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Thursday, January 11, 2007

Sorry for this late post..
Very emotional and VERY long. If you don't want to read it, I won't mind. But I've just got to get this out of me, somehow..

There's this boy. And I've liked him for a very long time. Like, over a year, long time.. And I had gotten to the point where I had fallen in love with him. I just loved everything about him. And he said he liked me too. But the only problem was we wouldn't be able to date or anythign for a few years. Which was fine. Because I understood that he was much older than I and that to everybody else, that wouldn't be right. So I accepted what wee were and what we had. But lately, things have turned toward the worst.We would make plans and then one of us would not be able to go. Until finally, we made plans for us two and my Nicole (my best friend) to go out to dinner. Me and Nicole were all ready and waiting at her house for him to come get us. We sat there for over an hour waiting for him.. We had called him numerous times, texted him, left him voicemails. Everything. But no answer. Then we get a message from him that night telling us that he had accidaentally left his phone at his parent's house and that he had spent the entire day with Ashley. Ashley, he says, has been one of his BFF's for a VERY long time. Which is understandable. But I know that he's liked her, A LOT, in the past. And it's not uncommon for someone to like their best friend. So he apologizes many many times. Til we just stop responding. By the next day, Nicole was pretty much over it. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to let it go. And I couldn't get over it. And I suddenly found myself distancing myself from him, talking to him less, rejecting all plans to hang out, everything. Until I found myself hardly even liking him at all. And I can't find the reason. We used to talk all day, every day pretty much. But now, we hardly even speak during the day.
And last night, after church, I get a message from him. And I've gotten so emotionally detached from everything. I just glared at my phone and opened it to see what it said. And he had said that he doesn't knwo what's going through my mind, but no matter what he loves me. I couldn't handle that. I started bawling my eyes out. I didn't respond. I COULDN'T respond. I don't know what to say to that. "Hey that's cool, but I don't love you. At least not anymore..." Yea, that's not happening.
I've been so emotionally scarred for so long. I just don't know what to do. I find myself thinking about him all the time (which it's been like that for months, so it's nothing new) But it's different thoughts now. I can't get things straight in my head. I've been so pressured by exams and all this other shit in my life, that I just didn't know what to do when he said that. I have yet to say anything back. Although I doubt I ever will.
Am I being cold by doing that? Do I have the right to cause that kind of pain to anybody? To love and want someone so badly, but as soon as the love you back, suddenly you don't want anything to do with them?
What do I do. I'm so lost and helpless. I feel horrible. Especially for Nicole, because she's stuck in the middle. After he ditched us for Ashley, and I started avoiding him, he started talking to her more and more and she would tell me how torn up he was and all this stuff.

She wanted me to tell her what was going one and what I was feeling, so I wrote her a note to read. And she hugged me. We haven't talked about it at all. It's a bit awkward.
Being anywhere near Jesse is awkward. I just don't know what to do or how to act.

I'm pretty much crying right now. I've been so emotional ever since my dogs died. I don't think I've cried this much in years. It's like my once unbreakable defense, has shattered...

I'm taking so many pills right now. And don't worry, I'm not ODing or anything. I'm just on sp many persriptions right now. And I don't think they're helping my mind any. I'm taking about seven different medications right now.. My muscle relaxers are my best friend right now. Motrin does nothing unless I take 3 Singular.. Ha! Is helping me from being sick. Monodox, keeps my face clear... So many things!
I'm such a frickin pill popper. XD
(A little happiness. But that's all)

You guys, I'm so so SO sorry for this. I just know I can trust you all. And any support that is given is greatly appreciated. For those how even skimmed through this. I truly appreciate that. And for those who came by and saw how long this was and just left, I don't blame you.
*hugs you all*
My god I need help..

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