Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Well, I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. At home I feel like my brother controls my life, even though he's only eleven, it's really messed up and I really don't know how the hell it ended up this way but he's driven me to the point of having a mental breakdown. I honestly don't think that he realizes what he says to me really hurts. He may think he's playing a game, or just teasing me but it cuts deep. I don't really feel like repeating what he's said but he's said some pretty horrible things to me and they have really altered my perception that I have of myself. He makes me feel like I have to be absolutely perfect for him to accept me, so all I can do now is beat myself up because I think I'm just a horrible person or something. It's really not a healthy way to think. I mean who the hell is a 'perfect' person? I know I'll never be perfect. No one is perfect. I used to have confidence in myself, but now I have barely any and it has become hard for me to socialize with other people because I feel like I'll never have any close friends so I just don't try anymore and I just stay by myself. I really don't know what I did to my brother that makes him treat me this way, like he's ashamed that I'm his sister or something. I started to ask myself why I let it all build up inside of me, and that he has no reason to take advantage of me. I'm five years older than him so if anyone is being taken advantage of, it shouldn't be me. These past couple of days i've been starting to get really angry and literally wanted to kill him I just don't know what to do, I want to leave, I wnat to get away from him but I really have no where to go. My older brother is married and always busy and I never talk to him, so I'd just feel like I'd be bothering him I only see my sisters every couple of years and they live in Arizona and they are both married with kids, so I don't really think they'd want another person to be living with them. So I don't know. I realy can't wait until I can get out of here. Today my friend was nice enough to let me go over to her house for a little while, and I haven't been to anyone's house in maybe three or four years because I don't have close friends, so it was nice. We talked for a couple of hours, and then I got to play with her Wii :D I've never actualy played with a Wii before so I really didn't know what the hell I was doing, and I'm pretty sure I looked a like an idiot swinging the controller around in the air 8D The conversations we had were really weird and I don't know how but, first we were talking about, well I can't even remember what we were talking about but it was something really random that turned into me talking about having yaoi slaves and then she said "Well I want to kidnap Kyo and make him wear a really short maid costume with ripped fishnets, high heels, and of course he needs to wear a lolita headpeice, and I need to add some chains to add to his costume, oh and I'll have to build him something on my wall so that he can be chained up next to my bed and he'll moan my name." She was talking about Kyo from Dir en Grey of course. And then we talked about other things like that. It was fun, we are such pervs XDD So that was a nice way to get my mind off of things for a while, and then I got to finaly dye my hair :D It's nice to be happy once, even if it's only going to last until tomorrow and then things will go back to normal..but I don't really want to think about that right now. Thank you, to those of you who actualy read all of this because I really just needed some way to let it all out. Hearts

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