Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Lieutenant Dan got me invested in some kind of fruit company.
Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I went to my uncle's house and had a decent time, but that's about it. I did watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit for the first time in a long while, though. The movie is still incredibly fun to watch, and I am lame for continually neglecting to list it among my favorite movies. Eddie Valiant's song and dance near the end of the movie is more than enough to grant it entry into my list of favorite movies - it's so great that it's enough to make me forget about the Super Mario Bros. movie that Mr. Hoskins starred in.

After we got home, my siblings and I competed in a movie trivia game against our parents (the game is called Shout About Movies, and it's way more expensive than it should be, but it's still fun). Quotes, scenes, and random bits of trivia were all there for us to identify (for example, it was the dorkiest recesses of my mind that knew that Psycho was the first American movie to show a flushing toilet onscreen). The game was close the entire time, until my siblings and I bet all of our points on the last question and got it wrong. Our parents beat our asses 90-0, but oh well, the game was still really fun.

Spring Quarter started up today for me. Both classes I had today were decent enough. My Advocacy and Argument professor is ultra-enthusiastic, and he's kind of scary. He also looks eerily like Bruce Vilanch, which made it all seem even weirder. Furthermore, for some reason, he was practically telling us his life story all through the class. He got up to the part of his life where he was selling (legal) drugs in a pharmacy. We did maybe fifteen minutes of actual work lol. Oh well, I'm not complaining, it's not as if I woke up this morning thinking "Gee, I hope that we have a lot of work to do in class today :D".

After class I went to the library. Yeah, I'm very forgiving when it comes to library-related mistakes. They let me check out books and movies for free (until they decide to randomly charge me $5, that is)!! Playing Shout About Movies once again reminded me that there are about one jillion movies that I need to see, so I rummaged through the library's video section for some movies. I checked out Apocalypse Now, Breakfast At Tiffany's, and Chinatown. I've seen Breakfast At Tiffany's once (though not the whole movie) and I've never seen the other two movies, but I have plenty of assurance that they are great films. Yay for movies.

There was a long line for checkouts at the library, so I had about five minutes to hustle over to my next class, Introduction to Modern Fiction, by the time I was finished checking out my movies. I don't know what time it was when I made it into class, but for dramatic effect I'll assume that I only had seconds to spare before I was late for class.

My professor is hilarious because he's like the Asian version of Ben Stein in every movie and television appearance that he's ever made in his life. He has the same stare, he speaks in the same monotone voice, and he makes me laugh to myself. He's Ben Stein's Asian cousin, I tell you!! I'm lucky that this is a fiction class, and therefore is incapable of ever boring me.

I already have to do a big assignment for the class, though. We're supposed to do a four-page literary critique (as in how the narrative establishes its message through themes, setting, characters, etc.) and a presentation on one of the short stories in our textbook. I chose to do mine on John Steinbeck's "The Chrysanthemums". I wanted to do it on William Faulkner's "A Rose For Emily", but it wasn't on the list of stories that we could choose from. Lame. Oh well, I've got a little over two weeks to become acquainted with "The Chrysanthemums" and critique the hell out of it. Fear me, Steinbeck!!

Earlier I mentioned that there are about a jillion movies I haven't seen. Forrest Gump was one of those movies, and my dad got me to watch it when he got home. Forrest Gump is one of my dad's favorite movies, and Shout About Movies was rife with Forrest Gump references, so it's been on my dad's mind lately. Forrest Gump was one of those movies that I always meant to watch, but for one reason or another I never got around to doing so. There are many, many other movies just like that for me lol.

Anyway, Forrest Gump was awesome. I'm a sucker for movies that can be both hilarious and touching without being too corny (the movie's a bit corny and preachy, at times, though it's not too bad, I think). I also think that Forrest has officially become one of my favorite movie characters, no joke. Forrest Gump is my hero. Plus, any movie that can have like a million scenes with product placement and not make me vomit in disgust has to be commended (unlike Spider-Man and the Dr. Pepper, though it would've been hilarious if Tobey McGuire had looked over at the camera and winked after he grabbed the soda).

And, now, I leave.

EDIT: According to Sennen: THE FUNNIEST THREAD EVER.
Comments (16) | Permalink

Sunday, March 27, 2005

My name is Agnes and you know it!
I'm always both incredibly happy and depressed when I watch Simpsons re-runs on Fox. In its heyday, The Simpsons was maybe the funniest show I've ever seen in my life - I don't think I ever saw a bad episode for about seven or eight straight years, which is incredibly impressive. Now...well, it's nowhere near that. The shows are good for the occasional chuckle, but when watching old Simpsons episodes has me rolling on the ground with laughter.

Tonight were the episodes where Homer and Mel Gibson remake Mr. Smith Goes to Washington and where Marge gets a pretzel franchise. Of the two, I barely prefer the pretzel franchise episode because I love Fat Tony. And I also love the Yakuza. What do you get when you put together the Mafia and the Yakuza? A great fight scene!

Anyway, I'm going to do Shinmaru vs. The World tonight, because I'll be at my uncle's house for Easter and I'll be getting back late (for me). You get it a day early, be happy!!

First article can be read here.

Pennsylvania Teen High School Hideaway Discovered

One down, five-hundred and twenty-seven to go...

School officials have discovered a secret hideaway at Bentworth High School, in the small coal-patch town of Bentleyville, Pennsylvania.

Who wouldn't want to live in a place called Bentleyville? You probably have to drive a Bentley to live there, though.

The secret room was behind a hallway hatch used to access pipes. Inside, officials found marijuana roaches, candles, and a disposable camera with pictures of a boy bound with duct tape and a girl flashing her breasts.

How romantic. I bet the candles really add to the mood.

Police say no crimes were committed but at least ten students have been disciplined. However, some parents think officials aren't taking the secret hideaway seriously enough.

They took it seriously enough to take it for their own...

Kay Keen, a former PTA vice president, says those sorts of things shouldn't be happening in a school.

Too bad nobody cares what you think, Keen! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!

---

Second story can be read here.

Court document details complaint against fortune teller

Ms. Cleo? Wait, she worked with tarot cards. Sorry, it's tough to tell one sham from the next.

A palm reader urged a client to turn over thousands of dollars in order to be “cleansed” of “negative energy” interfering with the person’s ability to have children, city police said in a court document filed Friday.

"And once you have the children all of your negative energy will be crying in cribs and crapping in diapers!"

It’s part of an ongoing investigation into members of a family that ran Mrs. Diamond Astrology, a fortune-telling parlor at 4214 E. Little Creek Road. Three family members have been charged in the investigation: Nancy Marks, 54, and her son, David, 34, who are both in custody, and her daughter, Peaches, 33, who was being sought.

Boy, I hope they could have foretold all of the crap their daughter would catch for being named Peaches. Yikes.

Charges against another person are looming, according to the papers filed Friday, which also gave the most detailed public complaint to date about the operation.

I thought that fortune tellers worked alone, but I guess that I was wrong.

The document, a police officer’s affidavit for a warrant to search a Marks family member’s Jeep Cherokee, says a person went to Mrs. Diamond Astrology in December and paid $10 for a palm reading by a woman who said she was named Paula.

"Aren't you Paula Abdul?"

"No, I'm not desperate for money and attention >_>"

Paula told the client – who was not identified in the document – that “negative energy” was causing problems with the person’s personal relationships. Even the person’s ability to have children was said to be affected.

"What negative energy?"

"I'm sensing that you're an asshole, and that's why you can't hold a relationship."

"Fuck off, asswipe!"

Paula said that for $300, the “negativity” could be removed. After the person left, Paula phoned regularly. At a subsequent session, Paula warned that a curse had been placed on the person, and convinced the person that $2,600 was needed to remove it.

"Er, can you take my first newborn child instead?"

"Don't try to fool me, I can see right through you."

"Drat."

Paula said she would place the $2,600 in a tabernacle to assist in removing the “negativity,” then return it.

"Dear god of scams - will this idiot give me more money, or would I be pushing my luck too far?"

But when the person asked for the money back, Paula made excuses. The person asked for it at least 20 times.

