Birthday • 1983-06-17 Gender •
Male Location • St. Louis Member Since • 2003-08-03 Occupation • Real Name • Christopher (or Chris for short)
Personal
Achievements • running this blog for 4 1/2 years and finally being able to conclude it Anime Fan Since • I watched the original Transformers... I had no idea it was anime at the time... Favorite Anime • Dragon Ball, Bleach, Inuyasha, Naruto, Fullmetal Alchemist, Gintama, Eyeshield 21, Kinnikuman, Death Note, One Piece Goals • to make my happy ending come true by defeating El Diablo, the albino squirrel overlord Hobbies • video games, drawing (yet I have no fan art submitted...), watching anime, etc. Talents • I can change my voice into 10-15 others, maybe more...
myOtaku.com: lordsesshomaru
Welcome to my site archives. 10 posts are listed per page.
LS vs. Baron Loudmouth Opening Thought
I'm not sure why Toonami has been cut down to only two hours, 50% of that being Naruto and another 25% being a Dragon Ball Z rerun. It's like those robots that run the broadcast just set the thing on auto-pilot before heading out to a nightclub.
Comment Response (11/02/07)
Oops, I didn't get to the guestbooks... oh well... maybe some other time.
Thanks to everyone who read "Animation Elimination" after missing it the week before. *bows* There will be a new episode this week. Find out who gets eliminated on Friday.
Hahaha, I also recently saw the episode of Batman: The Animated Series involving a dream world created by The Mad Hatter. In the episode, it is said that people cannot read in their dreams... although I could swear that I have in the past. Probably not. That's also my favorite non-anime, non-comedy animated series.
As the dream went on, I had no idea it was a dream. If I knew it was a dream, which rarely occurs, I'd undoubtedly manipulate it so I'd have superpowers and be able to bring the girls of Dead or Alive to life. What? I'm a guy! Sue me!
I really do not want that dream interpreted. The true meaning will probably horrify me into never sleeping again.
Why do I want a pet Bawabawa? (Bawabawa is a friendly Hollow creature from Bleach that looks a bit like a giant eel) I felt bad for him when they made him cry...
Family
My father's condition hasn't been mentioned in a while, so here's an update. *ahem* He's about the same as always. After being hit with a stroke several months ago, he has made improvements in his speech and movements. But in recent weeks, there hasn't been much of a change for better or for worse. That's why I don't mention him as often as I did before... there isn't anything new to report, Lol. He's doing fine overall. Still a bit stubborn with the nurses at the home, but what can you do, eh?
On a related note, I visited him on Sunday and that nurse who bothered me about rolling around in the wheelchair a while back reared her ugly head. She slithered into the room and gave my father some medication while giving me the evil eye. Ever see "Monsters, Inc."? She reminds me of the character Roz who worked at the desk, regularly asking monsters for paperwork. It took me a while to figure out who she reminds me of and now I know. I'll immediately bury the hatchet with this nurse if I ever hear her say the word "Wazowski".
Billy Mays
Longtime readers of my nonsense should be familiar with my dislike of Billy "OxiClean" Mays and his commercials. If I was a superhero, my rogues gallery would have a place for Mr. Mays in addition to Rosie O'Donnell, The Burger King, O.J. Simpson, the entire New England Patriots football team and, of course, El Diablo Santiago IV, the leader of the Squirrel Army:
Remember him? That frosty white fur indicates how cold his soul is.
For those who do not know because he doesn't run ads in their country (lucky), Billy Mays is a loud, jolly man with a porn-star beard who advertises for many products on TV in the United States. Think of him as a younger, salesman-version of Santa Claus and you'll get an idea of what he is like in appearance and personality. Upon recently seeing him shill for a device called the "Handy Switch" light, I began to wonder just exactly how many things this man has pitched for. I did some research online and came across the following incomplete list (meaning there's more than what is shown).
OxiClean
Orange Clean
Orange Glo
Kaboom!
Hercules Hook wall hangers
Ding King automotive dent remover
Gopher reaching tool
Zorbeez absorbent towels
Lint-B-Gone lint brush
Samurai Shark knife sharpener
Liquid Diamond car waxing product
Awesome Auger
Ground Auger
Weed Auger
Power Extender
Simoniz Fix It Scratch Remover
Grip Wrench
Turbo Tiger vacuum cleaner
Fix It car scratcher remover
FreeFone wireless phone holder
Swamp Busters
Handy Switch remote light switches
Mighty Putty
Easy off bam!
Grandmaster Pimp Daddy feathered hats and diamond walking canes
Hmm... maybe not that last one... but look at the rest of the lengthy list. He's like a walking, talking Family Dollar store.
And now because I can, here's a picture of a Furby.
LS vs. Grimmjow the Robber Opening Thought
I'd like to know who discovered that cow's milk is suitable for human consumption. Somewhere in history, some drunk/psycho went into a barn and suckled on a cow. And thus the dairy industry was born.
Comment Response (11/01/07)
Only a person with no soul can hate Winnie the Pooh. All he wants to do is eat honey and walk around wearing a t-shirt with no pants. Is that so wrong? Is that a crime? I mean, besides the "no pants" thing...
Tigger strikes me as the "cool" friend that gets all the girls and refuses to bail you out of jail when you get busted for holding HIS marijuana stash. No, I'm not speaking from personal experience.
If the adult trick-or-treater was an attractive woman in a revealing outfit, I still wouldn't give her any candy. But I'd go easy on her... the wrench wouldn't be used to shoo her off my property.
I don't have a favorite burger joint. I hardly go to those places, but when I do, it depends on which one is closest based on my current location.
I was referring to Michael Jordan, the retired basketball player, in my opening yesterday... not Michael Jackson... both are immortal: Jordan for reasons unknown and Jackson for being a living Happy Meal toy made of plastic.
Due to the unfortunate myOtaku website downtime over the weekend, my results for last week's debut of "Animation Elimination" may not be entirely accurate. While I did receive a decent amount of votes and enough to make a clear elimination, I'd like for people who couldn't access it last week to have their chance now. As such, there is no new episode this week. Episode 2 will be up next Friday. If you've read it before, you are free to read it again if you'd like. You can even vote again, although I won't count your vote if you do, Lol.
I apologize for the slight delay and inconvenience. This is how I feel is the best way to handle the situation and I promise a new episode next week. And now... on with the rerun!
As the crimson sun sets slowly over the Tokyo skyline, thousands of fans flock inside of the Kaiba Arena for this season's Animation Elimination. The hit TV series that took Japan by storm has returned with twelve new contestants and a fresh-yet-familiar feeling that comforts the people in attendance. The fans in the audience are mostly cosplayers dressing as the characters in the show. They all scream loudly and vibrantly to express their excitement for the new season.
The arena itself is the same as it was last year; an indoor facility that looks like it could also be used for hockey or basketball. Focused lights shine down from the rafters in hues of purple, red and silver. A set of plain white lights are used to illuminate the stage. The stage is designed to look like an opened giant volume of manga. Panels featuring art from “Rurouni Kenshin” are displayed prominently as it was that series' hero, Kenshin Himura, who won Animation Elimination last season.
Above the stage in a small booth is the announcer for this season, a new job added to help expand the series. He is currently eating a box full of Eggo waffles... which are still frozen. Surrounding his gluttonous body are empty packages of food.
Stagehand: Psst! Hey! You're supposed to announce the hosts as they enter onto the set!
Goku (from Dragon Ball): *eating* Oh yeah. What are their names?
Stagehand: You should have a paper up there with that information.
Goku: I think I ate that. But don't worry! I have a photographic memory of the things that I eat!
Stagehand: START THE SHOW!
