Sunday, August 21, 2005

   BULL SHIT CONTINUES
Alright, you are all warned that this is isn't a happy post and is basically a huge rant...

Alright all of you... answer me this, what the hell is wrong with me? Am I not good enough for anyone or anything anymore... was I ever?

Lets start off with this:

I am not good enough for any one of my friends and to prove that I have these points:

Sondra: I am not good enough to go and live with her although she had asked me to. She wanted me to help her with Mckinsie Ann (her new baby that is due in fifteen days). But no, in about a month they will be moving so I can't go and live with them when she is born and after they move, move my shit in too.

Chrissy: We had something planed (going to The Grizzly Rose) but she said that she had to go to this church function because these three people called her and told her that she has to give them a ride. She said that she wasn't going to tell them no because that would be rude... but my thinking on that is... that her and I had this planed and she just ditches it because some people volenteered her for something else. So what? She can't be rude to them... but I am not good enough to not be rude to? Well apparently her mom said that she can't take the car because they had no gas. But still, she said that she doesn't have money and she wont let me pay for her anymore because I payed for a piece of cheesecake and she hasn't paid me back. Which I think is bull shit right there. I mean, yes I paid for the cheese cake and all, but still, she wont go to The Rose just because of this. This even isn't the first time she has bailed on me either. And this is the last time we can do anything before school starts for her. School starts on Tuesday, and once it does she is getting a job... she said that wouldn't matter because she wont be working on weekends because they aren't open. But she doesn't see that I am going to be working at the Denver Zoo on the weekends and either Texas Road House or RAAP during the week. So I wont be able to see or spend any time with Chrissy like ever again. EVER AGAIN... which means that our friendship will deteriorate and crumble. It isn't like we really have any contact now-a-days. I mean a phone call here or there, and she isn't on-line so we can't talk, and we RARLY ever see each other.

Brian: He has treated me like worthless shit in the past... juggling me with Sammi (who is a backstaber anyway). And all the lies and him fucking Hannah and Marissa. Even though we weren't together, we talked about it and all this other shit. I guess I am not good enough to even be treated decent by a guy either.

Bry: Well, he hasn't known me long enough to treat me like worthless trailer trash, and he is real sweet on top of that.

Korin: She hasn't really treated me badly either.

And then there are more, but hey, this is a long enough post as is already, I don't need to make a God damn book as big as this world.

Although, knowing my luck it is only time before EVERYONE BETRAYS ME ONCE AGAIN... AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

The only guy who has treated my like GOLD compaired to all this was RAY and he didn't even treat me all that well... but all the cheating aside, he would make up for everything, and I wont hid it, I miss him terribly, but I can't change the present or the future... him and I have nothing right now, and will never again.. and I would go into a rant about his girlfriend who is a serious dumb shit... but I wont go into that now.

I mean seriously people... why am I such a bad person that everyone has to walk over all the time? COME ON... I try and make them stop, but no, everytime I do that, I am the one in the wrong... I am the one being the bad guy, and they are all innocent and cant take any fuckin resposibility or they guilt me into fogeting it.

Why the hell do I care.. about anything or anyone, or about myself for that matter. No one else can care enough to stop treating me like nothing, or caring, so why should I? I mean, why take my pills to help me with an ulcer... so what if it makes me better, I am going to die eventually one day or another.

Fuck this bull-shit.. I can't take any of it... NONE... I really can't...

And all of you who say that I am strong and all this bull shit, you don't know anything at all, let alone me. If you think I am strong, you are highly mistaken.
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Thursday, August 18, 2005

   Thoughts running wild!
Again I read another entry this evening that a young girl wrote anonamously. In it she says she had been raped and didn't know how to feel, and if the way she was feeling is normal. I replyed to her entry because I too have been through that and know the feeling. I wrote a poem about my rape the day I decided to tell my parents... so here it is...


Hundreds of restless nights,
filled with tears,
I curled up into a ball,
afraid to face my fears

Now I tell my secret,
to my mom and dad,
It's something I don't like,
a tragic tale to make everyone sad

I tried to ignore it,
pretend like it wasn't there
but I guess after a while
the pain was too much to bear

I layed awake at night
and wondered when I could speak
But never did I talk,
I just turned the other cheek

I couldn't tell anyone,
I figured it was my fault,
I just acted like a tramp,
I didn't want to confess assault

I watched him
smile at me everyday
and I put my head down
and began to pray

I wanted him
to dissapear,
after many months
he's still here

His face still haunts me
in my dreams
I still see everything
and hear my echoing screams

I never wanted to tell
the horrible things I did
I thought it would be better left unsaid
I thought it would be better if it was hid

I cried and sobbed
as I went to bed
wondering what would happen
in the future ahead

I couldn't deal with it any longer
and the hurt people began to see
I wasn't being myself,
I just wasn't being me

I remember that night,
and I always will,
I can remember everything
even now, still

I wish I was dead
as I lay down and cry.
It was all my fault,
I just want to lie

I want to pretend
like he wasn't even there
because then I don't have to cry
I don't have to care

I want to go to bed
and pretend like it was all a dream
but everytime I try that
I hear my own scared scream

I can't be touched
in a caring way,
Every kiss,
reminds me of that awful day

I sit and shudder,
as I think back,
I feel as though I'm still not on track

I need to cry
I need to be done
But I have a feeling
This hell has just begun...
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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

   ABORTION DEBATE RETURNS


This is one of theose emotional subjects everyone hates talking about and people try to avoid..... Anyway in England it's about to be debated once again by the Goverment.

