The scene is a darkened alley somewhere in Japan. A small figure scampers along as raindrops fall from the skies above. The frigid temperature make his breath visible on this night, a night where an unholy alliance is about to be forged. The little creature knocks on a weathered steel door. After receiving word from inside granting him permission to enter, he does so. Inside the building is messy and unkempt. Boxes and trash are scattered everywhere. It is dimly lit and is no warmer than it is outside. The tiny being stops when he finds someone standing in the corner.
Voice: When you called me, I thought it was a joke.
Pikachu: PI PIKACHU! PIKA! PIKA PI!
Voice: Ah, you want revenge against that show too, eh? "Animation Elimination"... hmph. Yes, I watched every week and witnessed how they tortured you.
Pikachu: PIKA PIKA PIKACHU! PIKA PIKA PI PI CHU!
Voice: Yes, I was the one who sent that poisoned pizza to Kaiba a few weeks ago. Like you, I was punished for being small. Kaiba promised us newfound fame and fortune. Lies. Instead, that rat bastard forced me and my friends to be rounded up like rodeo cattle on international television. While I was lucky enough to escape, my friends were murdered, sucked into Miroku's Wind Tunnel. I ask you, my dear friend, how is that "newfound fame and fortune"?
Pikachu: *shrugs* PIKA?
Voice: Seto Kaiba is a pompous fool who'll soon suffer greatly for allowing our kind to be subjected to such humiliating cruelty. Next week... he and his wretched TV show shall pay... heh heh... after all...
Hamtaro: We cute little anime animals have to stick together! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
~~~~~~~
As is the case every week, the Kaiba Arena is filled with rabid fans who eagerly anticipate the newest episode of the #1 rated "Animation Elimination" TV series. Granted, the show is only #1 because it's up against an Oreck XL vacuum cleaner infomercial, a televised game of shuffleboard and a rerun of "Garfield and Friends". Son Goku, the show's lovable-yet-dimwitted announcer is seated in his booth.
Goku: Welcome to Animation Elimination, sponsored by Sony PlayStation 3! "PlayStation 3 - the 3 stands for 3rd place." And now, here are your hosts, Cloud Strife and Tifa Lockhart!
Mugen and Éclair walk onto the set.
Mugen: I hope that I'm Cloud. These legs look horrible in a black miniskirt.
Éclair: *shudders* Ugh. Let's bring out the contestants!
Kakashi is the first to appear. He has his hands stuffed into his pockets. The championship belt he should have is missing, thanks to the wily thief Fujiko Mine snatching it from him last week. Kakashi is followed by Hiei, Roy Mustang and L.
Mugen: OK, the person going home this week is... Roy Mustang.
Roy: Me?! But I just ordered a life-size statue of Jessica Alba! How am I supposed to pay for it?
~~~~Amestris~~~~~
Riza Hawkeye walks into Roy's office and sees the statue.
Riza: What... in heaven's name... is this...?
Hughes: Another one of Roy's "major awards", like the one standing next to it.
Hughes points to a tall electric lamp shaped like a woman's leg.
~~~~~~~
Hiei: You shouldn't write checks your ass can't cash, fool.
Mugen: I tried that once. They kicked me out of the bank after I dropped my pants and the teller refused to pull the check out of my--
Éclair: Mugen, you're the reason why we're rated TV-14.
Goku: Goodbye Roy! Say hello to Siegfried for me!
Roy sighs and leaves, unhappy with the fact that he has to return his new statue. The final three are now Hiei, Kakashi and L.
Mugen: With this being the last week before the finals, no one is safe! That means if you win the event this week, you're still up for votes. No one gets a free pass into the finals. However, if you do win, you receive a prize of 50,000,000 yen.
L: Think of all the Jell-O pudding that could buy...
Hiei: I'll use the money to buy this show some decent writers.
Kakashi: I'll also use it for Jell-O pudding, but for my own personal reasons. I read something in Jiraiya's latest novel that I'm just dying to try out.
Éclair: It won't be that easy. Just like last season, the final three contestants must face the psychotic genius football quarterback from Deimon High School... Eyeshield 21's Yoichi Hiruma!
Yoichi Hiruma, quarterback for the Deimon Devil Bats, enters the scene carrying a large machine gun in his arms and a backpack full of ammunition on his back. At his right side is his trusty (albeit violent) dog, Cerberus. Hiruma's appearance resembles that of a demon complete with pointed ears and razor-sharp fangs. He flashes a sadistic smile to the confused contestants. Yes, this part was copied and pasted from episode 10.
Hiruma: YA-HA! Thanks for inviting me back, Damn Funbags!
Éclair: ...
Hiruma: OK, you punks! You'll be hooked up to a polygraph machine and will be taking a lie detector test. I'll ask you a number of questions. The first time that you lie, you lose. Whatever number of questions you answered truthfully up to that point will be your score. Whoever has the highest amount of points is the winner, YA-HA!
Kakashi: I'm allergic to telling the truth. Can I go home?
A machine is rolled out on a table with two chairs. Hiruma takes a seat with Cerberus sleeping at his feet. Kakashi is the first to go and he is hooked up to the machine. Hiruma begins the questioning.
Hiruma: And answer truthfully if you want to win, Damn Ski Mask. Question one, do you enjoy watching Naruto get beat up?
