Monday, May 2, 2005

No Need for Subjects!
Ahhhh... an amusing subject for a serious topic. Doesn't that make sense?

Typically, posts in my journals are done in a sort of humorous lecturing style. In many ways, the way I post in my journal is very similar to both the way I speak and the way I post on message boards.

First, and foremost, I am very true to myself. You will NEVER see me post anything anonymously. This has gone so far to the point that I even usually try to make sure that along with the name Tolarin Skylar, I try to make sure people know my real name: James Pickens. If you look to the right, you'll see some pretty accurate real life information of mine. Where I live, how old I am, and my real name. I want people to be sure of who I am. This is one part ego, one part accuracy for you folks. You could never really mistake another Tolarin for me... *laughs*

The other thing you will notice in my journal is that I post very similar to how I post in a message board. I usually talk about how things went, and keep most of my private life out of this, much like one would do on a message board for the most part. Why?

Becuase in many ways, this is like the Message Board of James Pickens. Often you will hear me refer to these journals as the Public Message Boards of certain people. And for the most part, they are absoloutly public. Almost everyone on here posted on the Ushicon Message Board the URL to their journals. And for those of us who didn't (Read: Myself), we are linked or activily refered to in each others journals.

Thus, when I hear the idea that "I post what I feel becuase it's my journal." I can't help but laugh. This is not some private diary of yours. This is a spot on the wide open internet where pretty much anyone can read it if they so choose.

So, I see across the board of my friends through their journals various posts discussing the events that occured nights ago, discussing individual people's "faults", and so on. Things that should best be left discussed between us, not posted online so anyone and everyone can read, see, and decide who's side they want to take.

So, as I watch this all sort of burn around me, I've decided that it's time I live up to my idea of being very true to myself.

It's often thought that I leave people out or don't pay enough attention to them, or whatnot... and there is some truth to it. In all honesty, I am closer to Levi, Mint, and Mark. And in many ways, it's not hard to see why either. If you are reading my journal, you are undoubtlbly reading their journals... and if that's the case, you all should know that I had a crush on both Mint and Mark. And there has been alot that has happened between us. Of course, you can't leave Levi out of that for the obvious reasons as well.

I do value my friends greatly, and I deeply care and love them. A lot happens between the three of us. I don't mean in the realm of arguements or debates, drama, or whatnot... we do hang out a great deal, and I connect with them in ways that I don't connect with others.

Mint is a very cute young woman, who I find a pleasure to talk to, my drinking buddy, and the other half of Team Sugoi. (On that note, two things to note on why folks can't join Team Sugoi. One: Originally, it's becuase I had a crush on her. This isn't really news, folks. Two: You can't really have any more then two people on a team in Naruto 3. It's also mainly a constant joke. Originally, becuase we sucked... and then becuase of our tendency to say Sugoi over and over agian.)

In Levi's case, Levi was someone I got along with since our first Park and Pizza encounter. There were many times during Ushicon that it was Mint, Levi, and myself wandering around. There are many ways that Levi and I can relate. You know? He's pretty fun and pretty understanding of things. He can be a bit of an ass, but of all people, who am I to complain about that? Further more, his assness is something I can laugh at...

Mark of course, is among many things... one of my best friends, someone who I can talk with for a good long time, and a damn good guy as well. Further more, as most people know, he's also the first guy I've ever felt I could care for in a relationship sort of sense. My crushes and what not for people are very serious to me.

The one night, where I kind of broke down was becuase the conflict between my feelings for these three people really got to me. I never want to hurt those that I care for. Levi is a good friend of mine, who I could hurt becuase I liked Mint. Mint was of course a good friend of mine, who I didn't want to hurt or trouble (But at the same time, in not being true to myself, I felt that I was being awkward towards her... and thus, troubling her as it was.) And Mark I didn't want to feel as a sort of "fall back" or "while I'm lonely" sort of relationship. I will NEVER do that. I don't believe in it.

So, yes, I've had my troubles lately when it came to them. But it also made our ties stronger. The four of us are damn good friends becuase we work out our problems, and try our best to move on.

That's not to say we don't have our occasional problems. We all do.

Everyone os us will have our ups and downs. This is how life is. Free will gives us the awesome ability to try and improve our lives. At the same time, almost always, somewhere down the line... improving your life will impede someone elses. We cannot all be "truly happy" at once. Instead, we must find our happiness as it comes to us.

In being friends with these three, I find much happiness. But it's not limited to these three. I find happiness with all of you. However, the closeness I feel towards the aforementioned three is very strong, and for damn good reasons, I would think. Much like I believe the closeness between certain people are.

I do not believe in factions or sides. I will admit, however, that I do favor Mark, Levi, and/or Mint in cases, but this is becuase I act upon how I feel. I believe all of us do.

This is something that can't be avoided. That's not to say that I don't hold value in everyone else as friends. There are times I enjoy hanging out with many of you. Newbeh and Eric both share much in common with me. Zappa and Tala are people that I do enjoy to talk to, if I don't talk all the time... it's becuase I'm very lazy online... even Mark has to deal with my online laziness...

At the same time, I will be very true to myself. I have my faults, but I deal with them my way. I'm not saying that this is a case of my way or the highway, I don't believe in that... but I do believe in working out my problems in my fashion. Mint and I were having trouble on Friday night becuase I was being a kind of stubborn ass, but we cleared that up. And there are many times when I try to ensure that you are a happy person Alora.

I just don't believe in posting it in my journal. I believe in taking action, and solving my problems on my own. The problem I see in posting things like this online, is invariably, it makes people who aren't involved basically have to choose who they are going to support in these cases.

This of course, is true even for this post. This post essentially is to try and make people understand how I see things. This wouldn't be much different from "rallying people to my side". Of course, I will say "Please, don't take my side" or "this matter is between us." But the moment I say a word on here, I am neither being neutral nor making this a private matter.

So, instead, I am trying to allow you the chance to get at least a glimpse of how I think about everything. Perhaps you (And by you I mean everyone in general... not just Alora or Newbeh or something like that) will have a better understanding of what I think and how I act. Perhaps not.

The honest truth is, I will be myself. Sometimes it'll be happy go lucky. Other times it'll be a rude and arrogant ass. This is my way of the ninja, much like each of us have our own ways. We either try to accept each others methods, or we part ways. This is the reality of life.

With that said, I always hope we try and look at the best of people. I try to do so with everyone. If I didn't, I wouldn't try to be anyone's friend... now would I? I try to think the best of myself, becuase if I didn't like myself, how could I truly like anyone else? And I try to look for the best in life, becuase if I didn't, how would I ever find it?

That's my long spiel for today. Expect something crazy about Guild Wars or L5R tommorow!

Ja ne!

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