Goku: Right. *ahem* LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! And here are your hosts, Peanut Butter Crunch and Butterball Turkey!
Stagehand: ...
The aloof samurai Mugen (Samurai Champloo) and his co-host, the beautiful Éclair (Kiddy Grade) walk onstage to a chorus of cheers and applause.
Éclair: Bizarre introduction aside, it's good to be back!
Mugen: Yes! Anything that will get me out of alcoholic rehab is A-OK with me! Now let's start the show. First, the twelve contestants must please walk onto the stage.
Just as it began last year, a dozen well-known anime characters enter from a door on the other end of the stage. They are greeted by a warm series of cheers from the crowd in attendance. And just like last year, some wave to the fans, others blow kisses, and one crosses his arms with disapproval.
Hiei: Hmph. This is ridiculous.
Gojyo: What's the matter, shorty? Did mommy lock your highchair too tightly this morning?
Hiei: OK, you're now on my list.
Éclair: Contestants, please line up and introduce yourselves from left to right.
Sango: My name is Sango from Inuyasha. Hello everyone.
Hiei: Hiei. YuYu Hakusho.
Pikachu: Pikachu! Pi pika pi!
Kakashi: Kakashi Hatake. That's the name I give to people and I'm from Naruto.
Rangiku: Hey there! I'm Rangiku Matsumoto from Bleach.
Mugen: Hey, I remember you from rehab! It's good to see those-- I mean, to see YOU again...
Faye: I'm Faye Valentine from Cowboy Bebop. If I'm not getting paid, I'm out of here.
Gojyo: I'm Sha Gojyo from Saiyuki. Remember the name, ladies. You'll be screaming it over and over again later tonight. *winks*
Éclair: Another season, another pervert...
Roy: Colonel Roy Mustang, Fullmetal Alchemist. Ladies, if you prefer someone in the military with an extensive Barry White album collection, I am available tonight too. *winks*
Éclair: TWO perverts?!
Zoro: Roronoa Zoro from One Piece. Bite me.
L: You can call me L. You'll find me in Death Note. *sniff* I smell Twinkies. Someone... get me a Twinkie at once.
Chiyo: Good evening! I'm Chiyo Mihama from Azumanga Daioh! I appreciate any support you give me! *bows cutely*
Girls in audience: Awww...
Prime: OPTIMUS PRIME. TRANSFORMERS. I'M REPRESENTING FOR MY MACHINES OUT THERE.
Appliances in audience: *buzz!* *click!* *whir!* *vroom!*
Éclair: Quite a cast this year... a group of perverts, midgets, people with bad attitudes and giant walking toaster carrying a machine gun.
Prime: WATCH IT, HONEY. I AM A MOVIE STAR. HOW MANY MOVIES HAVE YOU BEEN IN?
Mugen: You mean besides the dirty ones you can get on BitTorrent? OWW!
Éclair has just stomped on Mugen's foot. She grumbles and prepares to explain the rules of the show.
Éclair: OK, now pay attention everyone...
Gojyo: Damn... *looks at Éclair, Rangiku, Faye and Sango* ...babes everywhere.
L has climbed up into Goku's announcing booth and is eating Twinkies with him. Roy and Gojyo (unsuccessfully) flirt with the women. Pikachu is chased around by Optimus Prime. Zoro sits in the corner and shines his swords. Hiei mutters to himself about stabbing someone in the face or something along those lines. Chiyo gives autographs to fans. Kakashi reads his dirty book in a corner across from Zoro.
Éclair: Excuse me... everyone... excuse me for just a moment... HEY!!!!
Everyone: O_o
Éclair: Thank you. Each week, there will be a contest held. You all will compete against each other. Whoever wins the event is the champion for the week. All the others are subjected to the votes of the fans at home. They vote for their favorites. Whoever has the fewest amount of votes is eliminated on the next week's show. The champion, however, is safe from elimination for the week and no votes will be counted for or against him or her. At the end of the whole competition, the winner will receive a mystery grand prize! Those are the rules. TA-DAH! Back to you, Mugen.
Mugen: *on cell phone* Fuu, stop sending me those damn text messages. If you want to talk, CALL me like a normal person. *pause* What do you mean it's because I can't read?! That's... true... but you don't have to bring it up...
Éclair: You're still hopeless. Now let's begin this week's event.
A paved track raises up around the stage. At a location sectioned off on one side is a group of twelve bicycles.
Éclair: You'll each ride a bicycle around the track as fast as you can for 10 laps. Whoever finishes first is safe from elimination this week.
Faye: Get real. Do I look like Lance Armstrong?
Roy: Armstrong?! Where? O_o
Everyone gets on a bike, except for Pikachu and Optimus Prime. Pikachu is far too small. Optimus Prime is way too large.
Pikachu: Pika pi! Ka chu! Chu!
Prime: THIS SHOW IS RACIST AGAINST GIANT ROBOTS. I SHALL SUE.
Éclair: Uhh... oh yeah, we have special bikes for you.
Two bikes are removed and replaced with a tiny bike for Pikachu and large one for Optimus. Once everyone is seated, the race is ready to begin.
Chiyo: Wait! I can't ride without training wheels yet.
Éclair: You're so cute! Mugen, attach some training wheels for her.
Mugen: Zzzzz...
Sango: I'll do it.
After Chiyo is ready thanks to Sango's assistance, the racers all line up at the starting line.
Goku: On your mark, get set-- *DING!* Oh! My microwave burrito is done!
Zoro: Is he going to eat for the entire show?
Éclair: Just go. -_-;;
The race starts and everyone pedals. Optimus is still too heavy and his bike collapses beneath him. Gojyo kicks Pikachu off the track and into the crowd.
Éclair: We got those special bikes for nothing...
Hiei is in the lead with Kakashi right behind him. Following them is Zoro and Sango. Rangiku is in the back, weighted down by her ample bosom.
Rangiku: No fair! My chest is too heavy! Oh well. *pulls over and drinks a bottle of vodka*
L, currently on a sugar high, speeds past everyone from behind and takes the lead during the 5th lap. Roy uses his flame alchemy to blast Gojyo off the track.
Roy: Sorry, pal. There's only room for one ladies' man on this show.
Éclair: HEY! Stop doing that!
Goku: It isn't against the rules. I guess they can do that.
Éclair: Fine. Everyone! This is now a demolition derby! The last one standing wins!
Roy grins ruthlessly and blasts Kakashi off the track when he hears that. L rides past Rangiku and takes her bottle of vodka. Sango is riding neck-and-neck with Faye. She bumps into Faye and Faye bumps her back. They go back and forth for a few moments until Faye gets fed up.
Faye: @#$% this.
She shoots her gun at Sango's front tire to send her spinning off the course and into the crowd. Roy is now in second place behind L... which doesn't matter since this a demolition derby...
Roy: You're going down, sugar junkie!
L: I think not. See ya.
At the exact moment Roy goes to create another alchemical spark with his glove, L tosses Rangiku's vodka into the air and onto Roy. Roy's body is engulfed in flames and he flies off the track.
Roy: Hot, hot, HOT! Thank goodness for asbestos underwear...!
Mugen: Sweet! That dude with the droopy eyes is hardcore!
Rangiku: MY BOOZE! He ruined my booze!
Mugen: *looks at Rangiku's chest* Your booze look fine to me.
Éclair: *smacks Mugen* She said BOOZE, not-- never mind.
The remaining combatants are now L, Faye, Hiei, Zoro and Chiyo. Hiei rides after Zoro and Faye goes after L. Faye fires her gun at him, the stray bullets sent whizzing into the crowd.
Mugen: Our legal department isn't going to like this.
