Saturday, December 24, 2005
I haven't cried in almost 7 months. I balled the other night.
I've wanted to cry almost every day since then. Mrs. Williams found out
about what I was doing and I know she wanted to help
but she made me feel like total crap. "People are going to judge you.
You have a gorgeous face, what are you going to have to go with it? those aren't going to go away! And what of your wedding day? do you really want ppl to see that?" she made me feel so ugly and horrible. I know she didn't mean it but it doesn't change it. I never thought about the fact that they wouldn't go away. I don't want them there tho. I don't want to be able to look back in years and remember what I did, what I went through. I just really need a pair of arms to wrap around me and hold me. I want to hear I love you from someone who means it. I wanna be told it's going to be ok. I need for my dad to find a job. I want my mom to stop stressing about every little thing that has to do with money. I want my brother to get up on his own two feet. I want my family to come together and be happy. I need security. I need love...I had so much more typed but my computer erased it. I'm through. I want to get everything off my chest. They say this is what happens when you don't talk. And when I do I feel even worse. I'd rather do it. I don't know if I can keep my promise, God. Please forgive me.
And to add on to all that Chris found someone he wants to go out with. I was gonna make it official on Christmas but I guess I deserved that.