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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I really don't know what I'm doing anymore.

At home I feel like my brother controls my life, even though he's only eleven, it's really messed up and I really don't know how the hell it ended up this way but he's driven me to the point of having a mental breakdown.

I honestly don't think that he realizes what he says to me really hurts.

He may think he's playing a game, or just teasing me but it cuts deep.

I don't really feel like repeating what he's said but he's said some pretty horrible things to me and they have really altered my perception that I have of myself. He makes me feel like I have to be absolutely perfect for him to accept me, so all I can do now is beat myself up because I think I'm just a horrible person or something.
It's really not a healthy way to think. I mean who the hell is a 'perfect' person? I know I'll never be perfect. No one is perfect.
I used to have confidence in myself, but now I have barely any and it has become hard for me to socialize with other people because I feel like I'll never have any close friends so I just don't try anymore and I just stay by myself.

I really don't know what I did to my brother that makes him treat me this way, like he's ashamed that I'm his sister or something.

I started to ask myself why I let it all build up inside of me, and that he has no reason to take advantage of me. I'm five years older than him so if anyone is being taken advantage of, it shouldn't be me.

These past couple of days i've been starting to get really angry and literally wanted to kill him I just don't know what to do, I want to leave, I wnat to get away from him but I really have no where to go.

My older brother is married and always busy and I never talk to him, so I'd just feel like I'd be bothering him

I only see my sisters every couple of years and they live in Arizona and they are both married with kids, so I don't really think they'd want another person to be living with them.

So I don't know. I realy can't wait until I can get out of here.

Today my friend was nice enough to let me go over to her house for a little while, and I haven't been to anyone's house in maybe three or four years because I don't have close friends, so it was nice.

We talked for a couple of hours, and then I got to play with her Wii :D

I've never actualy played with a Wii before so I really didn't know what the hell I was doing, and I'm pretty sure I looked a like an idiot swinging the controller around in the air 8D

The conversations we had were really weird and I don't know how but, first we were talking about, well I can't even remember what we were talking about but it was something really random that turned into me talking about having yaoi slaves and then she said
"Well I want to kidnap Kyo and make him wear a really short maid costume with ripped fishnets, high heels, and of course he needs to wear a lolita headpeice, and I need to add some chains to add to his costume, oh and I'll have to build him something on my wall so that he can be chained up next to my bed and he'll moan my name."
She was talking about Kyo from Dir en Grey of course. And then we talked about other things like that. It was fun, we are such pervs XDD

So that was a nice way to get my mind off of things for a while, and then I got to finaly dye my hair :D

It's nice to be happy once, even if it's only going to last until tomorrow and then things will go back to normal..but I don't really want to think about that right now.

Thank you, to those of you who actualy read all of this because I really just needed some way to let it all out.

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Saturday, July 26, 2008

Cute :D

Well I don't really have anything to post about


I go to camp next Monday (I think)

I don't want to go

It just makes me wish I was a normal person D:

And then after camp I hvae to have that surgery I have every year. August sucks T_T

And I don't know why the have to do it, because they do a shit load of tests and they NEVER find anything wrong with me. EVER.

I have to be awake during it too. So it really sucks.

Oh well. Eventually they'll only have to do it every other year. But it just sucks because that's the only thing I have to look forward to each year. I'll never be able to live a normal life XD.

Well I should probably just shut up now because I'm sure no one honestly cares. But I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Pathetic, huh? XD

Oh, don't mind Saga


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Sunday, July 20, 2008

Because I'm a pevert;

Yeah I had to censore it because it is yaoi. I hope it's okay to post that.

Hurrrm hurrrrrm.

Maybe I'm too much of a perv.. T_T


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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Here's a stupid quiz, because, like always, I have absolutley nothing to post about,

My life is completly



Same thing, day after day nothing EVER changes

So yeah :D

Have you ever showered with someone?
In my mind

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?

Strawberry Milkshake or Banana Pancakes?

Last movie you saw in theaters?
Something stupid

I don't remember, honestly.

