Thursday, January 6, 2005

This is great!

Well, all else today that sucked has been shoved aside like the shit that goes in the dog bag it is, and replaced by utter joy for the fact that I wrote 10 55-word stories for 55 Fiction. Charles and I have decided I will write 55 stories and post them all at once.

I love Sara for making this thread, because it has made my day. I'm really addicted to writing 55-word stories. I should just write them for a year and end up with a whole novella or novel.

Some people have gotten a peek at what is in store. Any stories in particular anyone liked? I liked the one I entitled "Time's Hands," which was about John, who is 88, and how he watches the clock and waits for time to get him.
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Wednesday, January 5, 2005

6x&*5678As578t

papermate pen lies
fingers numb eyes tired
pointlessness a sickened cell
bursted viruses
clattering rust as
door's shut darkness pervades
chains rattle - keys hide
head's empty narrows
death hopes, freedom mopes
letters wrote words
fingers type pain
mind empty, drain
gutter swelling water
feet stamp upon
as words laced
as a face spoke
none heard, all kept going
"stop not for me"
"go be free"
was what i said
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Educated

I've decided I'm just tired of learning useless garbage in about 75% of my classes. That only leads 25% of my classes which are worth it: Anatomy, AP Psych, and Ap English. Those are the only classes I usually really enjoy each day. . .all the rest are lame. And even those three classes have their lame days, too.

At this point I am just tired of learning. My mind feels like it can't even think anymore with all that's being shoved down it. I try to get myself psyched to learn something. . .but then I end up just winging it. And I usually end up doing well in all my classes, too. I've got all A's and B's, I believe. The only class in question is Anatomy, it is a hard class, and my grade had dropped to a C. But we had a test on muscles and I actually studied for it, getting a B on the test, so hopefully the grade has risen.


The semester is nearly over: about a week of it left. For some stupid reason, Anatomy is not on my schedule next semester, when it should be (the class is a full year one). But I can't squeeze it in, either. Next semester I have a full schedule and I plan on dropping my Sociology class for a weights class so I don't have to spend so much time working out after school, and also so I can learn even better what ways work with lifting weights.

My next semester schedule actually seems quite easier than the one I have this semester. The only classes that should be much of a trouble are Algebra II and Ap English at times. I am also taking AP Government, but I do not yet know how hard that class'll be. We'll see. All I hope is that it is a much better class than Econ. I cannot stand Econ this semester, it is perhaps the lamest class I have ever taken. We waste so much time in that class and it's all common sense and I don't even really try yet I have a B.

Right now in Anatomy we are dissecting cats. It is quite interesting and I have a homework assignment which is due tomorrow but I forgot to write it down. I plan on getting the assignment from my friend Sean and doing it during Channel One.

Yes, you heard me right: channel one. Anyone else have this at their high school? It is a news program, done by teens, and shown all over other classrooms across the US. I haven't watched it once this year because in AP English we turn off the sound. It is a waste of time but it gives a nice break to work on homework that wasn't done the night before, or to eat some breakfast.

At this point I just want High School to end. I will be so happy to go to Dickinson University and to see if higher-level education actually teaches you anything, and is better than high school: then I will have an educated opinion (ha ha) on what college is like and if it is worth all the money, etc. Being the pessimist I am, I doubt it's all too much better than High School. But it has to be at least better, but by how much I shall see.

From what I understand, you do learn some things for your specific career but you forget most of it. The only point of it is that employers will hire you if they see you went through it.

Well, I woke up late this morning and was late to class. . .I better sleep.

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Tuesday, January 4, 2005

The good news is that it's short...

One… two… eleven point-five years of school behind me, point-five years to go.

I started school today. Yesterday, I guess. My schedule isn’t so bad, but I don’t want to go anymore.

I’m smart, I know I’m smart. People tell me how smart I am all the time. But that’s when they’re not telling me what a “dumb shit” I am. That’s kind of funny when you think about it. It isn’t like they say I’m smart when I write in all of the notebooks lying around in my room or when I’m reading a book (for fun) in front of them. I’m only smart when my grades are bad, not that they’re even very bad this year. I should be keeping them higher for college than I am, but I can just go to a junior college if nobody will accept me right away.

Not that I really want to go to college. It’s just what people expect of me, because I’m smart. It’s better than working, I have to say. Today was my first day off in quite a while, but tomorrow I work after school lets out for a few hours. On the weekend I have two double shifts. Maybe I’ll make some good tips, and be able to save some money.
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Monday, January 3, 2005

Hmm. . .

Well, I checked the ND Job service quickly. It's 1:51 a.m. and I should be sleeping, but what the hell.

Check it out. $7? That's around $2 more an hour, and I can work weekends (I do it every weekend at the Steak Buffet). I should go there and apply, I'm sure I could get the job. I've only been dishwashing at the Steak Buffet for 3 months, I think I've got plenty of experience. Depends, though, if they use a machine or if it's just washing by hand. I'd prefer a machine, which is what I bet they've got. I'll be going there sometime soon, hopefully.
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I'm way too awake for this late at night.

