Birthday 1989-10-23 Gender
Female Location keep portland weird! Member Since 2004-08-02 Occupation irresponsible semi-adult Real Name Julie
Achievements graduating high school with honors, speak/write/read fair Japanese, travel Anime Fan Since 5th grade~ish Favorite Anime となりのトトロ (Totoro), Howl's Moving Castle, Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke, Perfect Blue, and Akira. Goals save the rainforest, of course Hobbies music, sleeping, reading, writing, drawing, walking, animals Talents i'm good with animals
Welcome to my site archives. 10 posts are listed per page.
i can't decide
i can't decide if this is worse than hurting. i am feeling nothing. nine inch nails is tomorrow and i don't really care. finals week and i don't care. going home and i don't care. haven't talked to antonio lately and i don't care. everything and i don't care
i don't care and i don't care, except for a little bit i do. but not enough. i should be worried, but i am not. i'm numb. i kind of want to go kill myself. or cut myself again. just to make something feel something. but no i won't do that
i refuse to do that. but i don't care right now. it would be annoying if i could feel anything to anyone.thank you! Comments (0) |
So, Thanksgiving break was pretty lame. I stayed at home by myself and rotted. but that Matt came over with food for me. A nice gesture, but, um...I HATE it when people pity me. So i was kind of mad.
Anyway, on Sunday, NINE INCH NAILS!!!!!!!!!!!! woo!!!!!!!!!
second time this year, yeahhhh
Did I tell you I got a 95% on my second statistics midterm, and an 90% on my second environmental systems midterm. However, I am sad that I didn't do better on that. that 90% is with 6 extra credit points =( why did I do so badly???
Goddamn i fucking hate feeling like this. i feel like shit. not sick, but as in a bad person.
but dammit, i feel awful. and sad. depressed. worst feeling ever. it makes me so slow and tired and dead.
i'm thinking of breaking up with antonio. not just for my sake; it's not that I particularly want to break up with him. I still love him, very much. it's just, i know where we're headed. i have things that i want to do, that i don't think he does.
and i'm so far away, it's hard. it isn't fair of me to expect him to wait around for me, and i can tell he's worn down too. i want to tell him soon, before i lose my nerve, but i don't want to never see him again, either. maybe if i still feel the same way over winter break, i will talk to him.
i don't know. it's really sad. it hurts me, but i can't keep trying to make everyone happy. i can't make myself happy, and i can't make him happy, i don't want to be with anyone else, but this just plain isn't working.
if he doesn't want to break up, if he wants to try harder, then we will keep trying. but i'm worn out by always pretending to be cheerful, and trying so hard to be happy, and constantly feeling like i'm failing.
like he says, it isn't always about me. but what the fuck else am i supposed to talk about, when he won't EVER talk about himself. i know he's depressed and i am scared to death of hurting him. but in the long run, it'll probably be better this way.
i don't know. we probably won't break up. but for now, i am so stressed about school and shit, i don't have time to play any games. he never has anything to say to me, he never calls me, he never texts me first, none of it. so i'm going to wait until i feel better or he wants to talk to me.
not with just antonio, but everyone, i get so goddamn fucking tired of being the one to reach out and being rejected. so fucking tired of it. so fuck it. to my sister, my dad, my best friend, antonio, any of them, right now, fuck it. i am too worn out to give a shit.
...okay that is a big fucking lie but i'm so tired of being rejected and hurt that i want to believe it.thank you! Comments (0) |
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I am so damn tired of selfish people
If you didn't know, last year before moving into my dorm, I was supposed to be rooming with "Brooke" but then she canceled last minute and I got Becky.
Thank God, because Becky is an amazing, fun, sweet, nice, and mellow person, and she and I got on amazingly well. I mean, I'm mellow and passive and good roommate material, but still. what we had worked, and worked well.
Also, Thank GOD because that girl Brooke, she and I would have just NOT got along. At ALL. I met her once in person, it was January, and cold. She was wearing a track suit because she'd been playing tennis. We were outside walking and it was cold and she was complaining about being cold so I offered her my jacket. She said, "no thanks. i have one but it's from ambercrombie and it wouldn't match and i'd die."
that was what made me seriously dislike her. What made me hate her is her brazen admittance that she "doesn't care about the environment." Sorry. But I hate people that don't care about the environment even just a lick.
So...you don't like to hike? look at flowers? climb trees? play with animals? breathe air? drink water? live on Earth? fine. leave. go. we're better off without you.
I mean, it's one thing to be poor and starving and dying -you can't care about anything much when you're in a bad state like that, just trying to eek out enough to survive. I don't hate those people who don't care, because I think that if they were alright for themselves, they WOULD care. And in fact, from what I've seen, even the poorest people in the world DO care about the environment. or at least keeping it maintained so that they can maintain themselves.
