Tuesday, May 15, 2007

   The Maze is so Cold
Current Mood: Depressed, Cold
Current Song: THE DEEPER VILENESS by Dir en grey
Currently Watching: Spongebob Squarepants

These past two days are some of the shittiest that I've had in a long time. I feel like just laying down and not waking up... everytime I do, I want to go back to sleep.

It started yesterday in Art. I was already pissed off about orchestra, but then the chick beside me in Art wanted to read my Marilyn Manson book. I didn't really mind since I was trying to take a nap, although I was already awake. I listened to some loud DIRU songs to try to wake myself up, and then I just sat around for a little while. The girl kept on reading my book, but I didn't let her know that I wanted to read it. I started getting pissed off, but she had no idea that I wanted to read it. I guess I was also pissed because I brought the book for ME to read, not her. During lunch everyone kept on pestering me, asking "what's wrong?" I told them that I'm tired of not being able to stand up to people and let then take advantage of. Everyone kept on saying shit like "I love you, Becky!", when they really were one of the many sources of the problem. I just wanted to be alone and away from my "friends", the ones who make me doubt myself so and feel like I don't matter. Nicole was complaining about how everyone makes fun of her head and I eventually told her to suck it up. I might have burned that bridge forever, but I don't give a shit. I'd actually be relieved, I'm being thinking of ways to break it off with her. Also, Stacie told this really cute boy named Spencer that I have a major crush on that I like Dir en grey (so does he, but I've been way too shy to even introduce myself to him) and she pointed to me whenever I had oreo hanging out f my mouth. I kinda waved them blushed and looked down. I'm such a loser. V_V In Science Matt didn't even talk to me because he was afraid of me and Korki treated me very gently because she could tell that I was close to the breaking point, if not already past it. In English, I spent most of the time trying to not to cry since I lost all of my notes on my Jupiter project that's due in two weeks AND my lyrics I'm using for an English project. Unfortunately, my English teacher saw me and asked me what was wrong. She let it go after a while. Like I usually do whenever I'm really depressed, I went straight home after school and walked by myself and started crying. Unfortunately, Mom picked me up.... and guess who else was in the car? Nicole. Mom dropped Nicole off and started badgering me with all these questions. I explained to her that I feel like everyone takes advantage of me whenever I try to be kind and it feels like it would be easier just to be an asshole. And I'm so tired of myself because I'm not able to take a step forward because I'm afraid and I HATE myself for it. It feels like I nailed myself to the floor and everyone wipes their feet off and spits on me. If only I could rip those nails out of me. Whenever I got home, I started taking new notes on Jupiter and got tears all over my science book while I explained to my dad what was going on. -_- I just wanted to be alone. While I was taking notes, I kept on glancing up at my Kyo pictures and felt ashamed of myself. I want to be so much like him, that I forget to be Becky. To be me. Everyone associates me with being the Japanophile in love with Kyo... is that really who I am? A person trying to hide herself in someone else's skin? Most of the time, Kyo gives me so much inspiration... so much strength. But my dependance on him is also my greatest weakness. I wanted to take them pictures down but didn't have the heart. The rest of the night was better, but I eventually scratched my chest all to hell and sobbed while I was in the shower, and cried a little whenever I went to bed.



Today was better than yesterday, thank God. I didn't go see my friends before school, I just went to the orchestra room. Storm and Stacie saw me on the way, though, and asked me if I felt better. -_- I nodded yes. Orchestra was okay. Our teacher was a little bitchy and threatened to make us play individualy, but I'm not going to do it. I don't really give a fuck about orchestra anyways. At the end of Orchestra, Storm asked me what was wrong and I explained it to her. She hugged me and told me she loved me and asked me if a naked picture of Kyo would make me feel better. I just laughed at her, because I didn't think she would do it and because I'm still deciding on wheather or not I should keep my distance from him. The weird thing is, is that Storm actually started to draw the picture. XD I stared at the clock until she poked me on the shoulder and handed me the picture. I screamed (obviously, c'mon, it's a drawing of the most gorgeous man in the world nude) and covered my eyes and started blushing. She showed it to me again and I started screaming "stop" and running away from her, but she chased me around while laughing. XD I can't think of Kyo naked without getting really embarassed... I have no idea why. -//- After having my little seizure, I actually started to look at the picture, and he was wearing a heart necklace that had a B on it and a tattoo on his leg that's a heart with Becky under it. XD Nice. In Art everyone was finishing up their pastel renditions of famous artworks (I did Van Gogh's "The Starry Night", one of my favorite artworks EVER), but I had already finished mine. I worked on my homework that's due on Thursday, which was to draw an object from 3 different views. I drew my cell phone because I didn't really have anything else of better dimension. @_@ Afterwards, I was going to draw Kyo's kanji on paper with a flame-type background in pastels, but there wasn't enough time. It was a really cool idea, though. -_- I ended up just reading my book. We didn't really do anything in lunch. During science, I was finally feeling a little better and actually was having a somewhat descent day... until I had to open my mouth and say something stupid. Matt recently got a new skateboard and since it's Element, I asked him how much it cost. When he told me $60, I said "DUDE!!! I could buy like 3 Dir en grey CDs with that!" -_- *headdesks* Then he said, "I actually do something active with my money." That hurt, considering a fact that I'm getting a slight crush on him too. Then Olivia had to open her mouth and said "yeah, and to lose weight." I felt like she had smacked me across the face and told me I was the most worthless thing on the face of the earth. I have the lowest self-esteem out of anyone I know. So, as you can imagine, that didn't help very much, especially considering that she's told me that I'm fat before. I started tearing up and thinking about how inferior I am, but I saved the tears until my teacher turned off the lights and we watched a movie. I buried my face in my arm and started sobbing. It hurts to much to feel this way, to hate the skin you're in, and want to smash the mirror whenever you look in it. And I'm trying to lose weight, and am slowly achieving that, but I want it to go faster. I've been this way my whole life, and it's hard to break old habits. My friends didn't even notice I was crying, and they sit right beside me, which also helped justify in my mind that they don't care about me. Eventually I asked my teacher if I could go to the bathroom and I felt so ashamed as he stared at me with tears streaming down my face and sniffling like a pathetic little animal. He let me go and there I tried to clean myself up, but I kept on crying. I went into the stall and scratched up my chest some more. This time I drew blood. I want to cut so bad, but this is the best I can do without making my mom truly suspicious or making the scars too bad. I eventually got to the point where I could stop crying and focus more on my burning skin. I wiped up my eyeliner and went back, and my friends didn't notice a thing. After science my teacher badgered me about what was wrong and I told him that I was having a bad week and that my aunt was having surgery on her breast cancer. He told me not to worry about it too much. In English I tried not to focus on the "fat" thing too much, althought it was eating away at the corner of my brain. After school, I immediately walked home and-

