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Friday, July 17, 2009

Post #001
I like being on my own without family members, friends or other people to interrupt my time for reflection. Sometimes it seems that I like it TOO much. A lot of the time, people mention to me that I seem distant. Half the time I don't even realize it. It's like I'm in my own little world, not realizing people are trying to connect with me.

Like I said I like to be alone - A LOT. I mean, if you gave me the choice to be surrounded by people for a week or to be alone for a few days, I would truthfully choose the latter. I don't know if it's because I'm just not good at social stuff or something like that.

I just think sometimes that my friends don't understand me completely. I mean I love my friends, all of them, completely and totally. But in my understanding, being a friend doesn't necessarily mean you understand that person, which is okay, because even the best of friends don't know everything about each other. But still, sometimes it frustrates me.

But what really makes me angry is myself. I could slap myself when I say something like "Hey don't cry, we'll see each other at my party". One of my friends was crying because they knew that it was our last day of school together. It seemed like I totally blew them off. But what I was trying to say was:

"Please don't cry. We'll still be able to see each other again. Besides, don't you want our last day to be the best?"

Another time a friend of mine was against something I wanted them to do, and I kept saying "It doesn't matter just do it!" And again, I totally screwed up with that.

And one of the worst times in my life that I screwed up saying something like that? It was the time that I was making a tough decision about something, and I blurted out "It relieves me to..." I was such an idiot! I couldn't believe that I said that after thinking about it. I was injuring another person, and yet I said that I was relieved to be hurting them?! What was I thinking! (Sorry, a little bit of an anger vent).

But I know that if I say I'm sorry, they'll all just blow me off and say that I was being too sensitive. But sometimes I think that they don't really mean what they say. I think it actually hurts them, but they just don't say anything about it.

So, if any of my friends are reading this right now, this is my explanation for saying sorry. You guys are just such good liars, that I would never be able to discern whether or not I hurt you guys! So don't think/say "Oh, geez, she's just being over sensitive again" or "There she goes again, getting all worked up" or some form of that. Really, it just happened to be on the brain *points to foot*. Oops, wrong place!

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