I worked my ten hours today (well tomorrow now). I think I deserve a cookie.

I hate how teens' clocks are set to be night owls, yet I love it all at once.

Today I felt tired as hell, and I felt like I was going to fall asleep at work where I stood from the damn monotony of washing, but now I feel alert as hell, as if if there were a burgular to enter into our house I'd have my bat ready to beat the living hell out of them, without any panic whatsoever because I'm so alert and could hear them.

Ah well. Tomorrow back to the slop that is school. Next Saturday and Sunday I also work double shifts, 10 hours each day. Joyous. When you see a drooling man chittering like a monkey with wild eyes and cuts all over his hands, miscellaneous food particles all over his shirt, wearing a shirt that says Steak Buffet on it, that's me.
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Saturday, January 1, 2005

--

I hanged out with Sarah Miller a while after I got off work at 10. Nothing much happened.

First we were just watching this movie at her friend Breanna's (I spelled that wrong, it's sure) house. Then she left and asked me to come along with her to Chino's. The guy was having a party.

So I went to my first "party." Party in the sense that people drink and so on.

The place was draped in smoke. I hate the smell, but there was nothing I could do.

In one room some people were messing around and naked. Chino was in there. In another room people were just talking.

This girl came out and handed everyone a beer, including me. I handed it back to her saying "no." Sarah and her friend Blazer took a drink.

I stayed there an hour. I was told to be home at 1 AM and that is what I did.

The party was pretty boring. I didn't expect it to be anything else.

I have a moral sense about drinking, I guess. I just never want to do it. I figure it is pointless. All drinking can be is detrimental to your life. It certainly won't help anything. I'm sure in the short-run it might be a means to escape and feel better, but in the long-run it is a waste of time.

When I was there, too, everyone seemed to be smoking. Smoking is another thing I cannot stand. I abhor the smell of smoke. I smell it on my clothes right now and it makes me want to rip them off. It makes me want to take a shower.

I would go to a party again just to observe. To see what happens. Many teens and many people in college have these "parties," where they drink and get slammed like no tomorrow. It is just interesting seeing how my generation, and how people my age in general are.

In the end, I figure people can do whatever they want. If they want to drink, I guess let them. It is no chip off my shoulder. I still find using drugs to escape from reality or to "have a good time" pointless.

When I was younger I was fed all that crap about drugs being bad. Some of it has stayed with me, but I'm open minded enough to respect anyone's decision to use drugs (in moderation). It is when drugs are abused that it becomes a problem. And in most cases, with continual use of a drug that is just what will happen. Your body develops a tendency toward the drug and therefore you need more and more to satiate yourself to get that high.

You don't need drugs to have a good time, to be happy. All it takes is yourself and what you are. I would much rather take what this world is through my own senses, sober, without any drugs.

So as the drinks fly around this hour, at 1:21 AM, I sit here in my room. I feel good because I am seeing this world without anything hindering this view.

I plan to never drink. Or smoke. I'm old enough to smoke but that'll never happen. When I turn 21 I won't be drinking anything either. It's pointless. It helps nothing. If anything, it makes it worse.
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Friday, December 31, 2004

And it's all gone by. . .and here comes time to take it all! Time wins! He's the champion! The ruler! The rex! The king! It's his monarchy, and our deathbed held. . .

The years pass so fast yet so painfully slow. Our time upon this place is slowly being sapped away by the roots of time. We're fruits ripening on the tree ready to be picked. A year's passing is rather uneventuful to me. Things are still the same. It still keeps shuttling on, to whatever and wherever it goes. This life is painful suffering, but there is something beautifuly numbing lying in the pain. Pain is so palpable, it is in almost everything. Can you hear it all moan? This year will pass over, and another one lean in, and years and years hence shall pass and pass long after we're all laid to rest or burned to the ashes of nothing. Eventually there will be no more years. Just time, the winner of it all.
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. . .I am getting no idea for a post, so here goes

*ahem* So, those new year resolutions that'll be coming up soon enough, since this will probably be my last post of 2004. As we lean over to the year of 2005, already there are those out there formulating their little list of things they want to accomplish. They think they are going to lose such-and-such a weight, they are going to travel to such-and-such a place, they are going to change this-or-that about the world. It goes on and on. It does not stop.

Approximately 75% of these "resolutions" will dwindle down to never being accomplished. And the year of 2005 will slew past, with people doing what they usually do in America: being workaholics, eating a lot of food, loving their families. These aren't necessarily bad things. But I think working is.

