Birthday • 1983-06-17 Gender •
Male Location • St. Louis Member Since • 2003-08-03 Occupation • Real Name • Christopher (or Chris for short)
Personal
Achievements • running this blog for 4 1/2 years and finally being able to conclude it Anime Fan Since • I watched the original Transformers... I had no idea it was anime at the time... Favorite Anime • Dragon Ball, Bleach, Inuyasha, Naruto, Fullmetal Alchemist, Gintama, Eyeshield 21, Kinnikuman, Death Note, One Piece Goals • to make my happy ending come true by defeating El Diablo, the albino squirrel overlord Hobbies • video games, drawing (yet I have no fan art submitted...), watching anime, etc. Talents • I can change my voice into 10-15 others, maybe more...
myOtaku.com: lordsesshomaru
Welcome to my site archives. 10 posts are listed per page.
LS vs. Gooey Butter Cake Today's Wisdom
According to Aesop, notoriety is often mistaken for fame. *COUGH*COUGH*Paris Hilton*COUGH*COUGH*
Response
Time to respond to some comments from yesterday.
Whenever I have more than one new face pop up, I must make a note of it. And so... to those who are new to my site, welcome! To all the usual people, be nice to them. We don't want to scare them off... heh heh...
Yeah, my brother isn't really the type of person to shop at Hot Topic... I'm tempted to slap on my Sherlock Holmes hat and conduct an investigation... or I would if it didn't make me look like a royal douchebag.
The Foot Locker insult was not directed at me. I had overheard it being said to someone else years ago.
If the squirrel was hurt, I wouldn't have laughed. As much as I hate the little buggers, I'm not cruel, Lol.
My life isn't interesting. If you analyze 80% of the things I talk about, you'll see that they're pretty much everyday things that'd happen to anyone. I guess I make them sound more interesting than they really are.
It's the first day of the month of June and on a Friday, no less. With it being Friday, that means one thing here at the online home of LS... Fanfic Friday. To those who don't care about my stories, skip ahead. You probably already did. Yep, I see the back of your head as you're walking away from me. And now to everyone else, I hope that you enjoy today's episode, which is #17 of 26 in "Everybody Hates Naruto". I had to re-edit this one a few times before I was satisfied. If it makes you smile or laugh, I'll be even more satisfied. Episodes 18 & 19 will be a lot of fun for me to type, mainly #18. I also have a real treat in store for episode 20... but I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't I? Here's the link to the archives if you want to check out previous episodes. And now, on with the show...
Oh yes, to those who follow the English version of the Naruto anime... have you ever noticed how they stopped having Naruto say "Believe it!" all the time? I guess they heard the complaints from the fans.
Mission 17: "Sleepover Ninja"
The crickets chirp, the owls hoot, the stars twinkle, the wind blows. It is a mildly blustery evening in the Village Hidden in the Leaves. The gentle glow of the moon shines down upon Choji Akimichi as he walks toward the home of his (sort of) friend, Naruto Uzumaki. The plump boy taps on the door twice and Naruto greets Choji, letting him inside. Choji slumps down on Naruto's couch and places his feet on the coffee table.
Choji: Thanks for letting me spend the night here, Naruto.
Naruto: It's the least I could do. You helped with that dog mission, so I had to return the favor.
Choji: It's a good thing too. My folks called the exterminator and my place just reeks of poison gas...
Naruto: Like it does after you eat chili...
Choji: Huh?
Naruto: Nothing. So, where are your parents?
Choji: They checked into a hotel. I couldn't go with them, something about the rooms having a weight limit on the beds.
Naruto: Uh huh. What about Shikamaru? He's your teammate. Couldn't you have bunked with him?
Choji: I asked him and then he started complaining about how my snoring would wake him up. Like it matters... he sleeps for 20 hours of the day anyway.
Naruto: And Ino?
Choji: Yeah right. I wouldn't sleep at a girl's house!
Naruto: No girl would let you...
Choji: Huh?
Naruto: Nothing. Well, make yourself at home. You'll be sleeping on the couch.
Choji: It's kind of small, isn't it? For me, I mean. You'd be a better fit.