Under current laws there, a woman can have an abortion up to 24 weeks into her pregnancy.

Most abortions are carried out long before this upper limit is reached - less than 2% are performed after 20 weeks.



Ok can I say firstly. I don't agree with abortion. Unless... Maybe...

There is a medical condition, a severe handicapping problem with the baby, but then again, you should still take care of the kid even though it could have defects.

The woman has been raped.

To abort just because you didn't use contraception during sex is really not acceptable. If your with a caring guy, then surely you will take precautions, not just to prevent aborting a human life but to save yourself from potential diesease also? Also, if you are old enough or mature enough to have sex, then you should think of all options before your action. There is always the risk of getting pregnant even if you use contraceptives. So think before you act.

It makes sense.

DONT see abortion as an easy way out of your responsibilities.



Anyway this is being debated right now in the Government over in England with a view to reducing the 24 week rate downwards. The thing is now the baby has more chance of survival at 24 weeks...

Who knows what will happen....

Doesnt this sound cruel to you..? it does me....

Think about it... Think about it long and hard here; before you do anything.


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Tuesday, August 9, 2005

Confusion never fades nor goes away
Everything is going to hell...
Is is to much to ask to just be loved for who I am... is it to much to ask for someone I can love without any reservations. For one to never hurt me, past, present or future? Is it to much to ask for simple jestures that show me they love me. Someone who isn't jealouse... someone who I don't have to question.

THE ONLY GUY I’LL SETTLE FOR
A nice guy.
A tall, handsome, gorgeous guy.
Not only in his outward appearance, but in his heart.
A guy who will not only like the way I look,
but respect the morals I have.
A guy who will not have sex high on his list of
expectations.
Or who wont have sex on his list period.
A guy who will listen to me for hours.
And trust what he knows is right.
Always and
Forever.
A guy who will sit under the stars.
And try to count the stars as I fall asleep on his chest.
A guy who will run his fingers through my hair.
And tells me I am beautiful
because of what he see’s in my heart.
A guy who walks me to my door every night
and kisses me gently goodnight.
A guy who will walk under a starry night sky
And never question what time it is.
A guy who understands his place in my world.
A guy who I can trust with my heart.
And know he wont break it.
A guy I can cry to
laugh with,
sing to,
And sit in silence with.
A guy who can hold me in his arms.
And be the first and last to ever make me feel safe.
A guy who says he loves me
and means it.
Who I will never have to question.
A guy who never hurts me,
never lies,
never cheats
I guy I never have to forgive for his mistakes.
Because he doesn’t make any.
A guy who NEVER breaks my heart.
Never needs to experience someone else
and is never selfish.
A guy who can appreciate what he’s got.
A guy who loves his mom
and Loves his family.
And doesn’t mind spending time with them.
A man of God
a guy full of wisdom and grace.
A who knows where he came from,
and where he’s going.
A guy who understands that there is no such thing as a happy ending.
Because with the love I want,
There is no end.


I say all this, but is it really out there... I don't know. Some people come close, but not at all come close.

EMPTY
Mouth open in a silent snarl
Vicious fury failing to be heard
A quiet scream not really escaping
lips that will not speak again

(I am here, can’t you see me?
Don’t you feel the shadow you
pass by...
walk over...
reject...
run through by paying no heed?)

Is love an abstract thought?
It’s present absence overwhelming
An empty fucking void where my heart should be
A viscous solitude to drown out my words

(Why won’t you stay?
Can’t you talk to me a while,
watch me...
touch me...
reject...
kill me with words instead of silence?)

I’ll take your hatred any day
in stead of your indifference
At least the wounds, the hurts, are real
and the scars a lasting remembrance

I mean, I have all these guy conflicts that aren't really all that big and should be fixed easily, but for some reason they can't be. There is the brian thing, he said by friday if we aren'together, if I don't make it official, then we will be friends and go our seperate ways. I want to do that, but then again I don't. I cannot stand seeing him with other people, I couldn't stand it when he was with sammi. But then if we stay friends, I will still feel that I can't date... I would hate to see him with anyone else, do anything with anyone else, or not be with them and do something. Even if we stay friends there is the chance for something in the future, but I will still feel like if I try and get with someone, or even go on a date with someone, I will still feel like I am betraying him somehow. Although he said I could get with someone else while he was with sammi and whatnot, I still feel that I am betraying him. He doesn't feel that way seeing as how he went always back to sammi. He loves her, but I can love other guys, and he doesn't get that. I love him, I can't figure all this out by Friday. Only two or three boyfriends, I know there are more out there... if they would only like me too.

And that isn't the only thing I am battling... and I can't put the on here, nor tell anyone, because I would br hurting me or someone else. I just don't get it.

Then there is the whole HOT COP thing... who I haven't heard from since he read my myotaku. And how I can't get him out of my head. No matter what I do. I see him in my mind, I hear him, why... I know I can't have him, my mind tells me this. My heart loves him, it tells me that.

falling
drifting
floating
away

shadows
climbing
crawling
away

so close
so near
so far
away

touching
feeling
pushing
away

losing
sinking
drowning
gone
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Thursday, August 4, 2005

   What next??
First off, this is not going to be a happy post, so you can't get mad at me because you chose to read it. So again... you are warned.

