Wednesday, March 21, 2007

   re incarnate
Current Mood: Meh
Current Song: Gyakujou Tannou Keloid Milk by Dir en grey
Currently Watching: Cheat (not Cheaters, Cheat)

Last night sucked big time. Whenever I went to bed, I listened to one of my Japanese CDs. Only, my dad heard me shuffling a lot (for like my Japanese dictionary, pen, etc.) and he came and asked me what I was doing. I stalled for a little while, but then I couldn't lie to him anymore and told him that I was listening to my Japanese CD. He then took away my CD player and Mom came in and asked me what was in my hand, and I told her a pen. When she asked what it was for, I told her it was for my Japanese dictionary and she took both of those away. Then I got yelled at by both of them, telling me that I needed to get my priorities straight and that I couldn't study Japanese on the weekdays and couldn't look at DIRU on the computer anymore. They then left me alone and I started crying. It wasn't because they took all those things away, it's just that they were so dissapointed in me and seemed like I was a failure. I hate that feeling and it makes me feel like the worst, most worthless person on the face of the earth. And whenever my father yells at me, it really hurts. Plus, I can't control that I'm so obsessed with Japanese and Dir en grey. I know I'm a fucking freak, but I've been obsessing with things ever since I was little. I can't help it, and I wish I could just stop. I then went to the bathroom to wipe my tears away and blow my nose, and Mom came in and asked me if I was cutting again. I told her no, and she made me pull down my pants (I used to cut on my thighs) so she could see. I showed her and she looked at them before saying "those are new." I totally lost it-she's a bitch to me all the time, she yells at me, takes away my Japanese and my privelges, says I need to make better grades but I make As and Bs, and then tries to say I'm cutting again. So I screamed at her "NO I'M NOT!!! FEEL THEM, THEY'RE OLD!" (I never yell at my mom, so that's one of the breaking points for me.) I just started crying harder and she felt them and was convinced. It pisses me off so much whenever she doesn't believe me. Granted, I've lied about cutting before, but if I want to ruin my fucking body, let me do it. It's not hers. I'm so tired of her in my life. Mom and Dad then lectured me again and by the time they were done, it was 11:30, and they could've saved a whole fucking half hour without all the drama. I was so tired afterwards that I probably only cried for 10 minutes before I went to sleep.

I know I'm a drama queen. I know I'm spoiled. I know I suck. Trust me, I remember it every single day. Don't give me any grief about it, this is how I react to things. I don't give a fuck if people see who I really am.

Things this morning were pretty quiet. I didn't even tell my dad "I love you" this morning. Granted, he didn't say it to me, but I was too pissed of to care. In Orchestra, today was our last day of lazing around. But I was really tired from crying and staying up all night, so I took a nap the entire time except for the last few minutes, because I listened to "ZOMBOID", "Gyakujou Tannou Keloid Milk", and "The Domestic Fucker Family." In Art I finished my stupid painting that looks like someone threw up a rainbow on it. Oh, well, I followed the directions. Afterwards I painted freehand and did an angel. At first I was just experimenting with an eye, then I did the lips, nose, hair, face, wings, then sky. And it was done. I thought it looked like shit but the girl next to me kept on gushing about it. @_@ Afterwards, I cleaned up everything and the same girl who complimented me on my picture heard me quietly singing "Gyakujou Tannou Keloid Milk" and said I was good at that too. -_- During lunch all I had was pudding, and that didn't really help my grumbling appetite. At least I got to talk a lot to my friends. In Science we took notes on the sea and I wrote down some lyrics I had stuck in my head. So far I only have about half a song. In English we watched more of "Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone" and talked about my project with Nhi. Hopefully it'll be okay.

So, that was my day and my boring, emo post. Sorry for the crappiness.
+Momo+
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