Friday, October 3, 2003
No one can disappoint me quite like she can.
"never forgot the time you made me feel alive
when death was on my mind
or when you held onto me
when the world let me fall behind
you were love to me rather than just a word
a friend was all you were & it changed my heart
stood next to me through the storm
felt the wounds & kept me warm
something i had never seen before & i thank you"
This is what my big sister Laura's best friend wrote to her. Isn't it nice? Yeah. But wouldn't it be nice if I could write her something like that? Telling her how much I appreciate her helping me through all the hard times in my life. I admit it would be nice, but in the end my thank you note would say.....
Laura, thank you for your words of encouragement and advice. For instance, when you told me you wished I would just slit my wrists and die already which would make everyone that I was apparently making miserable, very happy. And for all the years you beat the shit out of me, called me ugly and fat, and ignored me....well I just wouldn't be the same without those fond memories to look back on. Thanks for talking about me behind my back, calling me a freak, a spaz, and a psycho, to name a few. For ganging up on me with our drunk grandmother who hates me, causing me to have several nervous break downs which consisted of me crying so hard I began to hyperventilate and my arms would go numb. Oh how I long for those good old days. How could I forget that time when Nana said I was causing her so much stress that she had to take a 3rd dose of Nitro which, so she says, means that she had a heart attack, and you stood by Mom and nodded as she proceeded to tell me that if Nana died.......she would never forgive me. I just wouldn't be the same without any of you guys. But especially you Laura, because if you hadn't ignored me when I finally built up the courage to ask for help as I was slowly but surely losing the last part of my soul, I might have continued to hope and have faith that someday my life would get better. And we all know how stupid that would have made me. Thank God for small miracles huh? But most of all, thank you for ridding me of all my useless human emotions that only got me into trouble. Because of you, I feel nothing, care for nothing, and know that I am nothing.