Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Girlfriend Is Better
Yes, it's time for my tri-annual "MIDTERMS, PLZ DIE" post!!

The worst part about midterms, as with all tests, is all of the preparation. I already despise studying to begin with, and I have to ramp up my efforts just so I know that I won't miss anything on the test that should be reasonably easy if the dope who's taking the test has actually studied the material. My brain is this close to shutting down from all of the effort I've put into these damn things. (Thank god I was invited to a Smash Bros. Melee party on Sunday; otherwise I would have warped into Jack Torrance for lack of fun.)

The absolute worst day is the day before my first midterm, because of all the pre-test nervousness. You know, "Have I studied enough? Will I do well on the test? When did Montcalm spurn the Native Americans in the French and Indian War by not inviting them to a dinner he held for his defeated foe? What the hell is a 'mandapa'? ARGH! LOUD NOISES!!" I am a total wreck before tests begin lol.

It's the complete opposite on test day, though. I am the picture of absolute calm. I'd like to say that it's confidence, but I liken it more to the feeling of walking down death row: You know what's coming... you're going to be executed. Why lose your mind over it? That won't change the fact that it's going to happen. Still, there is the hope in the back of your mind that the governor will call and, uh... give you an 'A.' Fuck, that analogy really fell apart there.

Anyway, I took my first midterm yesterday in War and American Society. I think I did well on it - I know I at least got a 'B.' If a couple of guesses go my way, then I might even get an 'A.' Huzzah! Today is my midterm for History of Asian Art. That one has been a total bitch to prepare for, because in the three years since I've taken an art history course I've completely forgotten how much memorization is needed in it. I think I've pounded most of it into my head. I'll be so glad when this is over and we'll basically be starting from scratch lol. Wish me luck.

In other news, I've got an annoying ear condition: Apparently, through terrible use of Q-Tips as my research has led me to believe, some earwax has built up in the back of my ear and hardened, which has muffled my hearing like crazy. Conveniently enough, I started feeling the effects of it on Friday when my History of Asian Art professor was going over some stuff that may end up being pretty damn important on the midterm if a certain essay question is chosen for us to do. She speaks with a pretty thick accent, so it's already a bit tricky to understand her, but this just compounds the problem. THANKS A LOT, NATURE. You whore.

I guess I can't blame Nature too much, though, since I trifled with it when I decided to plunge a Q-Tip into my hear. I tampered in God's domain, and now I am paying for it. Let this be a lesson to you, children: Q-Tips are the tools of Satan. So, Megan, you're still fine using them. The rest of you, stay the hell away. I mean it. If you absolutely MUST use them, you vain pigs, then just use them peripherally so people won't see your disgusting earwax dripping from your orifices. Otherwise, let nature take its course.

Lastly, I've been listening to some New Wave-ish stuff lately, mostly because I forgot how much I liked the best bands from that era. I've especially fallen in love with Talking Heads. They were wonderful. <3


EDIT: For no particular reason I was on the necrophilia page on Wikipedia, and I found something that cracked me up. Please tell me whether it's wrong that I find this so hilarious:

"Among Animals:

Necrophilia is not unknown in animals, with a number of confirmed observations. Kees Moeliker allegedly made one of these observations while he was sitting in his office at the Natuurmuseum Rotterdam, when he heard the distinctive thud of a bird hitting the glass facade of the building. Upon inspection, he discovered a drake mallard lying dead about two meters from the building. Next to the downed bird there was a second drake mallard standing close by. As he observed the odd couple, the living drake picked at the corpse of the dead one for a few minutes and then mounted the corpse and began copulating with it. The act of necrophilia lasted for about 75 minutes, in which time, according to Moeliker, the living drake took two short breaks before resuming with copulating behavior. Moeliker surmised that at the time of the collision with the window the two mallards were engaged in a common motif in duck behavior which is called rape flight. "When one died the other one just went for it and didn't get any negative feedback -- well, didn't get any feedback," according to Moeliker. This is the first recorded case of necrophilia in the mallard duck."

I mean, a duck humping a dead duck for over an hour... lol. The very idea of that is so absurd that I can't help but find it hilarious. It sees the dead mallard, pokes at it a bit, decides, "Eh, why not?" and just goes at it. That's just fantastic lol. The fact that someone actually watched the whole time and took notes on what happened makes it even better. That bolded quote is the real capper for me, though.

"Hey, baby, you like that, don't you? Don't you?"

"*silence*"

"I don't hear a no! QUACK QUACK."

God, it's just so damn funny. Huzzah for necrophilia humor!! :P
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Friday, September 8, 2006

Koopa Cabana
Just here to plug a site real quick: Koopa Cabana

It's basically a catch-all Nintendo fansite - so far we've just been posting bits of news, but previews, reviews, and opinion articles should be fair game as well. I've got a preview that I should be working on soon, haha. There is much work to be done! Tony and I have been the main contributors to the site thus far, but more people should be jumping on the boat soon, so to speak.

Anyway, please visit, everyone! We'll do our damndest to make Koopa Cabana a more than worthwhile Nintendo site. :)
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Tuesday, September 5, 2006

First It Steals Your Mind
I just noticed right now that my site has surpassed 1,000 total comments. John posted the 1,000th comment. Congratulations, John! You get bragging rights!

Anyway, nothing really worth posting about right now, except for one random thought: A few days ago I listened to Soundgarden's Superunknown for the first time in God knows how long... and, you know, I almost forgot what a fantastic album it is. The feeling I got from the album is weird, too - like it sounds completely different than I remember it sounding, but in a good way. I guess I'd been listening to Nirvana and whoever else so much that I forgot how big a departure Superunknown is from the rest of grunge. A solid case could be made for Superunknown being the best album to come from the grunge era (or one of the best, at the very least).

There isn't one track on Superuknown that I can definitively say is my favorite song on the album. Pretty much every track is solid, and several of them are just amazing songs that most bands would kill to be able to write. Right now, though, I'd say that the title track receives most of my attention, since it fits perfectly into my musical preferences at the moment. The lyrics are simple, but they paint a nice picture of this weird, surreal world that I enjoy; the music is hard, catchy, and high energy; and Chris Cornell goes fucking nuts with his singing. (His throat must have been trashed after Soundgarden were finished recording "Superuknown" lol.) Hell, even the Twilight Zone-ish art accompanying the "Superuknown" section in the album's booklet rules, despite the amazingly ugly type for the lyrics, which are plastered over the picture and just SCREAM early 90s, haha.