Burger King or Wendy's?

Where are you right now?

What are you doing right now?
Wasting my life

Would you rather go to Tokyo or Paris?
Tokyo. No. Fucking. Duh.

Are you listening to music right now?
Yes, Aicle


Who else is in the room with you?
A ghost D:

In winter, would you rather wear jackets or hoodies?

Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

How long can you go without your phone?
Well no one texts me anymore so I guess for a pretty long time, LOL.

Where did you last sleep other than your house?

I don't know.

If an ex said they hate you, you say?

Well, I wouldn't really give a damn.
Screw yourself, okay?

What is your current annoyance?
How slow life seems to be dragging by.

Do you like drama?

How many pills do you take a day?
Umm hmm about
22. But it depends on what day it is.

No I'm not mentally unstable, I have heart problems, okay? D:

Are you afraid of roller coasters?
I don't reallt care for them.

What would you do if your best friend told you they were moving?
I don't have one, so I guess I wouldn't really care XD

Macy's gift card or Hollister gift card?
Hollister can burn in hell.

At what age do you want to be married?

Where is your mom right now?
I don't know.

What are you supposed to be doing right now?

Are you slowly drifting away from someone?
Sadly, yes.

When was the last time you felt unbearably guilty?
I don't know.

Are you bored?

Who can you tell everything to?
No one

Who was the last person you talked to on aim?
I have MSN.

Can you play guitar hero?

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

What do you currently hear right now?

Aicle :D

Three days in a hotel or NFL game tickets?

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
Can't have kids. Don't want any.

Would you rather watch football or baseball?
Neither =_=

Whats the weirdest fact about you?


Yeah so if you guys have anything interesting to talk about, please do tell me :D

...this is one of the worst Oshare bands I've ever heard..his voice is kind of creepy.



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Saturday, July 12, 2008

So yeah. New theme. It still looks pretty crappy, but

Anyways, I'm finally done with summer school.
UGH I am so glad that I don't have that cocky-ass teacher anymore and thank god he's moving away this summer so I'll never have to deal with the jackass again

I keep forgetting that I'm going to camp the first week of next month. I really don't want to go because I hate camp, and because this is Minnesota, the camp HAS to be all the way up by Canada in the middle of freakin nowhere. Sucks. The only thing I'm exited about is I get to see friends from last year, but that's about it.

Also, there's a con that week, I've never been to a con before, and I'm tempted to go because they have a jrock fandom thing, Iron Ganguro, and Parapara fandom.
But other than that, I don't know why I would go, seeing as I'm not really into any animes anymore. More of manga, and of course music.

OH they also have this 'bishouen castle' It's like a host club. If my friend goes with me, we are definatly going to that. Hopefuly you don't have to be 18.
We've already decided we want either this host

Name: Tokimeku
Birthday: 07/16
Blood Type: B
Likes: rain, flirting, darkness, making people laugh, vodka, pipe organs, organic food, nudity, cuddling, being socially irresponsible, adventure, creativity, piercings, tattoos, animals, voyeurism, romance, meeting people
Dislikes: people, sunshine, saxophones, dishonesty, work, boredom, children
Favorite Food: vodka
Forum Title: Host Tokimeku

or this host

Name: Aiden
Blood Type: O
Likes: Clothing, flirting, being naughty, tattoos
Dislikes:dogs. smoking, loud people, pants
Favorite Food: sushi
Forum Title: Host Aiden


I guess I'll probably go as a VK boy.

Anyways, the rest of this month is going ot be boring. I don't have anything to do but sit here. And probably get fat. Like last summer. because I'm pathetic and my friends never want to do anything. LOL.

So maybe I'll just write some more yaoi-fanfics, obviously I'll never upload any one TheO because I don't write Shouen-Ai where they characters don't even kiss or anything. Yeah, I'm a perverted yaoi junkie. So what.

OMG KENZO'S DRUMS SAY 'What ever the fuck I want'

Aoi is so cute.


Feel free to leave a messege on my chatbox or whatever, people.

