Sunday, July 1, 2007

   It's Official-I suck.
Current Mood: Depressed/Numb
Current Song: None
Currently Watching: America's Funniest Home Videos

Last night sucked so much. After watching a movie, we channel surfed for a little while and then my dad decided that I could watch Shin-chan since nothing else was on. I had a bad feeling about it, so I should've changed it. I knew better, but I kept it on anyways. Within 2 minutes, my mom was bitching about how disgusting and inappropriate it was. I started looking for something else to watch whenever all of the sudden she threw her knitting shit on the ground and stormed out of the room. All of the sudden so many feelings welled up inside of me-primarily anger. I can never fucking do anything without her hanging over my head, she hates everything I like, she never stops to think about my feelings, and I always keep quiet. In a moment of rage, I flung the remote against the brick fireplace and I saw it smash into a couple of pieces as I turned and went to my bedroom. I layed down on the bed and fumed whenever all of the sudden I heard my mother and father scream "BECKY!!!" They slammed open my door and started screaming at me, asking, "what makes you think what you did is right?" My dad kept on talking about how tired he was of being the referee between my mother and I. There is no fight-she constantly bitches at me but I NEVER retaliate. I've only screamed at her once in my life, and that was whenever she was trying to bring my brother down with me. He said that he would leave if he didn't know that Mom and I were going to claw each other's eyes out afterwards. Also, Dad also decided that I was going to pay for the remote replacement out of the $60 Mom has owed me for 7 months... the money I've been saving to buy Dir en grey stuff with. He left the room and Mom told me that I was tearing apart the family and that pretty soon I was gonna make him leave forever-you don't know how many times she blames me for it. As you can imagine, it can make a girl feel soooooo special inside. *sarcasm, in case you can't tell* I ran into my room and started crying even harder and started doing all sorts of shit to myself. I scratched myself, I punched myself, I raked my knuckles across my bracelet until I bled, I cut my ankle, I tried to fishhook myself, I bit myself, etc. I wished I had someone to beat the shit out of me until I was spitting out teeth. I saw my Kyo pictures and I wanted to scream and tear them all down-Mom mentioned something about Dir en grey, something like she didn't even know who I was anymore because I was so wrapped up in them. I cried for about 15 more minutes and Mom came in and apologized.... she's apologized so many times and done so much of the same thing that I'm immune to them. Her saying sorry to me is just her way of saying "all the emotional scarring I've done to you is erased now. I'm your best friend now. I'm just gonna do it all over to you again whenever I feel like it." I went back to my bed room at 1 and read a little before going to sleep. It's a good thing Mom gives me body checks, or I would've seriously hurt myself.

I woke up at 12 today and didn't feel like moving. Fuck, I didn't even feel like breathing. Whenever I woke up in the morning I got the same greeting, like nothing ever happened. I hate whenever my family does that. Sometimes I wish we'd just ignore each other. I took a shower and called Storm, explaining why I couldn't go over to her house. She understood... if my parents DID let me go, I wouldn't want to after what happened last night. After a while we went to go out to eat at Sonic and they kept on asking me if I was okay. By a tired "no", they should've realized that I was fucking depressed and I didn't want anyone near me. After eating we decided we wanted to go see Live Free or Die Hard, so we had to go to the bank to get some cash. While we were there, I asked Mom how much the replacement remote was going to be... she said $28. Half of my money I've wanted for half a year. I almost started crying. Anyway, Live Free or Die Hard was pretty good... there were a lot of old people there, though. o_O Very odd.

Well, I guess I better go since I'm talking to Nicole. Hopefully things will get better. Later.
+Momo+
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