With only one week away from the crowning of a new Animation Elimination season champion, Seto Kaiba is preparing for the finale in earnest. Well, not him personally, but he is barking out the orders and that counts for something, doesn't it? His secretary, Naru Narusegawa, is handling multiple telephones and computer monitors at once. She is in contact with several caterers, pyrotechnics experts, decorators, tailors and others to help with the overall production of next week's show. Yes, while next week will be quite a spectacle, this week's broadcast is nothing to sneeze at.
Outside the Kaiba Arena in Tokyo, a group of small creatures scurries into an opened air vent. These animals have foul play on their felonious minds. What horrors do they have in store for the viewing audience? Will anyone take them seriously because they're all under 12 inches tall?
Hamtaro: All right, troops! Today is the day when we get revenge on that cur Seto Kaiba and his pathetic "Animation Elimination" freak-a-thon! The plans have been made and now, it's time for the roll call. I'm Hamtaro.
Pikachu: PIKACHU!
Furby: Beeka-pokie-gara-tobah-scooby-dooby-doo!
Pikachu: ...pi... ka? (Translation: WTF?)
Hamtaro: I know, I know. I couldn't find any other anime characters, so I branched out. Furby is already evil as hell... and he REALLY needs a job... getting him to sign on wasn't difficult.
The half-pint demons scamper through the ventilation shaft and towards their villainous goal.
~~~~~~~~~
With the arena full and the cameras rolling, the second-to-last episode of Animation Elimination is ready to go. Goku is sitting in the announcer's booth, as usual.
Goku: Hey... the "Dragon Ball" movie comes out this August! Everywhere I go, people ask "Goku, what part will you play in the movie's production?" And then I say "...no part at all..." because the producers, in their infinite wisdom, DECLINED giving a part to me... in a movie about ME. Instead, they got some jabroni named Justin Chatwin. Who the hell is that? They said it'd be "weird" if I played myself! Weird?! I know how to play myself! I play myself everyday!
Mugen: *snickers* "Play myself"... Must... not... make a dirty joke... fight it, Mugen...
Goku: I shall mancott this movie until it is released on DVD... since I'll receive a portion of the profits at that point.
Éclair: Mancott...?
Goku: It's like a boycott, but with men. I'm a man, not a boy. You follow me?
Éclair: Sadly, yes. You should come with a disclaimer. "Listening to this idiot will lower your IQ by 35 points." Now introduce us already.
Goku: Welcome to Animation Elimination! And here are your hosts... Sanford and Son!
Éclair: *sigh* OK, this week, we will reveal who are our two finalists! I don't know about you, but I'm excited beyond belief! And now... please welcome Hiei, Kakashi and L!
Hiei walks onto the set, followed by Kakashi and L. As last week's victor, Hiei won a check for 50,000,000 yen. After stopping to fill his car with gasoline this morning, all of Hiei's prize money is now gone. L sips on a cup of tea that he overloaded with sugar cubes. Kakashi flips through the pages of Jiraiya's latest perverted novel, "The Spider***k Chronicles". The censors prevent the book's full name from being displayed.
Mugen: All right... now... one of you will be going home this week... and the other two will advance to the finals. L...
L: Yes?
Mugen: You are safe. Kakashi...
Kakashi: What?
Mugen: You are eliminated. Hiei...
Hiei: ...
Mugen: You are safe.
Hiei: Wow, I never would have figured that out on my own. Thanks, Professor Retard.
Kakashi: Oh... so I'm leaving? That's fine with me. This gives me a chance to rest up before season 2 of "Everybody Hates Naruto" later this month. That's "Everybody Hates Naruto", folks! Right here in this timeslot starting on February 29! Be sure to watch! Tell a friend--
Éclair kicks Kakashi off the stage.
Éclair: ENOUGH! If you gave any more advertising, this would be an infomercial!
Mugen: Hiei and L are our two finalists. Last year, our finalists were Kenshin Himura and Edward Elric. To win, they had to defeat the dastardly Dr. Phil. However, the creator of this series is smart enough not to reuse the same storyline idea!
