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Monday, December 28, 2009

   Yet another problem.
Don't I just seem to be full of them?
Okay. Here goes.
I was dumped last month on the anniversary of my previous break-up.

I want to be how I used to. I'm not me anymore.
I used to be sweet. Caring. Compassionate. Giving. Easily influenced. I had a lot of friends and I was easy to make friends with. I used to care.
I try and go out and socialize with people. You know- get to know what people my age do- and make friends. Be normal.
It's not like I feel like I'm trapped.
Infact, the opposite. I feel like I have too much space- like the world has been laid out bare before me- and it's empty.

I have nothing to limit me anymore. I don't have any boundries to play in. In fact- I'm above the playground. And I go out, I socialize- I try to make friends. Then I realise that all of these people- these humans- are disgusting, dirty, foul things. not one person I've met in the last few months has been a respectable person. Drug-addicts, alchoholics, suicidals, egocentric/egotistical self-righteous gremlins that need to stay under their bed.

They all either want something from me, like art or money, or they flirt with me, shamelessly, like they think I'm some sort of animal.

And now no one matters enough to me. Sure, I have a couple friends- a couple acquaintances and past-friends, but besides two people- I don't talk to anyone anymore. Lost contact no matter how much I looked, because they're impossible to find, or don't want to be found. But now that I've been kicked over into the gutter on the side of the road- I've been.. ...I'm not sure of the word. Excluded.. removed.. exiled, perhaps..?
I need serious help.

I try to ask for forgiveness and I'm met with silence.

I don't know what to do, or even who's listening.. I need to get in touch with old friends. I don't come here anymore and coming back and asking for help makes me feel guilty when I don't return the favor.
Somebody add me on an IM..?

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