"Head Down," "Spoonman," "The Day I Tried to Live," "Let Me Drown," "Like Suicide," and, of course, "Black Hole Sun" all rotate as my favorite song on the album as well. Again, though, every track on Superunknown is quality. It's too bad that moving in this direction is ultimately what caused Soundgarden to break up; would've been nice if Chris Cornell and Kim Thayil could have compromised more on the musical direction they both wanted to go in, but oh well. You can't really force something like that. And, hey, at least they made Superunknown before they imploded! :P

By the way, I also watched the video for "Black Hole Sun" for the first time in forever, and it's still a bit creepy, even with some of the cheap effects and amusingly obvious green-screening going on lol.
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Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Chicken Bridesmaids + Pot + Porn = ?
So, I finished Death Note recently, and now my love for it knows no bounds (there were a few flimsy bounds before but those have now been destroyed). I'd give more substantial thoughts than that, but, you know, spoilers and all. Even if I warn people, I don't want to take the chance of someone accidentally glancing over them. I'll probably give some thoughts later on today at OB if anyone cares at all to read it.

For now you should just now that Death Note is fantastic and actually delivers on all of the hype behind it, which is a miracle in and of itself. I shall continue to buy every English volume, and I encourage you all to do the same. Death Note's reasonably short (12 volumes), so it wouldn't be as big a hit on your pocketbook as some manga tend to be.

Anyway, I randomly got a hankerin' for some spankerin' to do a Shinmaru vs. The World, so here it is, everyone! Won't John be happy to see this? :P

(For all of you crazy newcomers, Shinmaru vs. The World posts are simple - I take three goofy news articles and make fun of them. Often times the commentary is as simple as the concept. Enjoy!)

First article can be read here.

Bridesmaid Was Real Chicken

Starring Julia Roberts as the chicken.

BISMARCK, N.D. -- Chicken was a part of the wedding of Terry Morris and Renee Biwer, but it had nothing to do with the menu or the name of a popular dance.

So, motorcycles at one AM, eh? I gotcha.

Henrietta the hen was a bridesmaid. She's also the pet of the groom.

Wow, that'll make for some kinky adultery.

Terry Morris has had Henrietta for 12 years, ever since the hen came into his wheel alignment shop in Olympia, Wash.

Seriously, you should've been there: It was a long day of hard work; Mr. Morris was tired as hell. Sweat dripped slowly off of his hard, exhausted face. The sun was setting softly in the background - the doorway was aglow with fading sunlight. And then Henrietta came.

"What do you need, little lady?" Mr. Morris asked, his eyes immediately drawn to Henrietta's luscious beak and the smooth way she fanned herself.

"[I need my wheels aligned]," Henrietta responded, with a hint of a breathy southern twang showing through in her reply.

It was love at first cluck.

He said he kept the hen a secret from his bride-to-be at first because he didn't want her to think he was crazy. She didn't, and the couple now travel with Henrietta and keep her in hotel rooms with them.

What this article neglects to mention is that the bride-to-be actually DID think that he was crazy at first... a couple nights alone in a hotel with Henrietta set her straight though. WOO, baby.

The new Mrs. Morris said Henrietta is part of the family, and "like one of our children," it's important to include her.

"...in our jaunts to various beds in various hotels."

---

Second article can be read here.

Police expect bumper pot crop

Bumper? Who the hell says that? Just go for the good ol' goofy headline: "Police Expect Lot O' Pot."

Late August means two things in rural areas around Glens Falls -- time for the county fair, and time to start ripping up marijuana plants.

And by no means are the two events mutually exclusive. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

An unusually hot and wet July made for ideal marijuana growing conditions this year, and police expect to find a bumper crop when they start taking to the woods and fields to pull up plants.

"We're gonna confiscate the HELL out of these things. And, uh, after that it's all secret police business."

"We're hearing it's a great crop," said Saratoga County Undersheriff Michael Woodcock. "It was jungle-like weather, and it is a tropical plant."

"Really, I'm not kidding, it's a FANTASTIC crop this year... freakin' beautiful, man. Brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it."

With its prodigious farmland, Washington County has long been one of the biggest producers of marijuana in the Northeast, though the advent of indoor growing operations has led to a drop in seizures over the past decade or so. In the early 1990s, 10,000 to 15,000 plants were pulled up annually in the county.

It'd be the Mecca of dope if potheads weren't so busy sitting in their mom's basement or running over little girls.

The agricultural areas of Saratoga County have also been significant pot-producers over the years. This summer, local police will be able to employ a new, old weapon in the search for illicit pot patches.

Dope-smoking dogs who peaked in high school.

They will have access to a helicopter this year, the first time in several years in Washington County that officers have been able to get airborne to better find marijuana hidden in corn fields, woods and other areas that can't be seen from roads.

Most of the time they just think they're airborne.

For years, the Army National Guard provided a helicopter and manpower to local sheriff's departments for annual fly-overs.

But they found better dope elsewhere. Sorry, Glens Falls. Just keep pullin' your plants until next year.

However, the ongoing military actions in the Middle East, and specifically the resulting lack of qualified helicopter pilots, have prevented the Washington County Sheriff's Department from taking to the air in recent years.

For very long, anyway.

But this year, the newly organized Northern Branch of the Capital District Drug Task Force -- which is in charge of drug enforcement in Washington, Saratoga and Warren counties -- will have access to a State Police helicopter to look for marijuana, said Washington County Undersheriff Matthew Mabb. Mabb said it was "too early to say" how big the crop will be, but the weather seemed to be optimal for a heat- and moisture-loving plant like marijuana.

"Let's just say that if you see any deer stumbling around, you'll know that we've got a hell of a crop on our hands."

Glens Falls had nearly double the normal rainfall in July, along with two heat waves that saw temperatures rise well into the 90s.