There should be a Workaholics Anonymous formed. There should also be a New Year's ban against resolutions, because they are mostly pointless. They are good-intentioned, and all, but they are usually never fully realized and conceived. Instead they are born aborted fetuses of themselves, weird looking creatures created by us, with no functionality whatsoever. I don't know, maybe scientists'll figure a way to use the aborted fetuses of our "resolutions" and use their stem cells to patch us up and complete our desired resolutions.

Or not, because the reality sets in, and it is that if you want something you have to usually work hard to get it. Things don't just happen, you've got to take it in your hands and shape it up.

Take me for example. I've never been a physically-oriented person whatsoever. I was always in the back when we ran the mile. I could never do a pull-up. I was out of shape. I used to be overweight, my parents used to call me "jumbo" so I became near-anorexic. I ate about one meal a day, a measly meal consisting of nothing. I biked and walked. I weighed about 140 pounds.

Now I'm back up to about 155, and I work out each day after school. I either bike 10 miles or run 2 miles (I can now run a mile in about 7 minutes, probably even faster), and then do 125 sit-ups, and then bench press. I started off with just the bar, mainly, on benching. Now I'm lifting 85 and I can do about 10 reps. When I come off break I plan to add 5 more pounds to each side, making it 95. And I have a goal: I want to be able to rep 130 or so pounds 10 times.

While on break, I've mainly been playing DDR. I went up to Dickinson last Friday and that's all I did. I think the first day I burned about 1,500 calories or so, and the next 2,500, and 1,000 or so the next. I was up there five days and I played it most of the time with my second cousins (we aren't blood related at all) and my cousin Ally's friend Josh, who's a cool guy.

The point is, saying you are going to do something, and actually doing it and following completely through with it are different things. Resolutions are pointless. What has a point is setting a goal and actively doing it, and sticking with it no matter what.

When I work out after school I am not always in the mood to work out, but I do it. When I go to the Steak Buffet I hate it, but I have to work there or get a better job because I've got car payments to pay and insurance to pay because I have set a goal to own the car eventually.

Do instead of say.
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Thursday, December 30, 2004

$40? Ridiculous.

I'm in Dickinson, driving my 2001 Honda Civic to the little mall they've there to pick up Amber. Nine Inch Nail's "Last" blares from my speakers as I put on my right blinker, and come to the 4-way stop. I check all the directions, and there is not a single soul commandeering a car through. I haven't come to a complete stop, but I turn.

I'm driving, then I look in my rearview mirror and see the flashing sirens owned by the cop car. I don't pull over for a while. First I turn down my music, and in my head I curse myself, and this cop.

I pull over to the side of the street - I put on my blinker, I don't want to get another offense for not putting on my blinker as I pulled to the side.

I open my window. The cop walks over, tells me I did not stop at the stop sign. I would like to tell him more specifically, I did start to stop at said stop sign, it just wasn't a complete stop. But I say nothing.

He asks for my license and registration, which I already had prepared before he came to my car. I hand them to him, saying, "Here you are, sir."

He walks off and goes in his car. I see him from my rearview window. He's a shadow, bent over, writing with a pen.

It takes the cop forever. It was at least 15 minutes that I sat there, waiting. The whole time I was thinking how unfair the entire thing was.

I'd say far more than half of drivers do not always come to a complete stop at stop signs. If there is not a car to stop for, then you do a "California stop" - you come to an incomplete stop, and are on your way.

I'm wondering why this cop's picking on me. Isn't there big fish to fry? Something more important than some inane, minor offense like the one I did?

After sitting there and waiting too long for the cop just to fill out the form, he finally comes over, hands me it, and tells me to stop at all stop signs. I give him a "Yessir," and then he tells me to have a nice day. I give another "Yessir," and it's finally over.

I close my window, turn on the light in my car and dredge through the form, looking for how much I owe. I find it. It says I owe $40. 40 bucks for doing something every one else does, for something I've done countless times in Bismarck and never been pulled over for.

I think everyone should have to pay this forty bucks. It's totally unfair that I have to pay it, but of course, life isn't fair. It's far from it.

This cop could've at least gone off after a rich man. Because I'm certainly not one. I've got about $900 in the bank, and it's all going towards my car payments each month, my full coverage insurance, and college.

I don't even think cops themselves come to a complete stop at stop signs all the time. I doubt it. I guess there's another hypocrisy to add to the teeming pile of hypocrisies.

I was bitter about having to pay this, and I still am. Whenever I see anyone driving and they don't come to a complete stop at a stop sign, I want a cop to just be there, all furtive and hiding, ready to pull their ass over. It's what they deserve since I had to go through with it. I think not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign is a sect of law enforcement that needs to be busted on religiously, just because I was pulled over.

I mean, I didn't even do anything wrong. I didn't get in a wreck. I didn't endanger somebody's life. I wasn't speeding. I just didn't come to a complete stop at a stop sign, and as if anyone does anyway.

I was hoping the cop would've given me a warning. I was thinking he would. But I guess it was not so.
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