Naruto: But... fine. I'll let you sleep in my bed and I'll take the couch.
Choji: Thanks! You're a real pal!
Naruto: I've always dreamed of a D-cup sleeping in my bed, but not like this...
Choji: Huh?
Naruto: Nothing.
~~~~~~~~
Orochimaru, a villain hell-bent on breaking into the Village Hidden in the Leaves and then crushing it completely from within, navigates his way through the endless tunnels of slime and filth of the sewers as he did four chapters ago.
Orochimaru: I'll go back through Naruto's toilet... the chances of him using it as I come up again aren't very high. *sigh* I hate doing this... a ninja shouldn't be in the sewers...
Michelangelo: Dude, we're the Ninja Turtles! We're your biggest fans!
Orochimaru: Really? I didn't know that I have fans...
Raphael: Yeah! I still listen to my old "Thriller" album! You rock, Jacko!
Leonardo: No matter how many kids you've --allegedly-- touched, we're still your fans!
Orochimaru: I AM NOT MICHAEL JACKSON!
Donatello: LaToya Jackson?
Orochimaru: I am the Snake Lord, Orochimaru!!
Michelangelo: Snakes? I get it! You're Samuel L. Jackson! *looks at Orochimaru again* DAMN, what the hell did you do to yourself, man? Holy crap!
Orochimaru: I do not like snakes on planes, I do not like candy canes. I do not like turtles like you, I do not like the smell of poo. I do not like them, Sam I Am. I do not like Green Eggs and Ham!
Raphael: Uhh... yeah... we're going to go now...
The turtles run off into the shadows and Orochimaru continues his sinister trek through the sewage system.
~~~~~~~~
Choji makes himself at home, just as Naruto said he could. He has devoured the majority of food in Naruto's fridge. Naruto grumbles as Choji uses the toilet.
Naruto: You hear me in there, Choji?! You almost ate everything!
Choji (from bathroom): Sorry, Naruto! Heh heh... I'm a growing boy, you know.
Naruto: Most people grow upwards! You grow side-to-side! All I have left to eat now are ketchup packets! You've been in there for a long time... you'd better not fill up the septic tank...
Choji flushes the toilet, washes his hands and exits from the bathroom. Gaara suddenly walks into Naruto's house while wearing a bloody poncho and sombrero. He sits on the floor.
Naruto: WHAT THE @#$%?! GET OUT!
Gaara: Shhh!! Turn off the lights and get down!!
Naruto shrugs and turns the lights off. He starts to dance and shake his rear end from atop the coffee table.
Gaara: I meant 'get down' as in 'get down on the floor', fool!
Three police officers walk by outside of the house. They don't find Gaara and continue moving ahead. The lights are then turned back on.
Naruto: What did you do this time? And what's with the Mexican clothing?
Gaara: You ever wonder what it'd be like to use real animals for piñatas instead of papier-mâché?
Naruto: No...
Gaara: I did. And I discovered the answer about an hour ago. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to get a cow to hang from a tree.
Naruto: You... oh man. Why are you in this village anyway?!
Gaara: My wench sister Temari... she got all mad at me because I burned Barbie and Ken at the stake in our backyard. She then said "GO TO HELL!" ...so I came here.
Naruto: Heh, Barbie and Ken? I used to burn girls' dolls too.
Gaara: Dolls?
Naruto: ...
Choji: Cool, now we have another guest for the party! Let's talk about fun stuff now!
Naruto: This is not a sleepover party! That's what girls do!
Choji: Good idea! Let's talk about girls! Who do you think is the cutest in the village?
Naruto: Uh, Sakura. Why?
Choji: Heh heh! *grabs the phone*
Naruto: What are you doing? Choji...?
~~~~~~~~
The phone rings in Sakura's bedroom. She was previously sleeping, now wide awake because of the call. Sakura picks it up and groggily brings it to her ear.
Sakura: H...hello?
Choji: Sakura? This is Naruto. I'm in love with you!
Sakura: I know... don't remind me. You sound different...
