Wednesday, October 13, 2004

   Wednesday

Yup, I've made it another three days without keeling. ^^

Suprisingly, my days have been getting increasingly better. And I didn't sob myself to sleep after going to Jon's grave; it's in a really nice niche of the cemetary, and his headstone was beautiful..

But anyway, I've had this huge German project to do.. something about reporting the weather. XD Unfortunately, Frau has limited my vocabulary, so I can't go off on a tangent that no one else would understand.

Drat.

But school life keeps looking better, especially now during Homecoming week... we had a dress-up day, and Steven and I decided to go Star Wars next year. We're going to blackmail our freinds into doing it with us, so we can (hopefully) have the entire cast. ^_^

BUT, since I have really... odd... freinds, I'm probably going to be stuck with a bunch of Ewoks. BUT, that'll be okay, because then I can wear my Stormtrooper outfit, and we can re-enact the Episode VI Endor-seige scenes.

Or something. 0.o

So today was Cosplay day, and tomorrow is Flashback day... meaning we have to wear clothing that "flashes back". -.- I decided to "flash back" a few centuries to feudal Japan and go as a ninja. They never said we HAD to do '60s..

And Mr. Larsen, my band teacher, told us about some teen-slasher movie he'd watched years ago... It was hilarious, especially after hearing a teacher tell it to us...

Some chick gets kidnapped, tied to a tree, and the killer ties a knife to the end of her trombone, then trombones the chick to death. XD I dunno if that made any sense to you, but it's funnier in context.. *snicker*

Anyway, the "up-points" of my life have been revolving around band these past weeks.. I didn't know my conductor was an avid Sci-Fi fan, so now we talk about cheesy Sci-Fi movies instead of French Horn...

And I stole my little brother's Trombone last night, and I'm not giving it back. ^^

~'Till next time,~
CLAIR, the IMMORTAL
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Sunday, October 10, 2004

   The Beginning of a New Week:

It's been a week since Jon left us, and I must admit: I'm doing better. I started talking again Thursday afternoon, and I've slowly gotten my social side back. However, some days are harder than others, such as today. In church, they were talking about October being pastor appreciation month; I thought about how mu youth pastor listened to me whining and sobbing last Monday at school. I'm most definetly jotting him a letter of appreciation for making sure I was okay.

Anyway, life's slowly getting back to normal. I was talking to my parents about college, and they told me I already have my college paid for. 0.o WOW! That makes the rest of my high-school life much less stressful; since I don't have to pay for college by myself, I won't have a need to save up for student loans, et cetera. ^^ Wowie, mom and dad, you just made my day!!

~Clair, the Immortal~
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Wednesday, October 6, 2004

   Wednesday

Today was Jon's funeral, and Eric said that it was lovely.

I ended up staying in school, due to urging from freinds and family. I guess they're right..

I've been feeliing anti-social, so I've barely conversed with anyone today. I feel selfish making everyone else put up with my bad mood, so I've found that seclusion is my best option.

Although, I'm just fine, until someone mentions Jon, suicide, or depression. Like during sixth hour, we had an off day where we could do whatever, so I talked with some freinds. I felt really great, especially since the book I'm reading right now is funny. I felt like my mood was finally beginning to lighten, and I felt great. Then I came to English, where we were watching a movie... and, ironically enough, one of the character commits suicide.

I felt like someone built me a big statue, then knocked it over in front of my face. Much to my own distain, I started feeling alone again.

I'm having a hard time right now, but to everyone who's been encouraging to me in any way, shape, or form, I want to thank you. I know you're trying to help, and I might not show it to you, but I appreciate it, and I lock those hugs, comments, and notes away in my heart.

~Clair, T.I.~
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Tuesday, October 5, 2004

   New Day, Fresh Start
Okay, so today was a little better than yesterday. In fact, it seemed to be going pretty good, until about sixth hour, whe we got the "suicide talk" again. I guess my memories are still too fresh.

Jon's funeral is tomorrow, and I don't think I'll be able to pull myself to go. It breaks my heart to not see him be buried, but I know that if I go, I'll sink deeper into depression. Instead, I'm going to his grave later so I can mourn him alone.

I'm also ticked off at everyone from school who's going to go to the funeral just to get out of school. How much ruder can you get?! I mean, they're using his death as an excuse to miss ONE DAY OF SCHOOL!

I've also begun sinking into my seasonal depresson.. it's October, and it's normal, but still. My mother's taking me to see a counselor, and my loving freinds at school are showing me where to buy a solar lamp. I'm hoping that those, along with medication, can help this winter be better than previous years.

