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Thursday, October 18, 2007

Disregard this post, it's a once-in-a-while thing and I'm stressed?
During weeks like these, when everything hits me at once, I tend to revert a little to how I was back when I didn't have any confidence. And then I get these nagging little notions in my head of things I used to be afraid of, and even though I know perfectly well that they aren't true, they stick around.

I get so much more sensitive about my relationships. I feel like my friends may like me, but there's always going to be someone else that they'd rather be with, who's more interesting and fun to them, and they care about more. Now, that's the way it was in grade school and high school (with RL friends, that is), but most definitely not the way it is now. So feeling like that makes me very frustrated with myself.

And there's other things. My writing isn't interesting, I'm an idiot, I'm not pretty, you name it, it goes through my head during these silly little mood-swings. And it feels so matter-of-fact when I write it out like this, because my head understands perfectly well what's going on, but somehow, my gut doesn't feel that way. I guess it's better than believing the above things are true, but it's so infuriating, not being able to do anything but ride this out.

It's just... I don't know. Most of the time, I really like the fact that people think I'm tough and can take care of myself. But when I talk about these things to people, they tend to think I can handle it, and I really somehow WANT to be reassured.

Then again, if I had let people do that two years ago, I'd probably still be insecure. So maybe it's for the best that they let me handle it myself.


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