Gaara: Give me the phone, you amateur. *grabs phone* Hey. Sakura? This is Gaara. I have Sasuke held captive and I will kill him unless--
Sakura: Nice try. My Sasuke-Tracker 5000 didn't go off. He's still at his house, fast asleep.
Gaara: Your... what?
Sakura: Sasuke-Tracker 5000. It's a device that I implanted in Sasuke's head during the time that he and Naruto were knocked out during the second stage of the Chunin exam. I know where he is at all times of the day!
Gaara: Whoa. Just... whoa. OK then... this may sound funny coming from me of all people but... YOU NEED THERAPY! *hangs up the phone*
Sakura: ...
~~~~~~~~
Naruto: I'm going to go brush my teeth and then go to bed. Gaara, I expect you to be gone when I wake up.
His eyes filled with bloodlust, Gaara flashes a demonic smile and chases Choji into the kitchen. Naruto brushes his teeth in the bathroom. He mutters to himself, not pleased with the events of the evening. The room doesn't smell too good due to Choji's occupancy not too long ago.
Naruto: It stinks in here! Choji could have sprayed the air freshener after he finished... he probably ate it...
Orochimaru climbs up through Naruto's toilet.
Naruto: What the HELL did Choji eat?!?!
Orochimaru: My back hurts... traveling through the pipes is such a pain... now that I am in the Leaf Village, I will destroy it!
Naruto: I've never seen a talking turd before... especially one wearing high heels...
Orochimaru: Oh yeah... I owe you for crapping on my face last time. Take THIS, beeyotch!
Orochimaru kicks Naruto in the stomach. The young ninja falls to the floor and the villain leaves the bathroom.
Orochimaru (hands on hips): What a, je ne sais quoi, quaint little dwelling this is... I wouldn't have used this wallpaper with that color of carpet though. No no, it just doesn't match. A shade of indigo or magenta, perhaps. Tsk tsk tsk...
Orochimaru sits down on the couch to relax for a few minutes. His back still hurts and after allowing it to rest, he'll then move on to complete his unholy mission.
Orochimaru: This couch is so lumpy... I wonder if he has anything to eat. Hopefully some Bonbons... I'm a sucker for those... but I can't eat too many or I'll lose my girlish figure...
Gaara chases Choji out from the kitchen. Choji has an apple stuck in his mouth and is covered with barbecue sauce.
Gaara: Here piggy, piggy, piggy! Oink-oink, BWAHAHAHAHA!!
The frightened Choji leaps up into the air...
Orochimaru: What are you--- uh-oh! O_O
...and comes down hard on the opposite end of the couch. Like a makeshift catapult, the couch breaks through the floor on Choji's end and sends Orochimaru flying from the other. The wicked serpent crashes through the ceiling and sails across the sky, out of sight and out of the village.
Gaara: Sweet.
MISSION COMPLETE
It appears that after she left "The View", another one of my celeb-enemies Rosie O'Donnell was shot to death by a pre-teen boy in the woods in Alabama, as pictured above.
Gooey Butter Cake
On Thursday, co-worker Kim brought in a gooey butter cake in the morning instead of the usual donuts/doughnuts. For those who do not know, a gooey butter cake is a St. Louis-area confection that tastes pretty good... oh yes, yes it does. For more information about it, here's a link that you can check out. She had set it down on a table against the wall in our office (where the coffee machine, among other things, is also located). She found me at my desk and we talked for a few minutes before she brought up the cake. Wanting some, we both went to the cake only to find The Boss (who frequently cheats on the diet his wife has placed him on) digging in. It was the funniest thing... he was frozen like a deer caught in headlights when we walked in on him, LOL. We got our pieces though... if we waited any longer than we did, we'd be lucky to have a piece of the box, let alone the cake itself.
I Hate...
...people who take their phones into the restroom with them. It's one thing to carry it in (which cannot be helped, I don't expect anyone to leave it outside) and another thing to talk on the phone in there. Albeit rare, there are people who will talk on the cell phone while sitting on the porcelain throne. I didn't encounter this recently... thankfully. It's odd to walk into a public restroom and hear someone talking from the stall... very odd. "Hey, I'm going to pick up some-- *poot* --dinner on the way home. What-- *fart* --would you want to eat? Hello? HELLO?"