Hey, look, everyone, we've finally found the upside to global warming: More pot!

"We're hearing it's going to be a pretty good year," said Cambridge-Greenwich Police Chief George Bell.

"For example, I heard earlier in the article that it's going to be a pretty good year."

Cambridge was the site of the biggest seizure so far this summer, when State Police pulled up 103 plants last month in the hamlet of Center Cambridge.

They had the help of a short, squat Italian plumber and all of his rowdy friends.

---

Last article can be read here.

Activists Try to Curtail Hotels' In-Room Porn

It's a useless gesture. If someone wants porn, then he or she will make it out of ANYTHING. A spork could make you horny if you really wanted it.

NEW YORK -- Pornographic movies now seem nearly as pervasive in America's hotel rooms as tiny shampoo bottles, and the lodging industry shows little concern as conservative activists rev up a protest campaign aimed at triggering a federal crackdown.

"Triggering a federal crackdown"? I smell new porn series!!

A coalition of 13 conservative groups -- including the Family Research Council and Concerned Women for America -- took out full-page ads in some editions of USA Today earlier this month urging the Justice Department and FBI to investigate whether some of the pay-per-view movies widely available in hotels violate federal and state obscenity laws.

Something tells me that'd be a LONG investigation. Or maybe not, depending.

The coalition also is trying to draw attention to CleanHotels.com, a directory of hotels and motels nationwide that pledge to exclude adult offerings from their in-room entertainment service.

Oh, goody. Now you can spend more time at the cheap pool with the couple from Iowa and their ten yowling children.

Though porn is now cheaply and readily accessible on the Internet, and through many other outlets, the activists chose to target the hotel industry in part because of the well-known brands of corporations that cater to family vacationers as well as business travelers.

Hey, last time I heard, porn for the whole family was a few years off.

"These are places that you take your family -- these are respectable institutions,'' said Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council. "Anything that brings porn into the mainstream is a concern. It just desensitizes people.''

"Just like that damn SpongeBob Squarepants, who desensitizes the world to the gay community!! Damn you, Squarepants!! *shakes fist*"

Precise statistics on in-room adult entertainment are hard to come by. By some estimates, adult movies are available in roughly 40 percent of the nation's hotels, representing more than 1.5 million rooms. Industry analysts suggest that these adult offerings generate 60 to 80 percent of total in-room entertainment revenue -- several hundred million dollars a year.

"Statistics are hard to come by"? Well, duh. That's what the porn is for!

I'll be here all night, folks.

The recent newspaper ad mentioned no hotel companies by name because of legal concerns, but it did target the two major suppliers of in-room adult movies _ South Dakota-based LodgeNet and Denver-based OnCommand, a subsidiary of Liberty Media Corp. The ad accused both companies of distributing hardcore pornography to their hotel clients, and it provided a link to a list of X-rated movie titles.

So, uh, they're combating porn by advertising it? Okay.

Spokesmen for OnCommand and Liberty Media declined to comment on the ad, and LodgeNet's spokeswoman did not return calls seeking comment. However, top spokespeople for two of the biggest hotel chains, Hilton and Marriott, defended the policies that make adult movies widely available at their affiliated hotels.

"We like it very much!"

Both Kathy Shepard of Hilton and Roger Conner of Marriott said the bulk of their hotels are operated by franchise-holders who make their own decisions about in-room programming. They made clear, however, that their companies consider adult movies to be an acceptable option because they can be ignored or blocked out by guests not wishing to view them.

But, wait, I thought that you were totally forcing them on these conservative groups WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?????

"Really ultraconservative groups try to target the hotels in their zest to eliminate porn,'' Shepard said. "In their zest to have their personal morals prevail, they're eliminating choice for others.''

Conservative groups forcing their morals on others and eliminating choice from our lives?? No!! Say it isn't so!!

Conner said none of the programing offered by Marriott is illegal, and he depicted adult movies as a standard part of today's hotel business.

"Now our escort services, woo, those are VERY illegal... shit, I probably shouldn't have said that."

"In-room movies are a revenue stream,'' he said. "This is a business matter.''

But I was taught never to mix business with pleasure.

The leader of the campaign against in-room porn is Phil Burress, a self-described former porn addict who heads the Cincinnati-based Citizens for Community Values.

"Because I don't enjoy it anymore, that means NOBODY should enjoy it!!"

Burress and his allies have had some success regionally, pressuring about 15 Ohio and Kentucky hotels to stop offering adult movies. But he says a nationwide pressure campaign would be difficult because nearly all the big hotel chains have similar policies -- porn is available at some but not all of their affiliates.

"C'mon, guys, you're making it really hard for me to bully you with my aggresively strict morals! :("

Though unable to cite specific cases, Burress contended that the availability of in-room porn is making hotels more dangerous.

"My lack of evidence is CLEAR evidence!!"

"As more and more of these (hardcore) titles become available, we're going to have sexual abuse cases coming out of the hotels,'' he said. "Hotels are just as dangerous as environments around strip joints and porn stores.''

Uh huh. So, rapists and other sexual abusers went to porn shops, watched a porno, and said to themselves, "Oh. So THAT'S how you do it!"

Burress said he was "cautiously optimistic'' that Justice Department officials -- whom he and other anti-porn leaders confer with periodically -- would seriously consider investigating hotel-based pornography.

They're sticking to pornos that are set in hotels, I see.

"Fetch me 'Bellhop Blowjobs 22' my good man!"

Justice Department spokesman Bryan Sierra said federal authorities are committed to toughening enforcement of obscenity laws, but he declined to comment on specific targets for investigations.

"Let's just say llamas are involved. *wink*"

LodgeNet and OnCommand together provide in-room entertainment to more than 1.8 million hotel room in North America -- with customers that include Sheraton, Hilton, Holiday Inn, Ritz-Carlton, Hyatt, Marriott and Ramada.

"More than 1.8 million hotel room"? Did Tarzan write this?

The standard in-room packages offered by LodgeNet and OnCommand include adult movies, but they have tried to accommodate hotels preferring a no-porn alternative, according to Shannon Sedgwick Davis, executive director of an association of hotels which don't offer adult movies to guests.