"Jesus stole your money."

Shown an array of photos, the person identified “Paula” as Bonnie Marks, 34. The affidavit says she is David Marks’ wife. It says she has an alias, Bonnie Powers, and uses two Social Security numbers.

Whoa, she's like Sydney Bristow, except not very good looking at all! Plus, she got caught.

It further says Nancy Marks is under investigation for using an “alias Social Security number” to get a Virginia license.

She must've pulled some serious strings to get past the guys who give out fortune telling licenses.

Bonnie Marks has not been charged, a police spokesman said Friday. The warrant says indictments naming her are being prepared.

"And they'll be read by Johnny Carson, who predicted all of our charges on an episode of The Tonight Show twenty years ago."

Nobody answered the doorbell at Mrs. Diamond Astrology late Friday afternoon. Legal papers delivered by the sheriff’s department hung from the front door. A man who answered a telephone for the business referred a caller to a lawyer, who was unavailable Friday evening.

Too busy getting rid of his negativity, I bet...

---

Third article can be read here.

Sorority Kicked Out Of City Museum For Public Drunkenness

*yawn*

A sorority party ended abruptly when several members allegedly got drunk and passed out in front of several young children.

...now there's a group of girls you can be proud of!

It happened at the City Museum Friday night at the annual formal dance, hosted by the Alpha Phi sorority.

Who hosts a dance at a museum? That's just asking for trouble.

The Washington University chapter of Alpha Phi will not face sanctions at this time. But everyone involved describes what happened as a very bad situation.

"Someone urinated on a replica of a replica of a Degas painting!"

The cash bar was reserved for those 21 and older, but City Museum officials say several sorority members, some under-age, and their dates were intoxicated when they arrived at 8:00 p.m.

Hey, getting drunk before the festivities start! What a stroke of originality.

One girl reportedly passed out in front of a group of Girl Scouts and their chaperones. Some were seen vomiting in nearby trash cans.

That one girl screamed "This is your future!!" before she passed out.

Museum officials kicked the sorority out at 11:00 p.m., one hour ahead of schedule.

The Girl Scouts twisted their arms.

Calls were then made to Washington University.

Drunken calls.

Karin Johnes, with the Greek Life office at Washington University, says Alpha Phi will be monitored to make sure it follows it's own sanctions. The sorority has also offered to do community service at the museum.

I bet that the museum is really looking forward to that.

---

Last article can be read here.

Drunk Driving Suspect Nabbed at Drive-Thru

He went to fast food willingly, which was how they were able to tell that the guy was drunk.

A yearning for breakfast helped city police end a "low speed" chase of a drunken driving suspect. Jeffery Lynn Drinnon, 30, was arrested at the drive-through lane of a Hardee's restaurant about 5 a.m. Tuesday.

"Does anyone here have an aspirin???"

"...we have hash browns..."

Police began chasing Drinnon after a market reported he drove away without paying for $7 of gasoline. Officers said they used blue lights and sirens to try to get Drinnon to pull over but he kept going until he saw the restaurant.

"Man, I wonder who they're chasing...ooh, Hardee's!"

"He turned into Hardee's, pulls up to the drive-through and rolls the window down like he's going to order a biscuit before he goes to jail," Mount Carmel Assistant Police Chief Mike Campbell said. "They had the car surrounded with guns drawn at the drive-through at Hardee's, and he's wanting breakfast."

Well, yeah, have you ever tasted jail food?

The assistant chief said the suspect, who has a history of drunken driving convictions, was obviously intoxicated as he argued that he was really in Kingsport, 6 miles to the southeast.

"Plus, he was yelling something about freedom fries."

"He was the drunkest (driver) I've seen in a long time," Campbell said.

"With the possible exception of Nick Nolte."

Drinnon was charged with driving under the influence, driving on a revoked license, evading arrest, resisting arrest and theft under $500.

But at least he got breakfast!

He was taken into custody before he could place his order.

...or not.
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Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Phil came in, right? Strummed out this tune, yeah? And I said 'That's a number one record'.
So far the highlight of my Spring Break has been me sitting around and doing nothing. How awesome is that? I like days where I can just laze around and vegetate. I might do something tomorrow, though. I guess I'll write, or something. Who knows? I've got five days to do whatever the hell I want, and then it'll be back to the books. Feel the excitement.

Nothing much to report today. Today was the deadline for grades, and I was able to see my grades online. I got straight A's for the first time in my life. Go me. The only blight on my school record, and I have now conquered it. No longer can random people point at me and say "Oh, he's definitely smart...but has he ever gotten straight A's? No!" Shove it, bastards!! But now I have absolutely nothing to motivate me anymore - I have reached the point of no motivation. Having no motivation rocks!

That straight A business is kind of funny, though. The only time I ever came close to it before that was in elementary school, when I was in my "Must get good grades for no reason at all!!1!!!" mode. The teachers were real bastards back then, because they'd trick you into thinking you got straight A's, but then they'd slip in a B+ at the very end of the report card. I'd be like "A, A, A, A, A-, A ... B+?! Noooo!!!!!" Then I guess my head would explode, or something, because that impossible dream was all that I had. I was also a loser.

The B+ would always be in Art, too, because I've never been good at drawing. Looking back on it, I was lucky to get those B+'s; hell, they were all pity B+'s. I bet even now there are a million elementary schoolers who could draw circles around me - perfectly rendered circles, even! But, of course, I didn't care about that, since I was too busy saying "WTF?" and acting like a dork. I'm surprised that I never got beaten up or anything. I guess the other kids were too busy acting like lamers, too.

Middle school, well, I didn't give two craps about anything in middle school. I don't think I ever got higher than a low 3.0 GPA there. I think that was just in sixth grade, too. I think I 'graduated' (a pretty farcical graduation ceremony, really) with a 2.83. I think that deciding to coast through middle school was the only smart thing I did there. Nobody gives a shit about middle school, right? Exactly.

And high school was where math and science got hard and I had to take those classes, so no luck there. Oh well, I was too busy getting bitchslapped with work by every teacher under the sun to care about that, anyway.I was also too busy cursing the frequent school rallies. Finding stuff to hate is so much easier than caring about grades.

And now, college. I kind of have to care about grades by default because, uh ... people like grades? I don't know. I do know that it was gratifying for a couple of minutes, and then I went back to doing nothing. Shows where my priorities are, I guess.

A few days ago I got an e-mail about some fine that I apparently had on my library account at the school. I checked out One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest (great movie, by the way) and I returned it about a week and a half ago, but I guess something happened with the library and I had a $5 fine for the video on my account. I won't stand for that, of course (it's $5 that could be spent somewhere else, after all), so I sent an e-mail to the library on Friday.

I hadn't gotten an answer, so I sent another e-mail today, because while I'm sitting around and doing nothing, that fine is growing more and more. I'm damn sure not dealing with any fine when I get back to school. I don't like writing e-mails because I always sound stupid in them. So, I try to make this as short as possible - it basically boiled down to "Hey, I complained about this fine last time - get to it, ARGH!!1!!11!111!1111" except written slightly better, and with a few less ones.

I would rather have not resorted to e-mail (because I don't like e-mail), but the only other option is the phone...and I like the phone even less than e-mail. I'm not going to drive twenty minutes to a library to sort out a $5 fine, either, no matter how much I like my $5. So, whatever, I send my dumb e-mail, and I get a response a couple of hours later - the fine has been stricken from the record! Success!

And then I go back to doing nothing.

So, what have we learned today?

1) The phone still sucks.

2) Libraries can be mean even if you use them a lot.

3) Only losers celebrate straight A's.

4) I'm a loser.

and

5) Middle school sucks.

Plus, I'm good at stretching out posts about inane everyday events! Woo, yeah, brother!!

EDIT: It's also raining like crazy again, and it's thundering pretty hard, as well. Reminds of last year when I was talking to my English teacher; there was a really big storm going on, rain hitting the building like crazy, and then the thunder comes and starts shaking the classroom. It was kind of scary. The windows sounded like they would explode or something. And I also got really wet, too.