Ew. I just realized Squidward's nose kinda looks like a bottom-heavy penis. o_O

Anyway, I walked home and declined the offer to go to an ice cream shop with my mom. You can guess why.

I want to go exercise, but I feel so drained, it's a suprise that I could even type up this post. I'm sorry it's so long. Hopefully I'll have better news tommorow, and please pray for my aunt to have a speedy recovery from her surgery. Thanks for listening.
+Momo+
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Tuesday, May 8, 2007

   Momo's Mediocre Life....
Current Mood: Tired
Current Song: THE PLEDGE by Dir en grey
Currently Watching: Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Hello. Nothing last night was particalary special. All I did was sleep until dinner came and I ate some yummy sauteed brocolli with rice. :D *wiggles* After eating I started playing my bass and practiced for over half an hour before I took a shower and went to bed. X_X Exciiiiiiting.

Today wasn't as cold as yeterday, thank God, but it was still chilly. -_- In Orchestra we played for 115 minutes, and only had 5 minutes to pack up and talk to our friends. >_< God, I can't wait until I'm out of that class! In Art every one was finishing up their masks, but I had already done that so I didn't have anything to do. I read a little bit more of Jekyll & Hyde before I went to my locker to get some English homework and finished that. Once I was done, I took a nap for the rest of the period, and my God, it was wonderful. :3 During lunch Stacy made me put one of her shirts on and I was really uncomfortable in it since it was so revieling (it cut down so it was JUST aligned with my bra and it showed my back), but she wouldn't give me back my shirt until I whined enough. Everyone "awww"ed whenever I came out and said that I looked cute, though. @//@ She says she's gonna bring me a shirt tommorow. -_- In Science we discussed eclipses and the rotation of the earth. Matt was fucking with my pen and I yelled "STOP!" and my teacher stopped what he was doing and stared at me, and I felt like the entire class was too. I hid behind my hands and avoided eye contact since I was so embarassed.... I almost started crying. Eventually he stopped. -_- I'm such a fucking loser. I studied some Japanese, although I tried to pay attention after the pen incident. In English we reviewed a short story we read, studied semicolons and colons, and took a test on it. Bleh. I did get to read a little bit more of Jekyll & Hyde and write some lyrics, though. ^_^ Today I had to ride home on Nicole's lap in the car. XD She said that I had a bony ass, which is suprising, considering that I'm not the smallest chick in the world. o_O Whenever I got home, I ate some popcorn and listened to the unplugged versions of "Namamekashiki Ansoku, Tamerai ni Hohoemi" (long name @_@), "THE PLEDGE", and "Conceived Sorrow." "THE PLEDGE" and "Nama" (what I call it for short) made me cry while I was singing to it. I personally like the unplugged version of "Nama" better than the original because it and Kyo's voice contradict each other so much, that it just makes a beautiful pair. I also feel like that the piano is the beauty I see in him, and his screaming is the pain. The song, overall, is just a great metaphor. :3 I surfed around on the net until my mom came home and told me that I needed to get off the computer. -_- Nice seeing you too, Mom.



I guess I better go before my mom pisses me off more. Mata ne.
+Momo+

EDIT: I forgot to put something in my post earlier. In Orchestra, one of my friends asked me if I had one wish, what it would be? I thought really hard about it. At first I wanted it to be with Kyo... but then it seemed just childish and I actually thought about the consequences. Then I thought "world peace", but in the end, I know that will never exist and that's way too childish too. After I while I thought for Kyo to be happy would be a nice wish... but what if there are somethings that hurt him when he's happy (ie: possibly death if he becomes depressed.... just an extreme example @_@). Then I found what I really wanted-to sit down and have a talk with Kyo. Not Kyo to fan. Just person to person and actually get to know him. I can read all the facts in the world about his life and him, but I can never really know Kyo until I have a heart to heart conversation with him. And I think that's what I want the most. Call it what you want.

Now-I have a question for YOU. If you had only one wish, what would yours be?
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Monday, May 7, 2007

Eh.
Current Mood: Grumpy
Current Song: GRIEF by Dir en grey

Heeeeeeey, everyone. I didn't really do anything yesterday except go to see "Spiderman 3" (really great, especially if you're a Spiderman dork like I am :D), go to Wal*Mart (my brother and I had the BEST time in the toys section XD), and eat so much that I was miserable. @_@ I probably gained like 20 pounds. ToT