Look at that, a sensible choice for the customer - no wonder it's being opposed so ardently.

One problem, she said, is that the big hotel chains often have negotiated bulk contracts with the video suppliers that include the adult movies and can be expensive to cancel.

To be fair, they'd also save a lot of money on towels.

---

BTW, Snakes on a Plane~

If you haven't listened to SomeGuy yet, then listen to me - SoaP is completely worth seeing, unless you have absolutely no sense of humor, in which case it'd be better to just end it all right now. I suggest using a cobra.
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Tuesday, August 22, 2006

108
I <3 Death Note. <3 <3 <3

That is all. A real update comes tomorrow. AND I MEAN REAL. On the really real, yo.
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Thursday, August 17, 2006

.999 Pure Silver Recovered From Ground Zero
Lately I've seen a lot of debate about how "right" it is to capitalize on and profit off of traumatic real-life events such as 9/11. Oliver Stone's World Trade Center seems to be taking the brunt of the criticism, given its producers' policy of donating 10% of the profits from the film's first five days of release to various charities (to be fair, though, United 93's producers donated profits from its first three days of release). I think that we can all agree that the classiest move would have been to simply cover production costs and then donate the rest of the profits to charity. Obviously these producers have not, and, ultimately, that is their choice to make - they have a product that they think they'll profit from and that's all well and good for them. However, I think that it reflects poorly on the studio, which is why I won't be seeing it at all (well, that and the fact that the film doesn't seem like something I'd want to see anyway, regardless of how much money the producers donated to charity).

I didn't give this subject that much thought at first, because, as emotionally manipulative a film as World Trade Center seems to be, I still had some faith that people weren't just profting off of 9/11 for the hell of it. But as I was watching TV yesterday afternoon, I saw a commercial for this product that made me change my mind about that. I think that the exact point that something is being totally exploited for money is when a commemorative coin is made for it. And, boy, does this coin really take the cake when it comes to commemorative coins. See the Twin Towers rise from the ashes with .999 pure silver recovered from Ground Zero!! I mean, wow. Is this really how people want to remember 9/11? It must be if companies are willing to make and sell these things.

I have to admit, though, that as I've given this subject some deeper thought just now, I've been wondering more and more... are the companies who do this really wrong for making these products? Are they so wrong for seeing an altogether obvious need and rushing to fill that need? I mean, isn't that what capitalism is all about? Filling the needs of the people?

This got me to thinking about some more needs that need to be filled. The public is big on massive, real-life traumatic events right now - they worship them, they crave them - but in an avenue where they can feel safe about remembering them. Because, really, do people want to remember these events in the confines of their own dark, addled minds, or do they want a solid object that represents all of the hope that springs from the ashes of these traumas in an easy-to-carry form? I think that the answer is quite obvious.

But 9/11 is nearing overexposure. How long will it be until people no longer want to see 9/11 movies, buy 9/11 commemorative coins, or take part in 9/11 promotional contests for soft drinks? The public knows what it wants, but they are a fickle bunch. 9/11 is big now, but how long will America's love affair with 9/11 products last? Which is why we must make the jump while we still can. With all of the hullabaloo about 9/11, what big, traumatic event has been left in the dust? What disaster is just waiting for people to remember it?

Hurricane Katrina, of course.

So, my friends, I am ecstatic to announce my plans to write, develop, and publish my very own Hurricane Katrina Feel-good Pop-Up Book!! That's right, everyone! In the comfort of your own home, and with the flip of a page, you can see New Orleans rise from the wrath of God's holiest of punishments in all its majestic glory, cleansed of all sins as per the Good Lord's ultimate plan for the human race! And, wait, who is that on the roof of the tallest building in town with his arms raised skyward in thanks to our Holy Father? Why, it's none other than our great president, George W. Bush, overseeing New Orleans' climb back to glory!!

You, good friend, yes, you, can soon buy this magnificent one-page commemorative pop-up book for the low, low price of $29.95. But, wait, there's more! If you order now, I'll throw in, absolutely free, a beautiful set of kitchen utensils confiscated directly from one of those dirty looters! What a deal!! And to sweeten it for you, 10% of the profits from the first 72 hours of sales will be donated to charity!! Wow!!!!!

For this once-in-a-lifetime offer just call (555) 555-5555. Once again: (555) 555-5555.

You won't regret it.
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Saturday, August 12, 2006

Quentin Tarantino Is... The Rapist
I signed up for an RPG ( No More Coffee) for the first time God knows how long... I don't even remember the last RPG I was in lol. I know that I signed up for Contact, but that never got off the ground, unfortunately, due to how busy Lady A. became. Hmm. *does quick search* Ha, the last RPG I was in was Alex's Rebel Scum... man, that was a long time ago. Anyway, No More Coffee should be fun - it's humor-based (which is really the only type of RPG I care to participate in at this point lol), it should be reasonably short, and it'll get me back into the habit of writing things besides blog posts and the occasional article (not that I don't love those so very much :P).

Lately I've been reading more about a movie that I'm looking forward to very much... a few of you have probably heard about it and are eagerly anticipating it as well. It's called Grind House and what's interesting about it is that it will consist of two feature-length segments: One will be a zombie film called Planet Terror that will be written and directed by Robert Rodriguez; the other will be a slasher film called Death Proof that will be written and directed by Quentin Tarantino. Also included will be a series of trailers advertising fake films in various genres, such as blaxploitation, sexploitation, kung fu, and spaghetti western.

Honestly, I see nothing to suggest that this won't be awesome. The trailers might be worth the price of admission alone, but the features should also be pretty damn good. Robert Rodriguez is coming off directing Sin City, so he's got some nice momentum going, and I'm very interested to see Tarantino's interpretation of the slasher genre. At the very least, you know that there will be like ten billion random references to obscure slasher films! I kid, I kid. Maybe five billion at the most. Also, if the concept of the fake trailers weren't enough to convince you that Grind House is going to be tongue-in-cheek, Tarantino announced at Comic-con that Kurt Russell will be playing the part of Stuntman Mike, the slasher in Death Proof. A stuntman slasher, yay!

