Thursday, July 13, 2006

Said the Man to the Lady
My mother finally left for Nicaragua on the 11th. It's strange, but I'm not so angry about it anymore. I honestly hope she has a good time because she's been really excited about going since I got here and you know, she's my mom. I myself am less strung out than the previous time I wrote anything on here. My dad is as equally annoying as he's always been as well as still sick, so I'm kind of just nodding at everything he tells me and/or clearing out before he has a chance to say anything at all. Me and my sister Lucy are helping my sister Mari out by watching the kids while she's at works until we find jobs. She gives us $80 a week which is not much, but enough to help us with our monthly cell phone bill. It's depressing for neither of us to be working. If I had a job I could hook it up for her and if she had a job she could hook it up for me, it's always been that way. This time though we're bother utterly broke. There is a chance we'll get a job at the same place and that would be cool. It's one the beach and for the city. I'd only be a typist, she might get something in the line of dispatcher or what not because of her previous experience, but still it'd be in the same locale so we wouldn't have to go nuts trying to figure out who'll take us to work.

Maybe it would not be such a big problem though because I at the tender age of 20 am finally learning how to drive. Jeremy has been taking me for the past two afternoons to this park by the airport that has a bunch of roads and orange cones in it. A lot of people use it to learn how to drive so you'll see a bunch of cars just driving around aimlessly. Also, a lot of people use it to do it in their back seat. I've seen SEVERAL people do that and I think it's fun to drive by those cars and give a little honk. ^_^ You can't blame me, their asking for it by doing it in broad day light in a, basically, open field. I think the fact that I'm learning how to drive has really made me feel a lot better. It's just something that I needed to do, but no one ever wanted to take me to do. I'm finally doing it and am progressing really very well if I do say so. It's just one small step to feeling less stuck and stationary.

The weather is still really stormy here, but in general I'm not so sad about everything anymore. Yes, it sucks and the situations are all the same, but this is what my family is like and no amount of anger and bitterness will ever change that. I have a goal and I'll take all the steps necessary to meet that goal. My dad is sick and I said I'd help so I will. The fact of the matter is, however, that I can only do so much and that I have to look out for me first and foremost so yea. We'll see how things progress. I still get angry, I just get over it quicker.

So yes, thank you to the ones that offered a comment. I really wish I could be on AIM more often and talk to some of you, but oh well. Watching children is a full time job.
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Thursday, July 6, 2006

I'm Completely Crackers About Cheese
Le sigh. It's been so long since I've vented in any form. Too long. So here I go. I've been living in Florida for something like a month and a half already. The weather is horrible, just rain and rain and rain. I mean rain can be great and all, but it's gotten to be a bit too much. Not to mention that on those rare occasions when it isn't raining it's just grey and horribly humid outside. So humid that I step outside and I feel like I've been layered in grime for decades. But you know, I've lived here before and I can live through the downside of Florida weather. It's a bit disheartening, but nothing new.

I think the most horrible part of this all is how fucking insanely broke I am. So broke I can't spare any of the money I have in my bank account for a new domain name. It's sad, but true. There are things that need to be paid on a monthly basis and yea. I'm stuck with kids all the time so I never have a chance to go look for a job. I don't know. Coming down here I thought things were gonna be a lot different. I thought my dad had changed, I thought that because he was sick he would start appreciating us, or at least my mother more. But it's not, if anything it's worse. He was just fronting until he got my mom to sign the papers for the loan on the house and now he's the same dick he's always been. I mean, I know my dad is sick and I wish he wasn't, but I honestly cannot say that he doesn't deserve it. He continues to humiliate our family in front of his bitch sisters and those people that have always hated us because we are our mother's daughters. Not to mention that he expects service. Everything he does he does it to benefit himself. The mortgage on the house was a whopping $640 and although he couldn't work, because of the efficiencies in the back he could have paid that fine. But for some unknown reason he felt the need to get another loan on the house and now he has to pay $1800 and for what. He wants and my sister to pay that, but he's not using that money to benefit us or our mother in any way. It's all for him and even the fact that we haven't said no he doesn't appreciate.

