Thursday, October 18, 2007

   So, freaking...
tired.
Amber was right that these things make you super tired.
I got to go to the library yesterday. They didn't have a lot of manga, but they had 3 vol of Bleach, the first volume of Deathnote, A Perfect Day For Love Letters Vol 2, and Miki Falls : Spring. I checked out the later two plus a regular comic book and The Ultimate Zombie. They had some interesting books there.
Other than that I didn't do very much.
<3
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Wednesday, October 17, 2007

!
Well, I'm not going to talk long about me today.
But there is a girl on the otaku who is desperately needing our prayers. Even if you don't fucking believe pray. To whatever deity or higher power or even science. Whatever is just pray.
Her name is NaeNae, and her dad is in a hospital in TN. Her father is brain dead and she might have to pull the plug. Not knowing her very well at all (I heard about this through another friend), I can tell however that her father is her world. This is very hard for her. Please give her comments, letting her know that you're praying for her. Please pass this on if you would like.
Thanks.
In other news. I got another diagnosis. I have Schizo Afelct (sp?). Basically along with Major Severe Reoccurring Depression, and Panic Disorder, I now have this added to the record. What it is basically, is that I'm bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies. I'm taking anti-psychotics called Geodone. It's first 40 mg then the second week, it's uped to 60 mg. I had to take samples of the meds until my psych only insurance kicks in.
Wish me luck in dealing with this. I've never taken anti-psychotics, although my boyfriend has, but I'm worried about the side effects. He told me it just makes you sleepy, but the sample bottles have no side effects on the side...
anyways.
Lator.
<3
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Monday, October 15, 2007

   I See No Reason.
I really don't know what to do anymore.
With anything.
My sides keep hurting (where the ovaries are.) and I still haven't had my period. This means there is something wrong with them. Plus lower back pain. I looked up my symptoms and found something quite menacing which could be causing these problems.
But guess what? I don't have insurance and I don't have the money to pay for all the gyno bullshit that I don't want to go through anyways, but need to go through to find out what's wrong. Plus no money for the surgery. Insurance is a motherfucking cumbersome process which could take MONTHS. So, guess what? I'm just going to fucking live with it and hope it kills me soon.
I see no reason to live relying on others for everything and not knowing what the hell will happen, because people change their minds. I see no reason to live when any friends I have love to vanish or die. I see no reason to live with my mind not able to think one thought at a time. I feel at my lowest point, since I found out Casey was dead and the day Westley and I broke up. But then again, everyday feels progressively worse than the next to me. I can't talk about any of this with anyone because the only person who could even relate is now fucking dead. If I talk about this with my fucking boyfriend or the therapists they'll send me to fucking Lakeshore, or somehow I'll end up somewhere worse than ever. Because it's just my luck. I'm always stuck somehow and never know what to do. It never gets better anymore, (well it does and then the negative and the positive somehow tilt the scale to where the negative is much heavier than the positive.)
Btw, I got my diagnosis back from the shrink the other day.
Major, Reoccurring, Severe, Depression without Psychosis. Panic Disorder, without Agoraphobia. But I have to get another one done because of Vocational Rehab, so that I can possibly get into college for free.
Thanks for thinking of me Bekki. :D Laid To Rest is the worlds best break up song if you read the lyrics.
Phil, it's good to know that you're glad you have a penis lulz.
<3
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Thursday, October 11, 2007

I blow at this.
Trying to edit the site to do an actual theme this year for Halloween has been a tough ride for me. I just can't find the background I want, although, I've found a few I really like at animepaper. Although, for some reason they never upload right onto my photobucket...maybe there's something in the policy I overlooked that prevents me from doing that.
Well anyways. I got a blood pregnancy test (which cost me 390 dollars at a fucking walk in clinic) and it turns out I'm not pregnant. Which leads me to the question of what the hell happened to my period 4 months ago.
I don't even care anymore.
I have one dream left in this world I can achieve. And that's having a family and a couple of kids, and just being "normal". If I can't have kids, I don't feel as if my life is honestly worth living. I can't achieve any other dream anymore. This is the only dream I have left that maybe attainable for me. As many times as Andrew and I have had stupidly unprotected sex this month I should be pregnant, but wtf. I don't want to be at this time, honestly, but I would be happy all the same.
Andrew said he'd love me all the same if I can't have kids. But I wouldn't care. We can adopt right? No we can't. I would like adopted kids. But nothing is the same as having your own. They wouldn't be my genetic material and his. I don't want to have to tell a child that I'm not their biological parent. It would be too confusing for them. I used to think that I would only adopt kids. I think that's because I always thought that my option would be to have my own whenever I felt like it was the right time. Then my mom told me about our family history, and it was if my mind changed.
I Hate Being A Woman. I wish I were a man. If I were a man, life would be much easier, and the things I want would be easier to grasp.
I want a sex change. Sometimes I feel that is an honest thought and not a joke.
<3
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Saturday, October 6, 2007