Today has been extremely weird.... I was angry since the minute I woke up. o_O Maybe it's because it was extremely cold whenever I woke up, maybe it's because my period may be coming up soon-I don't know. I was just super pissed at everyone and everything. In Orchestra we didn't really do anything except play, and some songs were so stupid and below our level that I'm truly convinced that she was just trying to waste our time. -_- Luckily, I was able to read a bit of "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" (I think of HYDE whenever I read that name XD). It's pretty good. :3 In Art I smoothed down some stuff on my noh mask (we're working with clay in art now, and that's what I'm making). Basically, that's all I had to do since I already finished sculpting it. o_o I sat around for a while trying to think of what to do, and I went through some things in my head, but thought of a chibi Kyo-head (I draw them all the time XD) jewelry box and gingerbread-looking Kyo figure. I tried making them, but eventually said "fuck it" and tried to go to sleep. Key word in there-TRIED. -_- During lunch, I admired Stacie's new purse-it's a POTC purse that kicks ass (I thought of you, NaeNae, whenever I saw it, since it said "I Love Pirates" on it). :3 In Science we watched a video on the solar system and I mainly ignored it. @_@ I studied Japanese and tried to go to sleep, but I was afraid my science teacher would hit me on the head like he did with Matt. -_- I was really freaked out, though, because it was so cold that I kept my jacket on in Science... I never do that. o_O Most of the time, I sweat in it every single day. I guess it was about 40 degrees (about 10 degress celcius, my foreign friends :3) outside. @_@ During the movie whenever we were bored, I drew an elephant on my hand (like Nightmare XDDD) and drew one on Matt's hand and our elephants fought. >D In English we reviewed over our comma quiz, took a comma test, and read a short story. Nothing too particularly exciting. After school Katie, Sydney, Bobbie, and Daniel were all standing around the tree talking. Since I didn't really have anything to contribute to the conversation, I put my hood on (it was cold) and stared at the ground. They kept teasing me and saying I was emo. T^T Whenever I got home, I ate a snack before doing my homework and researching on my science project for Jupiter. Eventually I got tired of doing that since I had most of the facts and went to my normal DIRU resources, and ran into this amazing artwork fansite called Diru.ru that's inspired by Dir en grey. The artwork, especially by Anya, is really beautiful. Check it out whenever you have the time, you can't not look at it.


This is Anya's rendition of "Itoshisa wa Fuhai ni Tsuki", one of my favorite pieces of her DIRU work. Yeah. Wow.

I've felt kinda odd since I found out my aunt has breast cancer. I feel terrible, but we're doing the same things we always did. I don't know what I was expecting... for us to sit in a dim-lit room in funeral attire? I don't know what to feel.

I'm really cold and tired, so I think I'm gonna take a nap. I love you guys. Ja mata.
+Momo+
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Saturday, May 5, 2007

Wow.
Current Mood: Numb
Current Song: None

I'm sorry that I haven't posted in over a week, it's just that since Mom is unemployeed, she's home all the time and I used to get on the computer when she wasn't home. I can't be on the computer for a long time because she hates me spending my time on here.

Anyhow, I got a major slap in the face today. After my bass lesson and eating lunch, my family came home and watched T.V. Eventually my Aunt Carol called. Everything seemed like normal until my mom gasped really loud and started crying. We paused the movie we were watching and sat in front of my mom for about 20 minutes wondering what was going on. My mind kept on racing through scenarios, thinking that someone had died. My eyes started to tear, my hands started to shake, and I bit my nails until there was nothing left because I knew it would be terrible news. Eventually, I was able to piece up what was going on.

My Aunt Carol has breast cancer.

My mom was sobbing through most of the conversation, and whenever she got off the phone, I hugged her and held her hand. I think it finally hit me and I wondered what it would be like if Logan (my brother) had cancer. It's weird because my aunt lives so far away (she's in Minnesota, we're in North Carolina), but she's still family. I feel so bad for her kids and husband. The good news is that the doctors caught it before it grew into a lump and got really bad. This means she has a far greater chance of beating it than most women do. So, I'm praying that she can.

I think what scared me so bad is my mom crying. I don't think I've ever seen her cry that hard, even whenever I was cutting. Also, Aunt Carol said she's okay if she dies, because she knows she's going to Heaven.

I feel so numb. I ocassionally cry, but not as much as I thought. I don't know. I don't really feel like talking about it anymore, but I felt like I needed to tell someone and give you guys an explanation to why I hadn't been on in so long. Bye.
+Momo+
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Thursday, April 26, 2007

   Whooooo!
Current Mood: Happy
Current Song: Ms. Vampire by 12012

Heeeey, everyone. :3 Time for my boring day post! Whenever I got to school, I told everyone that I can play "mOBSCENE" now. XD Yes, I'm very proud of myself. In Orchestra we played for a long time, about 80 minutes or so. I was a little irritated, but at least she didn't yell at us. In Art we worked more on our city, and I started making signs and coloring stuff on DIRU city. X3; There are about 10 buildings for stuff like food, hair, shoes, costumes, piercing/tattoos, makeup, instruments, music, and I even put a dark alley that's really full of soap lands and sex stuff... I named it "ZOMBOID Alley." X3 It so boring, but at least we can finish it tommorow. -_- And Mrs. Parnell liked my Momo picture so much that she told me to hang it up on the board. @_@; Lunch was nothing really special, except that the jelly in my sandwich and my pineapples were so sweet, I thought I was going to throw up. -__- In Science Korki bit me a few times (not enough to leave a mark, but it's still a little sore ;~;), our teacher gave us a lecture on how water moves on the earth and why, and my friends lightly scratched my arms because they were fascinated on how red my skin got.... obviously they forget how pale I am and how sensitive my skin is. @_@ I was so bored that I made some origami and practiced Japanese. In English we watched "Romeo and Juliet", the newest movie. It was made a few years back. But there was some guy named John Boy who skipped his class and sat in our class and the substitute didn't notice. XD Unfortunately, he was a friend of Caleb's. -_- Whenever he saw me, he said "how you doin', sweetie?" and made a kissy-face. My eyes got really wide, I blushed, and covered my face. I'm still not used to being hit on. I just don't understand why attractive guys (Caleb is pretty nice on the eyes, but is still an asshole) seek out the ugly, fat, reclusive, pale girl with short, spiky hair, baggy clothes, and tons of eyeliner. I'm the opposite of the ideal American girl. It just doesn't make sense to me. Anyway, the movie was interesting, to say the least, except for the fact that I couldn't really understand what they were saying without the subtitles. John Boy kept on putting stupid answers on his paper to questions. For example, one question was "what would you do if your parents didn't want you to marry someone they didn't like?" He put "I'd be like 'OK, that's cool.'" XD Fuckin' idiot. I asked him what he was on and he said "hopefully you, soon." @_@ I laughed because of utterly ridiculous and cheesy that was. I mean, I'm flattered but, uh, NO. Hell no. Whenever I got home, my mom was on the computer so I couldn't get on like I usually do. ;~; So, instead, I practiced my bass. :3 I practiced for about 1 1/2-2 hours. I don't know why I'm suddenly so enthusiastic about it, but I'm happy. ^_^ Around 5, I went to go play DDR. I wanted to burn 500 calories, but unfortunately, I only burned 408. T~T Damn. My legs still hurt. -_- After working out, I got on the computer and checked out my normal DIRU sites and was so happy to see that I could get on MyO! Hell yeah!!! :D I listened to Manson's new single, "If I was Your Vampire", and was really impressed. Manson has really matured since his last album and this song contains a lot of meaning in it. I think he was talking about Dita in it, but I can't be sure. Only he knows. The lyrics were really sorrowful and almost made me cry. It's really beautiful, and reveils the softer side of Manson that he rarely exposes. I can't wait for the new album. ^o^ *wiggles* After listening to that, I listened to a DIRU interview that took place about a year or two ago, but it was funny. Whenever the interview made Kyo smile, she said "Finally! I got a smile from you!!!" XD Obviously, she didn't know Kyo, or Dir en grey for that matter, very well. Eventually, I got tired of feeling sticky from all the sweat, and took a shower. Here I be. :P