Other news... um... my Choose Your Own Adventure research isn't going so well right now lol. Not only did I forget to look for them when I went to the library last week (whoops), but also when I looked this week, I found a whopping one book. Argh. I should've just requested a bunch of them instead of clinging to the hope that the libraries would have continued to hold onto them after all these years. Me = dumb.

In brighter happenings, MST3K is back!!!!! Well, not quite. But the basic concept of it is. Recently, Michael J. Nelson joined Legend Films as their Chief Content Producer. His biggest project for Legend thus far has been RiffTrax.com, a site where Mike records DVD commentaries (in MP3 format) for various films. The best part about it is that since each commentary is legally just an audio file, there's no rights negotiation involved and basically every film ever made is available for Mike to mock. So far Mike has done exclusive commentaries for two films (Road House and The Fifth Element), along with three commentaries he did that were included as extras on the Legend Films' versions of Plan 9 from Outer Space, Reefer Madness, and Night of the Living Dead (one of these doesn't belong... try to guess which one!).

After watching MST3K for so long, it's weird to hear Mike all by himself, but it's still pretty funny. Even better, the site's been dropping hints that perhaps Kevin Murphy (Tom Servo) or Bill Corbett (Crow), or perhaps even both (!!!), may one day join Mike for a RiffTrax commentary. I would shed many a tear were that to take place.

And that's about it from me. Remember: Snakes on a Plane this Friday!! Hopefully near-overexposure won't ruin the experience. :P

P.S. " Layla" is a great song.
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Monday, August 7, 2006

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie
Registration went smoothly for the most part. I tried to get into a Photography class (been trying to do so for almost two years now; it's ridiculous lol), but by the time I was able to register, the only class available conflicted with a class that I absolutely have to take this quarter. So, that was a no go, unfortunately. Otherwise, this registration session was much less stressful than the norm. I had to make a couple of changes to my preferred schedule, but I was expecting that, so it was no big deal. Now it's time to wait a month and a half for school to begin again!!

Anyway, uh, movie post today, just because! Marvel at the movie poster, read the luscious descriptions and witty, crackling prose with awe, and then stop looking at all of those other web sites and go back to reading mine!

(My first time chucking one of these on here. Basically these movie posts are (very) casual reviews, because I don't like going into 'zomg haughty reviewer' mode very often. If you're at all curious, I've also made posts about Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Videodrome, Oldboy (my most recommended read, because I really hated that movie), Mystery Train, Clue, Duck Soup, and Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. Though you could always skip the posts entirely and just see the movies, haha (except Oldboy, unless you were to mock it heavily).)

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie was hyped up massively by fans of MST3K before its release, though reaction to it these days is decidedly mixed, for various reasons. When I watch the film, however, I try to keep in mind everything that Best Brains (MST3K's production company) had to work against, which included several restrictions placed on the film and the departure of Frank Conniff (aka TV's Frank, Dr. Forrester's henchman), who had been around since the early days of MST3K; remembering that, I'm able to appreciate that the MST3K movie actually ended up being as good as it is.

The story of the MST3K movie, such as it is, remains virtually unchanged from the premise of the show: A mad scientist named Dr. Forrester (Trace Beaulieu) forces a former temp worker, Mike Nelson (Michael J. Nelson), to watch terrible movies as an experiment to see which awful film will finally drive Mike to madness (in this case, it's This Island Earth), whereupon Dr. Forrester will use the film to take over the world. In order to keep his tenuous grip on his sanity, Mike mocks the films with his robot friends, Tom Servo (voiced and puppeteered by Kevin Murphy) and Crow T. Robot (Trace Beaulieu). During the occasional breaks, the three perform skits that may or may not be related to the film, sometimes with the help of Gypsy (puppeteered by Patrick Brantseg, voiced by Jim Mallon), who takes care of the "higher functions" on the Satellite of Love (the ship Dr. Forrester keeps them on).

Probably the most common complaint about the MST3K movie is that the riffing is generally not up to the high MST3K standard, which I both agree and disagree with to a certain extent. It's certainly a fact that the references made during the film are "dumbed down" a bit: In an attempt to appeal to a more general audience, Gramercy Pictures, the distributor of the film, insisted that much of the film's material be made more accessible. Many of the references made during the course of the movie are easily recognizable if you have a decent pop culture mind. In addition to that, some riffs were made more vulgar than is the norm on the show so that the film would be rated PG-13 (Tom Servo says 'shit' probably two or three times, with only one of those lines being at all funny*, and there are a few direct drug references).

However, I don't think that more recognizable references automatically = less humor. It's a lot of fun to deduce just where the hell some of the obscure references on MST3K originate, or even to be one of the few whom recognize an especially bizarre one without looking it up, but it's not as if that alone makes them good jokes. MST3K: The Movie's references are still pretty sharp and funny, and, in my opinion, sometimes rank with some of the best runs on the show (the string of breakfast food-related references when Dr. Meecham is doing his experiment, silly as they are, make me laugh as much as anything I've seen on MST3K). And as was the norm during the Mike-era on MST3K, the non-reference jokes really shined. Mike was always a much more overtly sarcastic host than Joel, and the 'bots during his time were more likely to rip on the poor quality of the films shown and the less than stellar intelligence of the film's characters; This Island Earth is no exception. Their treatment is not as brutal an affair as they sometimes were in the Sci-Fi era, but the movie really does get what's coming to it (especially regarding the film's blatantly terrible science).

Another general criticism about the movie is that This Island Earth really isn't that bad of a film (another request Gramercy made), at least by MST3K's infamous standards. Admittedly, with its innovative (for the time) special effects, high production values, and some name stars, This Island Earth is one of the best movies shown during MST3K's run (if not the best). Really, though, that's like saying Resident Evil: Apocalypse is the best film among a group that includes Super Mario Bros., Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, and Street Fighter: The Movie. This Island Earth has a story that has to beg to be called average, hilariously dated dialogue and overacting, and incredibly dopey characters who apparently have to work to conclude that Exeter and the rest of his giant-foreheaded crew are aliens (and just so that the audience can keep up with the labyrinthine plot, several audience-insulting "clues" are neatly laid in concerning Exeter's "hidden identity," such as his not knowing who Mozart is). This Island Earth may not be that bad, but it certainly isn't good either and rightfully deserves its mocking.