Hiei and Zoro clash swords while riding on their bikes. They eventually get off the bikes and fight on-foot. The duelists battle into the audience, up the aisles and into the streets of Tokyo.
Éclair: I guess they're out. We're down to three!
L pulls out a Twinkie from before and squeezes the crème filling into Faye's eyes. He shoves her off the track. Now it's down to him and little Chiyo-chan.
Chiyo: Oh no...
L: Great. I can't hit a kid. Hmm... let's see.
Chiyo: WAAAAAAH!! Don't hurt me!
L: Shh! I'm not going to! Please don't cry...
Chiyo breaks Rangiku's empty vodka bottle over his head. L collapses and is unconscious on the floor.
Goku: Here is your winner... CHIYO!
Chiyo: HAHAHAHAHA! I win! ^_^
Mugen: Behind that cute exterior is a cunning mind... a cold, calculating, cunning mind... she outsmarted L...
Éclair: Wow. Well, Chiyo is exempt from voting this week. Folks at home! You decide who goes and who stays! Choose your top three favorites from the list on the screen! Choose no more than THREE! Thank you and see you next week!
CONTESTANTS
#01: Sango
#02: Hiei
#03: Pikachu
#04: Kakashi Hatake
#05: Rangiku Matsumoto
#06: Faye Valentine
#07: Sha Gojyo
#08: Roy Mustang
#09: Roronoa Zoro
#10: L
#11: Chiyo Mihama (THIS WEEK'S CHAMPION - no vote)
#12: Optimus Prime
Cast your votes in the comments area! Choose three people and only three! Thanks!
Dream
This section is very long. However, it is the ONLY section of text besides the story rerun above.
They say that you can measure a person's level of sanity by what that person's dreams are like. Who are "they", you ask? Why, the voices in my head, of course. Silly old bear. Last night I had another odd one and I made sure to jot it down before I forgot. That was a needless action, seeing as I remembered it all day long and up to this point right now.
Oh yeah, EVERY time I mention a dream, someone has to say "I've had weirder dreams". I'm not saying this is the weirdest. By far, it is not. But I feel like sharing it because I don't understand it... which is always how it is...
I was in a movie theater with my younger brother, Jeff. We were watching "Bee Movie". Next to us were these twin guys that I went to college with. They were playing handheld videogames and talking on their cell phones during the show. As they did, the movie transformed into a projected image of the videogame they were playing. The game played like a race. Four characters would run through a course in a busy city while carrying weapons (baseball bats, crowbars, etc.) and beating each other up along the way. Whoever made it to the end first was the winner. When all four reached the end, a random set of weapons would pop up and each player would pick one to continue the game in the next round.
Now that I think about it, that'd be a great multiplayer game... senseless violence = FUN!
After seeing that on the movie screen, Jeff and I went to the Gamestop located in the same shopping compound as the theater. We went in there and browsed through the games. There were only two people working there: William Hung ("American Idol") and comedian Carlos Mencia. Personally, I think Mencia is funny, but only in small doses. He can get real annoying, real fast. He didn't do much in the dream besides watch me like a hawk, presuming I was a shoplifter. If I was, it didn't matter... games could only be obtained from behind the register by exchanging an empty case from the store shelves.
Then I picked up three games: Bust-A-Groove (dancing game for PS1), an unnamed title featuring a skater on the front and a third I don't remember. I went to the register to get the games... although, I didn't have to exchange an empty case. Instead, each game was represented by a Rice Krispies Treat. A big one too. William Hung could tell which game was which just by looking at each unlabeled Treat. The total purchase was only $2.98 and we were on our way out of the store.
At that point, Bleach's Grimmjow Jeagerjaques approached us and he took me away. He was planning a heist, a burglary, a theft that would land us in jail if we were caught. We had to sneak through an air duct to get inside the building to steal whatever Grimmjow was after. I couldn't fit in the duct and I suggested we find another way. "GET YOUR ASS IN THERE!" shrieked Grimmjow. "But I can't fit in there! Neither can you!" I replied. "SHUT UP! GET IN THERE!" We argued until I woke up.
And there you go. No boxing chickens, no evil penguins, no Batman and no kleptomaniac Benjamin Franklin. At least, not this time around.
I haven't replied to guestbook entries in at least six weeks... I'll try to get around to that this weekend. I'm thinking about shutting off my guestbook. About 80-90% of the people who sign it never visit me again. Commenting on my site is a better way to catch my attention anyway. ^^;
Pic of the Day (v2.0) - REWIND
Anime: Rurouni Kenshin, Naruto
LS vs. Tigger Opening Thought
I just saw a commercial for Hanes featuring Michael Jordan. That man has looked exactly the same since 1990 and I think he is immortal, like those people in Highlander.
Comment Response (10/31/07)
For those who missed the first "Animation Elimination" episode (as noted by a few comments), you can read it tomorrow. You can also vote and I will count them.
LOL, so many "I'm not a terrorist..." comments yesterday. *chuckles* Yes, I did say that I love candy, but I don't find it unfair to deny it to those who are old enough to shave. I don't like giving candy to people who are old enough to go buy their own. Get off my doorstep and drive to Wal-Mart, ya bum.
I forgot that I already declared war against the squirrels back in 1996 and then again in 1999, 2002, and twice in 2004. Oops.
Trick-or-Treat
The children came to my door for candy, more than last year and the year before. I happily gave them all that I could and there were no members of the AT&T Mafia in sight. And that's good. I would've taken the wrench to 'em. That'd give them something to talk about in the college smoking lounge the next day. "Yeah... this crazy guy in a plaid bathrobe and Cardinals cap swung a monkey wrench at us... it was insane... and his fly was open..." One memorable costume was a preschool-aged boy dressed as Winnie the Pooh, complete with a "hunny" pot used for collecting candy. A girl accompanying him (his sister, I presume) was Tigger, but I hate Tigger... that stupid bouncing tiger-thing, stealing the show away from poor Pooh...
My really old VHS copy of "The Nightmare Before Christmas" that was purchased back in 1994 (it still works great too) kept me company for the evening. I watch it every Halloween, a tradition if you will. All of the great characters never get old... like Jack the anorexic and Santa Claus with his red muumuu outfit.
In elementary school, we were allowed to wear our costumes to school on Halloween. My third grade costume was Buster Bunny from Tiny Toon Adventures. I pretty much sealed my fate as a dork right there. As popular as that show was during that time, it didn't change the fact that I was a boy in a blue bunny costume. Maybe if I went as Plucky Duck instead...
Theme Thursday
Every Thursday, I post an opening video to an anime of my choosing. Anime titles are randomly drawn from a hat, which is hard to do as I'm still wearing the hat during the selection process. This week I'm focusing on Buso Renkin, a series from the creator of Rurouni Kenshin, Nobuhiro Watsuki. I'm not sure, but I believe the words "buso" and "renkin" mean "taking other people's ideas". It's about a team of alchemists fighting against evil monsters called homunculi (sound familiar?), although the premise of the series has more to do with Bleach than Fullmetal Alchemist:
teen boy is attacked by a monster
teen girl who works for a special agency assists in saving him which results in the boy gaining superpowers to fight more monsters
the boy decides to join in the fight to combat the monsters while maintaining his life as a student in high school
Hell, even the guy's sister looks like an Orihime clone (except for the chest region; she'll appear about 26-28 seconds into the video). Tite Kubo should sue Watsuki, or at the very least, kick him in the bagpipe. Even with that said, it isn't a bad series overall... just not an original one.
