Monday, May 8, 2006

stalking peeves
alright. so tody this girl who likes to be around me sometimes (she annoys me) mentions that this dude (i guess its her X?) is stalking her. i ask, "well what's he doing?" to which she replies, "well this morning i was hanging out at the coffee place and he came over to say hi and then i left becasue i didnt really want to talk to him and then my friend told me later that he left right after i did!"

.... am i the only one who thinks shes an idiot? i mean are all girls like this? this inconceivably ignorant? i mean nothing against girls but my fuckign god this is ridiculous. and its not the first time ive heard people doing this! just because a guy might like you so he stops by to say hi DOESNT mean hes stalking you!!! stalking is when the jackass has memorized the plate number of the car you drive or get driven home in! stalking is when he you see him hanging out in a tree outside your window and when you ask what the fuck hes doing he says, "oh nothing i was just passing through." and tries to look innocent! its not saying hi! its not going to the same school as you or going to the same mall as you. down here there are two malls but EVERYONE goes to the downtown! almost no one goes to coddingtown! just because you see the dude at downtown does NOT mean hes stalking you! my god how ignorant can people get?! fuck i dont know...
so anyways about last night... yeah i still feel like shit... thats ridiculous... i.. i honestly dont know what to think or to say... nothing makes sense and i want it all to end... but omar asked me, "if you knew that the world would end tomorrow, what would you be doing right now?" and i told him i would be running to a girl i already know who is, and im not saying who so go fuck yourself, and i would get on a knee and confess even if i knew it wouldnt do anything and she doesnt love me. she might have said she did but come on... i... i dont know if i can believe her on that... this girl loves two people one being me... another being... well its another, lets leave it at that, and im 100% loyal to her even though im not alowed to even tell anyone about this. i say it on here because you guys dont know who and you seriously would never guess (mostly because i think maybe one of you has even ever heard of her and that was in brief so chance of remembering her is pretty slight...) but yeah im loyal to her completely and fully, i do my best for her and try to be something close to being worthy, which i know im not, nor will i ever be but even I, the Prince of Fools, is not stufpid or selfish enough as to say "fuck you im not worthy so im gone." though things would be easier that way it is nothing but selfishness disguised in selflessness that only pisses me off.
what im getting at is that though im not the best for her by any means, nor am i able to always be there, nor even able to do the things i would like with her (go see a movie, hang out together, anything would be nice really), im still loyal even if she says she loves me yet shows... shows so little affection... like shes nice to me but theres a difference in being nice and being affectionate. same with caring and a few other things. i dont know it just bugs me...


so next topic, am i in love? i think im in love but then again ive never been in love to know if i am in love. when i think about her with someone else i tell myself, "well at least shes happy" but inside it destroys me. when she even might be getting mad at me i get chills down my spine and want to do anything i can to make her happy again. when she seems dissapointed in me like ive let her down nothing in the world matters but making myself better for her again so that she will be proud of me, so to speak. i mean come on i try hard in school for her... that should be saying enough right there. when shes sad it fills me with a feeling like all i want is... is to fix every problem this worl has so that it can be perfect for her and she can be happy again. i think about her all the time and long to be with her but when i see her my heart skips a beat (which it turns out really does hurt like a son of a bitch...) and when im around her i get nervous like i have to be my best so i dont skrew up around her. i dont want her thinking im just some idiot or that im some sort of underdressed, clumsy, moron. i want her to think that im smart, elegent, graceful, etc., etc., and simply perfect for her. i want to be everything she could ever want and more, like she is for me... but then i dont care if we touch. i would love to hold her and be with her and all but the sex and everything that i just dont really want... its not my thing, its not what im looking for in a relationship i guess, but is that love? i mean it tears me up inside to know she likes someone else but its not... its not like im sitting here demanding that she is with me and me alone. i dont do alot of the stuff that "they" say is love. but does that mean its not love? or what is it? and arent you supposed to know undoubtedly if your in love? no question? then why did it take so long for me to understand and accept it?

i dont know i guess it doesnt matterr... *sigh...*

love you always,
neko-chan
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