Tuesday, December 6, 2005

I'm back and better than ever!
I'm baaaaaaaaaack! And guess what? I've got a new fanfic! But alas, I've gone from the uncanny topic of "Action/Adventure" to...a humor fic! This is also on display at fanfiction.net! So here's chapter 1 of "The Shadow of the Past", the fanfic that has absolutely nothing to do with its title!

This story was written by Sofaspud23
SPOILERS (Well, sort of, but you won’t understand half as much of this half as much as you should like if you’re only half past half of the final dungeon)
First off, since a lot of other authors think it’s necessary, I do not own any of the characters, companies, levels, music, or anything else in this fanfic unless otherwise noted at the end of each chapter. In which case, you‘ll need to contact me if you want to use them in your fanfic. (I fail to see the point of this, because I don’t really care if someone else puts my stuff in their fanfics but hey, whatever!) Yay!!! I’m the narrator!
Chapter 1: Of the Prologue, Zelos’ Birthday, and Gnome’s Uncanny Ability to Annoy Anyone on the Planet. The G.U.A.T.A.A.O.T.P. for short.
Sofaspud23: Once Mithos has been defeated, and the two worlds have been reunited, Lloyd and Sheena go on a journey to collect and destroy all of the exspheres. Then, they took a really long nap. I mean a really long nap. We’re talking sleeping beauty sized naps! So after a week of slumber, they got married. It was more complicated than that, but I won’t bore you with the details. So they get married, Colette tries to murder Sheena but misses and falls out of Derris-Kharlan. Presea catches the bouquet, and Sheena shoves Zelos off of the comet. And thus, Colette and Zelos started a club that plotted ways to murder Lloyd and Sheena. I’ll just let the rest explain itself.
Sheena: So remind me again why we’re going to Zelos’ mansion?
Lloyd: It’s his birthday, remember?
Sheena: Oh, right. Didn’t I shove him off of Derris-Kharlan?
Lloyd: Colette saved him.
Sheena: But didn’t she fall off after she tried to murder me?
Lloyd: No, she flew back up.
Sheena: Dammit.
Sofaspud23: They arrive at Zelos’ mansion and see everyone there, plus about a thousand people they didn’t know.
Sheena: Did this place get bigger or something?
Lloyd: Looks like it.
Zelos: Ah, the voluptuous--
Lloyd: *Points sword at Zelos’ neck* One more word, Zelos...
Zelos: Oh. Right. I forgot you two were married.
Lloyd: You’re pushing it, Zelos! You’re really pushing it!
Zelos: Hey, don’t get mad, Lloyd! If I’m dead, you won’t be able to taste the 5,000 different cakes I had brought over here. A different chef made each one.
Lloyd: Not bad, Zelos. Just don’t flirt with Sheena. If you do, then you’re dead. And I mean that literally.
Zelos: Sure you do.
Lloyd: *takes a bite out of the nearest cake* Blech! This one’s spicy! This is the worst cake I’ve ever tasted! Who made this thing?
Raine: *Was standing behind Lloyd the whole time* I did. You were saying? *Raises her hand, ready to strike*
Lloyd: I, uh, was saying that it was the best cake I’ve ever tasted in my life! It’s-*gag*-so-*cough*-unique and...
Raine: *slaps Lloyd and knocks him out*
Sheena: Oh, no you didn’t! I call upon the servant of Mother Earth! I summon thee! Come, Gnome!
Gnome: Whaddaya want?
Sheena: Raine has something she wants to tell you.
Gnome: Woohoo! What is it, Raine? Ooh, ooh! Let me guess! Uhm...fire truck! No, that’s not it...race car! Cheese grater! Cinnamon! Angel Fruit Cake! Apple Butter! 971,034,467! Toilet Seat! Rockefeller Center!
Sheena: Now Gnome will annoy you to death! There is no escape! That’s what you get for hurting Lloyd! And by the way, what the heck is a Rockefeller Center?
Gnome: I dunno. If there was a place in the middle of a city called New York City in a state called New York in a country called the United States on a continent called North America on a planet called Earth, then I’d name it that.
Sheena: Tch, like that exists anywhere. That reminds me, the other day someone asked me if it was nice in Tokyo. What’s Tokyo, anyway?
Gnome: Hmm...if there was city in a country called Japan, on continent called Asia, on a---
Raine: Okay, I’ll heal him! Just please get Gnome to shut up! First Aid!
Lloyd: *wakes up* Wha? All I remember is tasting the worst cake ever, and then everything went black.
Raine: *Arm twitches*
Genis: Hey, Raine! I was wondering if---
Raine: *Smacks Genis, who was luckily carrying a Resurrection Ring with him at the time and came back to life.*
Genis: Oww, what was that for?
Raine: Lloyd.
Genis: I guess I’m better off not knowing.
Colette: *Walks up to Zelos* Do you think they know we poisoned their cake?
Zelos: If you say it that loud, then yes!