Man steals 1,500 pairs of shoes from schools
MILWAUKEE - Police have seized more than 1,500 pairs of shoes from a man who stole them out of school lockers in a series of burglaries over the past two years. "He liked to smell them," said Lt. William H. Graham of the Waukesha, Wisconsin police. The man, 27, collected keys for three public high schools and a middle school while working as a cable company repairman. Armed with a bolt cutter, he then snuck into the schools after hours and stole tennis shoes from girls' lockers. The big break came for police when a security video at one of the high schools caught the man loading things into his car on May 20. After searching registration records, police tracked down the man with a previous conviction of stealing shoes from a high school. They found the shoes at his home and a rented storage unit.
Notes: ..........
That's it for this week. If you signed my guestbook over the past 2-3 weeks, I'll return the favor sometime over the weekend. See you all on Monday (yes, I'll be here on Monday again). ^^
LS vs. The Bag From Hot Topic Today's Wisdom
Those who do not learn history are condemned to repeat it. The same thing goes for math, science, English...
Response
Time to respond to some comments from yesterday.
My total number of comments has been dropping lately... just like it does every summer. ^^;
Thanks for the nice comments about "Tuesday Night Totosai" yesterday. I've designed the stories to be two things: 1) accessible to anyone who likes anime, you really don't have to be familiar with Totosai or his guests and 2) fairly short when compared to the stuff on Friday. That formula is successful so far.
A lot of you really liked the "Cakesh*t Hatbox" slip-up for the name "Kakashi Hatake". *sings to the tune of the Spongebob theme* Ohhhhhh.... who reads those dirty books and throws shuriken? CAKESH*T HATBOX!
I doubt the lump I received was the genesis of any stupidity and laziness that I exhibit today. I was a dopey sloth before the lump and I am still a dopey sloth after it.
Justice
In the morning before I left home, I was looking out the window. Not for long, just a brief moment... and in that moment, I witnessed a really small squirrel fall from a tree outside. Now those of you who sympathize with the enemy, no need to panic. The tree is not very tall and the squirrel didn't seem hurt. From the looks of it, the young squirrel misjudged the strength of a thin branch and it snapped beneath its weight. It fell to the ground and quickly got to its feet. It stood still for a few moments and, if I didn't know any better, I could have sworn that this squirrel appeared to be looking around to see if anyone saw it fall. LOL, that's what it looked like to me. It was a nice way to start the day... watching an enemy get embarrassed like that... bwahahaha...
Bag
You may remember how I found a bunch of Equal packets stuffed in the ashtray of my car. Those were placed there by my Marine brother Jeff, who I allowed to use my car during his last leave-time/vacation/time-off thing. That wasn't the only surprise that he left for me. On Wednesday, I was cleaning out my car (something that is done maybe once a year... twice on leap years...) and I discovered a large bag stuffed under the front passenger seat. The bag was from the store "Hot Topic" and it had a smaller bag from Waldenbooks inside. I knew it wasn't mine because I've never stepped foot inside of a Hot Topic store. I'd stick out like a sore thumb. All the kids (it seems that only people younger than myself shop there) in the store would be asking why a homeless goat wearing a Cardinals baseball cap is walking around on two legs.
My brother should be here in less than three weeks. I need to have a word with him about using my car as a trash can...
Odd Insult
Quick hit from my past, a kid said this during my high school years and it's still one of the strangest insults I've ever heard. "You smell like you work at Foot Locker." I'm not sure why that popped into my head just now... I felt it was good to post it before it was forgotten again.
Dead chickens hit Australia homes
SYDNEY -- (BBC) Australian police are investigating how and why homes near Sydney have been bombarded by dead chickens. Residents in the city of Newcastle believe the birds may have fallen from an aircraft or been fired by pranksters using a slingshot. Two homes have been damaged since the mystery began. When a headless chicken crashed on to a suburban house in Newcastle last month, most people thought it had fallen from a low-flying aircraft. That theory is now in doubt after a second bird fell on to another home nearby at the weekend. Such was the damage to the roof that experts are convinced the carcass must have plummeted at least 1,600 feet (490 metres). A physics professor at Newcastle University has pointed the finger at local wags, armed with a giant slingshot or catapult. The mystery has delighted headline writers around Australia. Among the gems were "It's raining hen" and "Crashing chooks ruffle residents' feathers"! The police have admitted they do not have much to go on - apart from two very squashed chickens.
