Tuesday, February 17, 2004
My life would be a lot less complicated if I were gay!!
Bianca called me last night and I hadn't talked to her since.... probably Halloween. We saw The Butterfly Effect which I actually thought was pretty good. I've seen worse. We got to my house at around midnight after the movie and she stayed over. It was not fun trying to find a place to sleep. I never go in my room and always end up sleeping on the couch in Laura's but since the couch isn't really that big we had to sleep in my room. I share a room with Lorna, who was sleeping downstairs, so there were two beds.... but they were buried. Underneath piles and piles of clothes which I don't think are mine. I threw them on the floor and we were ready to sleep!! This morning we walked to the beach in the freezing cold for no reason.
Now to explain my post's lovely title. I am perplexed. I'm not entirely sure that Bianca is gay.... no one is really, but I'm pretty sure that she is. Not that I care if she is. It's just that I really get the feeling that she likes me as more than a friend. I think she's awesome but I don't like her in that way. Honestly I don't like anyone at all in that way. So it's not as though I'd be saying "Bianca, I don't like you because I'm not gay"..... but more along the lines of "Bianca, I don't like you because I'm incapable of feeling that way about anyone. Regardless of their gender." Why does everything have to be so complicated? I really don't have a sexuality at all. I don't find myself attracted to anyone and the point of the whole boyfriend/girlfriend concept escapes me. Even if it didn't...... I cringe whenever people, mainly guys, touch me. My skin crawls just thinking about it. It's probably a side-effect of constantly being groped by boys at school since I was 8. It was getting to the point in highschool that I had to be pretty violent in order to get my "no touching" policy across. I think that experience was a lot more damaging than it should have been. Now whenever someone touches me I instinctively hit them. My friend Ari gave me a hug, pinning my arms at my sides and it took a lot for me not to scream or kick him. Being touched makes me physically sick. When I was crying at my Papa's funeral my Uncle Jimmy went to give me a hug and, without thinking, I shoved him away from me and yelled "don't touch me!" It's just another anxiety I have to overcome I suppose. Much like my inability to go into stores by myself. I'll get over it.
OOooolala!! You MUST look at Julia Stiles on the front cover of Cosmo! That is how I'm going to cut my hair!!!! Soon.... oh so very soon. 502 visits... not too shabby.font>