A great escape from reality, however, is sleep. Unfortunately, it's something I haven't been doing much now. In fact, I haven't been sleeping at all during the nights because I know I'm not going to want to ever move again. I know it's bad for me, but I'm feeling messed up right now. You know, it's one of those times that I just plain feel antisocial. I was barely able to pull myself to go to symphony practice, let alone school.

So, from my perspective, LIFE SUCKS.

Unfortunately, I know that it's just my odd S.D.D. that makes me think that, and I know that once counseling and such starts, I'll be back to normal. I hope.

Sadly enough, only two things have made me smile today: an off-topic comment about "King's Quest" from Torra today at lunch, and when I was RPing online, and making others feel angsty.

I'm horrible; I've begun to take pleasure in other people's pain.. this isn't helping me at all. *sad smile*

So! I've been trying to think on the brighter side, but right now, I feel like there's been a solar eclipse.

I don't want tomorrow ever to come. In fact, I wish I could lock myself up in my room forever and ever, where I could be alone.

~Clair, T.I.~

Although, strong emotion always brings out thoughts, which can bring out the best writing... I've written plenty of short stories and poems in memory of Jon. Maybe someday I'll publish them.. I've got enough to make a treasury.
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Monday, October 4, 2004

   A Pretty Rough Time...
... Yeah, today was possibly one of the worst days of my life, as one of my freinds, Jon, commited suicide.

We got the "sucidal/depression" speech today as well, and my counselor suggested some ways to help with my seasonal depression, so I don't go off making rash decisions...

I have mixed emotions running through my mind right now; mostly confusion and dissapointment. I really wish I could have spent more time with Jon... he was such a fun kid. We ran cross country and did marching band together, and I don't know if I'll ever look at marching parades the same again.

Anyway, during times like this, I'd normally do something bad to myself, like slit at my wrist, but I was digging through old papers, and I found an encouraging note from a freind... T_T Thanks, Soliar.

Today also made me wonder what would happen if I ever actually commited suicide myself. The counselor's offices were open all day, so me and two of my other freinds went there to spill our guts and cry on each other's shoulders. The school also made a banner where you could write to Jon... I looked at everyone writing in it and wondered: "Why did you leave us?" So many people love him, and he'll never know that now. *sigh*

Overall, today was rough, and I never want to relive it. The last time I sobbed this much had to be September eleventh, but this seems worse, because I lost a freind.

My views of suicide have changed drastically, and I'm hoping this will help me stop my self-mutilation. I've decided to go in for counseling during the fall and winter months when I have my depression in order to avoid doing to other what Jon did to me.

So Jon, I love you, miss you, and wish you were with me again.

~Erin~
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Sunday, October 3, 2004

   Four hours and still cracking...
I got four hours of sleep last night, and I'm feeling rather "funny". ^_^ If you can picture me watching "Band of Brothers" with my older bro and giggling when a German says: "Halt! Du bist bose und amerikeranisch", that'd just about sum me up right now. Sorry if my posts make no sense, as I just drank way too much coffee. ^_^

And that'd also be my excuse for any spelling errors.

So, aside from that, I finally got around to everyone's site... if I missed yours, don't shoot meh. *ducks and covers*

I am ashamed to say I've gotten myself into Digimon. *curse you, Soliar!* Well, more like the second season, but that's okay. Cursed thing's addicting... and I hate its theme song. *downloads*

I also finally got my window fixed, after it being gone for nearly a month. Gah, my room's falling apart. 0.o

And I've got a crapload of musical stuff going on. If you remember from a few posts back, I had my French Horn audition? I ended up getting second chair, which is good in a really bad kind of way. You see, I'm a little overly-serious when it comes to my musical studies, so second chair isn't quite good enough for meh. >.< Anyway, I'm challenging, so that's been my main concern. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself if I lose.

Anyway, that's my band story. My orchestra story goes a little something like this: 'I made it into the city symphony!!' that's right... third chair Viola. *rejoices* Now THAT'S good enough for me, considering I'm a high-schooler in a college-level group. *sigh* Although, I *do* intend to make it to first stand next semester, when we re-audition. ^^

I'll shut up now.
~Clair, teh Immortal~

And Dante's Inferno Test claims I'm violent. *kills*
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Friday, October 1, 2004

What has
This is going to be nice and short... just a little rant about how William Shatner is going to totally screw over that "Iron Chef USA: Showdow in Las Vegas". Now, let's take the fact that I hate Shatner in the first place, and that his action sucks... GRAH! And now he's hosting a crappy American Remake of one of my favorite tv shows? NOO!!! Chairman Kaga could kick Kirk's butt ANY DAY!