Dear little Kyo really should smile more. He's always beautiful, but he blows my mind whenever he smiles. He reminds me of how gorgeous/cute he really is. *pokes Kyo* Smile more, damn you! SMILE!!!

Ouchies, I hurt. T~T It's for my own good, though. I guess I should start making some Kyo cranes. Raaaaaabuuuu~!!!
+Momo+
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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

   GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!
Current Mood: Angry
Current Song: Conceived Sorrow by Dir en grey
Currently Watching: Everbody Loves Raymond

I'm am so sorry that I haven't posted in nearly a week, but MyO has been a total asshole and hasn't let me get on. -__- Damn website!!!! *shakes fist angrily* You really haven't missed anything except for a dream I had, though, so don't worry. The dream was one I had last night, and it was super weird. I dreamt that Marilyn Manson and Twiggy (his ex-guitarist) came to my house on Christmas Eve, for no apparent reason. o_O I was in the middle of making paper cranes for Kyo, and for some reason, I told them that I needed to finish the cranes. They went to my mom's bedroom, and I went in the living room and finished my cranes. I came back in Mom's bedroom and saw that Manson and Twiggy were asleep on Mom's bed, at least I thought. But I heard giggling, and I realized that they were watching the TV... and it had HGTV on (for those of you who don't know, HGTV is a television channel where people learn how to do projects and plant plants and redo your house). XDDD When they realized that I was in, they acted like nothing happened and gave me autographs. XD I think what the dream means is that I know that Manson is a normal person like everyone else and isn't the monster that everyone makes him out to be (that probably stuck in my head because I'm re-reading his biography). Also, although I really love Manson's music, DIRU will always come first (hence the Kyo cranes). Manson's probably on my mind too because I'm pissed at him for ditching Dita, the idiot. >( The dream's still funny as hell, though. X3



In Orchestra today our teacher wasn't all that bad. So, I was thankful. And I listened to some DIRU at the end. >3 In Art we worked more on our one point perspective picture of a city. Since I was stressed out on trying to draw a shinkansen, I decided to draw "DIRU City." XDDD Yes, I realize how much of a dork I am. Shut up. @_@ I got tired of drawing, so I started studying Japanese. Yay. :D Lunch was pretty mediocre, except for whenever Nicole gave me a purple nurple and everyone kept on throwing stuff at my sore.... eh, boob. >_> Then Nicole gave me some more purple nurples. ;o; Owwwwwwwwieeeee! In Science we just watched a movie on lightning and I studied Japanese for a little while before trying to take nap. Unfortunately, Matt kept on coughing really loudly and wouldn't drink any of my water (he did yesterday, the stubborn bastard -_-). I also put on his shirt cause I was bored, and I got really freaked out.... it fit me. o_O I know it was a men's medium, but Matt is an anorexic-looking guy! And, well, I'm chunky. @_@ So I got a semi-confidence boost, which is very rare in my case. :3 In English Caleb kept on asking me if I would get high with him. -_- No matter how much I said no, he kept on begging me. I swear on *winces* Kyo that I won't do drugs. (I'M SORRY, SWEETIE!!!! ;O;) I don't wanna ruin my life and shatter my dreams that have a small chance of maybe coming true. Other than that, we studied more grammar and watched the rest of "Much Ado About Nothing." I was bored, so I studied more Japanese. >P After school we stood around the tree and Nicole gave me more purple nurples even though I still hurt!!! ;o; I got her back by giving her some and poking her with a stick. XD Daniel kept on trying to take the stick from me, though, and I was getting ready to kick him as hard as I could in the balls. I don't wanna look at him, I don't want to hear him, and I especially don't want him to touch me after he cheated on me. If he would've touched me, I'm sure I would've punched him. Whenever I got home, I studied some Japanese for about an hour. Around 4, I got on the computer and checked my normal DIRU sites before looking at some DIRU tabs. Alot of them were really hard, so I went to Ultimate-Guitar.Com to look for some Marilyn Manson tabs (please don't kill me ;~;). I downloaded about 3, and some of them were my favorite of his songs. :3 I downloaded "mOBSCENE", "Angel with the Scabbed Wings", "The Long Hard Road Out of Hell." YAY~!!!! ^o^ As soon as I got them, I ran to my room and tuned Vivian (my bass) and hooked her up to an amp before I practiced those songs for about an hour straight. I've got "mOBSCENE" down pat, and I'm so proud. V^_^V *wiggles* After practicing my bass, I played some DDR. I've been gaining and weight that I lost, so I'm really upset and want to lose it and maybe a little more. :3 I'm about 5-10 pounds from being the ideal weight for someone my size. *dances* I took a shower after DDRing (I hate how I get so sweaty >_<), and now I'm on the compy. I'm thinking of practicing my bass again. XD I'm getting addicted.