I regret leaving Chicago, especially because I was broke there too but I had so much more to show for it. In a lot of ways I think my mom lied to me and was... selfish. She wanted us back so badly she made it seem like my father was on his deathbed and a changed man and... It's just unfair for her to require us to come down here when on the 11th she'll be on her way to Nicaragua for two months. I don't even know what to say anymore about this entire situation. I just know that in a month and a half, less than that honestly, they've made me feel the same angst and desperation that I felt after nineteen years of living here.

Le sigh. I just hope I get a job really soon. That is my only hope.
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Friday, June 3, 2005

It's Just a Fond Farewell to a Friend
I've gone ahead and bought a domain. It's MolotovCoktail.net so I'll be journaling and all that good stuff there from now on. It's password protected so if anyone's interested IM me [molotovcoktease] and I'll tell you what that is ::nods:: I won't be shutting this down because I shall still be commenting on other's myOs. So yes.
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Monday, May 30, 2005

You Were A Vampire And Now I Am Nothing At All
I'm very aware of the fact that I've been doing a shit job keeping track of other people's journals and all that good stuff, but in between work and school I'm just so tired all the time that staying up past ten just isn't an option for me. Yesterday was the first time I stayed up past midnight in what feels like a while and unfortunately it wasn't for a good reason. My heart's been broken to the extent that it can be broken. Last night was the worst night I've had in such a long time and I've decided that it's the last worst night I'm ever going to have. I guess in some sence it feels like it's what I needed to realize that this guy doesn't give a shit about me. I thank God there's a Charlie and that's about it really.

Anyway, right now I'm the busiest I've ever been in my life. I wake up at 5:30am to go to work then at 4:30pm I get off and go straight to school, come home and sleep and start all over the next day. Friday and Saturday are reserved for homework and studying and Sunday's are gloriously and thankfully always always free. This week I got Monday too so I'm happy. Memorial Day, o the bliss. I got my school check and I must guiltily admit that I've squandered a lot of it, but one has to treat themselves every once in a while. I bought Run Lola Run, Shaun of the Dead, 28 Days Later and The String Quartet Tribute to the Pixies (I have just about every String Quartet tribute, some very nice collared tees and wife beaters for the beach, a hair dye (blue black), I went to eat with my mom both yesterday and today (although I threw up yesterday and that wasn't any fun, no one to hold up my hair either :(), and I'm going in for a hair cut tomorrow because my hair is a ginormous wad of dead copper. I have about $400 left so I'm not doing too bad, I also get paid on Thursday and that should come out to something like $700 so I'm not doing too shabby.

I feel really...excited about something new, and confident and clean, fresh, something. I'm not sure why because I have this wound in me that I keep touching just to make sure it still hurts, but I'm fine. I really really feel fine and okay and like I'm not gonna die. I just hope it's permanent.
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Tuesday, May 24, 2005

You're Making Me Oooh-oooh Tonight
There's so much I want to say and don't want to say. I don't know. I let myself get really excited every once in a while, but there's always this really dark cloud that I'm trying not to think about but is actually all I think about. I'm trying really hard to burry it all good and proper, to not care, but it's really hard...
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Sunday, May 22, 2005

We'll Fuck on the Radio

As requested by a spiffy Canadian and her half breed Mexican whore.

Total volume of music on my computer: 4.21GB, I'm not sure how much that is exactly but I'm not done...

The last CD I bought: This Island by Le Tigre

Song playing right now: Another Morning Stoner by ...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead

Five songs I listen to a lot, or mean a lot to me:

1. Radio by Pitty Song
It's one of these songs you blast when you're driving down the turnpike at 80 and this wet cold wind is hitting you in the face. Mmm.

2. One More Night by The Stars
I learned the lyrics to this song like the second time I heard it just because it's so damn good. The male/female vocals really add to the entire theme and it makes me cry and we all know how much I love things that make me cry.

3. This Charming Man by The Smiths
It's one of the o so rare songs by The Smiths that isn't absolutely depressing.

4. Alive with the Glory of Love by Say Anything
Well it's good and I'm pretty sure most of us have heard it sooo yea...

5. Unmade Bed by Sonic Youth
This song makes me cry too. The lyrics along with the distorted painful sound of the music just kind of prick those heartbroken emotions in me.