Argh.
I'm so tired of one thing right now.
And although it's something utterly ridiculous, I hate it nonetheless.
People putting in italics "that she claims to listen to" when talking about my music choice.
It's fucking annoying. If I didn't like all the bands I list, why in the fucking hell would I do such.
Stupid godawful motherfucking myspace. So tired of it.
<3
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Wednesday, October 3, 2007

   Yesterday was...
Well, yesterday was a pretty good day. I got a lot done work wise, and I got to spend the latter half of the day with Andrew.
We got Krystals and they were good...
Then we came back here and took me to a pond across the street. There were all sorts of wildlife. Ducks and Geese and Deer. I have never been so close to a duck/geese before without it running away or it chasing me away! But yesterday we were right there with them, and a doe came very close to us as well. I got some great pictures of the ducks/geese. I named some of them too. Corneilius, Shakespear, etc. As soon as I find a way I'll get them up, along with some other pictures I've taken.
Though last night was great, I did hit a low. I realized that my lack of friends is severe. I was looking through my "friends list" on myspace and realized that I don't really even talk to anyone. Especially not on the phone or hanging out with them.
I also found out that I won't be able to go see the Blueman Group with Andrew after all. I felt really bad, because his mom was so apologetic about it. I don't mind not going though. I don't really like them much anyways. I have decided that I will go to a concert by myself eventually, at first I said I would take Andrew with me, but I have decided against it. I'd rather do this by myself for some reason. Or take a friend with me. Yeah right, like I have any. I think Type O Negative is going to be in town, I'd kinda like to go to that, but there's transportation and all that...plus Andrew is protesting the idea unless he can go with me. Because of safety reasons or whatever.
It's not fair that Andrew has me all to himself, but I have to share him with his friends. But I know he has to pay attention and do things with his friends. I understand this, but I want to rebel against it, by doing things without him. My mind has an odd way of thinking.
I need to pick out something I want to go to college for. What should I do with that?
<3
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Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Group Therapy
So, today was interesting in the least.
I had my first domestic violence victims meeting. I was the youngest person there. It felt like everyone was staring at me, but no one was mean or anything. They were all very supportive, plus Andrew's grandmother was there with me, although she didn't get to sit beside me. I got to sit next to another new comer and another girl that was a frequent. She was really nice, and was bald, because she had a disorder that caused her to self mutilate herself by pulling out her hair. I didn't really say much, but they sorta forced it out of me. I didn't divulge too much information, because of course she pre-warned us that if we talked about entertaining notions of suicide, she had to report it by law. I just told them my basic situation, and how I'd been in and out of abusive relationships and how my parents treated me. I didn't crack the sexual abuse barrier, because I figured that they would put me in Lakeshore or something like that if I did talk too much about what's happened in the past and how I felt right now. In all I left feeling somewhat better than before, although it was an awkward experience, and somewhat of a scary one. I have bad social anxieties and paranoia. Apparently my situation over the years is worse than what I thought. Although, I kept bringing up that others had it worse than me, they kept telling me to focus more on myself than others. I think I finally have come to realize that my problems are bad, and that I need help for them. I never really had someone to support me as my shoulder to lean on or whatever, except for Casey and some internet buddies and Tyrell. Chara may have been my best friend, but she was never really that sympathetic, it always seemed to be about her and what she would gain from this situation. Casey was the person who helped me figure that out, but Chara is a great person really. She's just defensive and very prone to challenging me on every little thought I entertain. I think sometimes she just used me until she found someone who would entertain her more. In a way, in my relationships, I've always looked for someone to replace her and the giant role she had in my life. I'm not mad. People change and grow up. She just grew up and found her boyfriend so there was no need for me anymore to fill whatever void she had in her life. I'm happy that she's happy though and will always wish her the best no matter if life slices that thin line of fatty tissue that holds our friendship in the here and now.
She also makes awesome stuff. If you don't have her DA you should go to her myotaku: Kuronekosama and check out the link to it. Especially if you're interested in buying custom made stuffs.
I finally got a new cellphone Saturday. If you want the number ask.
I got to go to the Waterfront with Andrew Sunday. We walked around and splashed in the big pool fountain area. I got some great pictures of him and one of him and I, I just can't upload them yet. I had a lot of fun and I think we really worked on one of our biggest issues which I hope has been worked out. We don't have many problems, but it always seems like something will come up in every relationship every once in a while. His grandmother bought me a Ramones biography and I picked him out the Ghost In The Shell movie, when we were at McKays.
Today, all I basically did was work. I did some laundry, swept the floors, took care of the animals, and other minimal things. Otherwise I was doing work for his grandmothers company. We then went and got the voter's registration form and then a couple of small things, then went to group.
I also talked with Vocational Rehab, which will help me get into college. The lady for the Domestic Violence shelter was at the meeting as well, and she's gave me a lot of helpful info.
Anyways for now I need to check some sites if anyones updated and get some rest.
<3
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Monday, October 1, 2007