Toshiya, please give me strength to be as good as you!!! ;o;

I'm so glad I got to get back on, I had nothing to do. XD I wub you guys. <333 Ja ne~! (If I can get on later @_@).
+Momo+
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Friday, April 20, 2007

   Hai ni Naru
Current Mood: Depressed/Hungry
Current Song: zakuro by Dir en grey
Currently Watching: Scrubs

Last night was terrible. It was just one thing that pushed me off the edge, but it made me miserable. Everyone was happy and we were watching "30 Rock" and "Scrubs" together, but Mom had been a little on edge... who knows why. She was yelling at Logan (my brother) so that made Dad angry and she kept on overreacting over the tinest things. Dad later apologized for snapping at her and she said that it was okay, although she slammed something on the ground. Dad stood up and screamed "WHY DON'T I JUST KILL MYSELF NOW? I SEEM TO DO EVERYTHING WRONG!" That hurt me so much, I started crying on the spot. Luckily I was in my bedroom, and I covered my mouth before anyone could hear me. I cried for about 30 minutes until I stared at the wall and fell asleep.

Whenever I woke up this morning, I had a headache and my eyes hurt from crying so much last night. Whenever I got to school, my friends were freaked out that I was wearing my school shirt, but the principal asked us to wear our school colors to show our support for the victims of Virginia Tech. In Orchestra our teacher, once again wasn't very bitchy, so that was nice. After playing, I studied some Japanese and listened to "Merciless Cult" and "dead tree." In Art we did two worksheets on drawing in three dimensions they way we are now, but that was easy for me. Then, she wanted us to start on our homework, which is to draw our name like we are now, and I decided to write the kanji for "Momo." I didn't start for a while, though, I just kinda layed my head down and stared at the wall. I was really depressed, tired, and didn't feel like doing anything, but I told myself that sulking wouldn't fix anything and I'd have to start the project in my free time if I didn't start it then. During lunch, Matt asked to see my arm and freaked out over the bruise. XD He' such a spaz. But at the end of lunch, everyone was circling around the office and Nicole and Stacie were wondering what was going on. They asked a police officer (we have about 5 in the cafeteria during lunch o_o;) what was going on and they told them that there was a rumor going around that there was going to be a school shooting in 4th period. Whenever I heard that, I got my cell phone, went into the bathroom, and called my mom. There were about 12 other girls in the bathroom too asking their parents to pick them up. Mom told me that she would see what was going on, but I really wanted her to come. I was shaking and felt like I was going to throw up. There've been wanna-be shootings all over my state and 7 schools had to be locked down in a whole day in a city about an hour away. I was worried all week that someone might threaten a shooting, since I know about 50% of people at my school at least carry knives-what stops them from carrying guns? Besides, most kids buy their guns off the streets or find their parents' guns and take it to school. Since the bell had rang whenever I was talking to Mom, I hurried to science. Everyone was nervously making jokes about being shot and a gunman coming in and killing everyone. That didn't really help. Luckily, I was called down to the office, got my shit, and met with Mom. There were about 30 people in the hallway, trying to get their kids. Nicole and Kala were going home too. Whenever we walked out of the building, Mom told me something that was completely out of the blue-she got fired from her job. Immediately, I screamed "WHAT?!" and she explained to me that she got fired because apparently she filed something wrong. I was furious and almost in tears. My dad has been unemployed for about a year and lives like a zombie. Mom was the only person bringing income into our family. I would help, but I'm not old enough to work... they probably wouldn't take my money anyway. Whenever I got home, I went to my room and started working on the homework for Art, but I ended up just laying my head on my pillow and started crying. We needed that money. Mom's boss could've fired someone else. I was so frustrated and so angry and so scared about the shooting, that I didn't feel like doing anything anymore. I tried playing my bass and started crying again. But Mom came in and asked me if I was crying and I told her no... luckily my red eyeshadow covered up how my eyes get pink and puffy whenever I cry. I ended up watching "The Descent" since I had rented it last week and didn't watch it. It was okay, but not as great as everyone said it was-one of Dad's magazine said it was the best horror movie of the year. Eventually I came out and fell asleep on the couch and saw that Dad was home and I heard Mom crying.

So, that was my day. How fantastic, huh? I feel like shit and my eyes hurt. And I feel so alone. I don't have any of my friends here to talk to about it who'll take me seriously... I have you guys to talk to, but you're all so far away. I just want someone to honestly talk to heart to heart and hold. It hurts so much. I want to cut extremely badly... the worst part is that I know where a razor is; but I can't cut because it'll just cause more pain for my parents. That's the last thing they need right now.
+Momo+
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Thursday, April 19, 2007

   Yatta~~~! >D
Current Mood: Accomplished/Achey
Current Song: Survivalism by Nine Inch Nails

I made it all through the day without talking yesterday!!! :D Well, I mouthed "what" twice and accidentally whispered, but it was barely audible. @_@ The important thing is that I didn't give up. :3 I'm not a very talkative person, but it was hell not talking to my friends and I just wanted to throw the dry-erase board down because my mother constantly talks and it's so hard to keep up with her. @_@ I did make it, though, and I'm very proud of myself for standing up for what I believe in. ^-^ And I rewarded myself with a nice little dream about Kyo trying to get my to talk. *coughs* @//@ To put it shortly, I ended up screaming talking in the dream. XD


Kyo could make ANYONE moan. They don't have to be a fan, and they don't have to be a woman. He could make the straightest of straight men beg for more... I mean, look at that ass!!! XD

Whenever I woke up this morning, my dad said hey and I just waved tiredly at him. He looked at me and said "you know you can't talk today." I glared at him and said "I know!!!" and I he just said that he was glad my voice wasn't broken. -_- *facepalm* Whenever I was done doing my makeup and hair, I went to the living room and my dad told me that he saw some videos the Virginia Tech murderer sent CNN in between the shootings. Dad said he was a fucking idiot, and I agree. I haven't seen the videos or read any of the reports he sent, but I saw 2 pictures and Dad told me that in the video he was basically complaining about all the rich kids and said he was making a name for outcasts.

