Thursday, November 3, 2011

I haven't been feeling well the last few days. Very fluish. So I went to the doctor. I stepped on a scale for the first time in months. I knew I had gained weight. Just not this much. Last time I touched a scale I weighed only 164 Lbs. That was 8 months ago. I saw the scale today. I'm at 209 Lbs. I'm 18. A senior in high school. I'm 209 Lbs. I have always been self conscious of my weight. I've always thought I was fat even when I was only 120 Lbs. I've always hated and feared the idea of fat people or being fat. I used to avoid it at all costs. What happened to me? When did I start eating my emotions? How do I stop?
Tonight, I purposely vomited. I felt terrible and powerful at the same time. I had control over something. Over myself. I will lose this weight. I need to lose it before I lose me. Today is a turnaround. I will lose it. My life is now in numbers.

11.3.11
Emily J.
209 Lbs
5' 3.5"

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Friday, April 22, 2011

Eddie
is completely out of jail. :] I love him so much. He really has no idea. He can make everything in my world okay after everything that has happened. It all just slows down with him. :]

I Caught Fire- The Used

Seemed to stop my breath
My head on your chest
Waiting to cave in
From the bottom of my...
Hear your voice again
Could we dim the sun
And wonder where we've been
Maybe you and me
So kiss me like you did
My heart stopped beating
Such a softer sin...

(I'm melting, Im melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while

And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
Now

Never caught my breath
Every second I'm without you I'm a mess
Ever know each other
Trust these words are stones
Why cuts aren't healing
(why cuts aren't healing)
Learning how to love

I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
(Stay with me lay with me now)

You could stay and watch me fall
And of course I'll ask for help
Just stay with me now
We could take our heads off
stay in bed and just make love that's all
(stay in bed, just make love that's all)
Just stay with me now

I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting

In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me lay with me
(Stay with me, lay with me)

In your eyes
Let's sleep till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes (I'm melting in your eyes)
In your eyes
Let's sleep till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes




Kissing You Goodbye-The Used

Cut yourself in conversation.
Cut a line to make me feel alive.
'Cause you know I'm not alive.
And leave me with your complications.
Take your life, you feel like taking mine.
And meeting God, we stand in line.

Not alone...

Nowhere to go.
not leaving.
not going.
I'm not kissing you goodbye.
On my own.
I'm nothing, just bleeding.
I'm not kissing you goodbye.

Trust to take the right to leave me.
Waiting under dark clouds for the rain.
Praying lightning strikes a change.
As history gets lost,
And as I took that final breath I felt alive.
Meeting God to stand in line.

All alone...

Nowhere to go.
not leaving.
not going.
I'm not kissing you goodbye.
On my own.
I'm nothing, just bleeding.
I'm not kissing you goodbye.

Don't let me go.
Don't say goodbye.
'Cause you know that I'm not alive.
Don't let me go.
Don't say goodbye.
Don't let this love die.

Nowhere to go.
not leaving.
not going.
I'm not kissing you goodbye.
On my own.
I'm nothing, just bleeding.
I'm not kissing you goodbye.

Don't let me go.
Don't say goodbye.
'Cause you know that I'm not alive.
Don't let me go.
Don't say goodbye.
Don't let this love die.

I'm not kissing you goodbye.
I'm not kissing you goodbye.
I'm not kissing you goodbye.


The Taste of Ink- The Used

Is it worth the can you even hear me
Standing with your spotlight on me
Not enough to feed the hungry
I'm tired and I felt it for awhile now
In this sea of lonely
The taste of ink is getting old
It's four o' clock in the fucking morning
Each day gets more and more like the last day
Still I can see it coming
While I'm standing in the river drowning
This could be my chance to break out
This could be my chance to say goodbye
At last it's finally over
Couldn't take this town much longer
Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be
Now I'm ready to be free

So here I am it's in my hands
And I'll savor every moment of this
So here I am alive at last
And I'll savor every moment of this

Won't you think I'm pretty
When I'm standing top the bright lit city
And I'll take your hand and pick you up
And keep you there so you can see it
As long as you're alive and care
I promise I will take you there
We'll drink and dance the night away
We'll drink and dance the night away

So here I am it's in my hands
And I'll savor every moment of this
So here I am alive at last
And I'll savor every moment of this
Savor every moment of this

(As long as you're alive here I am..)

As long as you're alive
Here I am
I promise I will take you there

As long as you're alive
Here I am
I promise I will take you there

Won't you think I'm pretty
When I'm standing top the bright lit city
And I'll take your hand and pick you up
And keep you there so you can see it
So long as you're alive and care
I promise I will take you there
So long as you're alive and care
I promise I will take you there

So here I am it's in my hands
And I'll savor every moment of this
So here I am alive at last
And I'll savor every moment of this
Savor every moment of this
Savor every moment of this

(speaking in background..)
(Music rest of song.)




those are our songs:] technically just songs that remind me of him.
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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Eddie
You're missing. No one has heard from you. You were supposed to get out yesterday, but we don't know where you are. I miss you, Eddie. I'm scared and worried and I don't know what's happening. I just wish I were in my bed right now, laying next to you. I want you here with me. Just to know you're here and I'm not crazy. You aren't a figment of my imagination. You're real. You're real and that means you may not be safe.
My gut feels like theres rocks inside it. My throat feels like sandpaper. My mouth like cotton. My head is having branches from poison trees shoved through my skull. My eyes are like a baby's eyes. Burning from salty tears and the light of day. My brain no longer controls my logic or my body. I am on autopiolet.
I don't know why I'm telling you this. Maybe because I trust you. Maybe because I'm scared and this paper and pen are my only anchor to reality.My mind needs this anchor. I need you to know. I can sometimes hear your voice right next to me, telling me not to cry. Telling me you miss me. I believe those voices sometimes. Other times I believe the opposite and I cry and believe the opposite of what "you" tell me.
You know I avoid writing letter that will never be sent or maybe even seen. They're a sheild when I'm falling apart. When my mouth, eyes, and heart betray my mind.
It's like I'm writing to my own brain. Telling it to behave. Trying to hold onto my sanity with only my ring finger. My mind goes through so many trials. I don't know what's real anymore. My mind is spinning. I'm a cycle of self destruction. I fall for someone who hurts me and I seperate myself from the world.
I go to my own world where I'm the strongest. I am the girl everyone wants to be. In my world it's amazing. Everything is strangely beautiful. Streets littered in red glitter-like blood. Rivers of silver. Cold, dingy buildings covered in wet waters. everyone wears masks in my world. Everyone's masks are different accept mine. mine is made of mirrors.

I reflect what everyone wants to see.


I hate being everyone else.

Love,
Emily
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Saturday, February 12, 2011

don't worry brit i am too:]
I guess it just seems more meaningful, more romantic, to receive a letter:]
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Friday, February 11, 2011

britLAW
I am not Jail bait, loll. He's in jail at the moment though:// because of some stupid shit that happened before he met me. I've been writing him letters, Idk why but letters mean more than texts anyday, they're more personal:] and He's the sweetest guy ever. But Idk I think I'm trying to hard not to love him :[ but I want to. Hmmmmmm love. emily.
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