I would make a list of everything going wrong, but why write a book? No point, it wont change. Nothing is getting better, nor changing for the better. But only somethings are getting worse. But not all things, so that is sorrta good I guess.

I don't know what to do about anything and everything anymore. I really don't.

Brian and I faught yesterday just because I have a crush. But I am not with either of them, and there is no way that I will ever get a chance with my crush; he is married. So what is the friggen deal? I am not with either on of them, so it isn't like what he did with me. I mean hello everybody... which is worse? Having a crush on someone? Or going back and forth between two people... actually getting with one then the other? Okay, with me, I am not with either of them, and I wont be with one ever. Yeah I like them both, love them both, but that is what he said about both Sammi and I.

Anyway... now he is all talking suicidal and all that. And he all says he wants help, but he hasn't accepted any advice, nor has he done anything to prevent this. Like he went off his meds, which were to prevent him getting into a deeper depression. But his come back to that is that he doesn't want to be dependant on anything or anyone. I mean, I tryed saying things, but he either kept contradicting it, or wouldn't listen.

I don't really give a fuck anymore. About anything... friends, family, and all the other shit going on.

It's a lie. That is a lie right there.

Because if I didn't care anymore I wouldn't be crying. And I would be able to stop crying... I wouldn't care that people I love are talking about suicide or are sleeping around. Hell I wouldn't love people in general. I wouldn't give advice to people. I wouldn't give adivce to people that don't take it to heart. I wouldn't care when people aplogized without meaning it. I wouldn't care when people ignored me. I wouldn't get upset when people accused me of lying. I wouldn't care when people talk about me, which I know they do. I wouldn't care that my friend murdered my best friend. And it certianly wouldn't make me cry every time I think of it.

But because I am not like that, I am crying right now in fact.

I am sick and tired of people asking for my advice and then blow it off. Come on, you asked me what I thought. I hate it when people don't take to heart what I say. If I didn't mean it, then why the hell would I say it or write it? I mean, I write in here for a reason. I write what I feel and think and the people who actually care can read it. And if people get mad at what I write then that is their own fault. They don't try and listen to what I have to say, so they can read it, if they truly care.

I don't know why I care. I really don't. Everyone I have ever known (except Korin, Brandon, and Richard) has walked all over me. I am so weak, even though everyone calls me strong. Tell me this, if I was strong, why couldn't I have had enough faith in myself to fight ben off from raping me? If I was strong, then why am I always at the mercy of everyone time and time again. If I was strong, how come I keep going back to the people who hurt me over and over?

Alright, I am under so much stress here that I am getting sick all over again. This is getting worse than last November when I had to be taken to the Emergency Room. But I can't get to the doctor because we only have one truck, and so since my step dad works, then he gets it. So I just hope to God that I don't have anything serious... which I doubt I do, but still, better safe than sorry, right?

Lets see, also with family things. Since I am fostering kittens, my dad and step mom wont allow me to go to their house nor the family reunion coming up. They say that I am putting words into their mouth, but here are my options:
-Go to the reunion, and starve the kittens (which I can't do because that is so insensitive to the kittens)
-Not go to the reunion, and keeping the kittens alive (but I still want to see my family because I haven't seen them in a while)
-Pawn the kittens off on someone else for a day (but I can't do that because I can't find anyone, and two, I am not supposed to do that in the foster agreement)
SO yeah, no where in the options can I truly have what I want. Which is keeping the kittens alive and being able to take them so I can also see my family. So that pisses me off. Also because my dad and step mom are soo hypicritical. They say one thing, then do the other. Not caring how it affects me in the least. But I am not going to go ranting into that because then you guys would be reading for the next couple days.

The memories of the rape have been eating away at me like acid. I have now only been getting a few hours (one or two) of sleep each night, and it isn't restful at all in the least. Although I have started the process of filling a charge and all that, I still have to recall the event, I still have to remember the details which I want out of my head so badly. The memories... I don't even want to blink because I see it. Right there, like it is happening all over again. I wish I could just go to sleep and never have to wake up and remember all the shit going on.


And then there is the shit with my step-dad. He gets mad at every little thing. Like if the TV is on to something he didn't put on, or if someone else wants to watch something... OR EVEN IF I WALK BY THE GOD DAMN ROOM he gets mad. Hello, that isn't right. I am tired of feeling like a guest in my own house. I am tired of everyone treating me like I am invisible. I mean seriously, if I vanished, only a select few would actually know I am gone, and they would only realize it after a few days, and that right there is just sad.

Plus, all this other teenage drama from all my other friends... even if I am not in it, they drag me into it, then I carry the baggage too. And then starting to talk to an old friend with whom I haven't been talking to in a while because she didn't have the time, nor did I agree with what she was doing.

And I wouldn't be stressed if I didn't care. I wouldn't. And you know what? I would love that. Never be stressed again. I know I am to stressed and I worry to much. And maybe if you try hard enough you could see that is obviously because I care. I mean, why the hell else would I... not want people doing things that they are doing and try to stop them, not having any effect on what they do whatsoever so it all being in vain? Hm... I don't know.

And even though it happened five years ago, I somtime still remember Sarah... and what Dale did. At times like these I miss her. She used to make everything better. She used to get me to laugh, used to show me bad things in a new and better light. I don't have that anymore. I don't have my teen mother. How can I ever forgive Dale for what he did? He was on LSD, yeah so what. He shouldn't have even been doing that. All his broken promises to me, all everyones broken promises, I can't trust anything is right anymore.