Perhaps the only gripe about MST3K: The Movie that I agree with 100% is that the film is disappointingly short. The film's modest length is due to the worries of Gramercy officials who noted that their test audiences apparently became bored with the movie's concept about 75 minutes in, and Gramercy thus wanted Best Brains to cut the movie down. At around 73 minutes, the film is twenty minutes shorter than an average episode of MST3K (without commercials, mind), and less than an hour of that is dedicated to film commentary, so This Island Earth is chopped to hell. Besides there being much less commentary, though, the theater stuff doesn't suffer too badly; however, the host segments aren't so lucky. There isn't much time in the film to dedicate to them, so the result is that, other than a few amusing moments, the host segments are just sort of there.

Really, many of the demands Gramercy made were pretty big errors in audience judgment... while the film was being groomed for general audiences, the restrictions placed on the film and confusion over the film's release date (though that's more on Universal than Gramercy) worked to alienate its core audience (nerds, basically). When it came time for the movie to be released, it had a limited release in certain "college towns"; the film would stay in one place for about a week or two before moving on to the next city. This resulted in many fans not even knowing that the movie had been released, and by the time they found out, it would likely be long gone. Pretty unfortunate.

Anyway, although MST3K: The Movie has its fair share of flaws and overall is not as good as the better episodes of MST3K, it's still a good, funny movie all on its own, and I think that it would be a solid introduction to MST3K for anyone who never watched the series (especially given how expensive the DVDs are). And if you're an MSTie who has evaded the film due to some bad reviews, then it's time to take the plunge and watch it. At the very least, you know that you'll get gold in the theater segments and the riffing of MST3K: The Movie's credits is a lot of fun too (and it makes me wish that The Amazing Rando were an actual MST3K character).

*For the record, that line is Servo's "Whoop-de-shit" response to two of the scientists in Exeter's hangout extolling the qualifications of the other scientists whom Exeter invited to help with his "plan to end war." The pure malice in Servo's voice totally sells that line for me.
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Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Return of the ...Guy
Hey, what, me posting on here?? Huh?? What's going on??

Yes, I finally decided that it might be worthwhile to post any regular Shinmaru Zone nonsense I make here at myOtaku as well. I would much rather you visit my regular site, but if you'd rather just keep to myOtaku, then I'll make it easier for you to keep up on my non-stop boring antics. Fun for the whole family! :D

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Been a while since the last post, eh? I've been sort of busy lately, but like other people there just isn't enough going on in my life right now to inspire me to post. Summer sucks all of the energy out of me... if only the motivational posters in that thread on OB were actually motivational, then I might actually feel like getting something done.

I did play tennis yesterday for the first time in over two years. And holy crap was I ever awful. I hit a few decent strokes, but other than that, I stunk it up big time. Should've expected that, of course (it's been two years, after all, and I was only decent at tennis in the first place), but still. Afterwards, I was sort of glad that not many people showed up - the less people who saw my embarrassing performance, the better. However, I can take solace in the fact that nobody else did much better than I did, so in a way it was like being slightly below average rather than mind-numbingly awful.

Also, I've been doing my tri-annual planning for my class schedule for the quarter, but I'll spare you a cynical rant on the subject because I'm actually fairly optimistic about it right now! Due to my newfound status as a third-year student, I register for classes much earlier this year than I was able to last year, so I think that I'll be able to secure the classes that I want with relatively little fuss. I just hope that writing that sentence just now hasn't totally jinxed things, because that would be rather inconvenient.

For some reason my brother and sister decided to thoroughly clean their room, and they did a pretty good job of it. Cleaning your room can be a weird experience, though, especially if you're a pack rat, since you'll often find stuff that you a) have not seen for years or b) didn't even know that you had in the first place. My brother found a couple of items of interest that fit the b criteria for me - allow me to share them with you...

At first glance, they're just ordinary children's books based on The Legend of Zelda... specifically, Oracle of Ages and Oracle of Seasons (like that was hard to figure out). I noticed the 'winning strategies and tips' declaration on the front, and I flipped through the books half-heartedly, vaguely absorbing the tips offered within. Presenting tips and strategies via narrative is certainly an unusual method, although it actually isn't completely unheard of: In fact, that's the scheme that Nintendo Power employed for their Ocarina of Time strategy guide (albeit with much more emphasis on the tips and strategy than on the narrative), so it wasn't too big of a deal to me.

However, after actually looking at the books in some detail, I saw that they aren't just strategy guides disguised as narratives: They're strategy guides disguised as Choose Your Own Adventure books! My first thought was, "Wow, people still write these?" Then I realized, well, of course people still write them - Choose Your Owns were very popular for a long time (I know that I read tons of them), and they could still be popular for all I know, so why not capitalize on their popularity? (Apparently Nintendo actually had a series of these - the Oracle of Ages book advertises the next in the series, which is based on Wario Land 4, though the book is simply called Warioland.)

What sucks, though, is that the emphasis on tips and strategies for the games makes these books pretty much the easiest Choose Your Owns ever. Every choice one should make in the books are obvious (hmm, should I jump over the razor-sharp-propeller-lined chasm to reach the switch or find some other way of hitting it, such as, say, the boomerang or the bow and arrow??), and you don't even get to choose anything when Link fights the bosses! Once he finds them, the book takes things out of your hands and has Link automatically beat them. How boring. At least with regular Choose Your Owns there were several different paths and outcomes that you could go through, and the choices weren't always as obvious (which meant that some retconning would be done if an unfavorable ending were stumbled upon - don't act like you didn't do it too!).

So, yeah, as strategy guides and as Choose Your Owns, these two books are failures. In both instances, one would be better served getting the real thing instead. I'm wondering, though, has anyone ever seen these Nintendo Choose Your Own Strategy Guides before? (Desbreko, I'm looking in your direction.) I know that there were Super Mario Bros. Choose Your Owns (I have a couple of them), but those were 100% Choose Your Owns. I didn't even know that these existed until my brother unearthed them. Hm.

