Monday, October 27, 2003
I'm supposed to go to a Mexico meeting tonight but I don't think I will. I'll admit I'm a little wary about having an attack in front of all those idiots but that's not really the reason I don't want to go. I'm in a strange mood today....... a very low mood. I just watched a Fruits Basket amv about Hatori and Kanna that was really depressing. It was made with Danny Elfman's The Grand Finale which just made it all the more sad. I cried for the first time in 8 months and I was sobbing so much that my lungs hurt. I don't know why really...... it's that damn music!!! I'm listening to it right now so I'm pretty much on the verge of tears. It's hard to remember the last time I was like this out of no where, and I hate this feeling. For 3 years I was practically trapped in a colma surrounded by misery.... feeling like this makes me think I'm coming close to a relapse. But I'd rather die than have that happen. There's nothing worse than living but feeling like you're dead. I don't remember most of those three years, only a few unfocused memories. All of them bad. It's like when you get into your car and get to where you wanted to go, but don't really remember driving. Only, for me, I woke up one day and realized that 3 years had just gone by. Maybe I'm subconsciously blocking it out but if I am, there must be a good reason. I'm beginning to think that I'm not as strong as I once thought I was and that I've chosen not to remember because I couldn't handle all those memories. The ones I have, I wish I could forget. I'm never really happy, but I haven't been this sad in a long time and I doubt being around a lot of people I can't stand would help the situation any. I just want to go to sleep and forget about that stupid amv......