Earning my trust is difficult, but re-gaining it is nearly impossible. Deffinatly if you try it multiple times.

...don't expect me to be to forgiving from now on. I have been way to forgiving and giving in general. It makes me easy to take advantage of, I noticed. It took a long time for me to see that, but now I do. And if you do take advatage of me, there's no way in hell you are going to be forgiven. And I should have been standing by that a long time ago, but again, I was just to weak.

You know what bugs me? FAKES. People that act like they care but when it comes down to it, they don't give a shit about you. All they care about is themselves, and hell, that's understandable, because the most number one important person in anyone's life should be themself. But they shouldn't be so goddamn concieted that they don't care about anyone else. Espically when they are supposed to be friends to certian people, and maybe when they call them, that person says "I wanna die" and the other person just blows them off. I am not the only person who that has happened to either. It happens more times than you think.

Another thing I hate is when people apoligize and don't mean it (granted I sometimes do that)I mean why waste your time aplogizing when you could be doing something oh so much more constructive? Espically when the person is upset, oh yes let us fuel their anger or sadness more by aplogizing and not meaning it! Yes, lets.

And I know I am complaining and ranting, but you are the one that chose you read this, so deal with it or leave me the hell alone.

And then there is the whole crush thing. All bitter-sweet. I really like him. I acknowledge the fact that there is nothing that I get out of it... seems like almost every relationship and friendship I have ever had. How Ironic. I know my feelings. I know what my head tells me to do, I know what my heart says. I can't listen to either. I can't actually TALK with him... but then it is hard to just write it too. Again, why do I do this to myself? Just why?

The only person to cheer me up right now? I don't know. I really don't. I mean, Brandon can always relate to me and make me smile, and Korin, well she makes me smile too, and lets me get things talked out, and with the things her and I relate too, she helps talk it out. Richard, maybe he could help, although it is four in the morning. And well, just talking with him, hearing his voice makes me forget everything that is wrong with this world. Which is a real corny thing to say, but still, none-the-less his voice IS captivating.

I better run for cover, I better hide my heart, because once I start to love him, I know I'll never stop. He could charm the stars, hypnotize the moon.

I mean, everything is stressing me out. I picked up a knife earlier and without realizing it, I cut. I was doing so well, it had been six or seven months. But everything pushed me over the edge. In no way am I happy that I cut. It wasn't deep or anything, but still, I felt so ashamed after that. Even more so because Stevens and I had discussed it on Monday. God, I feel so ashamed. Why did I have to? I didn't even realize it.

I am so numb now, and I can't stop my mind from racing. I am going to try and get some sleep, although I don't really see that happening because I have to wake up every few hours because I have to check on the kittens and one in particular.

Well, everyone.. I hope you have been better than me, in fact, I know you have been.

~MUAH~ -=HUGGLES=- AND MUCH LOVE!!!
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Tuesday, August 2, 2005

   WOW... embarassment central here!
Richard: get ready to be freaked out by a part or two of this! Because I am sure this will freak you out. It is a little scary for me, but I said I would write it, and so I am... since I was unable to TELL you face to face in the car, this is the next best thing. Oh yeah... and at the end... please try not to die laughing!!! **when I have gone back and read my other posts, I am soo pathetic, and they made me laugh soo hard**

Anyway, so I went to sleep this morning around five, and woke up around six. So only an hour of sleep for me! Well, I got on-line and Brandon and I started talking. It was real funny. I can't really even remember what we talked about, but it was hillarious.

Then I went and layed back down in bed. Well, about five minutes later, Officer Stevens called me, asking me if I would like him to take me down to Englewood to file the chrage, he said he would be more than willing to do it, because I didn't really have a reliable ride. He had the day off, so it wasn't like he was on duty or anything like that though. I really wanted to, for one, to get the process started, and for two... to get to spend time with him! I spent the whole morning with him... and it was the best I had felt in a long time... but at the same time... hurt real bad because I know it is just an empty dream.

My mind tells me to give up, but my heart wont let me.

Why do I do this? Why can't I stop liking him?? I mean, I know he is taken, I know that there is nothing that can happen. I know, but yet, I still care. Why? I mean... like, love, lust; Don't ask me to tell you which one it is, I don't want to 'accept' the reality of it. I know the answer, I really do, but like I said earlier, when I say it, actually say it... it makes it more real. And I figure if I can barely deal this way, then how could I possibly deal with it when it became more real??

Anyway, so he picked me up and took me there... and then I talked with one of the girls and explained what happened. I was going to talk to the VA, but she was in court, so they said I could call her if I needed to. They also said that a detective should be in contact with me in about a week and if I don't hear from him, to give them a call also.

THEN... we (Richard and I) went back home... well, he droped me off at my house. But we talked a lot, and then I told him about how I have this otaku site and he had me write it down, so he is going to read my posts... wow, like my subject line, embarassment central! I mean, yes it is good that he will know. But on the other hand, he is also married so there is nothing I can get out of it. And he might think I am like a stalker or something.

Then lets see, after I got home, I took a nap for a few hours.

I got a call, and ironically enough it was the Denver PD, checking up, seeing if I would want to get things talked about, but I had already gotten it all started. And with officer stevens helping me, it didn't take a month!

