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Wednesday, March 19, 2008


My tonsils have been gone since Monday. Ever since they left, only pain has been my companion. My whole body is in complete agony! And I'm very tired. But I wanted to post something that I never got around to. So here it is.

On... last Monday-Friday (I can't remember. I'm drugged and can't think straight right now... Zzz)... I was walking to the train station to get to school and this lady my family knows (I don't know her personally, but I occasionally see her here and there) was walking her neighbor's dogs and as I walked passed her, I heard her murmur, "Your whole family is f*cking sick." I was really hoping I was hearing things but I walked past her a little bit slower now to see if she would say it again. And she did. Now I was peeved. I turned around and stopped to look at her. She says, "Who the f*ck are you looking at?!" I say "Why the f*ck did you say that to me? I don't even f*cking know you! Leave me the f*ck alone!" Then she was like, "What?! I'll go over there right now and slap the sh*t outta you!" That really made me chuckle. "I'd like to see you try!" So I noticed she said something that made the dogs chase after me, but I didn't run away. All they did was growl at me. They were really quite small. If one bit me, I would have sent it flying with my foot. (Not that I hate dogs, because I love 'em! Just if they bit me, y'know?) At this point, my father came into the scene and was like, "Jessy, don't bother with this crazy old b*tch! She's nuts!" So I was just like, whatever, and went to school. Great. Now I have to watch my butt even more. This crazy lady probably has people watching me now -- people just waiting to jump me. Well, at least I'll be home for quite a while since the whole tonsillectomy thing. But seriously, this lady is loca! When she saw my father come, she was like, “I wasn’t even talking to your daughter!” And I was just like, “Unless you were talking to your dogs, you had to have been talking to me, because there is no one else around!”

But you know what the worse part of that whole scenario was? I found out my sister plotted it out. That’s right. My own flesh and blood used me as a pawn. You see, my sister has an auto-protection-thingy from this lady she used to be friends with. But then my sister did something to agitate her and she got jumped. (That was quite a while ago.) But even with the auto-protection, the lady always harasses my sister and the police never do anything about it. So my sister went to that crazy lady and told her to harass me so that the lady she has an auto-protection with goes to jail since it’s like guilty by association or something. Needless to say, my sister doesn't love me.

In fact, my sister hates me so much that she took the computer I was using away from me. Now, I get really sensitive over stuff like this. I kept crying because I begged her to let me at least take my files out of her computer and she wouldn't let me. I kept begging and wouldn't let her take the computer. So she called the cops claiming that I had mental problems and that I was hitting her, not letting her take her computer back. F*cking lying b*tch! And the whole time, I was just crying. Then I remember saying over and over, "I'm not crazy, I just want what's mine... I'm not crazy..." So now I'm "mentally ill" and all my very important files are deleted. All my music. All my homework. Etc. Everything. ='(

So now I'm stuck with this crappy computer. How I'm gonna get to comment everyone, I don't know. But I really am gonna try. I'm sorry I haven't been. Seeing people still comment me even though I'm not able to comment back really hits a soft spot in my heart and always makes me cry. I'm sick of crying! That’s all I ever do! I have to comment everyone back!

Crying... and the thing I've been crying most about... is Jeremy. I really messed up. I knew he had feelings for me. I just never realized they were like that. I broke his heart when I told him about what happened. Everyone warned me about that boy. But no. Hard-headed me didn't listen; didn't care. And I end up with nothing in the end. Nothing and no one. The only thing I can do now is apologize to him. Apologize and hope he isn't like me, not forgiving myself. I just wonder why... why I have to get hurt before I realize the one who really cared for me. Jeremy... I'm really sorry. I can't expect you to forgive me and can’t expect, well, anything from you anymore. You deserve better than me anyways. For the rest of my life, my heart will be fillled with regret and there will always be a bleeding hole there if you're not the one to mend it. That is how I feel. I can't believe how love works. I don't understand it.

Well, anyways. I don't think I'll be getting my drawings back from my ex. Great. Man, does everything have to go against me? Or, perhaps... I go against everyone...?

Oh, yea. One more thing. On St. Patrick’s Day (happy belated, btw!), I won a big chocolate bunny at school but since I was at the hospital, they gave it to someone else. omfg. T_T --



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