This time, however, I am in the house, so I can enjoy the rain. Sucks to be anyone who actually does stuff today. Who does crap on vacations? You freaks. Vacations are all about sitting around and doing jack shit all day long.
Comments (19) | Permalink

Monday, March 21, 2005

Present Day. Present Time.
I recently bought Yoshi's Touch and Go for the Nintendo DS. I'd been looking forward to the game for a while, because it seemed pretty interesting from the previews that I've read for it. The game is very addicting, though I had a bit of a time playing it at first. I think it's because I suck at every game for the DS, I don't know.

It's interesting how simple games can quite often be the most addicting. You don't really do that much in the game besides draw clouds to help Baby Mario and Yoshi get through levels and collect coins and whatnot. However, beating your high scores can become very addicting very quickly. I doubt that this would be a very interesting console game, but it was made for handhelds, just like Wario Ware and other games like that. It's perfect for a quick fix, but it can also sap away a bunch of your time if you let it do so.

It's a great game. Maybe I'll have a more in-depth review of it when I have the time to make one :P

I watched Serial Experiments Lain yesterday and today. My sister had got the DVD set for Christmas, but she had only watched the first five 'layers' while I hadn't watched any of the series at all. I was feeling a bit bored yesterday, so I just decided to watch it with my sister, since I'd heard good things about the series.

We ended up going through the first eight episodes before calling it a night lol. I don't know if I could have handled much more than that, since that series is a hell of a lot to absorb at one time. I'm pretty sure that I have the overall gist of the series down, but there's probably a shitload of stuff that I don't understand, haha.

Oh well. The anime is very good, at any rate. Very unique style, good animation, good writing, and all of that fun stuff that people love. If you like shows that really screw with your head, then Lain is a great show to watch. The best part is that it doesn't baby you at any point in the series, and merely provides just enough clues for you to figure things out for yourself instead of explicitly informing you of everything. I like that.

Plus, the ending isn't a total cheap cop-out, which is also good.

Speaking of which, I finally finished Dream, Dream, Dream! Ha, just kidding, no cop-out endings here, at least I hope not. Though I do think that I might have to work on it a bit, but I'm happy with the way that the story turned out. Anyway, if you have the time please read it, but if you don't have the time, it's understandable, as usual.

Anyway, it's Sunday night (for me) and you all know what that means: Shinmaru vs. The World! Yay!

First article can be read here.

A rural epidemic of teen mothers

It's not just a rural epidemic, believe me.

THE rate of unplanned teenage pregnancies is nearly seven times higher in rural areas of NSW than in cities, a study has found.

Whoa, never mind. I guess since it's the rural area they don't have very much else to do.

NSW Health's Mothers and Babies Report shows a huge gap between teenage pregnancy rates in rural and metropolitan areas.

Yeah, we just established that, unless "nearly seven times higher" doesn't seem hyperbolic enough for you.

The Hunter/New England region has one of the highest teenage birth rates in NSW - six per cent, compared to 1.6 per cent in northern Sydney and the central coast.

Man, they really have too much time on their hands.

The Hunter Valley town of Merriwa is so concerned about the high rate it has asked for emergency government funding to boost health sources and sexual education.

Boy this sounds like a great idea! That is, until you read this...

There is little support for young mothers, and Merriwa's only pharmacy refuses to stock condoms or supply the morning-after pill.

So, what are they going to do with the money, then? There's only so much you can teach kids about sex. Sooner or later you'll have to stop repressing them. Until then, more unplanned pregnancies! Hurrah!

Brianna Melehan, who was 19 when she gave birth to her daughter, Shakira, believes she wouldn't have become pregnant if she hadn't moved from the central coast to Merriwa.

Poor baby, she has to go through life named Shakira.

"I wouldn't give up my daughter for the world, but I wouldn't have had her if I was on the coast," she said.

"Because you can't get pregnant if you have sex in water!"

Ms Melehan said she asked local pharmacist Mark Smith to stock a particular contraception, but he refused.

He probably told her to make her own by skinning a squirrel or something.

"I have to go to Scone, an hour away, to get it ordered in because the pharmacy refuses to stock it," she said.

"And by then I lose all of my horny :("

Mr Smith confirmed that he did not stock condoms.

"Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson? That's the sound of inevitability. The inevitability that teens will screw like crazy and have lots of kids, Mr. Anderson."

"There are condoms available at the grocery store," he said. "I don't stock them for personal ethical reasons."

I thought pharmicists weren't supposed to have ethics...

Maternity Coalition president Justine Caines recently applied for a $300,000 grant to inform Merriwa adolescents about pregnancy.

"You're pregnant! That'll be $300,000 please."

"Teenage pregnancies are an issue and continue to be an issue," Ms Caines said.

- General political statement: Check.

"What is needed is a holistic teenage pregnancy prevention program and a supportive health service.

And condoms. Lots and lots of condoms.

"We don't have a service that addresses medical and social issues together."

Does such a service even exist? O_o

Rural Doctors Association president Dr Sue Page said country areas suffered from a lack of resources and access to birth control.

"But nobody listens to me!!"

"The services aren't on the ground like they are in the city ... and there's an enormous disparity when it comes to public health education," Dr Page said.

"Damn backwater areas."

Briony Shearman, 22, grew up in Merriwa and was pregnant with son Joseph at 17.

Congrats?

"There's not that much education or support," Ms Shearman said. "If I didn't have my family, I'd have no one."

Well, that ending came out of nowhere.

---

Second article can be read here.

Fake pill gives man a hard time

I can't imagine what this is about.

Hanoi - A Vietnamese man who took a fake tablet of the impotence drug Viagra was admitted to hospital after his erection lasted two days, doctors said Thursday.

Whoa, the fake works better than the real thing! Not that I know, or anything...

The 47-year-old man was admitted Sunday to Binh Dan Hospital in Ho Chi Minh City from nearby Vinh Long province, two days after taking the Chinese-made tablet, said a doctor from the hospital where he was treated.

Once again, Chinese medicine is proven to be superior to Western medicine!

The man bought the pill from an acquaintance for less than two dollars (R12) last Friday and took it that evening. The man did not have intercourse after taking the pill, but could not get rid of the erection, said the doctor who declined to be named.

Well, why take the pill if you're not going to take advantage of the results? Lame.

Doctors performed a minor operation to drain some blood from the man's erect penis. They were not sure what was contained in the pill since no samples were available.

The words "drain", "blood" and "penis" should never be in the same sentence together.

---

Third article can be read here.

Prisoner escapes hours before release time

Prisoners are so impatient these days.

WOODFIN – Law enforcement officers are searching tonight for a man who escaped from jail just hours before his release time.

How funny would it be to live in a town called Woodfin? There are some really bizarre town names out there.

Larry Dewayne Colvin, 31, escaped from the Buncombe Correctional Center, a minimum custody state facility in Woodfin, about 8 a.m. today, said Clifford Johnson, superintendent of the Buncombe Correctional Center.

Ha, Buncombe, what a nice name for a prison. I bet they do a lot of combing there, yep.

Colvin was transferred from Dan River Work Farm in Yanceyville Tuesday evening, Johnson said. He had been serving a four-month sentence on two misdemeanor charges.

So, he stayed almost four months and he couldn't stay another couple of hours? What a wuss!

Authorities from the correctional center, along with Woodfin police and the Buncombe County Sheriff’s Department, have been searching for Colvin throughout the day but have not had any leads, Colvin said.

Maybe he's a ninja, with the ability to disappear at will...or not.

---

Last article can be read here.

Robber Jailed After Using Banana As Weapon

Just imagine a robber holding up someone with a banana. That's classic comedy right there.

LONDON - Robert Downey had the mask and the attitude to be a successful robber. But he ruined the effect when he tried to stage a hold-up at his local bookmaker's shop — using a banana.

Robert Downey! lol

Oh how great that would've been if it were Robert Downey Jr.

Noting the suspicious bend in the so-called "weapon," the clerk calmly called the police and on Wednesday, Downey was jailed for nearly seven years for attempted robbery.

