Sunday, April 9, 2006
First and foremost, I don't how long it'll be this post, it may be short or perhaps long, its almost 2 am, I'm exhausted/lethargic, although I do need to pour my thoughts on here or I explode as well heh.
So that's why I'm telling you first hand, read it if you want, if you don't its alright I don't care.
In this last few days its been a tremendous pressure, very stressfull and very body strenght/mind consuming too, ya know since the work I'm doing demands lifting some heavy stuff/cleaning/keep smilling and cheerfull as ever when you do feel like collapsing to the floor lol, but the company its not really bad.
I have quite a laughs there almost everyday and some people even do make me feel better everytime I do something wrong [I get pretty annoyed with myself when I error heh I'm quite perfeccionist I think], though I'm still on the two weeks tryout ya know, and its really stressfull to give your best everyday and show how good you are for that job for at least keep it for next months not like forever but just for a couple of months. Its quite tiring and the stress of doing it so heh almost kill me, things at home are a bit strange lately too, I don't want to talk about that, its personnal and I'm sure is just a phase, it'll pass.
And of course to keep things even more complicated and also keep the stress higher I feel like I'm against the wall with a sword in my throat and someone's ready to strike depending on my answer.
I've got another place where I was invited to work, its far more lighter than what I'm doing now, maybe less stressfull, BUT I don't seemed to like the people who were working there, they looked at me like I was somekind of....hmmm I don't know, they seemed like snobs? Don't get me wrong maybe someone who's snob are nice as well, but ya know, the people I work with now treat me so nice, I'm the very first 20 year girl they had working there, they really care for me, their even are cheering me to give my best at college and never give up my dreams and just keep dreaming and living on, never looking back or regreating ever what I've done before, "past is past there's no need to keep remind it, just look forward for the future and live the fullest the present", one of them told me that. I'm like their baby girl ya know? I feel really loved and cozy there, even though the job are bellow my degree of intelligence, its not challeging is just quite simple hard at the sametime and annoying sometimes too.
Besides I gave them my word, I feel like they will do all they can to keep me there for the time being you know till school beguins and stuff.
But mom keeps telling me it might not happen and I should decide to leave and grab the other job while I still can, I know she wants me the best, I know that I may be better at the other job, though will I be treated like those nice middle ladies treat me?And most of all will they let me stay there for the months I'm asking for?
I have till tuesday to decide what should I do, and this is killing me, I haven't told the ladies about the other job proposal and everytime I go to work I feel like I'm lying to them and that just...kills me.
Part of me beggs me stay, but my body beggs me to go away....I just don't know what to do, I can't think straight anymore. I wanna make everyone happy, the ladies, my family, the job guys, and in the end myself.
I hate pressure, I hate to decide, I always choose the wrong choice, always!And I always suffer so hard after... this is just to much...