Wednesday, February 20, 2008

my comedy routine. part 1
Great to be here, guys. They say high school is the best years of your life. I beg to di- what? That’s college? Oh thank god! I was worried there for a minute. Anyway, high school is tough. Especially in the romantic sense, right? Everyone gets their heart broke in high school. And if you don’t, well then you must stink or something. It’s hard enough for us normal guys, without that guy

Yeah, everyone knows “that guy” the dude who follows you around. The dude who doesn’t bathe. You could be sitting a table at lunch flirting with two lovely young ladies and what happens? “That guy” shows up. He’s totally decked out in clothes that are like 18 sizes too big with some rapper smoking on his shirt and his pants around his thighs. We have no idea how they stay there, but he doesn’t walk, he waddles. Anyway, so he waddles up and shouts “dawg, nice! Scorin’ whit the bizatches!” and that’s not me being censored for the stage, he’s just the one physically mature human being who still says bizatches. If you don’t “that guy” then you’re probably him.

How do you think the ladies react? Heh, heh heh…WRONG! No, they slap YOU. Women are crazy, fellas. We’re handicapped in arguments, so don’t even try to argue with one. See, we have this weird primal need to make sense. Say the girl you’re dating borrows your car and it returns with a dent. You say “hey. What happened to my car? Are you ok?”
“ARE YOU CALLING ME A BAD DRIVER?!”
“No, I’m just wondering what happened”
“You are calling me a bad driver! I bet you think I’m fat too!!”
“No…what?!”
What do you do in that scenario? Women have code too. I call them chick-isms. I’ve actually got a list here.

“That doesn’t bother me at all”= that really really bothers me

“She’s so pretty”= compliment me now. I feel threatened! (Now be careful here guys. It’s a trick question. Never agree with her on this one. Also, don’t let her know you know it’s a trick. That’ll really screw you)

“It’s not the size of the ship…”= if you don’t get this, then you’re “that guy”

“Does this make me look fat?”= I feel like fighting. (At this point, you’re done for)

“Everything’s fine”= everything’s not fine

“Everything’s not fine”= things are really fubar.

No = no
Maybe = no
Yes = …no

I love the emo’s. Oh, I’m sorry, “the non-conformists”. Gotta be PC…

Emo is like if Goth and punk had a baby, but both drank heavily during the pregnancy.
“Screw the man! We can drink during pregnancy if we want! REVOLUTION!”
And then Goth just takes another shot in the darkest corner of the room. I think emos are single handedly keeping hot topic in business. The tag on all they’re merchandise says “30 years of punk” yes…that’s why they have Norwegian black metal blasting out of the speakers right next to the “Foster’s home for imaginary friends” tee-shirts. Last time I checked, punks weren’t into care bears and naruto.

Emo’s are so funny though... “I bleed to know I’m alive….” That’s great. Get over the fact that your mom won’t call you “darkwolf von moonblood”, change out of your sister’s jeans, and go outside.” They remind of birds. Emo-watching is gonna be the next big thing. Turn on the TV, “crikey, I think I hear the call of the wild emo!” the camera zooms in on some kid weeping in the corner. Then another one enters the scene “right, emo’s are one of the few species in which the female is actually larger than the male. If she starts wiping away his mascara, it means she’s accepted his courtship ritual. “

Now, the dumbest thing I’ve seen is prep-core. These guys are basically emo’s with a preppy torso. They’ve got the $90 good charlotte haircut, inhumanly tight jeans (which already come with holes) and a bright blue Hollister polo shirt. You can’t traverse the halls here without spotting at least one.

The halls here are crazy, aren’t they? People running around, just flipping the bird to random passerby, the occasional fight, clusters in the intersections? Personally I’m surprised we haven’t started spilling over from the second story only the stairs. Have you ever been walking behind someone for so long because your headed the same direction, that you worry they’ll think you’re a stalker? “Ok, turn left, turn left…dammit!” then it turns out you have the same class, and you’ve never even seen her before? Just remember, in these halls, its only harassment if you brush them on purpose, and its only gay if you look ‘em in the eyes

Thanks, you guys have been great! If you liked the act, feel free to come find me! If not, leave me alone!



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