Monday, September 12, 2005

THE FINALE...
This is a hard post to write because it brings so many emotions up and I cant help but reminisce about all that has happened over the past few years…but I will make this as quick and painless as I can for myself and for the few others that hold a place for me in their heart.

I’ve decided to leave the internet and as usual I will do my final post in the most natural and dramatic way I can. To those of you that believe that I jest, well I assure you that this is no joke- this is truly my final post

I’ve been online for many years now, I’d say since 1999 but more seriously from 2003 when I started using myotaku.com. During this time I have had much joy as well as much sorrow and unfortunately I feel that it is now time that I leave. Why I say unfortunate is a mystery to me because even though I feel saddened that I leave my friends behind, I feel it is more unfortunate for my friends because unbeknownst to me, they actually cared for me more than I thought they did and because of my leave they have now become sad.
but I wont delete my account, its not that I wish to immortalize myself in this site as some have thought but rather because myotaku.com has been a big part of my life and to me its not the kind of memory I wish to forget at the moment.

My motives for leaving are not simple and to try and make it so would be quite difficult so I shall try to do this for you.
This digital world has caused me much grief and truth be told I haven’t enjoyed it. I’ve felt the hard reality of people abandoning me when I gave up everything for them, I’ve felt my heart get ripped from my body and broken into a million pieces, I’ve felt the sorrow of lost love and the anguish of departed souls. I guess it’s somewhat ironic that in some ways I may be abandoning all of you, my friends, because it’s not in my nature to do that where others do. Please don’t feel like I’m abandoning you because I am selfish or that I’m too much of a coward to sort out my problems online. The online world has severely damaged my life offline and it is true that I wouldn’t have met the few good souls that I did online, but I lived here more than anywhere and it almost drove me off the edge many times…but this time is different.
I just can’t handle it anymore, this betrayal, this deception, this painful world constructed of devastating wires and technology that has caused me so much sadness. This virtual insanity has shown me exactly what I need to do and that is to free myself from the bonds of the internet and fully embrace my life as a free spirit. It seems cutting my ties with all those I know online is possibly the greatest downfall of this but for a person like me that cares about everything and everyone and never asks for help of any kind nor shows anger or aggression or a pathetic sense of craving of attention…it’s the best thing to do for a person like me because people don’t care- it’s the hard truth and I'm sure you all know it. Yes I know I’m different and its not my fault that I’m willing to sacrifice what I have for other people but for once I would like to have somebody at least sacrifice something for me…I don’t know if I would ever find a person like that online and I’m not sure offline either because I have yet to witness somebody willingly sacrifice for me. I also know that I can’t make people change and if they choose to be the way they are then it’s their choice and I can’t help it- I am here to help and I feel that my time here is up.

Have you ever had that feeling that something was missing from your life besides the question? To all it is different and so too is it to me. It’s a longing and in many ways we might even know it but are too afraid to say it or express it.
In the movie “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” the master swordsman Li Mu Bai said on his death bed that he had wasted his whole life because as he had all the courage to go and fight, he lacked the courage to accept his love for the woman so close to him and on
His last breath he said “I love you…I always have”
To me, my life has also been a waste and even though I’m still young, I feel that there is so much more I could have done with the time I had but instead used it all up living in a dream world. I have no cause, belief, love, or anything to hold me to this earth besides one certain aspect which I won’t reveal to you…but I realized on Saturday that there was something else, I just needed to open my eyes a little wider- I can still change now.
This isn’t an ideal world for most and the chances are that it never will be but it is up to us to make our own ideal world instead of living in the footsteps of those that came before us or influenced us or the ones that we possibly idolize…it is up to us to embrace our original selves and we all can do it- every single one of us…it just takes courage.

I don’t feel I have anymore advice to give to you because I feel certain that all of you can find you own way in life without having someone to guide you or hold your hand. You're all great people and the future has much in store for you- you will turn around and before you know it school and college will fly by and you’ll be ready to start your own life…
Many don’t fulfill their potential, just always try your best in everything you do and know that the shadow that comes from the cloud is always watching.

Nicole,
You mean a lot to me despite what I may have said to you lately. I can’t say that I forgive you for leading me on like that but considering that I should be used to it by now I will just let it pass. You're something close no matter what you may think because in some way you may be one of the people that I don’t understand as well as I thought…I suppose it might be because in some ways we are very much alike.
I won’t forget you and I know that you can take care of yourself no matter where you are. I hope we do meet someday and you may make that happen too.