Then I was walking around the block and I was so scared because I could have sworn to god that I saw Ben drive by and wave at me... except it was a differant car and color. But then that same vehical kept driving by. I honestly can't deal with this. He knows where I live, I feel I can't even go out side... fear he might be there... that he WILL be there.



ANYWAY: Yeah, this morning I found one of my old journals. And when I was reading it, I made me laugh... for only one part. Here it is:

Dear Journal, Today we had a free write so I wrote about my dream guy. He will be tall and handome. One thing that I really love and he will have to have is that accent... the one that sweeps me off my feet. I don't know right know which accent it is, but I could tell you if I heard it! Maybe he will be like a cop or something like that, so he could be able to protect me. Yeah, that would be my dream guy...

Anyway... there was a lot more, but I don't want to take the time to write all of it... it was like seven pages!! And the funny thing is... the thing that made me laugh... in my journal it explained his features (hair, eyes, ect) and here is the kicker... everything in it... in the journal was the same as Richard. Isn't it so funny we know things when we are young? I mean the description in my journal and Richard... it is the same. Funny huh? I was going to tell him this, and I told him that I wasn't going to post it, but I just have to.



He may be my prince charming... but he has found his cinderella.

I love you all.

~muah~ -=huggles=- and much love!


^Giggles^ this pic reminds me of him and I... like although I haven't even hugged him, but still, Similar looking, but not at all at the same time!!!! And I can wish!!

God, I like him so much... SOO MUCH!!


~*~Good night all~*~

^falls asleep to the memory of the sexy voice and accent of my crush^

HAH, I am sooo pathetic!
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Monday, August 1, 2005

   Why Am I Living If All I Do Is Make Everyone's Life Harder?
Come on here, seriously. Apparently, I think I have found a new talent; make everyones life harder, and mine as well. But I am the sole cause of it says everyone, so I am starting to agree with that.

By the way, anyone and everyone who read my last post, disregard it. And to those of you who haven't... then don't read it. I am naive and all I ever get is false hopes. And yet again there was another one.

I have been crying practically all day... since mabybe around four or so after getting an e-mail, but I sorrta deserve it, so it doesn't matter. I new it was just a crush and that hence I would be crushed by it, but I couldn't help it. The e-mail prooving what I thought all along. He is married. ((although I didn't see a ring... hmmm, ha I WIN, not really, I wish.))

Even when he called... I tried soo, soo, soo hard to not cry, but the second I hung up, I was again bawling.

I can't deal with this family shit, I can't stand living here, I can't stand living in general. I can't stand crushes. Now, everyone who reads this is going to think I am suicidal again. But I am so numb and hurt right now from everything that I can barely think, move or feel.

I just don't know what to do. I can't face anything, and I am all alone. Yes I have a few close friends that say they care, that say they will be there, but in every way I turn, I am all alone.

Everyone askes what is wrong, and I can't tell them... it is just to much. Everything that is wrong is all bunched up together and I can't tell one thing from another. It is just too much. It is all to much. I can't deal... I have tried.

And I am only going to let a select few of you know what pushed me over the edge. I think a lot of you can guess... but the select few will know the details.

Anyway... here is a song and I hope you all take the time to read. It is how I feel (or hence, not feel) right now.

"The Tin Man"
Saw a man in the movies that didn't have a heart
How I wish I could give him mine
Then I wouldn't have to feel it breaking all apart
And this emptiness inside would suit me fine

It's times like these
I wish I were the tin man
They could hurt me all they wanted
And I'd never even know
I'd give anything just to be the tin man
And I wouldn't have a heart and I wouldn't need a soul

I couldn't see your leavin' comin'
It took me by surprise
Even now it still seems like a dream
BUT I KNOW I CAN'T BE DREAMIN'
'CAUSE AS I LAY DOWN EACH NIGHT
THE PAINS SO GREAT THAT IT WONT LET ME SLEEP

It's times like these
I wish I were the tin man
You could hurt me all you wanted
And I'd never even know
I'd give anything just to be the tin man
And I wouldn't have a heart and I wouldn't need a soul
Well I'd give anything just to be the tin man
And I wouldn't have a heart and I wouldn't miss you so



Yeah, that is sorta what I wish. I wish I were the tin man. Having a heart and soul isn't all it is cracked up to be.

This is one of my poems I just added, it is called WHY?: http://www.thestarlitecafe.com/poems/92/poem_762900.html

I don't know what to do. I have tried everything I can think of to stop the pain. I don't know what to do, and I don't want to start cutting again, but I can't think of anything else that has helped.

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do. I am broken hearted and confused.

This is my last poem that I am putting up here. It is called Confessions Of A Broken Heart: http://www.thestarlitecafe.com/poems/92/poem_762904.html

I am sorry everyone... I am sorry for everything. Please forgive me for what I do and what I decide. I am SO sorry... like I said.. everyone, please please, forgive me.

I can't help what I feel, nothing dulls the pain.

Why do I like him so much? Besides the obvious, why? I know that he is taken, that nothing could happen... but still a tiny part of me has hope. Why do I kid myself? Why... just why? I can't stop thinking of him, I can't help remembering his gentle voice... I just can't help it. I know I shouldn't, but I can't block the emotions. I can't take back what my heart feels, and I know all I am going to get is crushed. But still, getting crushed isn't scaring the emotion away, not even a tad bit. I like him, Maybe more. I don't even know it really... I think of him, I can see him, I can hear him. His voice soothes me. Why? Just why?