Pic of the Day (v2.0) - REWIND
Anime: Fullmetal Alchemist, Death Note
LS vs. The AT&T Mafia I admittedly do not pay much attention to what the higher-ups do here at theOtaku and myOtaku. When the server thing went down over the weekend, I was caught off-guard until I remembered some others saying things about this days prior. And as is usually the case when this happens, I used the situation to play it lazy and not be here for two days. *ahem* I'm back now. It's good to see that everything is up and running again.
Because of what occured, my results for the voting in "Animation Elimination" may be tainted. There will be no new episode this Friday. Instead, I'll re-post the first episode for those who missed it. If you already voted, you won't have to do so again. I've recorded your feedback and I thank you for participating. I apologize for doing this, but I think it's the best thing to do, considering what happened.
Comment Response (10/26/07)
There was no announcer in the last season of "AE". I added the position for this season as a new feature.
I admit that Chiyo winning the event was a bit predictable, Lol. I'm not the type to have a little girl get attacked in my writing, so I let her win. Even I (as sophomoric, vulgar and immature as I may be) have my limits.
Oddly enough, I went to the supermarket earlier today and there was another 400-500 lb. man riding in a Rascal scooter. I'm telling you, these people look like circus bears on mopeds. When I'm King, this shall be outlawed. But if it has to be allowed, the Rascal scooter must play the MIDI music currently featured with my avatar (see upper right corner).
Hell-oween
Tonight I get to hand out candy to the little children who ring my doorbell and interrupt me as I eat my "Hungry Man" dinner as they do every year. In a manner similar to the orphan Oliver Twist, they'll beg for treats with their bag open and ready. I'll give them some sweets with my mouth full of boneless fried chicken, the crumbs falling into the bag as an added bonus. Hopefully no one who is my age will be at the door. It's the oddest thing in the world to hand candy to a grown man in an Elmo mask, let me tell you. A parent/guardian taking their kids around the neighborhood is fine. A lone adult (or, while I'm at it, older teenager) begging for candy seems weird to me. And if you tell them "no", they'll key your car or egg the home windows. Either you give in to their demands or you pay the price. With that said, I've come to the following conclusion.
Older trick-or-treaters are terrorists.
I ask, nay, DEMAND that the Department of Homestyle Security... Homestead Security... Homeboy Security... um, the government! I DEMAND that the United States government investigate and shake-down every trick-or-treater over the age of 14. As neither a Democrat or a Republican, my vote for 2008 is up in the air right now. However, the first candidate to promise that they'll go after this group, who I call the AT&T Mafia (Adult Trick & Treating), will earn my vote.
Oh yeah, Happy Halloween.
Japanese TV
With it being Halloween, I figured that a video featuring people getting scared would be appropriate (although it doesn't have anything to do with the holiday itself). This week's video from Japan is 1:52 in length and focuses on a clever prank that I wish I thought of myself.
Pic of the Day (v2.0)
Anime: n/a
(image courtesy of Knight Edge)
And now they mock my avatar. This means war.To my beloved Samantha, I wish you a happy birthday and many more. ^^
Ah, so I'm not the only one with the nose-blowing-ear-popping problem. New medical question. Does anyone else have eyes that water when they yawn?
Yes, that Pikachu image was disturbing indeed. It was unedited besides some resizing so it'd fit in my post box (hmm... I really shouldn't have said "box" now that I think about it...). It makes me wonder what people are thinking when they make things like that.
All right. We're at Fanfic Friday once again and today is the start of "Animation Elimination" season two. For those who are unfamiliar with this, I will gladly explain but I encourage you to view the archives and skim over last year's episodes. However, it is not required to participate.
This works similar to my tournament in March. Every Friday (unless noted otherwise), I'll post an episode of my comedy reality/game show spoof. Twelve anime characters will compete in an event with only one coming out as the week's champion. The remaining eleven, if they want to stay on the show, need your votes. You can vote for your top THREE choices by leaving their names in the comment box or sending them to me by PM or e-mail. You don't have to choose exactly three, but do not choose any more than three. The champion for the week doesn't receive votes and is guaranteed to participate in the following week. The person with the fewest amount of votes overall is booted from the show. The process continues weekly until only one remains and is crowned the Animation Elimination champion.
There. With that out of the way, I proudly present the start of season two. I hope that you enjoy the show and please be sure to vote after you finish. ^^
As the crimson sun sets slowly over the Tokyo skyline, thousands of fans flock inside of the Kaiba Arena for this season's Animation Elimination. The hit TV series that took Japan by storm has returned with twelve new contestants and a fresh-yet-familiar feeling that comforts the people in attendance. The fans in the audience are mostly cosplayers dressing as the characters in the show. They all scream loudly and vibrantly to express their excitement for the new season.
The arena itself is the same as it was last year; an indoor facility that looks like it could also be used for hockey or basketball. Focused lights shine down from the rafters in hues of purple, red and silver. A set of plain white lights are used to illuminate the stage. The stage is designed to look like an opened giant volume of manga. Panels featuring art from “Rurouni Kenshin” are displayed prominently as it was that series' hero, Kenshin Himura, who won Animation Elimination last season.
Above the stage in a small booth is the announcer for this season, a new job added to help expand the series. He is currently eating a box full of Eggo waffles... which are still frozen. Surrounding his gluttonous body are empty packages of food.
Stagehand: Psst! Hey! You're supposed to announce the hosts as they enter onto the set!
Goku (from Dragon Ball): *eating* Oh yeah. What are their names?
Stagehand: You should have a paper up there with that information.
Goku: I think I ate that. But don't worry! I have a photographic memory of the things that I eat!
Stagehand: START THE SHOW!
Goku: Right. *ahem* LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! And here are your hosts, Peanut Butter Crunch and Butterball Turkey!
Stagehand: ...
The aloof samurai Mugen (Samurai Champloo) and his co-host, the beautiful Éclair (Kiddy Grade) walk onstage to a chorus of cheers and applause.
Éclair: Bizarre introduction aside, it's good to be back!
Mugen: Yes! Anything that will get me out of alcoholic rehab is A-OK with me! Now let's start the show. First, the twelve contestants must please walk onto the stage.
Just as it began last year, a dozen well-known anime characters enter from a door on the other end of the stage. They are greeted by a warm series of cheers from the crowd in attendance. And just like last year, some wave to the fans, others blow kisses, and one crosses his arms with disapproval.
Hiei: Hmph. This is ridiculous.
Gojyo: What's the matter, shorty? Did mommy lock your highchair too tightly this morning?
Hiei: OK, you're now on my list.
Éclair: Contestants, please line up and introduce yourselves from left to right.
Sango: My name is Sango from Inuyasha. Hello everyone.
Hiei: Hiei. YuYu Hakusho.
Pikachu: Pikachu! Pi pika pi!
Kakashi: Kakashi Hatake. That's the name I give to people and I'm from Naruto.
Rangiku: Hey there! I'm Rangiku Matsumoto from Bleach.
Mugen: Hey, I remember you from rehab! It's good to see those-- I mean, to see YOU again...
Faye: I'm Faye Valentine from Cowboy Bebop. If I'm not getting paid, I'm out of here.
Gojyo: I'm Sha Gojyo from Saiyuki. Remember the name, ladies. You'll be screaming it over and over again later tonight. *winks*
Éclair: Another season, another pervert...
Roy: Colonel Roy Mustang, Fullmetal Alchemist. Ladies, if you prefer someone in the military with an extensive Barry White album collection, I am available tonight too. *winks*
Éclair: TWO perverts?!
Zoro: Roronoa Zoro from One Piece. Bite me.
L: You can call me L. You'll find me in Death Note. *sniff* I smell Twinkies. Someone... get me a Twinkie at once.
