Saturday, August 4, 2012
sorry I haven't been on much :( I've missed this place.
My brother's getting married in a week. I'm a bridesmaid and nervous. I hate any family function because they always look me over with scrutiny and make me feel bad about myself with how I look. So I know no matter how hard I try I'll never look good enough. Just yesterday I went over to pick up these shoes I ordered to go with my dress. Within 20 minutes my mother complained that I smelled of garlic (I have no idea why I haven't eaten any), my clothes were covered in pet hair (I was just sitting down on her couch she lets 2 dogs sleep on), why was I dressed all in black (work attire, black pants and a black collared button down shirt), I should be wearing nicer shoes, and the shoes I just bought for the wedding looked bad. So I've wasted so much money on 3 types of shoes, none of them good enough (they're actually quite nice, trust me on that). I want to look great, but my best efforts just somehow fall short :( then there's my hair, but that's another matter. Sigh. Often I wonder why we have these kinds of societal-constructed bonds of loyalty to family members when they cause us such distress. I believe in surrounding yourself with people who make you feel worthwhile.
It's funny, as I get older, all sense of family to me, I don't have any desire for it anymore. About a year ago I decided that I didn't want a wedding, and now I'm not sure that I even ever want to be married. I like the idea of being self-sufficient, self-dependent, and attaching yourself to another person makes you vulnerable and most likely to be taken advantage of. Fairy tales all end once the couple gets married. And nowadays I see more stories of eventual betrayal, divorce, and children not getting proper care because two people can't stay together.
When did I get so morose? We're supposed to have an optimistic outlook on our future and pair up happily. I've been desiring to be proposed to, but more as a result of my own insecurities that I'm not loved enough, and I've come to decide that maybe the only way I can have confidence in myself is not being dependent on another, but on myself, and in not marrying, I retain that sense of self-dependence and confidence.
Thanks for reading, please provide your thoughts, I'm not against marriage, I've longed for it for awhile, I'm actually surprising myself to find my personal preference for it however altering. The idea of worrying about, taking care of just myself and my new puppy - I like it.