Friday, February 18, 2005

Moseley
I did nothing at all today. It was quite fun. Mostly watched Futurama, read a bit, did some homework for classes, and lazed around. All of it amounts to nothing, I think.

My brother got chased around by this stupid dog earlier today. He's not very fond of dogs, or anything that can jump on him at all, really, so it kind of spooked him. And then the damn thing tried to run into our house when my brother went back inside, and when my dad got home and parked his car in the garage. It was kind of funny, because the dog seemed to want to get inside so badly, and then when the garage was open, it just sort of sat there in front of it. Hilarious.

I took the trash cans back to my backyard about a half hour later. When I was finished with that, the dog wandered out from the far end of the street and it saw me. I swear, it was like "O_O *runs toward Shin*" Crazy dog lol. It barely got halfway towards me before I walked back into the house.

Meh. I don't really care for dogs that much, not to rub any dog lovers the wrong way. I have a rocky relationship with dogs, they either hate me, or are obsessed with jumping on me. I don't really care for anything of a different species trying to jump on me and lick my face, or anything. Sorry all you dogs out there. I like cats more. Sure, they can be really asshole-ish, at times, but they seem to like me more. We assholes have to stick together, right?

Anyway, I'll be answering your questions now. Fear~!

Lady Kei asks: I have a friend who refuses to accept that Futurama is one of the greatest animated shows to have ever been put on television. Just how hard should I smack him to make him realize the error of his ways?

I'd say smack him as hard as you usually smack me, but that doesn't really seem like punishment enough. So, here's what you do: First, you get a pair of nice leather gloves. Doesn't matter what color. You walk up to your friend, take the glove off slowly, slap him across the face with it, and challenge him to a duel.

Then you kick his ass and show him who's boss.

Alan asks: How do I write a witty and intelligent question specifically for a Shimaru post?

First, you learn how to spell my name correctly. Second, realize that nothing you write could ever be sufficiently witty and/or intelligent enough to ask me. It's not good to get your hopes up, kid. And, lastly, you throw yourself off of the largest bridge in your area. In the event that there is no bridge close enough to you, beating yourself to death with a frying pan will suffice.

Hevn asks: Umm...can I kiss you anywhere but your ass?

I'm not stopping you. I'm fair game for all of the ladies.

*tumbleweed wearing a pink bow rolls by*


Dandy Andy asks: Bender or Flexo?

Ah yes, the very question that philosophers the world over have thought endlessly about since the beginning of time. At first they seemly oddly similar to each other, but when you get down to the nitty gritty, they couldn't be more different. For instance, Flexo has a beard, and Bender does not. Bender is evil, and Flexo is not. Flexo had wild sex with another robot in front of Bender, and Bender did not. You could go on forever pointing out the various differences between the two. It would mostly be running around in circles I guess.

Ultimately, though, I would choose Bender, because as one of the stars of a moderately popular (though godlike) cartoon, he makes more money than Flexo. And we all know that money is the number one option to consider when choosing your friends.

Lewna asks: This is an anagram of a bird. Below are the letters that you do not need. Find the missing letters and change their order, and you will find a bird. ACDFGJKNOPQSTUVXYZ Can you figure it out?

Yes, I can, as a matter of fact. It is the rare Fogjats that you are referring to. They are similar to boobies in that they both have funny names.

Chuck Rock asks: Besides me, who do you admire?

That's a tough one. I do admire your evil twin, Hell's Pool of Condensed Liquid, but I don't know if he would count here. I think that if I were to choose, there would be three people that I admire above all others:

1) Winona Ryder, because she's cute, and she's committed petty crime. What a combination.
2) David X. Cohen, for sounding geekier in just one sentence than I could ever hope to in my entire life.
3) Jabba the Hutt, for showing that ass ugly alien slugs can get hot chicks, too, you just have to enslave them, force them to live in conditions that no being should endure, and feed them to the Sarlaac when they get out of line.

So there you go. The only being that could earn all the respect and admiration I could possibly muster is a giant, fat, ugly version of David X. Cohen forcing Winona Ryder to dance in a metal bikini while she steals dresses at the Academy Awards.

Lea asks: If you were a girl for a whole 24 hours, what would you do and why?

Myself, for obvious reasons.

Panda asks: In the episode when Leela meets her parents, what was the mutant hot air balloon made from? Be specific!

It's been a while since I've seen that episode, but I believe that the mutant hot air balloon was made out of the discarded parts of Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons: The crotch of Underdog, Bart Simpson's left ear and shin, and Jon's forehead (Jon being the owner of Garfield the cat, of course).

She also asks: Will you be my smizmar?

Of course I will! I've always wanted to give birth to hundreds of little alien creatures, most of which will be eaten up by predators within the first few minutes of their life. It's like being a mother turtle, except that your children are more slimy! =D

Sarah asks: Boxers or briefs, we're dying to know.

Briefs, but there's nothing brief about what's in 'em if YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN~!

...

Yeah, nothing subtle about that at all.

She also asks: How long do you usually last in the shower?

Well, I've never really done that in the-- oh, you meant actually taking a shower, didn't you? Hm, I dunno, depends if I just want to wash up and get the hell out of there, or if I feel like wasting a bunch of hot water. I'd say 15-30 minutes is about right.

She also asks: Would you donate sperm?

Eh...probably not. I've never really thought about it before, and I'd guess that I'd never do it. Unless I was really drunk, or something, like so...

"DUD I'M REALLY HAMMERED LOL"

"Man, do you see that sperm bank over there? Go sperm it up!"

"OKAY1!111!!!1!1"

Sweet Zombie Jesus, stop with the questions already Yet another question: Do you want a lot of granchildren?

Yeah, I think that would be nice. A guy needs a lot of spare organs to depend on when he grows old. Also, they can run around, and be optimistic, and I can destroy their dreams with my ceaseless cynicism~! I will be more cynical and bitter since Social Security will be dead, and either the Republicans or the Democrats (or possibly both) will have undoubtedly fucked things up even more by then. Yay for the two-party system!!

(By the way, I think that Social Security is already pretty screwed up, but it'll get worse. Oh, much worse.)

Shinji asks: From the prespective of a Tennis Ball, what would it's first impressions be of you?

"Man, he's got some hairy legs...oh god, don't hit me! *dies*"

Johnny Deformed asks: What's up?

Nothing much. How 'bout wit you, bro?

Godel asks: Hmm...how about, if every one thought you were a girl for 24 hours?

I'd finally know what it is like to be desired! Unless I were an ugly girl with a mustache and hairy legs or something, then that would be just freaky. However, if I were pretty, I'd use this newfound power to take over the world. And I would also wear a nice dress.

She also asks: I mean, would you end up going to Azure for advice, or what?

That pansy-ass girly? Hell no.

Lastly, abc kid asks: Is this world called life a bit complex but interesting at the same time?

Complex? No, not unless you make it complex, then it gets really complex. Interesting? Yes, I'd say so. At the same time? OVERLOAD OF CONCEPTS

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YOU WATCHED IT - YOU CAN'T UN-WATCH IT!

COME BACK NEXT TIME FOR MORE: TALES OF INTEREST QUESTIONS (and answers) OF INTEREST~!
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