Hamtaro and the others drop from the ceiling.
Mugen: I should have known better. *looks at them* Man, you're tiny. What is this? A supervillain budget cut?
Pikachu: PIKA PI! PIKACHU PIKA PIKA PI CHU!
Furby: Grooba-haba-horo-scopo-jabba-solo-chewbacca!
Hiei: Does anyone have subtitles that we can attach to these things?
Hamtaro: We are the Furry Liberation Union! Or F.L.U. It's catchy, eh? "Beware of the F.L.U.!" It's like the sickness, hee hee!
Éclair: I already got a flu shot, so there! *sticks out tongue*
Hamtaro: You should be ashamed of yourself. You are a young woman in good health. Why would you need a flu shot? Your body can fend off influenza on its own. Those shots should be saved for small children and the elderly. You're a rotten person. By doing that, you kicked a senior citizen into an early grave!
Mugen: Boo this woman! BOO!
Éclair: Et tu, Mugen?
L: There is nothing wrong with what she did. One can never be too careful as far as health is concerned. I do my best to stay in shape and eat right everyday. *eats a cherry pie*
Hamtaro: Oh sure, you're a real picture of good health, Mr. Pastry Popper. You're one Twinkie away from calling Wilford Brimley. Anyway, we are here to take over and--
Hiei picks up all of the creatures up and throws them into a trash can.
Pikachu (muffled): Pika...? Pi pika pi... O.o
Furby (muffled): Nikta-pora-gooba-frodo-bilbo-zoobilee-zoo!
Hamtaro (not so muffled): GET YOUR BEAK OFF OF MY BUTT! IT'S COLD!
Hiei: We don't have time for this nonsense. Get on with the final event.
Mugen: That was the climax...? Weak.
Éclair: Of course it wasn't! This week's event is a battle between our finalists... it's Hiei vs. L!
L: That hardly seems fair. I'm more of a lover than a fighter, although I can do both quite well.
Hiei: A lover of who? Little Debbie? You're afraid of me, that's all.
L: I'm afraid of someone who has to borrow his wardrobe from a Ken doll?
Hiei: Are you saying that I'm... small?
L: I'm saying that a Game Boy is your idea of a big screen TV.
Hiei: OK... now I'm PISSED. Let's do this.
The finalists are led to the roof of the arena by Éclair. This will be their battleground. To make the epic showdown even more epic... and clichéd... the sun sets over the horizon behind them. Hiei draws his katana. L calmly finishes a bag of Skittles.
Éclair: The rules are simple... win! That's it. There are no disqualifications. This is a no holds barred battle to the finish. Now... FIGHT!
L gets into a martial arts stance. He is actually an accomplished fighter in his own right. Hiei twirls his katana and slowly makes his way towards L. Just at that moment, the trash can containing the F.L.U. is tossed onto the roof. It is followed by a bloodied Goku and Mugen. Both lay defeated at Éclair's feet.
Éclair: AH! What happened?!
Mugen: We... were... attacked by... by... hey, I can see up your dress from this angle...
Éclair stomps on Mugen's face. She turns to Goku and asks who beat them up. It is no use; Goku has lost consciousness. The F.L.U. jump out from the trash can with Hamtaro laughing triumphantly.
Hamtaro (laughing triumphantly): BWAHAHAHA! Did you think we'd come without some real muscle to back us up?
Hiei: This chi I'm feeling... it's familiar... an evil chi... one that is greedy and lusts for money...
Billy Mays: I'M BACK!
Hiei: Damn. If only that fool Goku killed him back in episode 19...
Billy Mays, chief shill for OxiClean and a slew of other products, stands on the rooftop. He has a Batman-style utility belt wrapped around his waist. Hiei dashes towards him with his katana extended. Mays reaches into his utility belt and throws OxiClean powder into Hiei's eyes.
Hiei: AH! I've been blinded by As-Seen-on-TV soap! The fates have cursed me greatly!