BULLSHIT.

If you're stupid enough to think that taking someone's life is the answer to anything, you're dead fucking wrong. To someone, that life is precious. I know whenever you're angry you don't want to hear any reason and whenever you're depressed, you don't care anymore. I know, I've been done that road. But bringing a gun to school and killing your fellow classmates... that's not acceptable. There's always a way out of feeling like your drowning, although it may not feel like it. I sympathize with the kid who shot up Virginia Tech. He was confused and angry, but that's no reason for doing what he did. I'm extremely saddened that he had to die. But I'm even more saddened that he killed 22 people. Okay, off of depressing stuff. Whenever I first got to school, I grabbed Matt and showed him that I was wearing a tight shirt (well, as tight as I'll go) and he went "WOW" and said I looked good. He looked me up and down, probably because he just realized that I have boobs. -_- In Orchestra our teacher wasn't as strict, but she called out Storm in front of everyone and that really pissed me off. I hate whenever she does that to people, but if you do that to my friend, we have a problem. After the teacher let us pack up, I listened to DIRU while studying Japanese. Eventually Storm came over to talk to me and quizzed me on Japanese. XD She said I had a Japanese accent. T^T *<- So happy she's crying XD* Then she started singing the chorus of "Conceived Sorrow", and I sang with her and was helping her with the pronunciation. She just looked at me and said "Damn! You even sing like them!!!" (meaning the Japanese) XD In Art we starting drawing again (YAY!!!! >W<), and were drawing conceptional art (I think that's what it's called, at least @_@). It's where you look at things in 3-D, you don't just draw them like a kindergarteners draw houses. This was easy for me, since I've drawn this way for a long time. We had to shade 3 boxes, and turn the rest of the boxes into objects. I ended up making the objects the following: Dir en grey's "5 Days Blitz" DVD set (>3), Kyo's foot box XD, a bed, a cabinet, a wardrobe, a TV, a block of cheese, and something else. I forget. XD Mrs. Parnell saw Kyo's foot box and she said "he needs a foot box?" (she's pretty familiar with Kyo considering how much I fangirl about him XD) I nodded my head viciously and said "yes!!! It helps him stay stable whenever he headbangs. One time he fell off and got a concusion. ;~; So the foot box is very important." She laughed and asked if that was what it looked like and I said yes, and it's red. She just laughed and walked away. XD During lunch, we were able to talk again and it was a whole lot better than it was yesterday. After I ate my pineapples, Korki and Stacie each gave me a quarter so I could get a cookie. ^-^ I gave Nicole part of the cookie since there wasn't enough money to get one, and then Korki gave her money for another cookie. XD The only bad part was, Nicole was too lazy to get up and she put the money in her pocket, and took the 15 cents I gave her to get a cookie (yes, I take all the money I can get). She finally gave it back whenever I stood above her and it looked like I was going to hump her head. XD In Science Korki kept on writing stuff like "Kyo sucks" on my paper (she does that all the time, she doesn't like Kyo very much and she loves screwing with me) and that reminded me of the fake Kyo porno video. XD I told her about it and she laughed but then said "wait.... you watch PORNO? o_O" I laughed and told her that Alayna sent it to me. I don't think she was very convinced. -3- Then, our teacher was doing an exercise with us where he used a red light and blue light, so we couldn't see much. She kept on screwing with me in the dark, and then she laughed and layed her head on my thigh. Then, all of the sudden, she bit me!!! o_o I screamed at her, but I wasn't all that suprised since Korki's infamous for biting people. Then, she bit me on the leg again!!! She went to go screw with Matt and bit my finger. -_- That didn't hurt all that much, so I didn't really care. She came back and bit me on the thigh and arm. X_X It really hurt whenever she bit my arm, and I kept on rubbing it and it was swelling. @_@ Whenever the teacher turned on the lights, I saw that it was purple. o_o I showed Korki and she laughed and said she was sorry and I showed Matt and he went "HOLY SHIT!!!" XD My leg bites were hurting and I asked the teacher if I could go to the bathroom, but he said no. I protested by saying "but I could have rabies! SEEE?" And showed him my arm. XD Then two other people wanted to see it and they were horrified. XD In English we discussed a little bit of "The Merchant of Venice" and then went over the fashion of thr Renaisannce. I personally like of the fashion of the Renaisannce, but I admit that I probably would never want to wear it. @_@ They showed a man with a ruffled collar, which symbolizes royalty and my teacher told us that one idiotic narrow minded asshole (I know him) said that he must've been gay and that it was a sin and a man who wears women's clothing is a sinner. I almost started screaming, but luckily my teacher is pro-homosexuals and told the boy that in the Old Testament of the Bible that it was also a sin to eat shellfish. Thank you, Mrs. Mullins. <3 Then the rest of the grammar groups did their presentations, except for one. While some people were presenting, Caleb mentioned George Bush and ridiculued me because I didn't like him. I was so pissed off that I didn't say anything to him except for "fuck off", "fuck you", and "shut up" the rest of the class. I would've moved, but there are no spare seats in the class. -_- After school, I showed everyone my arm hickie and they were freaked out. XD And I kept on rubbing my shirt since it's really soft and so did Nicole and Devon. They ended up rubbing my boobs too. -_- I'm not suprised, though, they always do that.