The Cutting Of The Umbilical Cord
So, I've basically moved out.
0_____0
It was all decided in a day or a little less than 30 minutes.
It all began with a discussion of how my parents are. And it progressed from there. And now I'm looking into a program that can help me get a house and go through with school.
For the time being I'm back with Andrew's grandmother. I have a domestic violence victims meeting tomorrow.
I wish I had one of those uber supportive friends. But my only one of those is now dead.
Twittchy is dead.
I don't think this is something I will get over. Ever.
Nothing will bring my Twittchy back.
Nothing will ever be able to fill that gap.
I need to get all of my stuff back. From everyone.
When looking through my "friends list" I noticed (on myspace that list) that all of my 101 friends were mostly bands.
Pathetic.
And now my boyfriend is back talking to the girl that made us fight last time. I guess it's not her fault, but I still don't like her and feel it's unfair that I feel that way.
Sometimes I feel that all men are terrible and that they should just implode. But the only other person in the world I want is never for me to have. This world is ruled by men. And I hate it. I want to be president and make the world a better place for all genders.
But it's never going to happen.
Because I'm stupid. And no one likes me anyways. How the hell would I break into politics?
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Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I think I feel a bit better after ranting for a while.
But all together I realize what a social reject I am. I am horrible at making friends. I don't know what to say to "new" people. I try to be nice and comment and such...but it feels futile. I did make a new buddy on myspace named Hiro. He's really cool. He's a cosplayer and boy is he is easy on the eyes. 0___0
I feel that my best option sometimes is to put myself away in an institution. If only I could pay for it.
How much can you miss someone? Although you know this person and you will never be together, because of religous issues and family issues, and the fact that it's forbidden love because of the gender similarity, you just want to cry and never stop. But it's all so useless. You should be happy because you have the best thing that's ever walked into your life. And yet you yearn for the unattainable. I just wish I could find it in my heart to turn and look away. To just not speak to her, to let her speak to me. To just stop thinking about it.
I love Andrew so much. I shouldn't think these thoughts about someone else. Although every relationship usually have a different feel to them, I liked sitting down and writting songs about her, that no one will ever hear. Playing them on my ampless, broken guitar which had her name attatched to it as well, singing them softly to myself and hearing how ridiculous I sounded. How it was so cheesy and how I dreamed of having a life with her, somewhere far away where I could take her away from everything that hurt her.
And even though my life has changed, and I've found someone I honestly love with every part of me, my mind still likes to remind me of it all.
Enough of my prattling.
My day wasn't anything spectacular. Just looking at some of the art on here, and myspace. Talking to my mom a couple of times and taking care of the animals. Reading to page 200 and something of Twillight. Listening to this song that reminds me of someone, even though the guy's voice is horrible, he's screaming it all at the top of his lungs. But I really think it fits this song. It shows the desperation he has.
These the lyrics:
Smiles and her laughter
It's the only thing that I've been waiting for a time
Regardless of our distance and our hope...grows greater
Trapped by pretty eyes and letters for all time
...the only thing that I've been waiting for.

I hope it's something worth the waiting
'Cause it's the only time that I ever feel real
Thunder storms could never stop me
'Cause there's no one in the world like Emily

She's simple yet confusing
Her sparkling eyes make me weak at my words, they tremble
Days seem like years in this month of December
The winter coldens me for I have yet to sleep
And never will I give up trying 'cause you're everything to me

I hope it's something worth the waiting
It's the only time that I ever feel real
'Cause thunder storms could never stop me
'Cause there's no one in the world like Emily,
There's no one in the world like Emily.
"Emily"-From First To Last
I don't really like this band, but this song is really ok...
I would love to talk Bekki,but my phone got cut off. When I'm back at my parents, I'll give you my number for that house. :D
<3
I really love this page from Nana.

