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Monday, December 28, 2009

   Yet another problem.
Don't I just seem to be full of them?
Okay. Here goes.
I was dumped last month on the anniversary of my previous break-up.

I want to be how I used to. I'm not me anymore.
I used to be sweet. Caring. Compassionate. Giving. Easily influenced. I had a lot of friends and I was easy to make friends with. I used to care.
I try and go out and socialize with people. You know- get to know what people my age do- and make friends. Be normal.
It's not like I feel like I'm trapped.
Infact, the opposite. I feel like I have too much space- like the world has been laid out bare before me- and it's empty.

I have nothing to limit me anymore. I don't have any boundries to play in. In fact- I'm above the playground. And I go out, I socialize- I try to make friends. Then I realise that all of these people- these humans- are disgusting, dirty, foul things. not one person I've met in the last few months has been a respectable person. Drug-addicts, alchoholics, suicidals, egocentric/egotistical self-righteous gremlins that need to stay under their bed.

They all either want something from me, like art or money, or they flirt with me, shamelessly, like they think I'm some sort of animal.

And now no one matters enough to me. Sure, I have a couple friends- a couple acquaintances and past-friends, but besides two people- I don't talk to anyone anymore. Lost contact no matter how much I looked, because they're impossible to find, or don't want to be found. But now that I've been kicked over into the gutter on the side of the road- I've been.. ...I'm not sure of the word. Excluded.. removed.. exiled, perhaps..?
I need serious help.

I try to ask for forgiveness and I'm met with silence.

I don't know what to do, or even who's listening.. I need to get in touch with old friends. I don't come here anymore and coming back and asking for help makes me feel guilty when I don't return the favor.
Somebody add me on an IM..?

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Friday, May 29, 2009

   ..coming here again for rantings..
.I hate it when people don't give you a while to get ahold of yourself.
They're always 'houndhoundhound'. when all I want to do is calm down.
..me. I find like I act like a small wild animal. I try to get away, and once backed into a corner, I lash out with all i have in a desperate attempt to get away.. then look what kind of idiot I look like.
I also hate people who act like-- .. who, when you're upset, stay absolutely calm, talk all matter-of-factly as if they know everything, and just..
-having a really, really bad day..-

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Friday, May 1, 2009

So here's the story..

Around Jan. last year, I started dating a girl. I loved her more than anything. I knew her before- I could just barely talk to her because mum hates her. Introduced me to yaoi/yuri, porn, 4chan ect.
anyway. We were happy meeting in secret. We texted and called eachother all the time. Talked for hours a day. Blissful.

Then I moved.
You see- I'm a mirror. I discovered this in..October? I take in personality, mood, habit, traits if I'm with them enough. anyway, this town- Wetaskiwin- horrible place. Scary, crime filled..
So when we moved- I didn't want to go out. So I was with mum more and more. All I could do to talk to my girlfriend was text over phone. She was long distance and it would show up on the bill. I wasn't legal yet. She was 3 years older.
So I became like mum more.. fought easy, never at fault.. I never even realised.
Not only that, I tried school again after a lifetime of homeschool.
Everything was hell.
I was desperate for friends. One of them.. He liked me. A lot. I kinda liked him to. So we got close. I felt so guilty, so..horrible. I was sorting things out eventually.
She dumped me October 8.
I was distraught. I was hoping to maybe fix things, when.. December came. We were both horrid to each other even more. I can't remember the unhappy blur that well. My head hurts when I think about it lately. I'll tell you another time when my thoughts are straight.
Then. April 3rd.
I was irritable. Angry. She was being all high and mighty. And I said some things I shouldn'tve.
We are no longer friends. We were 'enemies' according to her. After a couple weeks, she talked to me. Barely. Every few days for a couple irritable notes.
I changed out of desparation. I'm not like anyone atm. She doesn't believe me though. She'll consider it in three months, she said.

In the two weeks we didn't talk..
she got a boyfriend.

Now I don't know what to do.

Should I wait? See if she's bluffing about the relationship?
distance myself in case it's true?
Continue to chase after her?
I don't know.

Now I'm breaking up with the guy I've been with. I'm trying to get a girlfriend again..
Got a kitten.
Going to move in with some guys soon..

Well there you go. Everything I can think of now.

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Thursday, April 30, 2009

Seeing as how no one is here anymore, I'll update for old times sake.

Life sucks. I had a girlfriend, I moved, I lost her, I was betrayed by so many people.. It sucks donkey balls.
It's been so long, I don't think anyone remembers me. It's sad.
Well.. we'll see how it all goes I guess.

18 now. I'm moving in with a couple of guys. Hope we get the apartment we want.

See you later?

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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

..It's been too long..
But I can trust people here. First- anyone alive?

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Monday, April 30, 2007

Uh, yeah!
I'm gonna try and live more here.
*looks at background*
And update some shit. Hooooo-wow.
That's old..
And that's old, and..
Well, hope to see you guys around.
Oh, and I don't check my guestbook, it's no use signing it asking to visit your page. ._.
I just have no time for it.
So sorry.
For all my other friends...

May It Last

Youkai Trunks

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Friday, January 12, 2007

Okay, i'm s desperate to sell my art i'm gonna put an offer up on here too. I'm drawing pictures for money, and the price is $3 per picture. It has to be cute, but I can to cute fanart too. It can be a sketch, pencil'd, or pen'd, you just need to tell me what you want. I have my offers sent to Macedorum@hotmail.com and if anyone is familliar with Furcadia, my name is Xyan. Please guys, i'm begging you, there's some stuff I really, really, REALLY want to buy, and I need that cash DX! So if you could spare a couple $ for me, I'll draw for you ;;' .. Uh... G-...guys? Hello? Anyone left?

... In other news, I have two new mp3 players for christmas which made me a really happy camper. Also the Nightmare Before Christmas which is my FAVORITESTMOVIEOFALLTIME. And my lizard has grown to two feet, I still look the same as I did a couple years ago, I even weigh the same, wtf, and also I've been getting better at drawing! Check out www.demon-saiyajin.deviantart.com to see if you like anythi- .. THERE I GO AGAIN. Sorry, i'm just really desperate to get commished x3

Anywho, enough of my rambling, i'll let you go to your lives again. Well, if you're all still there... *listens to crickets chirping*

May It Last

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Thursday, December 28, 2006

-I- ... am ALIVE.
Anyone around?
I'm still alive, and this place is gonna keep living, so if there's any friends still alive out there, i'm still here! 8D!

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Thursday, October 5, 2006

I haven't been here for so long...
My computer is so slooow~...
*waves arms around*

*fifteen mintues later* ; ; it's gone now...
*coughs* Now, I've been thinking of leaving myO. Please comment on that, because I really don't think of it anymore oO'
on http://www.demon-saiyajin.deviantart.com I got alot of new pictures, please look at them~

May it Last

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Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Oh... my tummy... my legs... my feet... I ran all the way to the library so I could be here for some advisory group, and i'm fifteen minutes early... Stupid clocks... Well, I drew new pictures, so you'll see them soon... If I stay alive long enough to submit them... BTW, I read the fourth volume of Loveless, and I no longer reccommend it... just 1 and 2... four = evil... yuri... But Honey Comb by Kazuya Minekura is fun... *giggle* Corpses.... murder... and Wild Adapter is fun too. Arasio is hilarious. If anyone can, i'd gladly pay you money for one of those manga...? Wild Adapter and Arasio... it's so fun... well, i'll be around later... *faints* X.X

May it Last

Youkai Trunks

(OUCH! TEH P41N!!!)

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