I mean, really, what the fuck do you think we're supposed to do if we ruin the world we live in? Think we can just clean the air once it's been all dirtied? What are we going to do for clean, fresh water? it's really hard to desalinate water. Where are we going to LIVE if we pollute and ruin everything? We're dead meat if we don't care about the environment and do something about it. DEAD MEAT.
People only care about money, people who have the means to make a huge, positive difference, but chose to be selfish. I can't understand the materialism that so many people have. I mean, I like to get stuff like books and...books. and animals. Stuff is fine. But eventually, i get fucking tired of it taking up space and making a mess and I don't do anything with it anyway.
I can understand the desire to be rich; everyone is lazy when you get down to it. I personally want to be rich so that I can help people/the environment. You know, start programs for homeless people to get back on their feet. Pay poor farmers in where-ever to grow sustainable crops. Do something more than just sending a random check to someone. Which is good, don't get me wrong, but I feel like you can do more if you get personally involved. Also, I want to travel. That's why I want to be rich.
I don't want to be rich so i can have a big house and a bunch of cars and a nanny and a maid and a chef and expensive clothes and all this yadda yadda yadda. I don't want any of that. I want to live simply and humbly and try to improve the world.
I can't tell people what to do. But I can damn well wish that they weren't so selfish and shallow. "OMG i could NOT go into Hollister dressed like this, i would DIE." (*also something brooke said). I kind of hate humanity. I don't truly hate any individual people, but if you look at all the evils committed out there by people, it's beyond words, it's a choking feeling. It's HORRIBLE. And people did all those horrible things to other people. Sometimes in the name of GOD. Which offends me all the more because GOD is...GOD and people try to blame their evil and selfishness on Him.
Oh and I sure hope people come to realize that being gay is actually kind of a GOOD thing. And accept them happily. I mean, don't encourage anyone to be who they aren't, but if somebody's gay, they should be given a bag of cookies or something. Because the planet has too many people, and the more gay people there are, the less people there are to be out there making accident-babies (like me). If they want a biological child, that's cool. if they want to adopt, please let them!
I don't get why they don't let gays adopt children...essentially homeless, unloved, family-less child would be give a home, love, and a family. maybe even a dog or a cat. or something cool like a turtle. We could give so many needy children homes where they would be treasured like they should be. it's not like they are going to be "turned" gay.thank you! Comments (0) |
Sunday, November 9, 2008
why do people keep making terrible movies?
i mean, i guess they must make SOME money, but there are so many terrible movies out there >_>
Although, yesterday, I did see Sword of Doom, an old 1960's samurai film. It had Toshiro Mifune (ooh sexy) and Tatsuya Nakadai in it. =D delicious. it was a...very weird movie >_>
Oh shit and now American Dad is ripping off The Warriors. God, I loved that movie.
Anyway. I got a good deal on a jacket Saturday. I still have a bunch of homework to do. fuck.
Ummm I hate my stats teacher, he's an ass. won't give us a 5 minute break for the duration of a 2 hour class.
xDDDDDDDDDDD LMAO at this American Dad xDDDDDDDD LMAO I love random Goth references. **so goth**
all i ate all weekend was halloween candy and leftover jello.
it was a miracle, though!!! i got a 94/100 on my environmental systems midterm!!!!!!! i was shocked. but i don't know how i did on my stats one...i scared >_> lol
but anyway, halloween was fun. at the party, we watched saw, snacked, talked, joked, had a contest, and then it disbanded. but it was fun. some pictures:
my super adorable cat being a witch
I was an abortion clinic nurse, complete with aborted baby
some of the people who attended the party and dressed up
me and TJ drinking milk...yup milk
and then here's some shots from today, Emily and I being weird
LOL we have a dorky-ass video of us playing with puppets too, but i'll show you later
today on campus there were the anti-abortion people. i sure see them and their dead babies a lot more than i see the pro-choice people.
me, i'm pro-choice because even though it would destroy me (even more than rape) to have an abortion, i cannot decide what's right for other women.
that said, I'm abortion-as-a-last-resort, pro-LOTS AND LOTS of FREE/Easily accessible education, birth control, and less judgment on either side. I mean, come on, these people against abortion are also against birth control and only teach abstinence. Abstinence, granted, is a fool-proof way to keep yourself from getting pregnant, but when people are GOING to fuck like rabbits, get them on all sorts of wonderful BC to keep an unwanted kid from either being killed before it's born, or falling out of some cunt's vagina and into an adoption agency, or being resented.
plus, i'm for better population control cos I'm a total environmentalist. =P who was it that said, "there's no birth control like not knowing if your children will grow up" or they said something like that >_>
anyway, yeah. lol that's my spiel.
i loves the babies, though. i'll adopt a ton just so i can have kids without putting more people on earth than can be sustained. LOL.
but i loves to make the babies. stupid Antonio. I'm missing him because I miss him and love him, but also because i miss sex and am not willing to cheat.