Notes: It appears that KFC is testing a new home delivery service.
Pic of the Day (v2.0) #252
Today's Series: Cowboy Bebop New, from the makers of HeadOn... Welcome to the jungle... we've got fun 'n' games
LS vs. The Trampoline Today's Wisdom
If you ever get into a fist-fight, remember... it's always better to give than to receive.
Response
Time to respond to some comments from yesterday.
Because of the picture yesterday, I apparently need to mail several people new pairs of eyes. I would apologize, but hey, I gave you a warning, didn't I? LOL
I never said that I didn't own an iPod... I don't... I actually have a cheaper, knock-off mp3 player... it works well and that's what matters. My CD player is part of my home entertainment system with a nice set of speakers that I have managed not to destroy in the 5+ years that I've owned it. Amazing.
My mother arranged for my father to be sent to her nursing home. It was her idea entirely and the hospital went along with it. My dad didn't like the idea, but then again, there are very few ideas that he likes.
The snake could have been poisonous. I'm not an expert, which is why I steered clear of that thing.
Producer: Live from the feudal era of Japan, it's the #1 rated talk-show starring a bug-eyed blacksmith who can breathe fire... it's also the only talk-show starring a bug-eyed blacksmith who can breathe fire... he's The Geezer of Greatness, The Curmudgeon of Cool, he is....... Totosai!
One Man in Audience: *sneeze*
Totosai: I have to do this crap again? When can I retire and get those old people retirement checks?
Producer: Anime characters cannot collect those.
Totosai: Oh really? That's discrimination! The Man always trying to keep anime characters down...
Producer: Drink some water and read the teleprompter.
Totosai: *drinks water* Did you get this out of the toilet?!
Producer: How would you know what toilet water tastes like?
Totosai: How would you know about work? You unemployed hippy!
Producer: What the--? Where did THAT come from? It doesn't even make sense! I'm WORKING now!
Totosai: Shut up! Don't call this house again!
Producer: ...
Totosai: *reads teleprompter* "Today's guest... is a... ninja... he's part of... the most popular show... on Salami... please welcome... from Nerdtoe..."
Producer: You mean "Toonami" and "Naruto", Totosai.
Totosai: I said hang up the phone! "He is... Cakesh*t Hatbox."
Kakashi: Kakashi Hatake.
Totosai: I know what I said, Hatbox. What's with the mask? You look like you're going to rob a 7-Eleven.
Kakashi: It is not uncommon for a ninja to wear a mask.
Totosai: Oh. I get it. So, Mr. Ninja, just what exactly do you do?
Kakashi: I use ninjutsu to--
Totosai: My grandson just got a Ninjutsu Wii. I didn't buy it for him though. Ungrateful whelp deserves nothing from me!
Kakashi: Ninjutsu is not a game system... watch. *uses ninja hand signs*
Totosai: Hey! HEY! Don't throw gang signs on my show!
Kakashi: These aren't gang signs...
Totosai: That's why you wear that mask! You don't want your enemies to find you and do a drive-by on this studio!
Kakashi: *sigh* All ninja use hand signs like these.
Totosai: So your gang is called the Ninjas, eh? I'm calling the cops!
Kakashi: Go ahead. I've done nothing illegal. Call the police.
Totosai: I will! *pushes buttons* Hello, police? Yes, I have a gang member here that needs to be arrested. A Mr. Cakesh*t Hatbox... no, this isn't a prank call...
Kakashi: You do know that you're talking into a calculator, right?
Totosai: Zzzzzzzzz....
Kakashi: Um... I think I'll leave now... *walks away*
Producer: Be here next week for another episode of "Tuesday Night Totosai"...