Vulgar Filth/Hearts

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Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Sorry for the randomness of this post, but since we can't delete comments, I have to post again,and unfortunatly I have nothing to post about, so I'll just leave some videos.

And, um I really don't know what video to leave so I'll just leave my favorite GazettE PV.

Once again, sorry for the lameness of this 'emergency' post.

My birthday is this Sunday, btw. *hint hint*

Vulgar Filth/Hearts

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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Just saying a quick hello before I go off to [summer] school =3
Sorry for the absence in posts.
I know what you guys are thinking *points to side of postbox* pure sex, right??

Have fun.

Vulgar Filth/Hearts

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Friday, May 30, 2008

This last week has been pretty sad. I miss my friends already.

My friends were teasing me and said the only reason I'm sad is because I can't stalk someone anymore.

Yeah well, that is part of the reason. LOL.

I'm kind of happy though, because, this year was actualy pretty fun, and, one year down three more to go.

And my birthday is in like three weeks =3

If there's one thing I learned this week it is, NEVER bring a really bad aoi to school. I brought the yaoi I recently bought to school and I opened it and my friend saw soemthing and she screams

So then she jumped on me and tried to take it from me. Well, three seconds later a teacher walked by. I'm sure he heard what she screamed and it probably looked like she was trying to rape me. So he's just like "Hello! ^_________^;;;;;;;;"

Then when she finaly got the book, she flipped to a part and she's like

"What the hell is he holding?"
Me: "*Ahem* Ummm......&%$#@"
"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Why is it blurred out if it is rated M and had plastic on it?"
Me:"Probably because they know people like me are going to take the plastic off and look for those parts."

Later in the week when I got ti back, I had it in my bag and my other friend took it out and started flipping through it.

Let's just say she's never been 'introduced' to yaoi. She thought is was the worst thing ever. LOL.

Good times.

So, I told some of you that the person I stalk caught me taking a picture of them with my phone, well, I never saw them after that, so my friend was probably right, I scared him off.
Ohhhh well. I guess that's what I get for being such a stalker. LOL

So, yeah.

I just wasted three minutes of my life watching this stupid video, so now I shall waste three minutes of your life too =D


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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

This is just another useless rant, in a way.

It's kind of funny watching yourself being erased from someone eles's life,

It's also funny to have to tell yourself that it's because there is always someone that's better than you who can replace yourself.

If that made any sense.


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Friday, May 23, 2008

Four more days left.

I am excited, but also sad, because there is someone I will miss seeing everyday, of course.

Right now I am trying not to fail intro to art, because I want to take more art classes, but I am getting alot of points taken off of my projects for being an 'over-acheiver' at least that's what my art teacher says. I am the farthest thing for being an over-achiever. I personaly think my projects turn out pretty good and I was wondering why I was getting a bad grade so the teacher told me to stay after class. He said something to the effect of,
"You take too long on your projects trying to make them perfect. You are an over-acheiver and that is why I take points off because I told you at the begining of the class that you can do things to the best of your ability and I will grade them based on effort. Well you waste your time."

The funny thing is, he said there are no deadlines until the end of the term so we could take as long as we want. I do not try to make my projects perfect, and I AM doing things to the best of my ability, so how am I an over acheiver? I don't know but I told my mother about this and this was her reply,

"Well, just make your projects shittier."

So I guess I will do that with my last project and see if I get the full credit. LOL.

Moving on, I finished the yaoi I bought. As I expected, the story wasn't all that good and the art wasn't amazing. But, we all know the reason why I read it, *ahem* don't we? The thing that made me laugh, and maybe I shouldn't really saythis on here..but I am a girl who apprectiates yaoi, so if you don't like it then don't say anything. LOL. Okay, what made me laugh was, they blurred out a certain 'part' on the guy and let me tell you, it looked REALLLLLLLLLLLLY WEIRD. But it was still pretty good.

Continuing withthe yaoi-ness, here is a video my friend showed me, I showed this to CD and Ryo already.

Slight language warning, but we're all mature people here.


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