Thursday, December 21, 2006

My Animal Crossing Cast
Last night, Alan showed me this lovely thing. Truth be told, I'd actually forgotten that an animated film based on Animal Crossing (you can read more about the movie right here, btw), and I don't know that I'd really be interested in seeing it. However, talk soon turned to who would be the best voice actor to portray Mr. Resetti were this picture to be dubbed and brought stateside. We decided that Samuel L. Jackson would play Mr. Resetti, and then we proceeded on a tangent regarding the hilarious shift in personality that Resetti would undergo with Sam Jackson providing his voice (though, really, it wouldn't be that big a shift).

That conversation got me to thinking a little bit more this morning about who would play the other characters in my ideal version of Animal Crossing. I haven't thought everything through completely, but I have a rough idea of who I'd like to employ for some of the characters. Here they are:

Mr. Resetti played by Samuel L. Jackson: Mr. Resetti is one mean motherfucker. You know it, and I know it. One tiny reset sends the little guy flying off the handle in ways you or I could not possibly imagine; otherwise, he seems to be an okay guy, if a bit unstable at times due to a life spent underground with the rest of the mole people. But you always have to be wary of that pickax. Always, no matter how cool he is. Seems to me that Sam Jackson would be able to nail that no problem: You don't mess with him, he doesn't mess with you. However, if you start getting an itchy reset finger, he'll fuck you up something fierce.

Alternately, he could also be played by Ving Rhames, if only so that I could hear the line, "In the fifth reset, your ass goes down."

Tom Nook played by Joe Mantegna: Tom Nook is a punk. Not only that, but I'm convinced that he has deep connections that run in all of the seedy parts of town. The guy practically owns you from the beginning; he dangles your mortgage above your head, and when you're finished paying that off, he conveniently shows up to guilt you into buying new additions to your home. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if Nook had his hands in the Happy Room Academy just to make it easier for him to destroy your already low opinion of your homemaking skills. How else would he get rid of all of that space-related crap if he didn't have some geek desperate to make a themed home?

And don't even get me started on his stores! As far as I can see, the player is Nook's only customer, so how the hell can he upgrade so quickly? If I'm barely rich enough to keep up on my mortgage, that furry bastard shouldn't be building a damn department store and poncing around in a new suit with his two annoying brats, who, by the way, appear to be ACHING to take over for daddy.

There's only one explanation, people: Mob ties. That's why only Fat Tony himself is good enough to play Nook. Al Pacino might also be a decent substitute, but, to my knowledge, there are no mountains of cocaine in Animal Crossing. Then again, there's always Action Replay.

Mayor Tortimer played by The Guy Who Voiced Mr. Turtle from the Tootsie Roll Pop Commercials Whose Name I Can't Recall At the Moment: Just imagine Mr. Turtle with a spiffy hat and you basically have Tortimer. Plus, it wouldn't even matter if the guy is dead - if the main character asks Tortimer a question, just have him mutter, "Ask, Mr. Owl" and we're off to see Blathers! It's foolproof! Well, unless a big drawing point of the film is the scene where the main character is introduced to Tortimer and the various holidays where Tortimer gives stuff away. Then, uh, not so much. But we're not in the business to give fanboys something to whack it to, so fuck 'em.

Crazy Redd played by Someone Other than Steve Buscemi: Fuck, I keep trying to think of somebody else, but my mind keeps flashing back to Steve Buscemi. I think it's because he's playing Templeton in the live-action version of Charlotte's Web. Plus he sort of looks like a sneaky little guy, and he has a track record for hoarding tons of crap (see: Ghost World and his role as Templeton). Also, he doesn't like to tip, and I doubt that Crazy Redd is fond of tipping either. Anyway. Okay, how about Steve Busc-- damn it. Uh, Steve Bu-- fuck. Ste-- son of a BITCH.

Okay, Buscemi. You win. You get the part. Asshole.

K.K. Slider played by David Bowie: Any excuse to get Bowie into a film. Just imagine him waltzing into a cafe, taking a rest onstage, and busting out his version of "K.K. Rock." You can't resist that, can you? Of course not, you weak-willed invertebrates! You are all like putty in Bowie's sensual hands. Those firm, sensual hands that have nothing to do with his voice...

...nothing to see here.

Wendell the Walrus played by Paul McCartney: Because Paul is the walrus.

Those are just a few ideas. Do you lovely viewers have any ideas of your own?
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