Chiyo: Good evening! I'm Chiyo Mihama from Azumanga Daioh! I appreciate any support you give me! *bows cutely*
Girls in audience: Awww...
Prime: OPTIMUS PRIME. TRANSFORMERS. I'M REPRESENTING FOR MY MACHINES OUT THERE.
Appliances in audience: *buzz!* *click!* *whir!* *vroom!*
Éclair: Quite a cast this year... a group of perverts, midgets, people with bad attitudes and giant walking toaster carrying a machine gun.
Prime: WATCH IT, HONEY. I AM A MOVIE STAR. HOW MANY MOVIES HAVE YOU BEEN IN?
Mugen: You mean besides the dirty ones you can get on BitTorrent? OWW!
Éclair has just stomped on Mugen's foot. She grumbles and prepares to explain the rules of the show.
Éclair: OK, now pay attention everyone...
Gojyo: Damn... *looks at Éclair, Rangiku, Faye and Sango* ...babes everywhere.
L has climbed up into Goku's announcing booth and is eating Twinkies with him. Roy and Gojyo (unsuccessfully) flirt with the women. Pikachu is chased around by Optimus Prime. Zoro sits in the corner and shines his swords. Hiei mutters to himself about stabbing someone in the face or something along those lines. Chiyo gives autographs to fans. Kakashi reads his dirty book in a corner across from Zoro.
Éclair: Excuse me... everyone... excuse me for just a moment... HEY!!!!
Everyone: O_o
Éclair: Thank you. Each week, there will be a contest held. You all will compete against each other. Whoever wins the event is the champion for the week. All the others are subjected to the votes of the fans at home. They vote for their favorites. Whoever has the fewest amount of votes is eliminated on the next week's show. The champion, however, is safe from elimination for the week and no votes will be counted for or against him or her. At the end of the whole competition, the winner will receive a mystery grand prize! Those are the rules. TA-DAH! Back to you, Mugen.
Mugen: *on cell phone* Fuu, stop sending me those damn text messages. If you want to talk, CALL me like a normal person. *pause* What do you mean it's because I can't read?! That's... true... but you don't have to bring it up...
Éclair: You're still hopeless. Now let's begin this week's event.
A paved track raises up around the stage. At a location sectioned off on one side is a group of twelve bicycles.
Éclair: You'll each ride a bicycle around the track as fast as you can for 10 laps. Whoever finishes first is safe from elimination this week.
Faye: Get real. Do I look like Lance Armstrong?
Roy: Armstrong?! Where? O_o
Everyone gets on a bike, except for Pikachu and Optimus Prime. Pikachu is far too small. Optimus Prime is way too large.
Pikachu: Pika pi! Ka chu! Chu!
Prime: THIS SHOW IS RACIST AGAINST GIANT ROBOTS. I SHALL SUE.
Éclair: Uhh... oh yeah, we have special bikes for you.
Two bikes are removed and replaced with a tiny bike for Pikachu and large one for Optimus. Once everyone is seated, the race is ready to begin.
Chiyo: Wait! I can't ride without training wheels yet.
Éclair: You're so cute! Mugen, attach some training wheels for her.
Mugen: Zzzzz...
Sango: I'll do it.
After Chiyo is ready thanks to Sango's assistance, the racers all line up at the starting line.
Goku: On your mark, get set-- *DING!* Oh! My microwave burrito is done!
Zoro: Is he going to eat for the entire show?
Éclair: Just go. -_-;;
The race starts and everyone pedals. Optimus is still too heavy and his bike collapses beneath him. Gojyo kicks Pikachu off the track and into the crowd.
Éclair: We got those special bikes for nothing...
Hiei is in the lead with Kakashi right behind him. Following them is Zoro and Sango. Rangiku is in the back, weighted down by her ample bosom.
Rangiku: No fair! My chest is too heavy! Oh well. *pulls over and drinks a bottle of vodka*
L, currently on a sugar high, speeds past everyone from behind and takes the lead during the 5th lap. Roy uses his flame alchemy to blast Gojyo off the track.
Roy: Sorry, pal. There's only room for one ladies' man on this show.
Éclair: HEY! Stop doing that!
Goku: It isn't against the rules. I guess they can do that.
Éclair: Fine. Everyone! This is now a demolition derby! The last one standing wins!
Roy grins ruthlessly and blasts Kakashi off the track when he hears that. L rides past Rangiku and takes her bottle of vodka. Sango is riding neck-and-neck with Faye. She bumps into Faye and Faye bumps her back. They go back and forth for a few moments until Faye gets fed up.
Faye: @#$% this.
She shoots her gun at Sango's front tire to send her spinning off the course and into the crowd. Roy is now in second place behind L... which doesn't matter since this a demolition derby...
Roy: You're going down, sugar junkie!
L: I think not. See ya.
At the exact moment Roy goes to create another alchemical spark with his glove, L tosses Rangiku's vodka into the air and onto Roy. Roy's body is engulfed in flames and he flies off the track.
Roy: Hot, hot, HOT! Thank goodness for asbestos underwear...!
Mugen: Sweet! That dude with the droopy eyes is hardcore!
Rangiku: MY BOOZE! He ruined my booze!
Mugen: *looks at Rangiku's chest* Your booze look fine to me.
Éclair: *smacks Mugen* She said BOOZE, not-- never mind.
The remaining combatants are now L, Faye, Hiei, Zoro and Chiyo. Hiei rides after Zoro and Faye goes after L. Faye fires her gun at him, the stray bullets sent whizzing into the crowd.
Mugen: Our legal department isn't going to like this.
Hiei and Zoro clash swords while riding on their bikes. They eventually get off the bikes and fight on-foot. The duelists battle into the audience, up the aisles and into the streets of Tokyo.
Éclair: I guess they're out. We're down to three!
L pulls out a Twinkie from before and squeezes the crème filling into Faye's eyes. He shoves her off the track. Now it's down to him and little Chiyo-chan.
Chiyo: Oh no...
L: Great. I can't hit a kid. Hmm... let's see.
Chiyo: WAAAAAAH!! Don't hurt me!
L: Shh! I'm not going to! Please don't cry...
Chiyo breaks Rangiku's empty vodka bottle over his head. L collapses and is unconscious on the floor.
Goku: Here is your winner... CHIYO!
Chiyo: HAHAHAHAHA! I win! ^_^
Mugen: Behind that cute exterior is a cunning mind... a cold, calculating, cunning mind... she outsmarted L...
Éclair: Wow. Well, Chiyo is exempt from voting this week. Folks at home! You decide who goes and who stays! Choose your top three favorites from the list on the screen! Choose no more than THREE! Thank you and see you next week!
CONTESTANTS
#01: Sango
#02: Hiei
#03: Pikachu
#04: Kakashi Hatake
#05: Rangiku Matsumoto
#06: Faye Valentine
#07: Sha Gojyo
#08: Roy Mustang
#09: Roronoa Zoro
#10: L
#11: Chiyo Mihama (THIS WEEK'S CHAMPION - no vote)
#12: Optimus Prime
Cast your votes in the comments area! Choose three people and only three! Thanks!
Parking Lot
Thursday, I did some shopping at Target for a few items like more Halloween candy, among other things. I got a really good parking spot too. Yes, right next to the handicap spots that would eventually be used by 500-lb men claiming they're disabled when they're really just lazy slugs. I hate seeing that. That and when they ride around in those motor-scooters at the supermarket. They remind me of those giant bears that ride on the mopeds at the circus. Stick a fez hat on them and there you go. But I digress.