Bizarrely, these actually got me interested in doing some sort of Choose Your Own Adventure nostalgia article for Orange Lazarus (which you all should totally visit btw). When I go to the library on Friday, I think that I'll check out a bunch of Choose Your Owns... that is, if they haven't all been sold off by now.

I've also been reading Mike Nelson's Mind Over Matters by, of course, Michael J. Nelson. Basically it's a collection of short essays in which Mike humorously ruminates on various subjects. My favorite so far is probably the essay where Mike expresses his pessimism towards the actual value of pessimism in real world situations. ("Most people just dabble in pessimism, of course, choosing to apply it at times when something is required of them. 'All right, let's move that piano,' says a friend. 'What's the point?' responds the pessimist. 'The universe is a cruel joke and we're all going to die.' Yet the same person, when handed a really good imported beer, won't say, 'No. You keep your delicious porter. Life is never-ending suffering and there is no balm in Gilead.'") Other highlights include the awkwardness of writing business letters and Mike's less than stellar career in musical theatre.

It's all mostly regular stuff, but Mike's such a sharp writer that he makes it all hilarious. Reading Mind Over Matters has made Mr. Nelson even cooler to me than he was before, because his writing includes just about every humor device that's ever appealed to me (heavy sarcasm, irony, bizarre puns/turns of phrase, overdramatization and subsequent humiliation, characters (such as they are) taking orders too literally, sudden shifts in character interaction, etc.). It's easy to get into, as well, since you really don't have to read the essays in any sort of order to enjoy them. They all stand on their own quite well. If you're looking for something to make you laugh at the absurdity of life (and who isn't?), then I humbly recommend Mind Over Matters.

I wanted to read Mike Nelson's Movie Megacheese and A Year at the Movies by Kevin Murphy, as well, but that was a no go, unfortunately. My faith in the library system is shattered. :(

Anyway, that's all from me. Hunger > posting more nonsense.
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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Anime Expo, Day Two: Part Two
Hello, and welcome again! Now we've come to the final reflection on my two days at Anime Expo. It truly is a sad day... or not if these posts just annoy you. :P

Anyway, uh, no big intro because this heatwave is quickly removing any motivation I have to write anything at all. Also I'll just be doing random comments on most of the pictures because 1) This was the point in the day where we were mostly just taking pictures and 2) It's still hot, damn it.

These two were the only pair cosplaying as Mario and Luigi who weren't in a big hurry when I saw them. The suspendresses are a nice touch (I can make up words :O!), and the inclusion of the Yoshi plushie is always welcome (the poor guy must be dead tired after Mario is done with him though). These two ladies don't have the trademark Mario Bros. mustaches, but there's some mustachioed goodness coming up later if you're a big fan of the 'stache.





Weird looking figure: To me, it looks like a combination Darth Vader/Terminator. Come to think of it, though, a Terminator with Darth Vader's voice and mannerisms would be pretty cool. "*breath* Come with me if you want to live, my son. *breath*" Also, that is one long ass finger - does he really need them to be that long? I don't think so. Those legs are looking pretty bizarre too... like pipe cleaners coated in metal. And his cape looks like a cheese grater.

Okay, enough ragging on Darth Terminator. >_>





Vincent saw this cosplayer and immediately shouted out, "CAT!!!!!" The poor boy is obsessed with them. He then kept nudging my sister along so that he could take a picture of her with the cat lol. We had to wait a while, though, because, as often happens, a small crowd had formed and people were rotating in and out so that they could get pictures of each other. But we got our picture eventually, as you can see.

I always wonder how people can walk around in these giant costumes all day; I hope that he/she had a way of cooling off in there lol. And a couple of people traveling around in case he/she fell over.





As my sister pointed out to me, the best part of this picture is that it looks like the Pikachu head is eating the cosplayer. It's like a boa constrictor eating a warthog. The guy is hilarious in this picture: "Help me, please! Can you not see that I am being eaten alive??" His arms stretch out for help, yet nobody offers.

I'm sure that the Pikachu finished its meal long ago by this point; the circle of life is complete.





Nothing much to say here, except, uh, nice costumes. I like the red shoes. Also, the guy on the left looks like he's ready to spring into action at any moment... though to what action, I'm not sure.





This is perhaps the closest I've dared to approach ADV's Super Cult of Doom. Lots of freebies were thrown out, and everyone was going nuts in a horrible moshpit orgy of fanboy insanity, elbowing and shoving each other in order to have a decent opportunity to snag some free crap. You see, free shit = more valuable than gold at conventions. And when it's not just OFFICIAL free shit but OFFICIAL free shit thrown from the heavens, well, it's fight or die. It's law. Ape Law.

While all this was going on, I took the opportunity to heckle the people throwing down all of those glorious free goodies, much like I do every year. Lots of "Throw it over here, you wuss!!" and "You've got at least one muscle in your arm, right??" Nothing too harsh because I'm trying to be a decent role model for my siblings. They won't lace their insults with any of my gutter language. Anyway, to my surprise, one of the guys throwing shirts actually threw one as far as he could, and it landed a few feet behind me. I turned around, ran to the shirt, and picked it up; I saw the people in the group turn around immediately, and I also heard their disappointed groans as they saw me picking up the shirt. To be honest, there were more than a few laughs at their expense afterwards. Better luck next year, losers. In the meantime, me > you.

The shirt sucks, by the way. It's a gray and blue Anime Network shirt that announces the channel's imminent launch as "6/2004." Boy can I not wait for two years ago to finally arrive!!





Here's Vincent posing with two girls. But what's this?? Could he be possibly looking at the girl on the left rather than the girl in the middle?? Which pair of ears enchant him more?? I do not know! He'd better decide quickly, though, because these two ladies look deceivingly dangerous. SHE'S GOT A STICK.





This is me being sprayed by Mew and Beat of Jet Grind Radio fame. The sheer force of their graffito tagging is pushing me away from them. Yet I cannot help but look at the camera and make a face as if everything is in control.

Uh, yeah. These two were among my favorite cosplayers at the convention: Their costumes are pretty accurate, and, really, they just look cool. I didn't get to see them skate around and tag up any walls, though, unfortunately.