My last words are these: "Adam and Eve created love; Romeo and Juliet made love; Julius Caesar fought for love, but like Sampson, I am ready to die for love."
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Sunday, July 31, 2005

   SO... whoo hoo!
WOW... today has been real real eventful!! Both good and bad!!

So, my mom woke me up this morning after I had only been able to get four hours of sleep. Well, then she helped me feed the kittens, while I called Judy at RCR to ask her what we should do because the runt of the litter is having diarrhea which is real bad for kittens their age because it will dehidrate them real quick which could be life threatning. Anyway so I called her and got that squared away, and if he doesn't get better in a few days, then we have to take him in. But you guys didn't want to know that.

So anyway, after we were done with that, we went shoping. I got four cammis, four thongs, and a bra! YAY! I love getting lingerie! I do, call me strange, but I love it!! And you probably didn't want to know that either... well though, you are reading this, it is your fault! Just kidding!

So when we got home, there was a call from my grandma, so I called her back. We talked for a little bit, and then there was someone on my other line. I clicked over and heard who it was, and then had to call my grandma back.

Well, the person on the other line turned out to be Officer Stevens (aka hot cop to some of you)!! Anyway, I had decided to contact him because I wasn't getting a response from the Denver PD. So he being the great, caring, nice, and hot cop that he is... HE contacted me!! Go him. Alright, for all of you guys who are wondering out there what the deal is, with me and HOT COP... well here is a flash back for you...

~flashback~ **you are now entering a time and place where you have no control of what you see, what you think, and what you read!** Sorry, I am a little hyper thinking back about this!! ((can't stop smiling)). Anyway here is what happened. Around the end of the year, I had a guy try coming through my window while I was asleep. Well,it turned out that he had broken in a few other times and stole things from not only my house, but others too. Well, when Officer Stevens had come over so I could file the report, I had to show him where the guy lived. Well, we got into the car, and well drove over to the guys house. Well, when I got back to my house, he left, and so (giggling like a little girl) I told my mom that he didn't wear his seat belt and he was a cop!! Well, she asked why I didn't tell him, and at that moment, there was someone at the door. Well, since Officer Stevens had already left and my stepdad was waiting for his friend Sandy to come over, I opened the door but I had my back to it while opening it. In response to my moms question, this is what I said, "Yeah right mom, like I am going to tell that very hot cop to put his seat belt on"... then I turn around, and GUESS WHAT It wasn't Sandy, yep, you guessed it... it was Officer Stevens... he came back to give me a buisiness card!

So that is why everyone calls him "hot cop" and everyone makes fun of me for that! But meh. Anyway, so he called me and then he came over. I was giggling, smiling, and had butterflies. He was coming over to talk about the rape... and what would happen if I was to file a charge. Well, we talked about it... it was real odd to actually say what happened... it sorrta made it all that more real in a way, and a little more scary too. Anyway, after talking to him and letting him read the e-mails that I got from 'him' we went to his car to see if 'ben' had any warants or crimanal records. So then he wrote back to the PD to get the address and phone number of the PD where I will have to report it. Well, we were talking and he has been through a lot too, so he said that he is talking it out and everything and if I need to talk and get anything out, then I could talk with him, and I told him the same... although I highly doubt he will wanna talk to me!! Ha, I am only 17 and he is... well I don't really know and plus, he is like super hott!! So why would a hottie like him wanna talk with me!! Ha, plus he probably like thinks I am crazy or whatever!! Crushes.. they are soo bitter sweet! Ga, this is soo hard!

And Oh My God, he has that whole sexy accent too! WOW... that is just soo sexy, sexy sexy s-e-x-y!!! Fantasize... that is all I can do! HAHA. And his eyes!! They are soo georgeous! Meh, I can still talk to him about how the case is going. Wait, wait... I just realized that this could look real bad... I am trying to persue a rape charge, but I really like this guy who I don't even know how old he is. Wow, that could look so bad. Damn emotions. But I have liked him since the first time I met him, so it isn't like it is bad or whatever. But ignorant people will think about it that way. Gaaaa... why is everything soo painful and hard?

Well after that and everything, I can't really remember what I did... once I think about Stevens, I can't remember anything else, gosh, am I really THAT pathetic? Oh well, it is fun.

Well, I know that I took a nap because I had only had four hours of sleep, so I got thirty more minutes, so NO where near what I need, but at least a little more.

Then my mom woke me up so I could watch one of my favorite shows that I have missed the new season beginnings of. Anyway, it was sad, but funny at the same time!

After that, my night got sorta scary. I was talking with Brian on the phone and everything. My mom and stepdad had to go to her friends house, so I was left alone, but they just went around the block and came back because she saw someone across the street at the School, just waiting there, so she came back and locked the door. Anyway maybe forty five minutes later, maybe thrity I walked outside in the back yard to walk around. When I headed back to the house, the back door started to open. IT SCARED ME SOO BAD because of what else has been going on, and the sheer fact that I MADE an effort to securly close that door so the dog wouldn't get out. Anyway, it freaked me out... and when I walked around the house to see if everything was still closed up and everything... well, it wasn't. One of the windows in the den was all the way open, when my parents left it only maybe five inches. They said that they are home, so I have nothing to worry about, but I still don't know if I will be able to sleep tonight because of that!

Anyway, so yeah... that is pretty much everything I can remeber about today... and I think you can all guess what is sticking with me... Yep, you are all right... Hot cop!