To my dear Anna,
I regard you as being more of an older sister in my life online, I say this because whenever I needed help emotionally, I knew I could come to you and ask for your support and you gave it to me without even thinking twice about it. I feel you cared because it is something in your nature that sets you aside from others as a caring soul for all and that’s a very important quality. You mean a lot to me because of who you are and even though we didn’t really talk much, I feel that we connected in a way very much different to any other friend I could have.
I will truly miss you and I wish you all the best for wherever you are going and I know it will be to somewhere beautiful.

To my darling Kasi,
I love you and I always will, you may not think that I might be capable of something like that but ever since we started this relationship last year in November, I’ve been ready to give my life to you and in some ways I had wished you had taken it further. We’re not the same and that’s not a bad thing, being unique is important and I do accept you always. You have that magic that draws people towards you and I’m glad you have it because I know that when I leave this place, you shall never feel alone and will continue to have caring people to be there for you. You have my heart Kasi and I do hope that in the future you find a loving man that can hold you and take care of you in the way I wasn’t allowed, I also hope that you will both be equally willing to sacrifice for one another like you couldn’t show me…for after all, some things in life are so important that you would be willing to sacrifice anything for it.
You have my heart eternally.

To my sister Krystle,
Sometime ago you asked me whether I thought of you as a sister to me…well I see you as being the twin sister that I never had, because we are alike yet so very different and you were one of the first to actually show care and love towards me. Ever since we talked about the rain it’s been something wonderful. They say that you should keep your family close and treat them as though they are your most dependable aspects of your life…I keep you close in my heart Krys, not only are you my loving sister but also my very good caring friend that will always be there to shoulder a burden of mine. It took me a long time to see how much my family cared about me, it was almost as though I blinded myself from them and treated them as enemies, but you know what they say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” I don’t quite get that but it makes sense in my world and I regard you as one of the only people that I could ever trust and you have never let me down in the way of trust. I love you as any brother should and more and I want you to know that I will always be there with you inside.

To my sweet Katie,
Katie…sometimes it’s hard to find the right words to describe how you feel about a person without your heart jumping around. In my life Katie, you are my best friend…
You will always have a special place in my heart right near my core because I feel the love between us fits into its own category- its not the love that you have for your family or friend or lover…
Its something much more precious and special than any of those and it’s the kind of love that never grows apart and can never be broken. I truly love and care for you in that way. you’ve always put me on this pedestal in your life and admired me where others don’t and as odd as I find that to be, it makes me feel really great and I don’t think anybody else has done that for me in the way you have. I cannot really think of much more now than I have already told you on Saturday…but I want you to know that all that I said yesterday is what I truly feel and I will always be with you close and in your heart and I shall never ever forget you no matter what happens in life. I said that you are important to me, you are important and even if you feel nobody out there cares or discards you (even though that is probably impossible), please just know that I care very deeply for you and you know where to find me…

To all the others in my life online,
There are quite a few of you and it would be very hard to just go for specific people without generating any kind of problems but those that stand out most right now are people like Amanda, Kellie, Tills, and many of the others on my buddies list. I’m sorry to those do mention that I could not write more about you because of time constraints but to you Amanda I cant say much more to you since yesterday but I do wish that I could have gotten to know you better because you really are such an amazing person who is deserving of all that is good in life. Ah Kellie, you're so talented and I know you’ll go far in life- you already do believe in yourself and maybe if I live long enough, I would like to see your work one day. To everyone I haven’t mentioned- I believe that the future is mostly unpredictable and you forge it as you go along, this life is surely a strange one and whatever you do, remain true to yourself and believe- I know I do and especially in you.

I will be leaving but I will still check my e-mail from time to time, you can always send me something and I’ll try to reply when I do get online. However I will be spending limited periods this week online just to say goodbye to those I never did as well as check comments, PM’s, as well as emails.
But there are some people in this world who care enough to take the means of communication to the deeper and more personal level- because of this I will put my home address and phone number here so any of my friends who wish to contact me at any time may do so, of course I will also try my best to reply to the letter as well.

My address is:

J Kanar
101 Odell Road
Sunningdale
2192 Johannesburg
South Africa

My mobile number is +2772 4000 955

My home number which I don’t use much is +2711 882 8358

of course, my e-mail address is originalj@gmail.com

I guess this is farewell then…
I won’t forget any of you and I shall miss you all dearly…
But I will treat my life as a surprise and walk the path in front of me,
I will set sail for new plains,
But I will not forget those that played such big roles in my life from before…
I plan to roam the fields and the seas,
I shall go through my life always wanting to find the answer,
And I shall go through life always doing what I can for those I hold close…
The wandering wonderer will continue his journey as the stranger with no name to others,
But he shall always know who he is and where he came from.

Take care to all; I will always be there with you- my friends.

Joey Kanar

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