Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I have been here many times before, hurt my self again today.
and the worst part is there is no one else to blame..

--

I cant believe you're actually going to leave her.. I never thought you would. The more I talk to you lately, the more i see you in her. If only just the good parts. You make me ask my self what it is i'm doing. why i'm caring so much. why i can't just let go of the hopeless. I know that nothing is going to come out of this so why am i wasting my time? because i have nothing better to do then waste my time since i don't see a point anymore.

I really wish I knew when I became so stubborn. When did I become someone who can't accept the fact that they can't have something? all my life i've never been able to have what I want and I always moved on, I always bounced back eventually. This is different though, why is this different? Because I saw you give it some possibility? Sometimes I feel like you taunt me with the possibilities. The things I'll never be able to have. I don't know if I'd rather have you push me away all those times I get to close to you, all those times I break the personal space rules. Call it cliche but I can't help but want to be in your arms because that's the only place that I don't feel this pain.. I hate it when I have to tear my self away from you and watch you back away from me because I always feel like I'm losing you. I feel like one day I'm going to wake up and you're just going to be gone.. why? Shouldn't it be the opposite way around? Will you ever even miss me? I've tried so hard to become someone who means something to you.. I know you can't love me, but why can't you care? Why does it seem like it pains you just to ask me if I'm okay? and why do I care enough to lie and say yeah, i'm fine? It doesn't break you like it breaks me when you're not okay.. but you're never okay. No. Never.

ehhh... /complain complain.

Jordan has to go to Minnesota Saturday-Tuesday... T_____T'' Sooo. I'm leaving town friday night.. She might be there even longer if her great grandma passes away.. I don't want to go to the opera without her.. Oh well. We'll hopefully get to go ice skating this weekend.. and I know that we're probably going horseback riding.. which sounds fun I guess.

I have such a beautiful plan. i'll even draw you a picture.

-jenny


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