Kakashi: ...yes.
The machine beeps and a green light flashes. This means that his answer was truthful. To avoid interrupting the flow of the story, only when a false answer is given will there be a notification.
Hiruma: Have you ever eaten ramen at the noodle shop without paying for it?
Kakashi: ... *sigh* yes.
Hiruma: Do you sneak a peek at Lady Tsunade's chest when she gives you a mission?
Kakashi: Uh... oh... um... yes.
Hiruma: Do you use your one normal eye as an excuse to park in handicapped parking spaces?
Kakashi: Heh heh... yes.
Hiruma: Do you think your show is better than One Piece even though One Piece has higher ratings than your show does in Japan?
Kakashi: I... uh... yes.
Hiruma: Have you ever tried to shave off Might Guy's eyebrows while he was sleeping?
Kakashi: *ahem* Yes, but my razor blade broke into several pieces. Those things are THICK.
Hiruma: Yes or no will do.
Kakashi: Sorry.
Hiruma: Have you ever had sexual fantasies about Éclair, this show's co-host?
Éclair: ...
Kakashi: Um... uh... no.
Machine: *BEEP!!!*
A red light blinks with that sound, meaning that Kakashi has lied. The noise awakens Cerebus and the vicious dog gnaws on Kakashi's leg. The shinobi runs away with the dog still latched on.
Hiruma: Honesty is the best policy. Kakashi's score to beat is 6.
Éclair: I can't believe that guy fantasized about me! Pervert!
Mugen: Yeah! He should be ashamed of himself! Having fantasies about you... how pitiful!
Éclair: *looks at him* How about you take the test later?
Mugen: Uh, I'll pass. *shifty eyes*
Hiei takes a seat.
Hiruma: All right, Damn Troll Doll. Let's begin.
Hiei: A troll doll, am I? Well you have a face that only a blind person could love.
Hiruma: So your mama's blind? She seemed like she had good vision last night.
Hiei: You and me... after the show... outside. I'm going to kick your teeth so far down your throat that you'll be pooping out molars for a week.
Hiruma: Watch it, shrimp. I'll kill you and bury you right next to your dead career. First question. When you first met Kurama, you thought he was a girl. Yes or no?
Hiei: Yes.
Hiruma: Did you try to get a date with him before you knew he was a guy?
Hiei: No.
Hiruma: Did you try to get a date with him after y--
Hiei: NO.
Hiruma: Is Yukina your younger sister?
Hiei: ............ yes...
Yukina is in the audience. She stands up in her seat and cries.
Yukina: Why didn't you tell me, Hiei? WHY?! *runs away*
Hiei: I went 112 episodes without telling her and that's ruined here. Thanks, you asspuppet.
Hiruma: Heh heh! Do you hate it when people laugh at you for wearing that black dress?
Hiei: IT'S NOT A DRESS!
Hiruma: I'll take that as a "yes". Is the manga that your anime is based upon sloppily drawn and rushed, lacking detail and signs of real artistic effort?
Hiei: Y-yes...
Hiruma: Do you watch "Hannah Montana" on a regular basis?
Hiei: ...
Hiruma: Answer whenever you feel like it.
Hiei (whispers): ...yes...
Hiruma: Do you ever cry yourself to sleep at night because you're depressed over being so short, lonely and unloved?
Hiei: That's IT! You DIE!
Security tackles Hiei before he can strike. They drag him away as he screams obscenities left and right. Being the final competitor, L takes his place in the hot seat. Hiei can still be heard swearing from backstage.
Éclair: He's really profane, isn't he?
Mugen (Hank Hill voice): I sell profane and profane accessories.
Hiruma: Enough jokes, Damn Hobo. Hiei had 8 total. Now it's your turn, Damn Weirdo.
L: Lay it on me.
Hiruma: Have you ever kissed a girl?
L: Does the girl have to be a real person or do mannequins count?
Hiruma: I REALLY don't want to know what sick hobbies you have, buddy. New question. Does Light Yagami annoy you?
L: Hmm... well, to be honest... yes. Good lord, YES. He's really overdramatic and makes promises on
potato chips. And people call ME weird.
Hiruma: Yes or no will do...
L: And he has that hot Misa girl all over him. Does he act like he wants her? NO. Give her to me, Light. No sense having that sweet BMW parked in the garage if you're not going to drive it.
Hiruma: I'd like to move on--
L: Don't get me started on that Ryuk thing he has floating around behind him. He acts like no one can see him. We ALL see him, Light. And when you're not there, we talk about him and make jokes about him being your lover!
Hiruma: Can I ask the next quest--
L: I KNOW YOU'RE KIRA! You can't fool me! CONFESS! I won't let this happen to me again! I followed O.J. Simpson around for six months and that butthead never admitted he's a murderer! Do you know how frustrating that is?! DO YOU?! And another thing...
Éclair: Uh... let's end the show here and say Hiei is this week's winner. ^_^;;
Mugen: Vote for your one favorite! Everyone is up for votes this week! See you next time!
CONTESTANTS
#01: Hiei
#02: Kakashi Hatake
#03: L
L: You suck at tennis, Light! You hear me? What kind of name is "Light" anyway? Your parents were hippies, weren't they?
Janitor: Excuse me. The show ended three hours ago...
Cast your vote in the comments area, by PM or by e-mail! Thanks!