The LS Rewind - series 2, #106 - October 6, 2006
Trampled
My neighbor/friend growing up owned a large trampoline. I mentioned this many months ago (you may remember the story where the girl who lived up the street accidentally slammed his ribs right into one of the steel support bars) and here's another tale revolving around it. My friends, my brother and myself had finished watching the movie "Tremors" on TV years ago. I believe it was on the USA network because in those days, they'd show that movie every minute that wasn't used for La Femme Nikita, Walker Texas Ranger or Monday Night Raw. If you've never seen "Tremors", it's a movie about giant worm-like creatures that burrow through the ground and kill people in the desert. It had 2 or 3 sequels after it that I don't reccommend watching without having some booze or NyQuil nearby.
We had the genius (read: stupid) idea to re-enact the movie with the trampoline. One of us (that'd be me) would go under the trampoline and be the worm-monster. The trampoline itself would be the desert. And the people on top would be the victims. What could possibly go wrong? While I was on the bottom as the monster, one of my friends jumped up and came back down right on my head. Until that point, I thought those giant Looney Tunes lumps on the characters' heads were exaggerations. I had one right in the front center of my head. If it grew anymore, I'd look like a biped unicorn. Nope, it wasn't a good idea no matter how you look at it. And thus ends another "Adventure in Idiocy".
Today's news story, like the tale above, involves a lump on the head and is fairly old (vintage: September 2006), but it's new to me and it's still chock full of stupidity. It's in my top 10, easily.
Plastic surgery for 'ugly' goldfish
EDINBURGH, Scotland -- A goldfish at the Royal Museum of Scotland in Edinburgh has just had cosmetic surgery, after visitors complained that it was too ugly. It seems that visitors were frequently going up to the reception desk to point out that the fish looked ill and that it had an unsightly lump coming out of its head. Children were also reported to be worried about the unnamed fish and its growth. So bosses at the Museum decided that – while the fish appeared perfectly happy swimming around with a lump on its head – that it should have surgery to remove the unpleasant imperfection. The operation seems to have been a resounding success, unless you count the fact that they also had to remove one of the fish's eyes along with the lump, which could probably also be described as 'unsightly'. The operation was paid for out of the money visitors would throw into the fish pond.
Notes: So... the fish... who was HEALTHY... ends up losing 50% of its eyesight... because people thought it was ugly?! How is that any better? If anything, the fish is worse off now. If fish could curse and wish death upon humanity, ol' Quasimodo-gills here would be the first to do so.
Pic of the Day (v2.0) #251
Today's Series: Pokemon
LS vs. The Serpent Today's Wisdom
Actions speak louder than words. Billy "Oxi-Clean" Mays speaks louder than both of them.
Response
Time to respond to some comments from over the weekend.
Yes, I still use a CD player. I also ride a brontosaurus to work.
The CD player could have broken when I kicked it and I'm lucky it didn't. Whenever I attack my technical thingamabobs, I don't think of the consequences until afterward. If you ever read a news story about a guy getting his hand sliced apart by a blender while attempting to punch it, it'll probably be about me.
STORY FEEDBACK
Thanks for all of the comments for the EHN story over the weekend. Now to address a few.
Kisame and Itachi were modeled after Beavis and Butt-Head respectively. I'm not sure how that idea popped into my head without having any intoxicating substances in my system. I'm amazed that I didn't get a "you RUINED Itachi!! DIE!!" comment or something of equal or greater value.
I don't have an obsession with "asses", Lol. Since they were based off of Beavis and Butt-Head, they said that word a lot as it was in the old cartoon.
Ah, one person mentioned the character bios. They're on the archive site. I'm not sure how many people have actually read the bios...
Gaara cannot be in the story every week, Lol. Be patient, he'll make a few more apperances before I end the story.
Father and the Snake
My father was discharged from the hospital and sent to a-- *gasp* --nursing home. And not just any nursing home, the same nursing home in which my mother works as a nursing assistant. That's cool since she'll be able to check on him multiple times during the work day. I gave him a visit over the weekend and he looked about the same. I'd like for him to improve, but as long as his condition doesn't get worse, I truly cannot complain. I'm a bit surprised that no one is talking about his spinal problem. It's not like it vanished because he had a stroke... I need to talk to someone about that.