When I returned to my car and was ready to leave, two cars came up, one on each end of the lot aisle. Both of them were waiting for me to move so they'd get my space. They were like vultures circling over a dying animal. I backed out and went on my way. The car that was closer to the handicap spaces pulled in first and I heard a long-lasting horn honk after that, a sign of anger from the loser in that confrontation. I should have waited in the spot for a few minutes longer out of spite...
Fly
There's a fly buzzing around in here and I can't kill it. The little bastard is a crafty one. Maybe I shouldn't have killed all those spiders. Their webs would have came in handy. Oops. When I start talking about bugs, you know there's nothing else for me to say... so... see you all again on Monday! ^^
LS vs. LS's Nose Today's Wisdom
Beware this post's pic of the day...
Comment Response (10/24/07)
My mother came up with the idea for the ketchup/syrup thing for my face. There's no way in hell that she'd ever waste her lipstick to be used as fake blood, LOL.
I plan on making the Aflac goat my Secretary of Defense once I take over the world.
Monkeys do carry diseases in the wild, but so do dogs and any other animal you'd have as a pet. The monkey butler I'd have would be domesticated and free of illness. It would also be subjected to random drug tests at my discretion.
Runny Nose
My right nostril has been runny all day. I hate that. If it was both nostrils, eh. I guess I'd be completely ill. But no. Even my nose is lazy. It half-asses an illness by having only one runny nostril and the other one completely clear. In addition to that, whenever I blow my nose, my ears pop. Am I the only one who this happens to? Maybe there's something wrong with me. *pause* That was an understatement, wasn't it?
When I was a kid, my mother wanted me to carry a handkerchief in my pocket. Her intentions were good, but that was a surefire way to get a butt-kicking in my neighborhood. And if I used it, I couldn't throw it away. Mom would want it back to wash it so it could be reused. So if I used that thing, not only would the other kids beat me up, I'd be walking around with a snot rag in my pocket. Nice. I went with Kleenex and I still do to this day.
Theme Thursday
Once a week, I post an opening video to an anime of my choice. This week I'm going with Hiromu Arakawa's Fullmetal Alchemist. You probably know what the series is about, so I won't bother giving a synopsis of any kind. I'd rank the series (manga and anime) as one of my top five favorites. The video featured here is the first opening, "Melissa" by Porno Graffiti. I'm not sure why it's called "Melissa". I don't remember anyone in the series being named so. A girl I dated in high school was named Melissa, but I'm pretty sure that it's not about her. And you gotta love the name "Porno Graffiti". My drunken uncle likes making "porno graffiti" of his own and it usually gets him arrested if he does it in public.
Every Thursday, my assistant Jaken will answer one question (DOUBLE QUESTIONS TODAY!), any question, from you guys. Several people send questions to me, but I'll only use one at a time (except for today). If yours isn't used, please be patient. Chances are that I'll get around to having Jaken answer it sooner or later. And now, today's questions...
from inuyasha luver118
I have trouble keeping my things organized. Everytime I get my room clean about a day or two later it's a disaster area. Any ideas on how I can keep it clean?
Jaken says: The best way to keep your room clean is to sell everything that you own. The cleanest room is the one with nothing in it. However, if you're one of those weirdos who is afraid of money, I'll gladly take your things for free and re-sell them.
from GIDRA
If Sesshomaru-sama asks of you to dance on your eyelashes...will U do it?
Jaken says: I would except that I do not have eyelashes, at least not anymore. I didn't always look like this. Years ago, I was the mirror image of a miniature Johnny Depp. Unfortunately, a cooking accident involving a can of Crisco and a bottle of Thunderbird resulted in an explosion that scarred my body to the point where I look like Yoda's unwanted love child. *sigh* C'est la vie.
If you'd like Jaken to (sort of) answer your questions, please send it to me via PM with the subject line "Ask Jaken". ^^
Pic of the Day (v2.0) #319
Anime: Pokemon No caption is needed. This one is disturbing all by itself. Good lord...Yeesh.
LS vs. The St. Bernard Today's Wisdom "All women secretly hate each other." - Jerry Lawler
Comment Response (10/23/07)
I work for a locally owned-and-operated company that specializes in chasing grizzly bears off your property. It's a dirty job and it's quite dangerous, but it has great benefits like being able to legally use a bazooka in public.**
**not even remotely true
My goatee is gone and has been gone for ages, yet the nickname "Billy" still pops up every once in a while. Oh well, I can live with it. And for the record, I want to purchase that goat from the video yesterday. If anyone has connections with Aflac, I'm willing to pay top dollar.
Japanese TV
This week's video from Japan is 4:24 in length, so maybe you can click "play" and then "pause" and let it load for a while as you read my ramblings. The video features a chimpanzee. Chimps are intelligent creatures and one day I plan on having one of my own as a monkey butler. I've said this many times before, I know, but it'd still be awesome. Adding monkeys to anything automatically makes it better. I cannot count how many times I've seen a cool sci-fi movie and say to myself: "not bad, but if the aliens were really monkeys in disguise, this would win an Oscar or, at the very least, a Big Bird."
Butlers are pretty sweet too because they make you look all sophisticated... like Batman with Alfred. If Batman was all alone in that cave, he wouldn't look so smart. He'd look like a nutjob in a cape. But add the butler and he just seems smarter by default. Now if it was a monkey butler, Batman would be the baddest MF'er to walk on Earth.
What the hell am I talking about again? Oh yeah, chimps in Japan. Check out the video above. If you're a really slow reader, it may be finished loading by now.
Big Dog
With Halloween coming up, here's a story from my twisted past that ties into the holiday. I told this story last year and it's new to you if you missed it then. Maybe this will become a yearly tradition.
One year, I was going to go trick-or-treating as a bloody zombie wearing a black hood. I thought I'd look so cool. However, when the time came to apply some fake blood to my face, I couldn't find the stuff. My mom and I looked all over for it but we couldn't find it. Then my mom got the idea to use ketchup mixed with some type of syrup. I had to stick that crud on my face and wait for it to dry. It wasn't so bad except for the funny feeling I got whenever I tried to smile or furrow my brow. My brother and I went trick-or-treating together (I forgot what he went as) until we got to a mutual friend's house. She was having a small party inside and she asked if we wanted to come in for a while.
There were kids that we knew from school and the neighborhood in attendance. We sat on the floor and told stories. My friend's mom decided to let the dog in from the backyard. She was a very big and friendly St. Bernard. The dog smelled the ketchup concoction on my face and pinned me to the floor to lick it off. It was horrible. That big ol' dog sitting on me... licking ketchup off my face. Argh. From that year on until I finished my trick-or-treating phase, I switched over to rubber masks instead of makeup. *grumbles*
This is why I want a small dog like a Welsh corgi...
Pic of the Day (v2.0) #318
Anime: Inuyasha oh no you didn't
LS vs. Anus Dumbodwarf Today's Wisdom
You can judge a person's financial status by what car they drive. If they drive a 1986 Target Shopping Cart, chances are they don't have that much money.
Comment Response (10/22/07)
It's true that some non-Japanese voice actors mispronounce Japanese names. But to be fair, some Japanese voice actors don't pronounce non-Japanese names properly either. While watching an FMA sub a while back, I cringed whenever I heard the name "Elric" spoken on-screen. I can't blame either group. Both are speaking in a language they aren't accustomed to.
Nah
I like making fun of people. I am also not afraid to make fun of myself. If I was, the story ahead wouldn't be shared.
Long ago, I had a goatee like, well, a goat and it earned me the nickname "Billy" (as in billy goat) from my associates at The Job. You may remember this. Even since that particular style vanished from my chin, the nickname "Billy" is still used on occasion. While at The Job, we're allowed to have our office television on as long as we don't get too distracted. The following commerical aired on Monday and the "hey, Billy's on TV!" jokes started. Running time is 31 seconds.