Colette: Hey look, cake! *Tries to grab a piece but is restrained by Zelos*
Zelos: It’s poisoned, remember?
Colette: Oh yeah, that’s right. Hey look, cake!
Zelos: *sigh* What did I do to deserve this? And hey, if I kill Lloyd and you kill Sheena, then they’ll both be dead and we won’t be able force them to marry us. So what’ll happen then?
Colette: I don’t know. Hey look, there’s cake!
Zelos: Why do I bother asking you?
Regal: Hello. May I ask what you two are talking about?
Zelos: Nothing.
Colette: We were just wondering if anyone had figured out that we’d poisoned the cake!
Regal: *bewildered stare*
Colette: *takes a bite out of the cake and collapses*
Regal: So the cake’s...
Zelos: NOT poisoned! She’s practicing for a musical called, “We Were Just Wondering if Anyone had Figured Out That We’d Poisoned the Cake” She plays the first person to eat the cake, so she has to practice fainting. Excuse us. Healing Wind!
Regal: *Walks away, confused*
Zelos: What were you thinking? You almost told Regal we poisoned the cake!
Colette: Ooh, there’s cake?
Zelos: Never mind...
Sofaspud23: Then, an hour later, with everyone still alive and kicking because they had avoided the cake once Raine mysteriously sprinkled something on one of them, the group gave Zelos their presents. They are as follows:
Lloyd-A treasure map (It actually led to the lair of a violent demonic banshee, but Zelos didn‘t now that).
Sheena-A pet dragon that was, unbeknownst to Zelos, trained to destroy anything obnoxious.
Colette-Some cake from the other room.
Genis-Cookies with nuts he knew Zelos was allergic to that just happened to fall into the dough.
Raine-A book called: “Pickup Lines for Dummies”.
Presea-A carving of a bear with fish in its mouth. (The fish looked strangely like Zelos)
Regal-The most annoying one-man-band in the world. (He follows you around and plays music depending on your mood. He was currently singing “99 Bottles of Beer on The Wall” and kept losing count of how many beers were actually left on the wall and starting over)
Zelos-A new summer home (You have to treat yourself too, right?).
Sofaspud23-A girlfriend.
Zelos: Wahoo! I get a girlfriend!
Sofaspud23: Not until later in the story. Dammit! I just gave away a hint about what‘s going to happen...see what you made me do? Now I won’t give you a girlfriend!
Zelos: Please! I beg you!
Sofaspud23: Okay, why not? But one wrong move and...
Zelos: Thank you so much! Could you make her a brunette? I have a thing for brunettes. I bet you didn’t know that!
Sofaspud23: Of course I knew that, I just wrote it!
Zelos: Riiiight.
Sofaspud23: Just go back into the story.
Zelos: Hehehehehehe. Roger!
Sofaspud23: And don’t laugh like that.
Zelos: Whatever you say, bud! *Goes into story*
Sofaspud23: Idiot. At any rate, let’s go on with the story. Sheena and Lloyd have wandered off to the side of the cake wheel that Raine wasn’t standing near.
Sheena: Hey, this one looks good!
Lloyd: What kind is it?
Sheena: It’s tomato, Lloyd! Your favorite!
Lloyd: Eww! No!
Sheena: That was sarcasm, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Oh. Uh, yeah! I was...being sarcastic, too!
Sheena: *Sigh* Of course you were.
Lloyd: ???
Sheena: Sarcasm.
Lloyd: Right!
Sheena: I think I’ll try some of this chocolate cake over here.
Colette: *hiding under the table* Yes! Soon you will die and Lloyd will be mine! Muahahahahaha!!!
Sheena: Did you hear something.
Lloyd: Nope.
Sheena: Oh well. *Starts to take a bite, but half of the building is destroyed before she can, and she is so startled she drops the cake* What the heck was that?!?!
Colette: Hey look, cake! *Eats it and falls over unconscious*
Lloyd: Was Colette down there the whole time?
Sheena: We’ve got bigger problems, look!
Lloyd: Whoa...
Sofaspud23: And that’s where the chapter ends! But before we leave, let’s take a look at what everybody is thinking!
Lloyd-This guy’s as good as dead!
Sheena-I hope it eats Zelos.
Colette-Why is peanut butter called “butter”? I can’t believe it’s not butter! Hey look, cake!
Genis-Maybe it’ll eat Raine’s cake and die...
Raine-What a wondrous sample! I must examine it!
Presea-That sort of looks like Colette from this angle... (grimaces)
Regal-Even without my shackles, I shall make you pay!
Zelos-Eat Lloyd! Eat Lloyd!
Kratos-Oh no! This is terrible! My tea has too much sugar in it! I live a hard life on Derris-Kharlan...
Sofaspud23: Have our heroes met their match? Will Colette ever become smart? And perhaps the most important question of all, will Kratos be able to make another glass of tea and sweeten it to perfection before his crumpets get cold? Find out in the next exciting chapter of "The Shadow of the Past"


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