Hahaha. He got seven years in jail for trying to rob a man with a banana. Justice prevails!

Prosecutors at the trial at Southwark Crown Court in London said Downey, a drug addict, hatched his scheme to buy more crack.

I'm now more convinced than ever that this is really Robert Downey Jr.

Donning a mask, he headed for the bookmaker's shop, pausing only to get a banana from the greengrocer on the way.

"Do you guys sell deadly weapons?"

"Er, no, sir, we don't."

"I'll take a banana, then."

In the bookmaker's, he pointed the fruit wrapped in a plastic bag, screaming, "I want the money or I will (expletive) shoot you."

He's been watching too many cartoons.

This did not produce the desired effect: assistant Peter Humphrey calmly turned to a colleague and said: "He said he has a gun, but it might be a banana."

Man, I wish I could've been there. I would've been rolling right at that moment.

Downey then produced a pair of scissors, "but seeing no money was going to be handed over he ran out of the shop," said prosecutor Patrick Cahill.

"Yeah, that might be a banana, but, well, I have scissors!"

"Those are safety scissors."

"Fuck!"

When police arrived they found the 24-year-old nearby trying to pull off his over-tight balaclava. A police dog found the badly bruised banana still in its bag nearby.

The murder weapon has been found! And Downey tried to beat it up!!

Downey, of Chatham, south of London, pleaded guilty to one count of attempted robbery at William Claridges Ltd. in Tower Hamlets, east London, in November. He also admitted possessing an imitation firearm.

What the hell? lol

"You did say, although it may seem comic now but not quite so comic at the time, that in the bag was a firearm," Justice Paul Dodgson told Downey.

"Yeah, it seems kind of stupid right now..."

"As it's been pointed out by your counsel that was an attempt that met with no success. Indeed, your victims having guessed what it was, it was never going to succeed."

"You don't have to rub it in :("

Downey's lawyer, Rajiv Menon, called the robbery attempt "farcical and incompetent."

"Not you, too -_-;;;"

"We have to face facts. It was a banana, not even a plastic gun, or something that even looked like a gun. Not only that, but neither of the bookies was scared."

"And if they were, neither of the little bastards is admitting it. Admit it!! You were afraid of that banana! Oh, wait, I'm trying to get my client off scot free, whoops."
Comments (16) | Permalink

Friday, March 18, 2005

This Ain't No Holiday
Spring Break is almost upon me. Well, it might as well already be here, since I did my last actual final on Tuesday. I have to go to school today for English, though. I get to take a nice twenty-minute drive to school to fill out a course evaluation that will take me about five minutes to fill out. Oh joy of joys! Plus, I can't shirk it, since everyone in the class has to go, or else they get an automatic F in the class. Bah.

At least I have late work that I need to turn in...apparently there were a few commentaries that I forgot to do. I already have an A- in the class, but I'll be damned if I'm going to be missing any work. And they're commentaries, anyway, and therefore they are easy to do.

Anyway, yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. That got me to thinking...is there any holiday that I could possibly care less about than St. Patrick's Day? That's a tough question, because I really don't care about good ol' St. Patrick at all. I'm not Irish, not Catholic, I don't drink, and I don't like wearing green. It's kind of sad that that's all that the day has been reduced to. Frankly, it's a sham of a holiday, just an excuse to party. Hell, people can party whenever they like, do they really need another holiday dedicated to it?

As you can probably tell, I'm bitter from years upon years of pinching. Lord, who the hell came up with that stupid addendum to the St. Patrick mythos? What, did St. Patrick become the patron saint of Ireland through years of tireless pinching? Ever since first grade, anyone who has dared pinched me has gotten a nice death glare in return. You'll never take me, bastards!!

So, it's been established that I don't give a rat's ass about St. Patrick's Day. So, what other holidays could I not give less of a shit about? I'm glad you asked, even if you didn't! I was going to save this rant for my first post on my new site, but meh. I'll come up with something else to use on there. Also, I'm running purely on American holidays - your foreign holidays mean nothing to me!

New Year's Eve/New Year's Day: I bundled these two together, since they're in such close proximity. I give a big 'meh' to the new year. I care about them more than St. Patrick's Day, but that's mostly because there is a yearly Twilight Zone marathon that Sci-Fi runs during New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. Other than that, my reaction to this is basically "Goody, the new year is here!! Whoop de do! *falls asleep*"

Martin Luther King Jr. Day: I care about this holiday, mostly because I care about respecting the memory of Martin Luther King Jr. His actions have obviously affected me in a massive way, so this is a pretty important day. Plus, it has yet to have the meaning sucked out of it, and that's always nice.

Groundhog Day: The groundhog either sees his shadow, or he doesn't. What a holiday! Pff. It doesn't deserve to have any more words dedicated to it.

Lincoln's Birthday: Good president, though he did a shitload of things that nobody knows about - such as suspending habeas corpus (the right of a person to not be imprisoned without being charged with a specific crime) during the Civil War, which is a Constitutionally guaranteed right, I might add. Also, the Emancipation Proclamation, which was intended to free the slaves, was directed towards those states still in rebellion, i.e. THE SOUTH. Yes, Lincoln, the freaking South is going to listen to you, right when they're in the middle of a war with you. The Emancipation Proclamation was more symbolic than anything, since the Union could only enforce it if they defeated the Confederates, which they did. And then the slaves were freed into years upon years of shitty treatment! Boy, I love the smell of that freedom, don't you?

Valentine's Day: Met with a shining wall of indifference. I don't really have anyone to celebrate the day with, though I did send out a nice card this year. The meaning behind the holiday is nice enough, even when bombarded with crap in every store you go to. I just try to ignore it all.

Washington's Birthday: Good president, rightly has a day dedicated to him. I get a day off, everyone is happy.

April Fools Day: Grown less and less funny over the years, since I know nobody who can do a decent practical joke, including myself. I suck at practical jokes. Plus, nobody even gets the day off - the hell kind of holiday is that?

EDIT: Easter - Wow, I forgot Easter. Oh wait, I guess we're all trying to distance ourselves from it. I know that I can't wait for the Garden Bunny to show up. And then I can run around finding eggs! Yeah, fun.

Earth Day - Let's all try to save the Earth from the deep hole that we dug for it during the first half of the twentieth century! Yeah!

Mother's Day - Nice day. I avoid the commercialism of the holiday, and just try to make my mom feel like she's as great as she really is. It's funny that a day usually full of performing menial labor is among my favorite of holidays. Guess that shows how much I care about the other holidays.

Memorial Day - War always has casualties, not just the kind where people die, but casualties of memory, as well. The people who die in war don't deserve to be forgotten. No complaints about this holiday.

Father's Day - Pretty much the same as Mother's Day, but with less menial labor. I'm cool with that.

Independence Day - It's getting harder each year to celebrate my freedom and independence with the Patriot Act breathing down my neck. The idea behind it is great, but it's pretty much barbeques and fireworks now. We can't even set off fireworks here, or we get slapped with fines by the stupid security guard who seems to come out of nowhere whenever my family does anything wrong, but is nowhere to be seen when anyone else is doing crap. The hell is up with that?

Labor Day - Usually the day before school starts for me. I'll appreciate it more when I actually start doing anything that even remotely resembles labor. Until then, it's just another day off.

Columbus Day - Everyone knows about Columbus, 1492, discovers America, yada yada yada. I don't even notice this holiday when it comes around.

Halloween - Halloween was boring until last year, where I decided to wear the only original costume I've ever thought up and I threw myself fully into some bizarre character. Dressing up and going door to door asking for candy just loses its appeal after a while. You have to find ways to keep it interesting.

Veteran's Day - Same as Memorial Day, except for the war survivors. Just about everyone who goes to war has their life changed in ways that most of us can't even imagine. Whether or not you support the ideas behind whatever war is currently being fought, you should support the people who are laying their lives on the line every day. I'm not exactly the biggest fan of the War in Iraq, but if I met with someone who managed to survive his tour of duty there, I sure as hell would disrespect him or her.