"Come on... say 'nah!' Do it!" There are times when I'd like to hit co-worker Kim with a giant cartoon anvil. Then I remember that striking a female is against my honor code. That, and doing so would be illegal. *snaps fingers*
Because I Can...
...here's a picture of the enemy lying down on the job.
Wizard
I'm not really a Harry Potter fan, but I read a news story recently about one of the characters in the series... what's his name again... Anus Dumbodwarf? *reads again* Ah, Albus Dumbledore. I was close. I know that several people on here are HP fans, so here you go in case you haven't heard. And yes, I'm trying very hard not to make a dirty joke about it.
NEW YORK — Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling served up a bombshell Friday evening during a reading at Carnegie Hall, telling a crowd of fans from throughout the United States that Albus Dumbledore, the wise Hogwarts headmaster and mentor to Harry, is gay. "I always saw Dumbledore as gay," Rowling said in answer to a fan's question about whether the wizard ever found love. The crowd of about 2,000 hardcore Harry fans, who had won tickets through a nationwide drawing, exploded in screams and applause at the news. Rowling moments later joked, "Oh my God, the fan fiction now!" The books contain virtually no references to the headmaster's sexuality and even screenwriters working on an upcoming "Harry Potter" movie didn't have an inkling, Rowling said.
In other related news, the bullies who throw bricks at the Harry Potter fans as they get off the school bus laughed and praised themselves for potentially being psychic. "Ah yeah, we, like, knew that the whole @#$%ing series is gay, so that chick admittin' that one of the characters is gay only makes us more correct or something" stated school bully Devon "Mack Truck" McKenzie as he gave a 6th grader a swirlie in the restroom.
Pic of the Day (v2.0) #317
Anime: Fullmetal Alchemist I didn't make this picture. It made me laugh, so here it is.do you still trick-or-treat?
LS vs. Death Note Today's Wisdom
Paris Hilton thinks STDs are like Pokemon. She's gotta catch 'em all.
Comment Response (10/19/07)
Thanks to everyone who read "EHN" over the weekend. It felt good to use the Naruto cast once again. ^^
AE is "Animation Elimination", my fanfic comedy spoof of anime combined with TV shows like American Idol and Survivor where someone is booted off every week. You can find the previous season's worth of episodes at this link.
Only 4 of the season 2 cast were properly identified in the comments over the weekend. All 12 will be unveiled this Friday.
After eating all of that food at the buffet, I didn't have to eat again until late Friday night. I'm glad that my hunger returned when it did. Any longer and I'd think that I'd have to hibernate.
My Shonen Jump action hero name would be Akira Risukirai. My powers to combat evil would consist of calling the police and letting them deal with it.
Aunt and Father
My aunt went back to England on Friday morning. I really didn't get to see too much of her while she was here, so I don't have much to say. She did get a collared-shirt for me as a souvenir, although it fits a bit too tight. I'll wear it whenever I feel like mimicking Simon Cowell. On Sunday, I saw my father at the nursing home. He fell over again while trying to walk on his own. If they strap him down to the bed, I won't be surprised. We watched a bit of the Ram/Seahawks game, only to see the Rams lose again. Dad made a comment about how he, despite being bedridden with only one good arm and leg, could be a better player than the entire team combined at this point. I couldn't argue with that nor could I hold back my laughter. At least he still has his sense of humor. ^^;
Death Note
I caught the premiere of the English dub of Death Note over the weekend and was pleased with how it turned out. I've read some message board complaints already (albeit not many) and I wonder what it'll take to please those people. An anime could run on TV in the original Japanese with subtitles and they'd get pissed off about the subtitles' font or something.
It's still hard for me to believe that this series comes from Weekly Shonen Jump, a magazine known for stories about constantly-crying ninja rugrats (Naruto) and monstrous men with enough power to blow a planet up just by farting (Dragon Ball). It's an excellent series, but it seems to be a bit too mature to be coming from Jump of all places. Now that it's running in the U.S., maybe I can finally stop having to explain to some people who that guy is with the Mickey Mouse ears in my ending banner below, heh heh.
And because I can, here's an image of a dog with piercings (obviously fake, Lol). His owner is probably Pain from Naruto: Shippuuden.
Pic of the Day (v2.0) #316
Anime: Death Note Nothin' new here.
LS vs. Buffet Today's Wisdom
I see commercials for zero-calorie sodas that claim to taste like their normal counterparts. If they truly taste exactly the same, why not replace the old formula with the calorie-free one?
Comment Response (10/18/07)
My cousin is 17 now... so... he was maybe 8 or 9 when the toilet incident happened. His intelligence has increased slightly since then. The keyword is "slightly". He isn't the same cousin who asked me to attend his wedding. That one's older than me by a few years.
Yes, Jaken did have a wife. However he doesn't know that his "wife" was actually a male gremlin in drag. I won't tell him if you won't.
Welcome to this little thing that I call "Fanfic Friday". For those who do not know, this is where I take an anime (or several anime, as is the case next week) and use its characters in out-of-character situations and scenarios in an attempt to make people laugh. Some claim that I'm a genius, others think that I have the writing talent of a mentally-challenged baboon (and I can't argue with either side, really...). This week marks the "return" of "Everybody Hates Naruto" with episode 27 entitled "Halloween Ninja". Candy and pop-culture references await our plucky young team of shinobi is this tale and I hope that you enjoy it.
"EHN" returns full-time in spring 2008. Until then, the second season of "Animation Elimination" will tide you over. It starts next week and I aim to top last season, if possible. More on that later.
Mission 27: "Halloween Ninja"
It is a night where the timid can allow their dark side to emerge. It is a night where people don a mask aside from the one that shields the world from their inner self. It is a night of ghosts and goblins, witches and warlocks, dungeons and dragons... I'm not sure about that last pair. It is Halloween.
Halloween is an excuse for children to dress in a bizarre manner and beg for candy. It is an excuse for adult women to dress as naughty as they can to show off the body they've spent hours working on at the nearest Curves gym. A holiday celebrated all over the world has come to the Village Hidden in the Leaves.
The crimson and gold leaves gently descend from the trees on this cool October night. Parents lead their children around from door-to-door, trick-or-treating to get as much candy as they can before their inevitable trip to the dentist. The ninja team of Naruto Uzumaki, Sasuke Uchiha and Sakura Haruno are all dressed in Halloween costumes (except for Sasuke), each with a bag of candy in tow.
Naruto: This will be the year! At long last, I'll hit every house in the Leaf Village! My lifelong goal will be complete!
Sakura: I thought your lifelong goal was to become the Hokage.
Sasuke: Yeah... and to open a Hooters-like Chinese restaurant called "Hong Kong Thongs".
Naruto: I'm working on 'em, I'm working on 'em... but for now... it's candy time! You guys like my costume?
Naruto is dressed like a zombie. Sakura is dressed as Cleopatra. Sasuke isn't wearing a costume. He feels he's too cool to wear one.
Sakura: It's too... bloody...
Naruto: It's supposed to be bloody! Halloween is scary! You're not supposed to dress like Queen Tut!
Sakura: CLEOPATRA! There never was a "Queen Tut" you idiot!
Naruto: I've had it with you people questioning my intelligence! I'm just as smart as any of you!
Sasuke: OK. Then what's the capital of Turkey?
Naruto: The capital of Turkey...? Um... Stuffing?
Sasuke: Moron.