The main subject of this picture is supposed to be the guy dressed as Midvalley the Hornfreak from Trigun. He, along with a couple of other people, played a few kickass tunes on his saxophone, including the Legend of Zelda theme song, the Super Mario Bros. theme, and "Tank!" (Cowboy Bebop's theme), which garnered a standing ovation from the crowd. Those anime fans really love their theme music.





HEY LOOK EVERYONE IT'S DESBREKO!!!!!

Ha, not quite, but there is sort of a resemblance, isn't there?

You know, I actually find this costume a bit endearing, because it's so obviously homemade (and also because it's still better than any costume I could make... except the pirate costume, of course). The guy's shield is cracking in half, his "boots" look nothing like actual boots, and those ears... lol. His dedication must be admired. However, I will say that that's a pretty decent design on the shield; much better than I could ever manage, anyway. I'd probably find some way to turn the Triforce into stick figures.





Haha, I didn't notice her in the picture until just now, but the Gothachu amuses me. Why do yellow, fuzzy, eletrical creatures go so well with an interest in the arcane and the occult? We may never know.

Anyway, I'm informed by my sister that this cosplayer is dressing as Sakura from Tsubasa: RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE. If I actually read it, I might have more to say here. Ta ta!





I chased around someone cosplaying as Alucard from Castlevania: Symphony of the Night last year, but I was unable to procure a photo (I had to settle for Alucard from Hellsing, blah). But, as you can see, I was successful in my effort this year! I like this Alucard more, anyway; this costume is far more ornate and the cape is badass as hell (not to mention the boots - ooh la la). George Costanza would love it. Those eyes are pretty freaky though. Mostly you saw those eyes being worn by Naruto cosplayers, but other people found use for them as well. None, however, were not frightening.





Yes, no screwing around with a cryptic intro - I'm jumping right into the Man Faye without any warning at all (but not literally, though, because that would just be gross). For whatever reason, Vincent is a ginormous Man Faye devotee, and we went hunting for him in and out of the convention center until we caught up with him outside. He was only too happy to take a picture with two lovely ladies right before this, but, as you can see, he is somewhat less enthusiastic to be posing with Vincent. I don't know why... perhaps all of that walking finally caught up to him in a very unpleasant way. If you know what I mean.

Anyway, uh, let's move on, shall we?





Hahaha, you thought that you were finished, eh? You fools. You are never finished!! Well, actually, I thought that I was finished with Man Faye, but Man Faye + Katamaris proved to be too intriguing a mix to pass up. I'm sorry, everyone. Anyway, Man Faye attempted to sit on the ball at first, but it threatened to give completely under his weight, so he and the Katamaris had a compromise which led to the photo you see here. Isn't compromise wonderful?

Tangent: If I had one of those Katamari balls I'd stick the most random stuff onto it. You'd probably see me walking around with praying mantises, Furbies, Spock ears, and pictures of Henry Higgins stuck to mine. And that'd just be on one side (or as close to a "side" as you could get with a spherical object)! With some tape, a little elbow grease, and a lot of hard work, I bet that you could stick anything onto those little things!

Okay, now I'm really done with Man Faye.





It was at this point in the day that I realized that I did not have the requisite picture of Naruto cosplayers, so, uh here you are... Naruto and Sasuke for your viewing pleasure. Or displeasure. Whichever.





I don't know why it still surprises me that Pokemon cosplaying is still popular even though the popularity of the anime ran its course long ago. There were plenty of Ash cosplayers, and quite a few people dressing up as Misty, but the guy on the left was the only Brock that I remember seeing. The best part of this photo, of course, is that Brock up there has his eyes closed. If you squint real hard, he looks just sort of like Brock for a few seconds.





I took this picture a bit too late: Everyone had been dogpiling/wailing on that very tall Vash the Stampede cosplayer, but there was such a large crowd of people that I couldn't take a decent photo. So, sadly, you are all stuck with this. I'm sorry. :(





This is the Sign Guild. Its origins are simple: A few people with signs decided to band together, and then more people began joining in and their numbers kept on growing. I don't think that this was even the height of their membership; they were loud, proud, and hardcore about recruiting people with signs.

You can see Vincent there on the bottom right - they pulled him in for the one picture, but he kept hiding from them whenever they would come around again because they were a very frightening, coercive people. He especially hid from Big Kaidoh since he would have been the only person who could recognize Vincent (he's the one who pulled him in there in the first place).





I told you that you'd see more mustache, didn't I?? That right there is a 'stache to not only rival William Howard Taft's, but to annihilate the damn thing. It makes my dinky little mustache shrivel up and cry in shame and then stuffs it into a locker. Also, clearly I am not the only person who is fascinated by the holy mustache - the girl sitting beside The 'Stache cannot pry her eyes from its bushy glory.

The choice is obvious: Give in to the powers of the mustache or die.





This guy is a highly annoying host of some sort who ran around interviewing various people. In this picture, however, he's not doing any interviewing; instead, he's jumping up and down and dancing like an idiot while the saxophonists play a few songs. Thankfully, he was not carrying around his microphone while he was doing this, because I don't think that I could've stood both his dance and his horrible, squealing voice at the same time.





Yep, a bodyguard who accepts hugs for payment; he's a very sensitive bodyguard, apparently. What will they think of next? He must have been giving out some pretty violent hugs-for-hire, though, because his sign is looking a little worse for wear. Or perhaps it's simply due to his propensity for hugging his enemies just before he aces them with a bullet through the head. That arrogant son of a bitch.





The last picture! This fine young gentleman is of course Dr. Salvador from Resident Evil 4. He'd already beheaded one or two attendees prior to this photo (note the bloody chainsaw), and he charged quite fiercely at me, swinging said chainsaw madly through the air, but I was able to snap this photo and escape with only minor damage. After this, Doc Salvador was interviewed by the annoying interviewer, whom he then beheaded. Everyone wins! (In my dreams.)

And there you have it. My siblings and I went home and jabbered endlessly about the good, the bad, and the ugly at AX while also savoring our purchases. Good times were had by all (especially J.J. Evans) and more of the same is sure to be ahead next year at Long Beach. Until then, keep circulating the tapes good night, and good luck keep staring at the mustache, because it will see you through your troubles.

So long!
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