Sunday, October 11, 2009

My year in...... however long it takes you to read this monster of a really bad story.
Nothing seems to be going right this year... Im doing better in school this year, yes. But socially everything has gone to hell... Usually Im more careful about letting my gaurd down to knew people, but in my attempts to be less introverted and make life a bit more interesting, I made some new friends... Everything was fine from the start but then a whole new can of drama opened up on me and things turned to hell... After questionably being used by my gf for gifts after several half a year being together, mostly through the holiday time of year, she breaks up with me in march after a month of avoiding all contact. We break up mutually at that point and we continue to be friends but after that I never got to hang out 1 with her in the following 8 months, still questionably avoiding me, she had some good excuses and i'd love to believe her but I will always have that doubt.
Meanwhile
My new 'friends' had developed major crushes on me and had been secretly argued about it between each other individually and one day one of them accedentally started it up again right in front of me... I didnt have feelings for any of them, since my mind was still focused on madison(the ex) and all but one gave up.. I was kind of surprised...
She tried to keep it a secret but it was obvious that she still liked me and then started talking about it with the same people she fought with about it, who then supported her and finally got her to ask me out over summer. I felt bad about everything that had gone on earlier for her and looked back on my experience with madison and thought i would give it a shot. It was the best decision of my life.. Everything went great over the summer and I kinda started getting feelings for her but madison started actually talking to me again towards the end of summer, and my attention immediately went back to her.
School starts back up, i break up with jessica, the new ex and a few weeks later i finally get to hang out with madison. We had fun, we went to see 9 and she decides she wants to go out with me again.
I tell one of my new 'best friend's and we talk about it for awhile. I come to school 2 days later (because it was a saturday) and jessica is completely avoiding me and her friends, the people i had known and been friends with longer were mad at me too. I asked around and a rumor started by that 'friend' had sprung about how i was emotionally cheating on her the whole time and had completely played her, although it was nothing like that. So i eventually had that cleared up, but jessica was still mad because i didnt tell her about hanging out with madison before my other 'friend' had. And then thinks i dont trust her, and gets upset again.

All this while ive neglected my real and closer friends.

And now my trust between all of my friends has been severed by either or both sides to the point where we might as well just consider ourselves aquaintences.

And now Im going out with madison again but I am beginning to see the patterns start up again. It hurts alot to still remember everything from before and see it happening again, while besides what had happened in nov 2001 (1 close family member died on each side of the parentals' family and 1 in my family((brother)) consequetively in a week), this might be the worst week of my life... and I believe I might have made the worst mistake of my life getting back with her at Jessica's expense, when Jess has truly been there all along...

I use to think,and had accepted that my meaning in life was to help and guide others, being someone anyone could come and talk to.

I now feel as though my meaning has been stolen from me and my freedoms are being taken from me.
My close FRIENDS no longer go to my school so i cant hang out with them or talk to them. Jessica has my other friends wrapped around her finger so they trust her more than me now. And ultimately, I feel neglected and looked down on by everyone.
Even my family has been neglecting me a bit, normally I would LOVE this. But now its my health being neglected. I need to see a doctor over many recent occasions and as I have reminded them over and over, it was never set up. I have cists behind my ears that wont go away and shouldnt even form there... And thursday night, I was at karate, being forced to kick people during sparring and the EVERYONE blocked with their elbows... I want to get it over with fast so i have to show effort so i can get a new belt... Imagine 10 bony elbows coming down between the bones and muscles of your foot as you the 2 forces combine, atleast 5 times each round! My dad doesnt even care either, they wont have it xrayed, im pretty sure its fractured, but im forced to go around walking on it for hours each day doing chores...
However they worry about me getting into college but they constantly murder any self esteem i manage to build up by the end of everymonth by somehow relating it to the fact Im just a relaxed person and how im too laid back that i can never be successful because i will never care about a due date.. And never find a job because im too incompetant (i am but i try my best not to be and 99% of the time they use it as an example, it hasnt actually applied to the example and is only an excuse to prove a point that they wont let me defend without taking away something ive earned)

Anyways, thats what has gone on over all this time... No one knows the whole truth about whats been going on lately but whoever has read this now... Life just really sucks right now... I would have posted this in bits and peices on facebook over time but I know no one bothers to read it so Im posting it here so i can get it all off my chest where i dont get the false hope that people actually care when they really dont and so if I become suicidal for having nothing in life anymore, theres atleast an archive for the mental mayhem ive gone through this past year... I cant wait to move out... 15 more months... Maybe i can survive that long... And even if i cant manage the payments for a home or apartment, anything will be better than being here.


I truely appreciate anyone who has read all this and thought it over to comment. Even if its only 1 or 2 sentences (though that would be very depressing), thats 1 or 2 more sentences than any of my real life 'friends' would have read on facebook...
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