Gosh, he is soo hott!!

I like him, I really do, but why should I? Tell me, is that wrong? I mean, I haven't really talked... like REALLY talked with him. So why do I feel this way? I can't help it, but I need to face it, it is never going to happen! And he is like with someone the way my luck goes... or married. Haha... how sad.

Anyway, I think I will end here, before I say something that will make me feel so emarassed, although I probably have, I can't really remember what all I have written!

I LIKE HOT COP!

~muah~ -=huggles=- and much love!! Deffinatly to my secret crush, although I am guessing he alreay knows... WOW, I am pathetic, but hey, it is what makes the world go round!!



"Now That I Found You"
HOW CAN I BELIEVE
THAT MY HEART WOULD FIND SOMEONE LIKE YOU
YOU SEE ME, THE REAL ME
NO IN BETWEENS, I HAD NOWHERE TO HIDE
YOU TOOK AWAY THE WALLS AROUND ME
MADE ME FEEL SAFE TO SHARE MY TRUTH
((that is all of the song I am going to put up, because the rest really doesn't have the meaning))

Again... good night all...




...I love you! And you guys know who you are! ;)
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Friday, July 29, 2005

   YET ANOTHER BITTER SWEET DAY:
You know what? I am starting to really hate these. I am now getting them every single day, and I am either in everyones way, having everyone angry at me, or they piss the hell out of me.

Lets see... the sweet part. I would have to say it started last night around eleven and lasted until about one or two this morning. Brian and I had been arguing (not fighting) arguing for the past day and a half. Well, anyway... we talked about it last night. It was real good because when one of us started to escalate... we would calm our selves down, so we were able to have a REAL conversation. So things we got things settled, or at least as settled as they could be. So that was real good... And then he had to go to bed because he had to go to work in a few hours. Anyway... he was going to go for like thirty minutes, but we kept talking... and then I let him go! ;) ;)

Lets see, another good part of last night was that Korin asked me if I would like to stay the night in the next two weeks! That will be so fun. She said that she is going to ask her mom if I, her friend Christine, and someone else... Katie(?) to all spend the night!! Whoot! YAY! That would be fun!

Well, this part is bitter and sweet. Chrissy is mad and says that Korin and me are talking bad about her and are ganging up on her. Meh, we aren't but she will believe what she wants to believe. The sweet part of it is that she said that she can come over on tuesday night. YAY. But I don't know if it will actually happen, like if she will actually come over... meh, she said she would.

Anyway, then around two in the morning, I had to wake my mom up to help feed the kittens. So I did, and she helped. Then she went back to bed, and them dang kitties kept crying because they wanted to play... so they played until like five in the morning!! ((I still love them thought)). Then they woke up around eight o'clock.

Well... that was around where my day started turning to crap. I had a headache, I was tired, and my stomach still hurt soo bad! The kittens were so hungry and were screaming so loud that I couldn't feed them by myself, So I opened up my door to ask my mom if she could help me. Come to turn out that she wasn't home and didn't leave a note. It is the not telling me or leaving a note that made me mad. She said that she didn't want to wake me up because she knows that I don't get enough sleep. So I get her reasoning, but still, she used to leave notes or whatever.

Then lets see... I got on-line, and well, I got a reply from the police department and then they haven't written me back. I am getting tired of this bull shit. How can there be justice if they don't talk to you? Answer that!! I mean, come on people. I know they have a lot of cases, but it has been a friggen month now. Whatever... I am thinking of writting an e-mail to this cop guy and ask him. Maybe then I will get a real response. Meh, justice systems suck right now.

Then, my mom and Royce got home. Well... my mom had a migrain, so she was sleeping. So Royce (my stepdad) watched evolution because he fell asleep through it last night. Well, that wasn't such a problem, the problem is that every single figgen time that he watches TV, a movie, or a DVD, he has a volume turned up so loud, you can feel the sound vibartions move through your eyes and brain, and I AM NOT KIDDING. It is loud. And you can listen to music loud and whatever, but I had told them that I had a headache too, but he didn't acknowledge it, and still watched it that loud. Then toward the end, my mom woke up, and so then I had to get dressed because I had to look at a dresser at this one place... but no... I had to do it RIGHT THEN! I couldn't wait or whatever.

So when we got home, he said right then that we had to measure to see if the dresser would fit in my room. Well, my mom and I went into the room, but we didn't measure it, we fed the kittens. So when my step dad asked if it would fit... I said that we didn't check and he got all pissy. What the hell... I don't like doing things on everyones dime... when everyone says it. Like I have to go somewhere right now... I got to do something right now... Come on... everytime he says I have to do something, it is always when I have a REAL BAD HEADACHE/MIGRAIN, and he still expects me to do it... Come On.

So whatever... And then I had let my mom read the last post, and she didn't really say anything. But when she did say something she said that I am going to "grow some balls, grow some big hairy balls" She said that I have to tell my dad that I am not going to the big family reunion, because they say that taking pets there is 'inapproriate'. So I can't. But I can't leave the kittens anywhere... not even with anyone. So the options are stay home for a week and not go to the reunion, stay home for a week and go to the reunion and not take the kittens and make them starve, stay at someones place where I can keep the kittens, Or stay home for a week and go to the reunion and bring the kittens. Everyone says that the last option isn't even an option... so whatever. I am responsible for four little lives here... even though this is fostering, it is just like if I had gotten a job. I don't want to miss the reunion because I haven't seen everyone for a real long time, and whatever.

