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Gender
• Female
Location
• Where the wind takes me
Member Since
• 2005-08-04
Occupation
• hopeless romantic
Real Name
• the nickname's Lute

Personal

Favorite Anime
• Azumanga Daioh
Nodame Cantabile
FF7AC
Rurouni Kenshin
Hibiki's Magic
Trigun
Someday's Dreamers
Cowboy Bebop (manga
Favorite Anime Movies:
Howl's Moving Castle
Princess Mononoke
Spirited Away
Ponyo
Goals
• find true love, the kind with lightning
Hobbies
• Making people laugh and making people confused
Talents
• Juggling up to 3 things working on 4
procrastination
piano, although I'm not a pro it helps me unwind




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myOtaku.com: CrystalFlute


Friday, May 18, 2012

well, I decided against the chameleon. Although it would've been cool, truth is there are other pets I would much rather have, and I really want a pet that you can interact with more. I guess I got excited because it was the first pet suggestion Joe's actually been in favor of.

I start my new job on Monday! Surprisingly I'm not excited, if anything I'm getting a nervous sick feeling in my stomach. It's been so long since I've had a job, let alone one in an office, I'm so nervous about my physical ability to handle the hours and I'm afraid they're gonna ask me to do computer stuff that I'm not familiar with and as usual with any job, the first month is me looking like an idiot as I'm learning everything and asking the stupidest of questions.



Warning: the following is a rant about my mother. Feel free to skip.
I've also been getting really stressed over my mother. It's either "get a job" or if I got one then it's "that job's not good enough for you" and " you're not getting paid enough." Even this one, is in an office, double what my last job paid, it's a good spot, and she doesn't think it's good enough, and thinks I won't even be able to handle it. She went, "do you even know powerpoint?!?" and I'm like, "um, I did go to college, where I used that frequently..." -the job isn't even about that program! she doesn't know what she's talking about. I HATE how I crave her approval and want her friendship yet at every turn it's always how my hair isn't blonde enough, or styled enough, or cut just right, my clothes aren't good enough, my make-ups been done bad, my nails aren't painted, I'm not wearing enough jewelry, I'm sick of trying and I know I should just ignore her but somehow I still want that "attagirl!" as a result I've come to hate myself, have very low self confidence, I believe I'm ugly, I hate my hair, I hate my face, I hate my clothes, I hate my body, I believe I can't succeed, that, or there's no point in trying because no matter what I do will ever be good enough. I want desperately to move far far away. But I'm with Joe and I love him and don't want to leave him. That also means being stuck 5 minutes from her, and even though I don't see her everyday, she still texts and calls. It's gotten to a point where she doesn't even have to say anything, I just get ready to have dinner with her and I get all worked up and defensive because when I sit down I'm waiting for it, waiting for the criticism which NEVER fails to come, usually about my appearance. I've stopped trying, and do something on purpose just so I'll at least know what she's going to comment on so she doesn't hurt my feelings about something I thought she would actually like. Now the very thought of her just gets me riled up.
Then there's my mother's mother. I'll simplify and just say there's pure hatred there.
As a result, I've come to need constant reassurance. Joe's great at reassuring me -most of the time. He's very quiet so I never know what he's thinking. I wish if I was annoying or upsetting him he'd trust me enough to tell me so. Also his silence just ends up confirming my paranoias, which I don't know for sure but drives me crazy. I'm afraid I'm pushing him away with my need for reassurance. At the same time this might all be in my head. But I dunno, he won't say anything. He's less responsive to my touch and I don't know whether he's tired, stressed from work, or if it's me. And he won't say one way or the other. I guess unless he says something the best thing to do is assume it's ok. There's not much I could do otherwise

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Thanks for reading. If you read my rant, bless you. Although for your sake I kinda hope you skipped over it. I guess the sum-up is: how do you ignore your mother, and how do you get the courage to have faith and confidence in yourself? You all had really great comments on my last post, thank you so much ^^ my birthday's this weekend. Gonna be 25, and I couldn't be more unexcited.
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