After speaking about snakes on Friday, it's ironic to me that the following occured. Upon returning from my visit, I exited my car to find a snake at my feet. It was a black snake (possibly of the garter variety) and it was perfectly still. My car, which is massive in size when compared to a snake, probably scared it into playing dead. Needless to say, it scared the crap out of me. I'm not afraid of snakes really. A friend of mine had a snake as pet when we were kids (and for some reason, it smelled like Irish Spring soap...) This snake surprised me as it would anyone else. At first, I thought it was a long, winding, dog turd. Then I remembered that dog turds don't have eyes (except for Dr. Phil) and that made me jump back into the car and climb out the other side. Yeeesh.
Mr. T
Here's an animated video from an old Saturday Night Live episode (back when the show was funny) featuring a spoof of Mr. T. Classic. I love his rambling near the end, LOL. It's about 2:05 in length.
Man Accused Of Stealing 1,300 Women's Undergarments
DENVER -- Fort Collins police arrested a man on Tuesday in connection with the theft of more than 1,300 women's undergarments over an eight-month period. Police said 43-year-old Chih Hsien Wu stole women's underwear from apartment complex common laundry rooms, mostly in the Campus West area of Fort Collins. The underwear thefts occurred between Sept. 23, 2006, and May 18, 2007, totaling more than $6,000, Fort Collins police said. Wu was arrested at his home in the 1000 block of Wabash Street and was booked on felony theft charges. Anyone who had their undergarments stolen in the Campus West area will have the opportunity on Friday to come to the Fort Collins Police Services and identify their items between 10 a.m. and 3 p.m. The stolen items include all types of undergarments including panties, sports bras, stretch pants and panty hose, police said.
Notes: Who'd want their underwear back after that? Just imagining what that creep did with the panties makes me shiver a bit. Ugh.
The middle panel of today's Pic of the Day almost made me throw up. I apologize in advance for any nausea it could induce. That's the beauty of this scrollbox. You don't have to look at it; you can stop scrolling now. However, if you're one of those people who skip all of my text and go straight to the picture, you deserve what you get, LOL.
Pic of the Day (v2.0) #250
Today's Series: Naruto
Now you feel like number one, shining bright for everyone...
LS vs. Technology Today's Wisdom
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence... unless you live over there. Then the grass on the other side is urine-yellow.
Response
Time to respond to some comments from yesterday.
This isn't a response; it's a fact about myself. I get a little nervous before I open my comment box at the end of every day. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I expect people to throw virtual tomatoes at me or yank me off the stage with a virtual hook.
The original punchline for the Pic of the Day yesterday was: "I'm telling ya guys, the cock-----roach was this big!" In hindsight, I really should have used that one instead. To hell with being family-friendly, says I.
Raid does indeed come in a country fresh scent. I don't know about you, but I think nothing says "country fresh" like dead roaches all over your kitchen counter.
I'm not sure why I posted that picture of Vice President Cheney again. Oh well, I don't need a stinkin' reason.
It's Friday, Friday I say. At my little site here, that means a new comedy story. If you want to read it, it's up ahead. If not, scroll past it. In fact, scroll past this paragraph too... there's nothing for you here. Go on. Shoo. *waits* They're gone? Good. Today's episode is number 16/26 of the "Everybody Hates Naruto" era and it is entitled "Daredevil Ninja". It marks the debut of Itachi and Kisame. I'm not sure how well my portrayal of them will be received. I based their new personalities off of a certain cartoon from the 1990s... you should be able to guess which one easily. Yes, they are incredibly out of character, but hey, it's my story and I'll cry if I want to. If you're new and want to read the previous episodes, here's the link. It isn't required since I have very little continuity between episodes anyway. And now... on with the show. ^^
Mission 16: "Daredevil Ninja"
Some people cannot resist a challenge. Once it has been laid out before them, these people charge headfirst into it. Otherwise, their pride would eat away at them for a long time to come. The challenges, or dares, are not usually a test of one's skill, but rather, a test of one's stupidity. How far will a person go? What will they not do? Naruto Uzumaki loves to take dares. This is well known throughout the village and it is the subject of our tale today.