~All for now,~
Clair, da immortal


I'll get to my rounds tomorrow, it's like midnight, and I'm sleepy.
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Tuesday, September 21, 2004

   Life's Swell
Heh... anything bad that has ever happened to me was just erased by this weekend. ^_^

On Saturday, a group of freinds and I raided Sea Monkey's house, and we watched Family Guy until 11:30 pm. ^^

On Sunday, I was finally told wht I volounteered for on Wednesday (you know, that 'moving experience'? ^^), and it turns out that I'm given a hundred dollars to multiply for the church, then donate it to help grow God's kingdom outside of the congregation. Talk about cool! I've already recruited Sunny and Soliar to help me, and I can tell that the two months time limit I've been given is going to fly by. ^^

Also on Sunday, I finally got to go see "Hero"... it was so awesome! It was all in Chinese, so I was grateful for the subtitles. I don't see why people complain about them, though... there's a point in the movie that the subtitles just kind of match the flow of the speech, and you don't even notice that they're speaking in Chinese. ^^ It was a beautiful movie!

There was also a cosplay convention in town. ^^ YEAH! Soliar, Torra, and Cai dragged me along for the fun of it, and we had a great time! There was a costume contest, a drawing, et cetera... and I won first prize for my shinobi outfit. ^^ Once I actually getting around to taking a picture, I'll show you what the thing looked like. ^^ What made it even better was that Cai won second place, and Torra won a drawing. ^_^ It was by FAR the awesomest thing that's ever happened to me.

I love conventions! *huggles* How I envy those who live in cities where they happen more often.

~Clair, da Immortal~
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Saturday, September 18, 2004

   School Rivalries
Okie, so I'm pretty sure that every school in the nation has its "rival", but I think that ours is the worst. Yesterday evening was the Cushman Classic, a football game where Red River and Central face off annually. Anyway, I go to Red River and I have some very good freinds who go to Central. I went into the Central stands to find them, and received some VERY rude comments. (Maybe it was the fact that Central was leading us at halftime, 40-0...) Those comments really hit home, and I got upset. >.< I'm one of those people who needs to be alone when they're mad, so I ditched my freinds for a while, moped around, and then returned to them. Big mistake. They know me well enough to figure out when something is wrong, and I got that stream of questions: "what's wrong?" "are you feeling okay?" "did so-and-so do anything?" A word of advice: when someone's feeling depressed and doesn't answer when you try to talk to them, it's usually a sign that they're not feeling sociable. Anyway, I just plain felt like crap for the rest of the game. I think the worst part was the fact that I wasn't even mad at the Central students who were ripping at me, I was furious at myself for even thinking that they would cut me any slack for being good freinds with some of their students. Grr. Anyway, when I get pissed at myself, I slit my wrist, but I somehow talked myself out of cutting this time. (It's a habit I'm trying to break) Anyway, after the game was done and the football feild was cleared, an old freind of mine whom I haven't seen in YEARS came up to say hello... he lightened my mood with some homecoming jokes, and something about a tazer... but that's beyond the point. My mood got better once I didn't have to look at screaming Central fans, and the rest of the night went pretty well.

I watched Iron Chef... it was the "Sake Conjuror" versus Iron Chef Marimoto. ^^

Of course, Tracy wasn't home, so I wasn't able to comment on the show with her. T.T But it's not really that important, since our favorite Iron Chef wasn't in that battle. ^^ WE LOVE YOU, IRON CHEF SAKAI! ^_^

Erm... with that out of my system, thanks for reading my pointless rambling. ^^ I love you ALL! *eats*

~Clair, deh Immortal~
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Thursday, September 16, 2004

   Oh, what a beutiful MO~~RNING~~!!!!
Well, it's not really morning... more like 4:34, but that's beyond dah point. ^_^

Today was an exceptionally great day, as I've gotten no homework, I'm finally understanding the Debit/Credit T-accounts in accounting, and I got to romp around outside today for biology. ^_^ In health, we took a fat-lean tissue ratio test, and I came over seven points below average... I need to gain some weight. T.T I had this huge plan to kick open the door to my house and scream "I'm clinically obese!!!" to everyone in the vicinity, but I can't do that now. *sigh*

In any case, the philosophy club had its first meeting today... we did brainstorming and an overview of what we want to do this year. Our leader brought in a paper asking about how much of a person's 'personal views' are decided by their parents, their culture, and their peer group. It was a lotta fun, I can't wait 'till next week!

And the organizational meeting for the FBLA is next monday... I'm anticipating it!

'Till tomorrow...
~Clair, deh Immortal~
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