My arm still hurts, and it's 4:30... and Korki bit me around 12. @_@ Now there's a little pink ring where you can see her tiny teeth marks and a bruise coming on. -_- Kyo, make it feel better!!! ;o;
+Momo+
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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

   Being Quiet Sucks!!!
Current Mood: Impatient
Current Song: The Perfect Drug by Nine Inch Nails

Yesterday I listened to NIN's new album, "Year Zero." It was a concept album, or an album that told a story. This album's story (which shouldn't be very suprising to NIN fans, especially after "The Hand that Feeds") is about the current war going on. Trent hates Bush so much. @_@ The lyrics remind me of a soundtrack for "V for Vendetta" and "Children of Men." The music reminded me a whole lot of "With Teeth", more techno and calmer than NIN's older work. This isn't my favorite type of NIN's work, but it still kicks so many bands ass. :3 I simply LOVE The cover work. Whenever I saw the inside flaps, I almost squeeled because I love them so much. XD On the left side, it has a picture of Trent's right arm in a suit and holding a Bible, and on the other side, you can see his bare left arm and holding a machine gun (you can see scars on both of his wrist... that upsets me so much). Pefectly describes current America. After listening to "Year Zero", I made my t-shirt for the Day of Silence. I ended up putting a two symbols for women interconnected on one side, and two symbols for men interconnected on the other (both symbolizing homosexuality) and a heart in the middle of them. :3 On the hem, I wrote "Day of Silence 4/18/07" and "Why is it, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands"-Edward Gaines. I also painted my nails the color of the rainbow and made 3 buttons-one with the gay pride flag, one with the bisexual pride flag and "BI PRIDE" written on it, and a pink button that says "I love boys AND girls." My parents were a little grumpy whenever I reminded them that I wasn't going to talk the whole day, but they can suck it up. I'm standing up for who I am and what I believe in, and if they won't support that, then screw them. While I was taking a shower, I started wondering if I should tell my parents that I'm bi... because keeping it secret, is exactly what I'm fighting against. I decided to wait for a later time, because Dad had an important interview in the morning and it wouldn't be very fair to them if I couldn't actually vocalize my side of the story.


This is the present NIN... a.k.a. Why I like looking at Japanese bands better. XD (Trent, in the middle, is actually NIN. The rest of the men are just stage performers and help Trent during recording.)

This is one of my favorite songs (lyric-wise) off of "Year Zero", called "The Warning."

***

The Warning by Nine Inch Nails
Some say it was a warning
Some say it was a sign
I was standing right there
When it came down from the sky
The way it spoke to us
You felt it from inside
Said it was up to us
Up to us to decide

You've become a virus
That has eaten up its host
We've been watching you with all of our eyes
And what you seem to value most

So much potential
Or so we used to say
Your greed, self importance, and your arrogance
You piss it all away

We heard a cry
We've come to intervene
You will change your ways and you will make amends
Or we will wipe this place clean

Your time is tick-tick-ticking away

***

Today is the Day of Silence, and it's so hard to stay quiet. T~T Today is my first day on the Day of Silence, but it's harder said that done. Whenever I woke up, I kept on telling myself, "don't talk, don't talk, don't talk." I had to frantically scribble things on paper to talk to my dad while he looked unimpressed at me with an arched eyebrow. -_- Whenever I got to school, I put on my "bi" buttons and found out that Katie, Nicole, Devon, and Sydney were all participating too!!! :D Katie's shirt said "National Day of Silence April 18, 2007", but I liked Sydney's better... it just said "DOS: SHUT IT." XD Classic Sydney. Then he saw my bi pins and hugged me. XD In Orchestra Storm and I met up and exchanged silent greetings. @_@ Our teacher wasn't as hard on us as he was yesterday, but he held us for a long time. -_- In Art I pasted tissue paper to my lolita dress, to make it look prettier. Everyone kept on crowding around me, asking me why I couldn't talk, asking me if I was bi (I would just show them my buttons -__-), and asking me questions. It got annoying after a while, but I wouldn't change anything. Lunch was so weird. o_O I figured out that Stacie was participating on DOS too, so the only people talking in our circle were Korki and the guy that sits with her (I still don't know his name @_@), and Thu and Matt whenever they came over. Korki was determined to make me talk and kept on tickling me and made me squeal once. -_- I cussed her out on paper. XD Then she asked what a clitoris was so I had to explain it to her on paper and draw a diagram. XDDD I felt so dirty afterwards. In Science the class finished worksheets (I had already finished them, so I read some of "The Merchant of Venice") and reviewed them... I didn't get to see my grade (we didn't check our own)... I hope I did well. ;~; Korki kept on trying to make me talk by tickling me and telling me naughty things Kyo would do to me. @_@ I almost died, especially whenever she started talking about him stripping and bringing out the chocolate syrup and strawberries. *silently whimpers* -//- After that our teacher gave us a lecture on seasons and the position of the earth and all that while Matt and I wrote notes to each other, although he could talk. And, once again, he brought up the subject that he thinks I would look good in tight clothes. -_- So, tommorow, I'm going to wear a tight shirt just to prove him wrong. There's NOTHING about me that's pretty. In English Caleb barely talked to me, so that made me happy~!!! :D He, unfortunately, has the ability to read (he's smarter that I thought he was XD)... and found out that I'm bi and thinks that's hot. -__- Damn. As a class, we read Act IV of "The Merchant of Venice" and most of the girls who may be some of the best students on the English Honors class kept on showing me their stupidity. They kept on saying that Antonio is gay... what does it matter?! I almost jumped out of my chair and wrote that on the board. @_@ After reading that, some people presented their presentations on a part of grammar they were assigned to, and my group had verbs. I didn't have to present, though, since I couldn't talk and I did almost all of the research. -__- After class I finally asked Mrs. Mullins if I could move away from Caleb (it was so hard writing and keeping up with her questions ;~;) and she said "why, is he being an asshole?" XD I love Mrs. Mullins, she doesn't feel the need to censor ANYTHING around us. ^_^ But she told me yes, since we didn't have assigned seats, everyone just sits in the same spot everyday because they feel like it. o_O I decided to just walk home after school since almost everyone in our group except for Bobby wouldn't be able to talk. I read the rest of "The Merchant of Venice" for homework and then got on the computer. My dad and brother came home and it turned out my dad cancelled the interview because he got lost and wasn't able to get there on time. I feel horrible.... he really needed this job. Not just because his unemployment has stopped or the goverment took away the $1000 they were giving him, but because he's becoming increasingly depressed and keeps on saying stuff like "I've lost the will to live." It breaks my heart. I really hopes he finds something.