Thanksgiving - Whatever. I only care about this holiday because I enjoy seeing my family. Let's give thanks to the slaughtering of the Native Americans! Hey, pass the Cool Whip! Honestly, I end up abstaining from Thanksgiving Dinner more often than not, though not really on some moral high ground. I just like eating my own meals, I guess. Visiting family is the best part of Thanksgiving, for me.

Christmas Eve/Christmas Day: Simultaneously my most loved and hated holiday. I like presents, sure, and I love seeing family members that I rarely get to see throughout the year, but I hate when Christmas is thrown in your face everywhere you go. I don't hate commercialization because it trivializes Christmas - I hate it because it's annoying as hell. Being plagued by shoppers wherever you go, endless (and boring, really) Christmas specials everywhere on television, lame holiday movies, etc. Yes, we get it, we're all supposed to spend our money now, hurrah and huzzah. I'm going to really hate actually having money to spend around Christmas time. For now, I'll just enjoy ignoring everything. Selective apathy is a powerful tool.

I'm sure that you all noticed that there are a few holidays here and there that I skipped over. My justification? Laziness. Anyway, this is all meant to be humorous, so for the love of god, don't plague my comments box with stuff like "but christmas is the most purest of all the holidays!!11!!1" and all of that other nonsense. It's not like I go around actively denouncing these holidays every time they show up, except for St. Patrick's Day.
Comments (19) | Permalink

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Rocker Dropper
I know that most of you couldn't give two craps about wrestling, but I'm excited as hell right now, so I must post. Tonight's episode of Monday Night Raw was the greatest nostalgia trip of my life. I'm STILL grinning lol.

First of all, in the beginning of the show, there was Jake "The Snake" Roberts! Now, those who are familiar with Jake know that he's lead a pretty crappy life recently. He's been addicted to cocaine, he's really out of shape, he's been wrestling in really shitty indy feds, etc. But it was just so, so, so great to see him on the show tonight.

Jake was THE MAN when I first started watching wrestling, the absolute man. He was so great. He was only a decent wrestler, at best, but he had the rare ability to really captivate an audience with every movement he made. You can still see some of it in him today. His voice was raspy as hell (it sounded like he had throat cancer, or something, which I hope that he doesn't), but the audience was hanging on to his every word; he held them all in the palm of his hand. He looked great out there, despite being pretty out of shape.

God, I miss Jake Roberts. I hope he's turned his life around, an appearance with the WWE would seem to point in that direction.

Also, a bit later on in the show, there was the appearance of Marty fucking Jannety!! I almost couldn't handle that lol. Marty Jannety was part of an old tag team with Shawn Michaels called The Rockers, and they were probably my favorite tag team ever. I loved them to death. After Michaels and Jannety parted ways, Michaels became an uber-huge superstar, while Jannety had some success, but nowhere near as much as Michaels had. He kind of just ended up disappearing near the mid-90s.

He was supposed to be a hard partier, and he got himself into some rough shit just like Jake did. But he's supposed to have turned his life around, too, and it really looks like he has. He was in great shape, and he even teamed up with Shawn Michaels for ONE NIGHT ONLY~! That was the coolest thing ever. Or, at least, I thought that it was until they came out to the Rockers' old theme music!1!1!111! THAT was the coolest thing ever. Marty looked so damn great in the ring, and he seemed like he was having a ton of fun out there. He was flying around, he and Shawn looked like they haven't missed a beat despite not teaming together in over thirteen years, and the crowd got this massive chant going for Marty.

God, it was so great. I swear it was like I was eight years old again watching WWF with my uncle. For all the shit wrestling gets (a lot of it deserved, admittedly), it's stuff like this that reaffirms my faith in it. Helps that the rest of Raw was just as good - it was honestly the best show I've seen in a long while. I wish I lived in Atlanta so I could've gone and seen it live. That would've ruled.

Well, there's my nostalgia trip for the day, hope I didn't drive too many of you out of here :P

Anyway, speaking of watching awesome stuff, I watched The Good, The Bad and The Ugly this morning. BEST. WESTERN. EVER. It's a testament to how great the movie is when I can watch it half-asleep (it started at 7:20 AM), and still be utterly captivated for the entire three hours of the movie. It's so good - the final standoff between Blondie (aka The Man With No Name), Angel Eyes and Tuco has to be one of my favorite movie scenes ever.

I dare you pirate lovers to come up with a movie that's even half as good as this. What's that? Oh, right, you can't! Ha! The only way anyone could is if they resurrect Sergio Leone and force him to direct a pirate movie. Until then, Clint Eastwood will continue to own you guys.

Also, I changed my avatar - from one beautiful woman to another. Yowza! Thank Alan's soap opera for the change. I'll win her heart, Max Power!! *shakes fist*

EDIT: One way or another, I always end up with black and white pictures...lol. What can I say, black and white pictures are awesome.
Comments (16) | Permalink

Monday, March 14, 2005

B.B.
Alan and I had a fun conversation a while ago about an assignment he's doing for school. I don't have the energy to talk about it here, but it was fun. Basically it's a soap opera that he made up. I'm one of the stars! Plus, we're going to hire Natalie Portman as my love interest, because we all know that she'd fall in love (lust?) with me from the moment that she saw me. There are some more details to the show, but you can find out about those on Alan's site. He promised me that his next update would be about this, because it's better than his usual updates. Woo!

And now, since it's Sunday night, it's time for a nice helping of Shinmaru vs. The World! Could this possibly the last SvtW that I do on myOtaku? Possibly!

First article can be read here.

Mall bunnies hunt for neutral names

Boy, I bet that this will be a great story with no stupidity at all! Yep yep yep!

The Easter Bunny is a vanishing breed.

All of the holiday folk heroes are dying.

Not that there's a shortage of 6-foot white rabbits carrying baskets of colored eggs. It's just that Mr. Shopping Mall Bunny is becoming more politically correct.

Politically correct, the phrase of death. Someone just go kill the poor rabbit now.

The bunny at The Gardens mall Easter egg hunt last weekend — oops, make that just plain "egg hunt" — was called Garden Bunny.

Garden Bunny...what a stupid name. Next thing you'll tell me is that the bunny was brown instead of white, so that minorities would feel more welcome...

"The name just complemented The Gardens of the Palm Beaches," mall Marketing Director Jeannie Roberts said.

"And it showed that we want to make holidays even less meaningless than they already are! :D"

Saturday, Baxter the Bunny is available for photos at the Mall at Wellington Green. At Town Center in Boca Raton, Peter Rabbit will hand out goodies and pose for pictures.

PETER RABBIT OMFG THAT NAME IS THE NAME OF A RABBIT IN A STORY SUE THEM MAKE THE NAME MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT!!11!!11!!1111LOLZ

"Because we're such a multicultural community, it's good just to remain neutral," mall General Manager Sam Hosen said.

Translation: Because there are so many people who will get pissed off for no reason and beat the shit out of us, we've just decided not to have any balls.

Some stick with tradition. The Easter Bunny still appears at the Boynton Beach Mall and at Treasure Coast Square in Jensen Beach. The Palm Beach Mall has no bunny at all.

Does anyone really give two shits about Easter for non-religious reasons anymore? I know that I don't. Hell, Easter is about as non-religious as you can get nowadays, anyway.

"I suppose the name Easter Bunny is fairly unusual. We have Easter eggs too," Boynton Beach Mall Manager Andrea Horne said. "I know it's probably not the popular thing to call it."

You're celebrating Easter, therefore it's the Easter Bunny. Changing the name of the rabbit is not going to change the fact that you're celebrating Easter. Except wherever you live, I guess.

The rabbit's name seems to have little effect on shopping habits. "I'm not really sure how religious the bunny is," The Gardens' Roberts said.

*gasp* The rabbit's a heretic!

She's right. The origin of the Easter Bunny dates to the Anglo-Saxon goddess of spring and fertility, Oestre or Eastre, whose mythical companion was the ultimate symbol of fertility, the hare.

History lesson for the day.