So whatever... again, making everyones life worse. What the hell is up with that. No matter what I do, I am making someones life worse... I think that is all I am good at!

Whatever... I am going to go... I am watching my favorite movie "The wedding planner" and I am going to go get some Ice cream! WHOO HOO!

~muah~ -=huggles=- and much love.
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Wednesday, July 27, 2005

   A SHITTY END TO A GOOD DAY
Okay, today was real good, tonight however was shit.

Today, around three Korin came over and we hung out and talked. We talked about things, and then played and fed the kittens. Mom and Royce got home and then ordered us some pizza. After eating, her and I walked to the park. Anyway we got back and then waited for her mom. So today was pretty good... I actually got to meet Korin, instead of just, well, seeing her.

Anyway... yeah... then the bomb fell over my life yet again. I could feel it getting closer and closer, well, it hit.

After Korin left, I was talking to Brian. Well, then I went to ask my mom a question, and well, I asked it nicely. She starts yelling at me, and it isn't what we were yelling about that made me angry. She claimed I never said anything about the phones, and I had, countless times before, and she doesn't listen, and she starts yelling at me for things. I am the type of person, if someone yells at me, I yell right back. Well, so then that got me real angry.

Then I had to call my dad who was out of town, so I had to talk to my step mom. Well, that was a bomb shell in a half. Since I am fostering the kittens, I can't take them there, because her cat(jaz) doesn't do well with other animals, plus that has always been their rule, that I can't have any pets of my own. Anyway, she said that the week my mom and stepdad are gone, that I can stay there, but I can't bring the kittens. So I don't want to go there because I am not going to leave the kittens alone to fucking die. And then I have the option of taking them to my aunt, and uncles house with my brother and sister-in-law... but we have a family reunion on the thirteenth. I just thought, hey I could take them to that. Well my step mom said that it was inappropriate. So then again, if I leave them anywhere I will make them starve. I can't do that... sorry. Then she said it is all my fault that I put myself in this situation because I new about the family reunion. But then if I don't go to the family reunion then everyone will be mad at me and I wouldn't be able to see my grandma and great grandparents... and everyone else.

And that isn't even the half of it. The guy who raped me finally left me alone for about a week and a half, I was so happy; well, he started contacting me again. And I have contacted the police again, but they haven't got the time to write me back and I have wrote them a few e-mails.

I am so angry and I wonder why the hell I am still here on this not so green earth. All I do is put everyone out of their way and make their life harder. Not once have I made it easier.

Not even my family cares... they say they do, but never have they tried to make me happy. Take my dad and step mom for example... their rule has always been that I can't have pets at their house... pets, the only thing that ever made me happy. Mom, she said that I could foster cats, but that put my step-dad at risk and he makes me angry enough already to add this on top of it. God, I honestly can't stand this shit. I can't stand this crap that I have to constantly go through. And I can't give the cats away because that makes me irrisponsible.

Carolyn (my stepmom) and everyone else at one point or another has said that it is all my fault, that I feel this way. Carolyn says I don't bottle things up, but she doesn't know me... I do. My dad doesn't know me, he never really did. Royce (my stepdad) doesn't now me, and not even my own fucking mother knows me.

My mom and I used to get along. We used to be able to talk about things. Now when I try, I am taking up her time, or she yells at me for it, or she is tired, or she says we will talk about it later, and we never do. I can't stand this, I can't stand Colorado. I just wish I could vanish and never have to deal with this fucking drama that everyone puts me through. It isn't all my fault here people, you guys need to take some god damn responsiblity of it too.

They also don't let me have the releif I need... some time away... yes they let me go see my sister for a week, but they wont let me go see Brian. My dad says that he didn't treat me well enough, and may that be so, we are still friends. My mom says she doesn't want anything to happen to me again, well, there is no way that she can prevent it. No one can. No one will ever ask what I want. Ever since my mom got married, I don't have a say in anything... I mean, I like to be informed... but no one ever decides to tell me anything and when they do, they get mad that I don't already know. Or I get mad at them because it is something that either involves me, or something of mine. Or my schedule.

But no... no one ever decides to fucking listen to me, and I am tired of it. They say they listen, they all say they care... But I don't see them doing anything to prove that, to help me get over this, to help me not feel like a god damn stranger... hello I am your daughter for crying out loud. And when you get "scared" when I talked about suicide, you guys lead me to it. I try and confide in you. I try and talk to you, but all you guys ever do is fuckin brush me off, or blame me, and that doesn't help. Or you wisk me off to some therapist who says I am fine.

And then there is all this crap going on with my friends... like chrissy and how I don't agree with her dating someone who is 22, and not telling her mom... but it isn't like that matters anyway, she is going to do what she wants... no matter how anyone; friends or family feel about it. Then there is Sondra... and we are oka... but still, there are things that need to be talked about and how I have to be there because she is pregnant... meh, and pretty much dirt with everyone else.

Whatever, I am out, I can't even see the screen anymore, the tears are just to thick. And I know that none of you are going to read this, so it doesn't even matter.

I can't take this, and I am sick and tired of trying to think I can.

~muah~ -=huggles=- and much love--- ha only to those that deserve it.

Thanks a whole bunch for nothing people/parents.

And for those who actually do help and listen, thanks... you know who you are.
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