Five people to whom I am passing the baton:

Tony [even though he most probably won't because he's too cool for that shit]
Charlie [even though he's pretty much disappeared]
Andy
Megan
Gail
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Thursday, May 19, 2005

La La La Love You
Things are still going pretty decently which is nice. I've been going to work and that's going very well. What I basically do is type up little yellow sticker labels to foward mail for people who've moved. It's really easy and monotonous, but also laid back and the people are just so incredibly nice. The best part of the job is that I'm allowed to listen to music on my headset so yay ^_^ I'm the youngest one there, pretty much everyone else has been working there for close to ten years or more so yea. At the moment on I'm on trial bases so I only work six hours a day which is cool because I get out at two. Once that two week trial period is over though I'll be going until 4:30 which is still pretty early so I'm happy. I like it a lot better than any other job I've ever had because no one's on my ass and I've got no one to answer to. I just do my job and everything's cool. I get my first paycheck in two weeks and it should be nice and healthy looking :)

School is going pretty okay too. I didn't go to my jazz class on Monday and I skipped math on Tuesday, but I went to Jazz yesterday and I didn't miss anything at all. I like the class, but it's three hours long and it lags a lot so I get really really sleepy. I've been doing all my homework though, I have a midterm next Wednesday and an oppinion paper on music sharing on the internet which should be a breeze is due the Monday after that I believe. I'm not worried. What we're covering in math right now is the last thing I covered in my last math class so I'm pretty confident. I've been doing my homework and practicing and all that good stuff so yup.

Everything's going good. Every once in a while I get this achy feeling in my chest and throat about things I don't want to talk or think about anymore, but I get over it eventually. My Chicago stuff is running along the right path and I guess that's all that really matters right now.
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Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Going Postal

Today was my first day of work. I actually slept about forty minutes maximum so I felt pretty wasted, but I like it so that's good. I have a test on the 27th to see if I can get hired as a permanent employee and even though I am leaving in a couple of months my pay would increse by a lot right now and I could get a transfer if they really like me so that would be cool too. The really funny part about the entire day was how many people told me they were offended by the term 'going postal.' But it was fun and it's the type of job I don't really have to think about or sweat and I really like that. There no one on my ass and the guys are pretty laid back so I'm happy. When I was done there I called my mom to pick me up, but apparently my sister had left the headlights on and so the car wouldn't start. I decided to take a walk, it was hideously hot and I was dressed in black so that was stupid. But I found a Burger King and bought a soda and all was right in the world once more. By the time I got home I was so tired I fell asleep and didn't wake up until around now so I missed school. Whoops :p I don't feel too bad about it because I'm quite ahead in my homework so mhm.

Anyway there have been a lot of dramatics concerning my small circle of friends. I at this point don't even really care anymore. I'm trying to snip out those things that cause stress in my life. You can only take so much bullshit I guess. I have a lot of things on my plate and despite that I'm getting along and I feel good, which is a lot more than I could say for myself a couple of weeks ago, so I'm just really trying to protect that. You know, 'people' got to used to using me as a pillar of support. I'm just making things the way I want them to be.

In other news, Chicago stuff is going pretty freaking good. I went to do laundry with my mom yesterday and she kept giving me instructions on how to load the clothes and things along those lines which I thought was funny because I've been doing my own laundry for a while now. Then she got into, 'I know I'm annoying, but you're gonna be on your own soon and we're here at two in the morning but don't do that when you're over there.' It was a nice moment, like alright you're leaving and I'm okay with that and it honestly just helps a lot to not have her on my ass about that. I mean she's still on my ass about other things and we're still fighting a lot, but yea. You pick your nice moments. Anyway, I've got all my paper work in order and everything's going pretty smoothly when school is in place. I'm sure I'm leaving and really all I need to start doing is looking for a place to live. So yea, I'm cool.

Also, just in case anyone is wondering, there's no particular reason as to why I keep deleting my entries other than I find myself annoying. I like this one so far though, so yes.

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