Over the centuries the Christian belief in the resurrection of Jesus became entwined with the pagan celebration of the annual rebirth of life each spring. German immigrants brought the Easter rabbit across the Atlantic in the late 1800s, and he's become the secular symbol of the Easter season.

But pagans and Christians aren't supposed to mix :O!

The Garden Bunny may be as accurate as any. Said Roberts: "The name has always worked for us."

...you just changed the name, ass. After one day of success, I guess it can be accurately predicted that it will always be successful. Who knew?

---

Second article can be read here.

Fred Durst sues over sex video

This is the part where I beg The Bride to snatch out my eyes.

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Limp Bizkit singer Fred Durst is suing 10 Web site operators who posted the rocker's homemade sex tape after it was stolen from his computer -- possibly by the same hackers who got into reality-television star Paris Hilton's cell phone.

You'd think he'd like a couple of extra bucks. He probably needs it.

The lawsuit, filed in federal court last week, seeks more than $70 million in damages and any profits the site operators reaped in recent weeks, when the 3-minute clip of Durst and a former girlfriend began appearing on the Internet.

Okay, he let that tape get out on purpose. No way anyone gets $70 million from a sex tape on the Internet.

In the complaint, Durst contends the 2003 video was never meant for public viewing. It was stored in Durst's home computer, but hackers managed to break into the computer remotely and make a copy, according to the lawsuit.

"I'm a "celebrity" who filmed a sex tape, the tape was never meant for the public! Honest!"

In December, Durst's manager was contacted by the owner of an adult video firm who asked whether the singer would be interested in making the video available commercially. Durst's attorneys then sent letters ordering the defendants to stop.

In the letters, Durst's lawyers reportedly said "Please stop, I mean, Jesus Christ, do you want the world to vomit in terror?"

The lawsuit claims the site operators invaded Durst's privacy and misappropriated his name and likeness. Durst, who secured the copyrights to the video before filing the lawsuit, also claims the Web sites are guilty of violating U.S. copyright laws.

"Yeah, man, they violated the copyrights I secured five minutes ago!"

Since the lawsuit was filed, many of the Web sites have said they would pull the clip. "Most of them have purported to comply," Ed McPherson, Durst's attorney, said Tuesday.

"But we haven't checked it out, since we don't want to see that shit. Yuck."

McPherson said federal investigators were looking at whether the hacking incident involving Durst's computer was related to one involving Hilton. Recently, the contents of her mobile phone -- phone numbers and e-mail addresses -- were posted on the Internet.

I always knew that Fred Durst and Paris Hilton were related in more ways than one (one being their collective IQ).

The Durst sex tape was still available for downloading Tuesday on at least one of the Web sites -- listed in the lawsuit as being operated by Peerl Network Inc. of San Jose, California.

What a stupid name for a company.

Peerl Network was one of several defendants whose phone numbers could not be found or were unlisted.

I'd make sure I was unlisted, too, if I had that crap on my site. Mostly it'd be out of shame.

---

Last article can be read here.

Body of Christ gets new improved flavour

I could never, ever get tired of reading that sentence.

Funen bakers have taken up the challenge to find a new recipe for communion wafers

I've got a nice recipe for you, don't know how easy it will be to implement, though.

Step 1) Go to grocery store.
Step 2) Buy wafers.
Step 3) CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP~!

For centuries, Danish churchgoers have received the body of Christ in the form of a small, bland communion wafer. Now, competition is on the way.

Soylent green wafers?

Ninety master bakers from the island of Funen have taken up the challenge to experiment with new recipes for the holy flesh, daily religious newspaper Kristeligt Dagblad reported on Thursday.

Hahaha. IRON CHEF: CHRISTIANITY VERSION~!

We have never tried anything like this before,’ Svendborg baker Gerner Pedersen said. ‘It’s very exciting. I think I will go for a baguette made out of a mixture of wheat and rye flour. That would give a good, strong taste of bread.’

Nothing but the best for Mr. Christ.

Copenhagen deacon Finn Laugesen said he wished the bakers all the best. ‘But for as long as I have been responsible for the communion wafers, I’ve gone for the most neutral taste I could find,’ he said. ‘After all, the bread should symbolize the body of Jesus, and the wafer shouldn’t be getting all the attention. Just imagine if the pastor at the altar would say ‘This is the body of Jesus Christ. Would you like that with chocolate, vanilla or strawberry taste?’

This is my favorite part.

"Do you want some chocolate with the flesh of your Lord and Savior?"

"Uh, no thanks."
Comments (10) | Permalink

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Five-point exploding palm heart technique.
I can't wait for Spring Break. Sleep has never been something that I've really needed, but I really need it right now. Luckily, my finals schedule is a billion times easier than last semester's, so I can take things slowly. And when Spring Break comes, I can sleep to my heart's content.

It probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, but I stayed up late last night finishing 1984. The book is just so engrossing near the end that I couldn't go to sleep until I'd finished it. I ended up falling asleep about two or three hours after I intended to...lol.

Anyway, the book rules. The first 50-75 pages are slow-moving, but I don't think that they're boring in the least. The rest of the novel isn't nearly as effective without those beginning pages. Orwell really paints a great picture of the desolate world that Winston Smith lives in with those beginning pages. It just makes the last few pages that much greater...and, wow, they're really great. The last part is just one "Good god O_o" moment after another. Utter lunacy lol. Orwell rules.

I also watched Kill Bill Vol. 2 yesterday. I caught up with that way faster than I did with Vol. 1 lol. Everyone and their mother has probably already pointed this out, but Vol. 1 and Vol. 2 make a nice contrast with each other, since Vol. 1 is more action-oriented and Vol. 2 is more concerned with filling in the story. It's hard to say which of the two I like more, because they both definitely have their strong points. Right now I think I'm leaning more towards Vol. 2, maybe just because it's fresher in my mind. I don't know. They're both great movies, though.

Also, I bow down to The Bride's training sequence with Pai Mei. I have a soft spot for stuff like that, haha. Oh, and is it just me, or was anyone else thinking of Al Pacino from Scarface when the manager of the bar where Budd worked (I forget his name) was talking? I swear, he sounded just like him. lol

Anyway, I have some philosophy stuff to do at the moment...after I'm done with that, I guess I'll lay down or something. No naps, though, I hate naps. Whenever I take a nap I always end up feeling more tired than I was before the nap. Naps suck. I have more (fun) reading to do, maybe I'll do that. Faulkner's The Sound and The Fury is waiting for me.
Comments (11) | Permalink

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Cactus
To answer Ger's question, a tween is a kid who is not yet a teenager, but too old to be considered a child. I think it's quite possibly one of the dumbest concepts ever thought up, and of course it ends up being popular in America. Stupid ass word. The worst part is that I don't even know if there's an existing age range for it. It's just "OMG that person is a tween!!1!!111" Go fuck yourselves, tweens. You're all children, live with it.

As for a cult, I might have mentioned a Cult of Shinmaru on here at one point, I don't know. If I made a cult I'm sure that it would be a very popular cult. If I made a cult, how many of you would join it? Furthermore, how many of you would then go on to subvert my authority in said cult? Tell the truth, you power-hungry bastards!! If you tell the truth, you will die a slow, agonizing death nothing whatsoever will happen to you. I swear.

Anyway, I've been a bit tired lately. Finals are coming up for me, so everything's becoming pretty hectic over here. I doubt that I have a schedule as strenuous as some people do, but it's still tiring. I've had various projects, presentations, essays, and studying to do over the past week or so. Fun stuff, I'll tell ya what. Especially since I love feeling really tired every day! Not a feeling like it in the world.

I did a presentation on Monday for my Intro to Comm Theory class...it was about first impression stereotypes. I basically just went along with what the girls wanted to do lol (I was in a group with three girls). Our presentation went kind of long, because the supplementary video clips they were showing were really long. I had no idea how long they were going to be, since I didn't get to see what they were going to use when we met up on Sunday. So, I was a bit surprised when the minutes kept going by.

Eventually we got to my part (I was last to present because I have no apparent will of my own), and I got about 3/4 of the way through my part before the professor cut me off because we were running low on time. Of course. At least I got to show my Futurama clip, which made it all worth it, I guess. Getting cut off in the middle of talking was pretty annoying, though, especially since my presentation was shorter than those of my fellow group members lol.