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Monday, September 10, 2007

"Caring Is Creepy"-The Shins
I re-did the site slightly. Updated shit, new avatar, that's more about my mood right now. I need to change the background slightly. But overall, it looks a bit better. But my parameters are sort of fucked up. :/
By the way, I've had so many people ask me how to surpass the limit on the Intro section. As most of you have figured out already, but here it is again in case anyone needs it
Open up a new word/text editor document.
Type whatever you want to put there, including all html and graphics html or CSS whichever this site uses.
Copy all of this.
Then paste it into the box.
Easy as pie. Yum Pie.
There's so much going on right now in my life.
I'm still homeless. I'm not staying with Andrew's grandmother anymore, but I'm house sitting for her while she's away.
We got kicked out of where we were staying and now we might have to go to a shelter of some sort soon. I'm apprehensive about this, because I don't like people I don't know. It's really scary to think about. I don't want to be stuck with a bunch of people that I don't know, that could do god knows what to me. I'm so afraid of everything anymore that it freaks me to think about what could happen to me in the future. There's absolutely no stability in my life right now. It's purely insane. I just want to slow down and stop. And just fucking cry for a minute. I want to cry about all of the shit I've lost. I want to be able to weep for the people I want so badly near me, but that seem so far away. I'm tired of hearing my dad preach about God and how he'll take care of us in the end. I know it might be true. Maybe it will be. But I'm sick of hearing it. Nothing will happen without action. They're not doing anything about our situation as long as they sit around and preach back and forth. I hate hearing this nonsensical shit about how the scientists and the government are working for Satan and how they're hiding the truth about the world from us. About how Dir En Grey is evil, and Iron Maiden is evil and all the music I listen to is evil unless it has to do with God being praised. And anime is evil because it's brainwashing all the youth into thinking that magic, and things like that is okay, and that being on the side of "darkness" and being anti-America is okay and that being homosexual is okay, but they say it's really not because it says in the Bible that it's not. And how if it's on an anime, my parents assume that's what I believe. That I think that Pokemon are real, and other things like that. That I live in a Fantasy world where reality never breaches. And I'm still just a stupid kid, although I'm an adult by law. And how I just set myself up to be made fun of because of the way I dress, and think are not normal. I love how my dad loves to call me fat and then wonders why I have emotional problems. I love how my dad tells me there's absolutely nothing wrong with me and I don't need any sort of help with anything, except a good ole dose of GOD. How they expect everyone else to take care of me and Luke and how they think that I do nothing at all but sleep.
Little do they know I just about never sleep, unless I'm over at Andrew's. I'm fully alert. Because I can't sleep at night. I'm too worried about so many things. I can't stop thinking and sometimes I do wonder if what I'm doing is wrong. If me listening to the music I do angers God. If me having lustful thoughts about women and such things, angers God. If I'm the reason why fate dealt a shitty hand to my parents. I bet they would eat that up. They would love one more thing they would be able to blame on me. One more thing they could pin me to and not have to worry about. I'm sure the alcohol numbs their minds enough, for them to not have to worry about anyone but themselves.
When I think back. I can't remember happy things with them. When I think of happy, I think of my cousin and I think of Chara. I think of the good things I had with Somniphobia and with Westley. I think of Luke making stupid jokes, and Angela screaming things about Alfred. I think about sitting on Freddy's lap and having David draw us acting goofy. I think of Heather, Jeff, and Sky and acting totally inappropriate for the situation. I remember Kevin and Logan tackling me at the mall. I remember other hot Logan and I talking about Cradle of Filth and arguing about who was going to have Dani's babies. I can think of me and Andrew laughing so hard that we couldn't stop. I can think of Andrew and drawing ridiculous things. I can think of Andrew and his scary smile which is making me laugh just from thinking about it. I can remember sitting under the stars and being able to talk about weird things like aliens and if there were virgins being raped in the woods.
I can think of Somniphobia and sitting on the computer all night waiting for a reply to a message. I can remember the creepy guy that was talking to her, and how creepy he was, and how funny it all was.
I can remember all these nice things about exs and friends and Andrew, but not about my parents?
Why is this?
I want to make my body into a canvas. I want a lot of tattoos.
That is all for now.
<3
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