Naruto: BAH! Don't you have a Hot Topic store to loiter around in? *grumbles*
Sasuke shakes his head. Team Ino-Shika-Cho (Ino, Shikamaru, Choji) approach them. They all have bags overflowing with candy, Choji with three bags alone. Ino is also dressed as Cleopatra. Shikamaru's costume is a Batman outfit. Choji is a Jack O' Lantern.
Sakura: INO, YOU PIG! YOU RIPPED OFF MY COSTUME!
Ino: I had this costume for weeks! You stole MY idea!
Sakura: HA! I had mine for months!
Ino: I change my mind... I had mine for years!
Sakura: I had mine from before I was born!
Shikamaru: I can't take this anymore. There has to be a cyanide pill on this utility belt.
Ino: Sasuke! Which costume is better? Mine or... Big Screen Forehead Girl?
Sakura: Sasuke's MY boyfriend! He'll like mine better!
Naruto: Boyfriend? Then why do you flirt with other guys? I've seen you--
Sakura: Shut up.
Naruto: Nuh-uh! If you are dating him, that's teenery and I can't allow it!
Shikamaru: Teenery? Don't you mean "adultery?"
Naruto: We're not adults. O_o
Sasuke: Well well, here comes Kiba.
Sasuke ignores the girls to greet Kiba (with Akamaru), Shino and Hinata. Kiba is dressed as a werewolf. Shino, being full of bugs, is wearing an Oogie Boogie costume. Hinata is dressed as a black cat.
Kiba: We just got back from a costume party. You losers still go trick-or-treating? Grow up!
Choji: You're never too old for free candy! *chomps some down*
Shino: Actually, there does come a point when trick-or-treating is just sad.
Shino points to a nearby house. Kakashi is standing at the door in a robot costume. He takes some candy in a pillowcase and walks over to join the team.
Shino: I rest my case.
Kakashi: Hey.
Naruto: YOU'RE A GROWN MAN! YOU STILL TRICK-OR-TREAT?!
Kakashi: If people are just giving candy away, I have to take it. Otherwise, I'd be insulting their generosity.
Naruto (mockingly): You shouldn't eat that much candy anyway, Kakashi-sensei. It's bad for you! Isn't that what you grown-ups always say?
Kakashi: Gee, thanks Dad. You're probably right though. Then I'll have to go back to the dentist. If I do, I hope it's a real dentist this time. Last time, this strange guy behind the liquor store offered me a free "cavity search" and oddly enough, it didn't involve my mouth... hmm.
Kakashi walks off to get more candy from houses.
Kiba: Forget trick-or-treating... let's go into the forest and tell ghost stories around a campfire. That is... unless you're all chickens.
Sasuke: Shut the cluck up. Let's go.
~~~~~~~
The group of kids all take a seat near a campfire. Kiba holds a flashlight underneath his face and begins to tell his scary story.
Kiba: They say that every Halloween, the ghost of Madara Uchiha walks around the village to rob people of their souls. You know when he's near because you get a chill up your spine and sweat rolls down your brow. However, when you realize what's going on... it's too late. Madara has already claimed your soul.
Hinata: K-kiba! Stop it...
Shikamaru: Yeah. This story sucks so much, you might as well slap the name "Hoover" on it.
Kiba: Let's see YOU do better, Batman.
Shikamaru: All right, I will... as soon as I feel like it. *yawn*
Naruto: I know a scary story!
Shino: Is it the one about the time you almost "drowned" in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese?
Naruto: Never mind.
Sasuke: Since I'm an Uchiha, I'll tell the Madara story PROPERLY. It is true that Madara stalks people in the Leaf Village on Halloween. They say that he comes into this forest, this very forest, to kill anyone foolish enough to enter after the sun falls...
Ino: Sasuke! Hold me!
Sakura: Protect me, Sasuke!
Sasuke: Let me finish! *ahem* Anyway, he rustles through the bushes, and the clintons, getting closer and closer to his prey... and then... BAM!
Naruto: He turns into Emeril?
Sasuke: NO! He leaps out and destroys everyone in sight!
At that moment, there is a rustle in the bushes. Everyone gets quiet, small beads of sweat rolling down their trembling faces. And then, a large figure rises from the dry growth of the forest.
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
Kiba: RUN!!!
Shikamaru: Someone carry me! I'm too tired to run!
Shino: Hey wait... look.
Smokey: Be sure to put out that campfire when you're done. Only you can prevent forest fires.
Naruto rolls up his sleeves and pounces onto Smokey Bear. He punches the ursine behemoth until he collapses to the ground. Naruto stomps on him repeatedly until he knocks him out.
Kiba: Sweet! He just PWNED a bear!
Hinata: My h-hero!
Naruto: It's not a real bear! This is a guy in a costume! Watch... I'll pull his mask off...
Naruto tugs on Smokey's head. He pulls as hard as he can. To his surprise, the head doesn't come off.
Sasuke: You idiot. That IS a real bear.
Naruto: It... it is? I COULD BE KILLED! *hides behind Sasuke* SASUKE! DO SOMETHING!
Sasuke: ...
Suddenly, three ghosts pop up from the bushes on the other side of the group.
Ghosts: Um, boo.
Everyone: AAAAAAAAH!!!
The young children all flee from the campsite, leaving the ghosts behind. But the ghosts aren't ghosts at all. Once the white bed sheets are removed, three ninja laugh hysterically from beneath them. They are the Sand Siblings: Temari (dressed as Samara from "The Ring"), Kankuro (dressed as Jason from "Friday the 13th") and Gaara (dressed as Chucky from "Child's Play").
Temari: Did you see their faces?! Priceless!
Kankuro: I'm glad that we taped that. We're going to get a million views on YouTube for sure.
Gaara: What cowards this village is infested with. They seem to have left their candy behind.
Kankuro investigates and scoops up the candy.
Kankuro: There's enough here to last us until next September!
Gaara: Is any of it blood-flavored?
Temari: *looks* I don't think so. They don't make blood-flavored candy.
Gaara: They should. I'm sick of dipping my candy in blood to make it the old-fashioned way.
Temari and Kankuro: *back away from Gaara*
Gaara: Let's take that dead bear with us too.
Temari: Why?
Gaara: Why not?
Temari: Good point.
MISSION COMPLETE
NEXT WEEK:
Those are the 12 contestants for AE season 2. Anyone who can guess all of their identities wins... absolutely nothing.
Hmm
We had a big storm here last night. Wind, heavy rain, etc. It was damp everywhere in the morning. But still, and once AGAIN, there was a yard that had a sprinkler running, wetting the grass that was already wet. One of these days, I'm going to ask these people why do they do this.
Odd Question from a PM
I received the following PM earlier in the week. It struck me as very bizarre when I first read it. After talking with the sender, I know the meaning behind it now (it's not a serious question). Anyway, here's the entire PM. The person's username will not be given out (unless they step forward on their own, Lol).
"I'm going to get right to the point... is it against the law to have a baby with your uncle?"
Discuss amongst yourselves.
Buffet
It's like "Food Week" here. Pretty much every day, I've mentioned food for one reason or another... well maybe not yesterday... anyway, I went with co-workers Jared and Kim to a Chinese buffet for lunch. They were running one of those "all you can eat" specials. Because I have a strange desire to screw over these places by stuffing my face with as much food as possible, I'm currently bloated beyond belief. I even ate more than Jared, who's at least 100 lbs. heavier than I am. I ate that around 12PM or so and it's 11PM when I type this now and I haven't been hungry since. They say that after eating Chinese food, you'll be hungry again an hour later. Ha. If you eat enough of it, you won't be hungry again for days. Ugh... my stomach... I feel like I'm about to give birth. O_o
Stuffing myself with food... having a limited amount of intelligence... I'm a bonafide Shonen Jump action hero.