Oh well. Our professor seemed to like our presentation, so whatever. As long as we get a good grade on this project I can forget about whatever the hell happened during the presentation. See, I'm forgetting it already. Also, I can bear no ill will towards my group members, because they're all nice. Damn those girls and their niceness. How the hell can I be a grumpy bastard when people are being nice?

Everything else is okay, I guess. All I have left are my finals, and those are all essay tests, and therefore a lot easier for me to study for. I don't like multiple choice tests. Memorizing a bunch of facts isn't something I care for, unless I'm really interested in the subject matter. Going into greater detail is easier for me, because I can focus on one thing and explore it more in-depth. Plus, there's writing, and that's always fun.

I just remembered right now...there are a bunch of signs posted up on the walls around my communication classes. They're all basically for clubs around the campus. My favorite signs are from The Round Earth Society, since the only purpose of their signs seems to be to piss off anyone who is even remotely religious...lol. Stuff like "IMAGINE - NO GODS, NO MASTERS!!!" and other ones that basically equate Atheism to women's liberation. They're all so sensationalistic, they're funny. I'm not even religious, and I find them silly. I wish I had my camera so I could take pictures of them.

I wonder how many people actually saw those posters and said to themselves "No gods...no masters...dude, I want in on that!!" I don't know, it just doesn't seem like something that would make me want to join a club, but maybe I'm wrong? lol

Lastly, there's this guy, Mike, who's in both of my communications classes that I'm going to miss when we finish class. My friend Sean hates him, but I think he's hilarious. He's basically one of those guys who acts like everything he says is the most important thing that you're ever going to hear for the rest of your life. He speaks really, really slowly with this deep voice like you'd hear on the radio, and he always uses these incredibly convoluted sentences when he talks. He's so incredibly pretentious that I can't help but love the guy. Maybe if I got stuck doing the group project with him, like Sean did, I'd hate him, but oh well lol.

Am I a jerk for thinking he's hilarious? Probably. But it's fun. Everyone is probably a bit pretentious at one point or another, anyway. I bet there's someone on some blog somewhere laughing at me because they think I'm pretentious. And it could happen to you, too!

EDIT: And congrats to one OtakuSennen for reaching 4,000 visits on myOtaku. He rules, and you should all visit his site. If you don't want to bother, then just go kill yourselves right now, you'll all be better off.
Comments (18) | Permalink

Monday, March 7, 2005

Tired
School, work, presentation, Fruits Basket, stuff, WHOA!

My head hurts. Shinmaru vs. The World, come and save me!

First article can be read here.

Japan's desperate housewives happy to pay for sexual healing

So, does the solution to their problem come in a vending machine, too?

THE women who flock to Dr Kim Myong-gan’s clinic in a western suburb of Tokyo are desperate. Invariably they are well-dressed, intelligent and from outwardly stable and normal households.

Only...they don't have sex!! *suspense music*

There is, however, something very important missing from their married lives: sex. "Almost all the women who come to the clinic are married, but those marriages have been sexless for five years, 10 years, even 15 years," says Kim, a sexologist whose radical therapy techniques have won him adulation among Japan’s long-suffering female population.

Is this supposed to be shocking? Normal household = no sex. Besides, I haven't had sex in nineteen years of existence, suck it up.

The prescription for their pain is a date with a member of his hand-picked "sex volunteer corps". A team of 40 men, aged between 32 and 60 and chosen for their looks, sense of humour and ability to listen while the woman unburdens herself of the shortcomings of her husband, is operating in six Japanese cities.

Ha, they're like a superhero sex squad! They all need names or something, though...like, The Dominator for the kinky girls, The Listener for the women who just want to talk all day, and El Gigante for those who really want to unburden themselves from the shortcomings of their husbands.

After a meal in an up-market restaurant and a couple of drinks in a bar, they retire to a hotel to complete the healing process.

Translation: Cigarettes and bed.

The term "sexless marriage" was first coined in Japan in the early 1990s, when therapists were confronted by a surge in the number of women admitting dissatisfaction with their love lives.

My ass, sexless marriage has existed for years. Don't parade around like you invented the phrase.

While Japan may be famous for the no-holds barred nature of its infamous "entertainment districts", in its annual sex survey in 2004 by Durex the average number of sexual encounters in 41 countries was 103 each year. Japan ranked last of the 41 nations with just 46 occasions a year. Britain was ninth on the list, with 119 times a year, while the top spot went to the frolicking French, with 137 encounters.

The frolicking French. lol

They lose so many battles that I guess they get depressed and screw like crazy afterwards.

Kim said: "The problem among many Japanese men is that fairly soon after they get married, they begin to see their wives as their mothers, there to cook and clean for them. That makes it very hard to find them sexually attractive again."

Ew, yeah, who would be attracted to their mother?

Oedipus: Me?

Quiet, you.

About 200 women visit his clinic every year, the majority housewives in their 40s. Many have already turned to doctors or psychologists, who have suggested that they try talking to their husbands, getting a job or a new hobby.

Too bad that their job and hobby is trying to get their husbands to have sex with them.

After an initial two-hour interview, costing Y20,000 (£100), the women are given a book containing photos and the personal details of Kim’s volunteers, whom he claims are not gigolos and he emphasised that he earns nothing from anything that happens beyond his clinic’s walls.

He had a hard time explaining himself after it was revealed that one of his workers was named Deuce Bigalow, though...

---

Next article can be read here.

Kansas Christians Mobilizing on Moral Issues

John! Stop them!

OVERLAND PARK, Kan. (Reuters) - Seen from afar, the unadorned cross atop the First Family Church of Overland Park seems to stretch almost into the heavens.

But it doesn't, because that would be evil.

But it is the thousands of Christians congregating at First Family and other churches throughout Kansas who are flexing their political muscle by pushing a conservative Christian political agenda that is rapidly gaining momentum.

Since when has Kansas mattered? When did they stop tilling their dust farms long enough to learn politics?

"There is an evangelical resurgence in this country and what is happening here in Kansas is symbolic of much of the nation," said First Family senior Pastor Jerry Johnston.

The country is going to be run by maniaical Christians! OMG!

...wait a second...

Indeed, a host of conservative Christian causes are moving forward: on April 5, Kansas voters will take up one of the strictest anti-gay marriage amendments in the nation; the state school board is embroiled in arguments between evolution and Biblical beliefs about creation; and fresh battles have begun over book banning and abortion rights.

Lord. If there is a god, he'll strike down all those people who get a hard-on from arguing about all of this all day.

The farming state in the middle of the American Heartland has long leaned Republican, and routinely backed conservatives on both social and fiscal matters.

When did they get rich enough to support the Republicans?

But the last year has seen an unprecedented conservative Christian fervor sweep the state, sparked primarily by out-of-state court rulings favoring same-sex marriages. Hundreds of church leaders have been meeting, holding rallies and pounding pulpits to spur followers to political action.

They'd better not get any of their conservative Christian fervor on me...

They say their movement was bolstered by the re-election of President Bush, a self-proclaimed born-again Christian.

Yay?

"There are pastors and other Christian leaders in every state who are beginning to understand they can't sit back any more," said Pastor Jim Conard of First Baptist Church in Shawnee, Kansas. "Any clear-cut moral issue that God has spoken on is worth defending."

With outdated dogma and fanatical zeal! Yes!

Not all Kansans are embracing the evangelical agenda. Both Democrats and many life-long Republicans say the efforts to curtail abortion and homosexual rights are regressive, divisive and discriminatory.

You're kidding!

"We're trying to become the laughingstock of the world," said Bill Franklin, a former mayor of Prairie Village, Kansas, who describes himself as a moderate Republican.

Kansas wasn't the laughingstock of the world already?

Observers say religious ideology has helped keep Kansas a Republican stronghold, despite the fact that much of the state is rural and populated by working- and middle-class families, the exact demographic Democrats say are hurt the most by Republican fiscal policies.