I wanna talk so bad. ;o; I've thought of giving up a few times, but then I bit my lip and remembered how supposedly passionate about this. If I really want change for the homosexual, bisexual, and transgender society, I'll stick this through. Wish me luck.
+Momo+
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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

   I'm a Sad, Sad Little Cafekko
Current Mood: Upset
Current Song: Escapism by AnCafe
Currently Watching: X-Play

Last night I heard that Bou from AnCafe is leaving. I was really upset, but I understand. He wants to pursue a solo career, and his heart hurt whenever he kept the secret from the rest of the band, so, I'm happy that he's happy. None of the members are bitter, and they wish him the best of luck. I thought everyone's comments were really sweet, and I thought it was adorable how Bou said Teruki was "love at first sight." I'm glad that AnCafe didn't break up, although it will never be the same without Bou. I hope the rest of the Cafekko will be as understanding and wish Bou the best of wishes. His last live will be on April 30th, and I hope it's a beautiful one.


Good luck, Bou-kun. We'll all miss you.

Today hasn't been the best of days. My dad was listening to the radio and it was talking about the Virginia Tech massacre. Whenever he found out it was an Asian who was the gunman, he apologized. o_O Why would I be upset? I know that people from every single race are capable of evil-everyone is. I was a little offended by that. Whenever I got to school, Katie started talking about the Virginia Tech thing too, although I hoped we wouldn't talk about it. She talked about how she saw that on Dr. Phil yesterday, he mentioned Columbine and said that these things are because of violent video games and music.

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

Our whole circle started screaming. I listen to Dir en grey, Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails, and tons of other bands that could be considered "violent", but I'm one of the most peace-loving people I know. War and death makes me cry, I'm a vegetarian, I hate killing bugs, and I've never touched a gun. I've held a knife and a sword before, but I only used the knife on myself and the sword was in Aikido when we were learning the discipline the sword teaches someone. It just pisses me off whenever people say that shit. Before Orchestra, the guy on the PA started talking about Virginia Tech and I almost started crying. Especially whenever no one would be quiet during the moment of silence. It's just so disrespectful. In Orchestra, our teacher was a real asshole. He kept on screaming at us to do better, said we sounded like crap, told the viola section to shut up, and insulted Storm in front of everyone. I'm so glad I'm not going to be in Orchestra next year-I'm tired of this crap. In Art we started painting our paper mache creations, and that meant painting my lolita dress. I decided to paint it with a sweet lolita pinkXwhite motif, but I couldn't get the pink light enough. >_< Now my lolita dress looks like crap!!! ;~; Hopefully tommorow I'll fix it up better. I eventually got tired of paiting and colored my dream house. I still have to finish the grass and sky, and then I'm gonna color the blueprints blue because I'm a dork like that. XD Whenever the bell rang for lunch, I went down and Nicole met up with me, and tried to take my lunch box away. I ran away from her, and she grabbed the strap of my purse and RIPPED IT. I was so pissed off, I just walked away and Stacie picked up my purse (one of the reasons I was so pissed off about it is because my mom made it and will think I'm not responsible enough to borrow anything when she sees this). They walked after me and Nicole kept on apologizing, although she was laughing and didn't sound very sincere. Since she started screaming at the top of her lungs, like she always annoyingly does, that didn't really help my mood. She screamed again and I just said "SHUT UP! Just stop it, okay?!" She walked off and I moved to a place where I would sit by myself. I was just tired of the shit she constantly puts me through and makes me feel like I'm meaningless. Whenever I was sitting alone, I kept on thinking of how my "friends" always tear up the things I have. Whether it be a purse, my confidence (when I even HAVE any), my body image, or never doing favors I ask of them. I'm just so tired of it. For a second I wondered if I really would be happier alone because I already feel that way. I'm glad that I won't have to talk to anyone tommorow. In Science Matt and Korki helped me feel better. Korki was so sweet, she kept on saying "Kyo still loves you." ^^; That was the first smile she got out of me. We had a substitute today and we watched a movie on magnetism. So, naturally, I studied Japanese and went to sleep. Whenever I woke up, my neck hurt like a son of a bitch and we had to do some work in the workbook, but luckily, I got it all finished. In English we had a substitute too, and she talked really funny, so that made me laugh a little. We had to read 2 scenes out of "The Merchant of Venice", and one of them was super long. @_@ We had to take a quiz on it afterwards, but I think I did well. After that we watched "Grammar Rock" from "School House Rock." -_- I wanted to kill myself. After school, I went to my locker and saw Nicole and Stacie there. I finally decided to Nicole, although whenever I apologized, she looked at me like I did something wrong. I sucked it up and said "Nicole, I'm sorry for being an assface." Then she said "you're always an assface." I wanted to walk away, but I knew I would only make them upset again. I know I can't please everyone. But I still want to. Whenever I was talking to my friends, I found out that there's another Cafekko at my school!!! :D So I'll have to find her and fangirl with her. XD And Stacie hit me, but the spikes on her bracelet hit me and made me bleed. -_- Whenever I walked home with Nicole and Bobby, Nicole told me that she was going to do the Day of Silence too. Yeah fucking right. I'm all for more people participating in fighting for gay rights, but her commmitment lacks so much. I'd rather her not participate in it than just pretending she is. She lies right to my face and tells me that she's a vegetarian, but she's eaten meat right in front of me. She's a liar! I doubt that she'll last half an hour. I really want to break this off with Nicole, but I've known her since kindergarten and it's hard. The last time I tried because she stole from me, we just ended up being friends again. I don't know.

Right now I'm listening to "Year Zero", Nine Inch Nails' new album. Yay! :D NIN is my favorite American band, so that makes me happy. *wiggles* I'll need to make my Day of Silence stuff soon. Mata ne, and sorry for the emo post.
+Momo+
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