L covers his eyes with a pair of goggles. He then takes his turn against Mays. The villainous salesman pulls out some Hercules Hooks and uses them to pin L against the arena roof. With L neutralized, Mays' next course of action is to mold some Mighty Putty into the shape of a giant hammer. Like a sinister game of Whack-A-Mole, he repeatedly attempts to smash Hiei with it. Hiei manages to dodge each strike. Éclair is still present, her knees trembling in fear.
L: Éclair, don't just stand there. You're a hero yourself... do something!
Éclair: You mean "heroine."
L: What? Drugs are bad! Did Nancy Reagan teach you nothing?! Now help us!
Éclair: I can't! His porn star beard is scary!
L: Believe in yourself! After all, you are named after a delicious dessert pastry!
Éclair: No, my name means "lightning" in French, but I get where you're coming from.
Éclair rushes to L and releases him from the Hercules Hooks. L jumps up and kicks Mays in the face, causing him to drop his hammer. At this point, Hiei has wiped the soap from his eyes. He punches Mays to send him flying backward. Mays is far from finished. He unveils his trump card, an oversized razor-sharp Samurai Shark. As Hamtaro cheers him on, Mays swipes the deadly weapon at Hiei, L and Éclair.
Éclair: AGH! Where's Kaiba-san?! Shouldn't he be helping? It's his show too!
~~~~~~~~
Stewardess: Are you enjoying your flight, sir?
Kaiba: Oh yes, very much. I'd like some more of these peanuts, if you'd be so kind.
The stewardess walks up the aisle on Kaiba's private airplane to comply with his request. Naru is in the seat next to her employer.
Naru: Should we really have ditched them like that? It seems morally wrong to abandon them.
Kaiba: You know the saying. "He who knows to run away, lives to play golf on his exclusive course in Hawaii another day." I just love being rich. *drinks champagne*
~~~~~~~~
Hiei, L and Éclair are now defeated along with Goku and Mugen. All five lay beaten beneath Billy Mays' feet. Pikachu, Furby and Hamtaro stand behind him.
Hamtaro: YES! Now we can take over the world! A world that will be molded in our image!
Mays: WE CAN HOLD IT TOGETHER WITH MIGHTY PUTTY!
All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Hiei: How does ruining a crappy game show lead to ruling the world?
L: I think it's one of those unexplainable plots, like the Underpants Gnomes on South Park. Stage 1: Ruin the TV show. Stage 2: ???? Stage 3: World conquest.
At that moment, Billy Mays twitches and clutches his chest. He gasps for air, his face turning bright red. As powerful as he is, he cannot defeat a heart attack. Mays' lifeless body topples over backward...
Hamtaro: AAAH!!! WAIT!
Pikachu: PIKA!
Furby: OH SH*T!!
...and he crushes Hamtaro, Pikachu and Furby beneath his girth. Mugen and the others sit up. Hiei pokes Mays. There is no response. The battle is over.
Goku: We lucked out! Woohoo!
L: Did we, Goku? Did we really? I wonder...
~~~~~~~~
Two dark figures watch the TV broadcast from a bedroom somewhere in Japan.
Light: *closes Death Note* Sorry, guys. No one is taking over the world, except for me.
Ryuk: Heh heh, you realize that you just saved L's life, right?
Light: ...and why didn't you say something earlier?! WELL!? ANSWER ME, RYUK!
Ryuk: You hear how your voice sounds right now? That's why. Heh heh, you can't buy comedy like this. *mocks* "ANSWER ME, RYUK!" Hahahaha!
~~~~~~~~
The group reenters the arena to a chorus of applause. Hiei and L take a bow.
Éclair: What a final battle that was! Now, dear viewer, you must decide who our champion will be! Hiei or L? Cast your vote now! The winner will be announced right here next week!
Kakashi: And remember to watch "Everybody Hates Naruto" on February 29! A new season of laughs and--
All: BEAT IT!
Cast your vote in the comments area, by PM or by e-mail! Thanks!