Shows how backwards they are.

A key concern for the Christian groups is next month's vote on a constitutional amendment that would not only ban same-sex marriages -- already prohibited by Kansas law -- but also prohibit any relationship other than a married man and woman from receiving benefits associated with marriage, such as shared health insurance.

Boy, I sure do love the government butting in on marriage! Yay!

Conservatives are also making inroads on abortion issues. State Attorney General Phill Kline, a Republican, has demanded the private medical records of dozens of Kansas women who have had late-term abortions, which are restricted but legal.

Boy, I sure do love Republicans trying to invade people's privacy! Yay!

Abortion rights groups called it a witch-hunt designed to intimidate women and doctors but Kline, who leads the national Republican attorneys general association, says he is seeking evidence of possible crimes.

"By committing more crimes!"

Kansas conservatives are also busy lobbying for changes in science instruction about evolution, which Christian groups say runs counter to Biblical teachings about the origin of life.

People being able to decide on their own what they want to believe? That's ludicrous!

Kline has weighed in there too, telling Kansas Board of Education members they can place stickers on textbooks that read: "Evolution is a theory, not a fact."

I love irony.

And there are efforts in one of the state's highest-achieving school districts to ban books from the high school reading curriculum because of value concerns.

What, not enough dust around to pay for them?

The moves are the first of many to restore morality to Kansas and the nation, church leaders say.

Oh, the books make people think, gotcha.

"You're going to see more and more of this," said Johnston, who is preparing for an April 3 rally in the Kansas City area expected to draw 10,000 people. "The church is alive and well. It has woken up, and it has become politically savvy."

Fire in the hole!

---

Last article can be read here.

Games for tweens get new rating

Did I ever mention how much I want to smack anyone who says 'tween'?

BELMONT, Calif. - The ratings board for the video game industry announced a new category Wednesday for children approaching their teens.

It's a big red label that says "KEEP AWAY - THIS GAME SUCKS".

The "E10+" category should help fill a gap between games rated "E" for everyone, which some children outgrow, and "T" for teen, which are too violent or mature for some parents' tastes.

What the hell would be the difference between "E" and "E10+"? "Uh, we added a 10+ to the E."

It might bring relief to households like the Pattons, who live in the San Francisco suburb of Belmont.

"Now we have more stupid ratings to judge games on! Yay!"

A big fan of Mario Bros. video games, 9-year-old Nicholas Patton is itching to play "Super Smash Bros. Melee." But to his dismay, his parents have declared the "T"-rated game off-limits. The disagreement has sparked incessant requests and some tense moments.

I'm still wondering just how the hell Smash Bros. Melee got a T rating? What the hell? It's no more violent than Super Smash Bros. was, and yet the N64 original got an E rating.

To think that this could all be solved by actually researching a bit. Common sense rules!

With the new category, the game, which includes a little more violence than other Mario-based games, might have gotten a permissible "E10+" instead. At the least, it could bring more choices to parents and their young children, who often don't see eye-to-eye when it comes to the form of entertainment that has infiltrated millions of American households.

How much more violence? lol

"Stars are flying above the character's head :O! Whoa, man, my moral foundation is crumbling as we speak!"

"In that age group, you're left in the middle," said the boy's father, Paul Patton. "Unless you're into the sports games, the "E" games aren't that exciting anymore for him, and as for the "T" ones — your concept of reality isn't totally there yet."

My ass. There are plenty of great E rated games. Your kid is just an idiot.

Ratings, which range from "EC" for early childhood to "AO" for adults only, are meant to be a guide and certainly are not always in line with parents' views.

That's because most parents don't even know the damn things exist, the idiots.

But the Entertainment Software Rating Board, a self-regulatory body set up by the gaming industry, believes the new "E10+" label will come in handy for parents, especially because the organization has seen an increasing number of games getting a "T" rating, perhaps because of mild violence, when the titles could be considered suitable for a 10-year-old.

Oh, I get it now, it's just there for the parents to fawn over.

"We found we were putting games we thought were preteen in the teen category," said Patricia Vance, president of the board. "And with the levels of sophistication in game play and graphics now, we felt there was enough nuance in the range of games to warrant a new category between 'E' and 'T.'"

Christ, it's not as if every game rated E is Elmo's Potty Training Simulator or something. How much worse than E rated games can preteen games be? Unless kids are entering puberty left and right in these games, I don't think they'll be that different.

The "E10+" rating means the video game may be suitable for children 10 and older. The title might contain moderate amounts of cartoon, fantasy or mild violence; mild profanity or minimally suggestive themes.

Just like E rated games! Wow!

Likely candidates might be racing games with more extreme car crashes or games with super heroes or cartoon characters — cute as they may be — involved in some fighting, Vance said.

Oh, good, games I don't really play that much. Excellent.

Though existing games won't be reclassified, ones that might have qualified as "E10+" include "Super Smash Bros. Melee," "Shrek," "Ratchet and Clank," and "Jak II," she said.

One of those games does not belong. Which one is it, I wonder?

Two upcoming games already set to receive the new rating are "Donkey Kong Jungle Beat," in which the gorillas have to fight each other a bit more than other Donkey Kong games, and a game based on Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before Christmas." Vance said the latter is "on the scary side — something you might not want a 6-year-old to see but nothing that most preteens can't handle."

So then don't buy the game for a six-year-old. Oh, wait, that involves actually knowing about the game a bit and not being lazy. Look on the backs of boxes, fools!!

The underlying theory is that not all children are created equal: There are very distinct developmental differences in the ages of 6, 10, and 13.

Six-year-olds suck at games and are pests when multiplayer contests are going on. Ten-year-olds are learning, but they suck, too. Thirteen-year-olds are good, but also arrogant, and deserve to be crushed by older gamers.

Just as in real life, "you don't go from child to teen in one leap," said Ralph Lopez, a Cornell clinical pediatrics professor with whom the rating board consulted.

You've got to hit 10+ first, apparently.

What counts as humorous for a 6-year-old will often be passe for a 10-year-old, Lopez said. A car hitting a tree could be terrifying for the younger set but humorous for a tween.

*smack*

Another difference comes when the line between fantasy and reality is better understood, usually during the teen years. Hence, any game that depicts real injuries — versus unrealistic physical recoveries — gets at least a "T" rating.

What? I thought that it is impossible for kids to discover the difference between fantasy and reality, and that games were the devil! Man, I need to seriously reevaulate my thinking.

Language is also a key issue, and the rating board examines not only the script of games but accompanying song lyrics.

They'll going to start putting "Parental Guidance - Explicit Content" stickers on games now, I bet...

The rating board recruits people — without any game industry ties — to review video games before they hit store shelves.

I wonder if they would rate Looney Tunes cartoons T for teens?

About 53 percent of the games sold in the United States in 2004 were rated "E," according to the board, though data analyzed by GamerMetrics and IGN.com show that only 46 percent of all games sold in 2004 were rated "E," with the bulk of sales in "T" and "M."

To be fair, half of those games probably sucked really badly.

A random, telephone-based survey conducted by Peter D. Hart Research Associates last year found that about 70 percent of parents refer to the ratings every time they buy a game.

If only I could actually believe that...

Count the Pattons among them. Their generous collection of 50-plus video games for their two sons, ages 5 and 9, are all rated "E" — except for one "T" game that a relative gave to Nicholas as a gift and is being stored in a closet until the fifth grader comes of age.

When he magically turns 13 and poof! He suddenly learns the difference between fantasy and reality and can play video games.

Among their concerns: limiting exposure to violence and more mature language.

For all my mocking, at least they are going about it okay. But the E10+ stuff is still pretty silly, I think.

Sure, even some Disney movies now include words that were unacceptable on the big screen 30 years ago, but it's another matter if the word is repeated 45 times in 30 minutes, Nicholas' father said.

Is 45 the new bajillion?

"I don't feel we're rigid," said his mother, Kim Patton, "but we do feel we have to have limits. Nicholas has the whole rest of his life to be exposed to things."

*waits for a kid to come and say "Eww, exposed!"
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