Tuesday, January 6, 2004

   I'm a liar, liar...... pantalonez on fire...
Me no speakay espanol. I am such an asshole!!! I can't beleive it's taken me sooooo long to get my ass back on this damn computer. BECK!!!!!! your BM is back forever I promise. No more extended vacations. As for the reason...... reasons.... I've been absent... well, my aunt kidnapped me for a week at the end of November and when I came home no one would let me on the comp.... for 2 weeks!! Then my Papa died on Dec 14 and I've just been moping around ever since. I did go to a Dave Matthew's concert though.... but only because Katie's boyfriend (now ex... HA!!) cancelled at the last minute. I really miss my Papa........ I'm so friggin depressed!! AHHHH!! And I hate everyone in my family! That's a lot of people considering I don't even know 1/4 by name..... or face. At the funeral/wake I was just like "Who are all these people??" It's not fun when you're trying to grieve in your own way (I don't show my emotions very well) and everyone is making you feel as if you don't have the right to feel sad. All I heard was everyone telling Laura as she was crying "We know how much he meant to you".... AHHHHHHH!!!. I held up pretty well during everything until everyone's cars were called and I went through the line to the casket the last time. Laura was sitting with my Nana..... comforting her.... and I just kinda went in to hug my Nana or even just pat her on the back...... but she pushed me away. Before when I had asked her how she was doing she completely ignored me but this time she physically pushed me away from her. Everyone was staring at me.... I felt so stupid and just started to cry. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe and had to gasp for air and then I just ran out of the funeral home. No one thinks my Nana's gonna live very long and I've said that I don't think I even care. She HATES me. Part of the reason is because Papa was my godfather and she said he favored me. No one beleives me when I say she hates me. I hate my entire family. All they ever say is "You're so quiet"..... ya think? People tell you to shut up enough you start to listen. They were never nice to me and they think I don't remember all of the mean things they said. I hate the fact that I let them ruin my life!! I used to be happy. I used to talk! Forgiving and forgetting is what I want and need to do the most but I'll only ever be able to forget...... if I move as far as possible away from here and forget I was ever part of this family. I want to start over because I really can't work with what's left. I'm only living to make everyone else happy and I'm trying sooo hard to find a reason for myself. I want to live for something..... besides my cat. I know that some time in a hospital would do me a lot of good...... but it would hurt my mom. I HATE THIS!!! I'm trying to get better for them but I can't without inconveniencing them!! Oh well..... my birthday's in less than 2 months which makes everything worse. Birthday = deep depression. Every year I get extremely depressed/overly sensitive around my birthday. Something I've come to refer to as the "birthday blues." And lucky for me..... and everyone around me, the birthday blues have come 2 months in advance!!! Yippee!!! Break out the party hats, magic relighting birthday candles (I keep them in my purse), and prepare to get whiplash from the verbal assault. I HATE MY BIRTHDAY!! I guess I hate everything/everyone right now. But wait a minute and my mood will change...... it always does. Or wait.... oh crap that policy excludes all months pertaining to the birthday blues. I guess your shit outa luck. My foul temper is gonna be here probably until the beginning of April. I'm gonna try really hard to be happy for you guys though!! Cuz I love you!!! I do beleive I've made your eyes bleed enough.... for now. I shall be back on tomorrow!!! I promise!! ........Oh yeah... MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

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