On a sunny day, two men walk towards the village. On their heads are straw hats that help to conceal their identities. They wear black cloaks with red clouds placed all over. These men are part of the criminal organization known as Akatsuki, or "daybreak". One carries a giant sword wrapped in white tape on his back. The other has no visible weapon except the cold, dark stare that he gives to his enemies. The first man resembles a shark in appearance. He is Kisame Hoshigaki. The second man is Sasuke Uchiha's older brother, Itachi. The men reach the front gate where a guard waits for them.
Guard: Halt! Who goes there?
Kisame: Heh heh, use that Jedi mind trick, Itachi.
Itachi: Oh yeah. *waves hand* You don't need to know our identities.
Guard: I don't need to know your identities.
Itachi: You'll let us pass.
Guard: I'll let you pass.
Kisame: You'll go make out with the first goat you see, heh heh.
Guard: I'll go make out with the first goat I see... *walks away*
Kisame: Heh heh, that was cool, heh heh!
Itachi smacks Kisame in the face.
Kisame: AAAAAAAH!! That hurt, butthole! What was that for? Heh heh.
Itachi: Shut up, assmunch. I'm, like, trying to work and you screw it up and stuff.
Kisame: Turd burglar!
Itachi: We have a mission to finish or something, dumbass. Let's go.
Kisame: Heh heh, oh yeah, heh heh. Let's burn the place down when we're done. FIRE!! FIRE!!
Itachi smacks Kisame again.
Kisame: AAAAAAAH!!
~~~~~~~~~~~
Group: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
Naruto slams down his now empty glass which once contained water that worms were soaking in for six days. He raises his arms in triumph as he receives praise from a few of his peers. Others aren't as thrilled.
Sakura: Eww... how could he do that?
Ino: He's an idiot, that's how. There is no challenge that Naruto won't take on.
Naruto: Come on! Anyone else got another dare for me?
Kiba: Ooh! I dare you to kick the Hokage in the shin and then run!
Sakura: What?! Naruto! You'll get in trouble!
Naruto: Big deal! I've gotten in so much trouble that I'm immune to it by now!
Sakura: What... the... hell?! Listen to yourself! Did that even make one ounce of sense?
Naruto (picking nose): I think I can feel my brain...
Sakura: ...
The wild group of kids head off to the Hokage's home so that Naruto can complete his mischievous task.
~~~~~~~~~~~
It took weeks, but the Hokage finally got all of the rubber cement and chicken feathers that Naruto placed on his windows removed [see the beginning of episode 6]. He sits down on his toilet and reads a newspaper when Naruto rings his doorbell.
Hokage: It never fails. I go to sit on the crapper and somebody rings my doorbell. ASUMA! Get the door!
Asuma (downstairs): I'm watching TV, Dad!
Hokage: Get off your ASS-uma and get the door!
Asuma: Um, what? I can't hear you!
Hokage: Ungrateful bum...
The leader of the village gets up and heads to his door. Naruto stands at his doorstep. The other kids hide in the bushes nearby. Kiba is in the closest bush.
Hokage (opens door): For the last time, I don't want a copy of Watchtower-- oh... it's you, Naruto. The Dennis to my Mr. Wilson. What do you want?
Naruto: Heh heh... heh... um...
Kiba: Do it!
Naruto: I forgot where the shin is.
Kiba: IDIOT! It's part of the leg!
Asuma comes to the door now, smoking his cigarette as usual while wearing dinosaur pajamas and holding a teddy bear. Naruto blinks and tries to remember the exact location of the shin.
Hokage: Oh, NOW you show up, Asuma.
Kiba: KICK THE SHIN!
Asuma: Why is that bush talking?
Kiba: Um... we're rehearsing for a play... we're doing The Ten Commandments...
Asuma: Oh. But isn't the bush supposed to be burning?
Asuma lights a few matches and tosses them into the bush. It quickly catches on fire. Kiba screams at the top of his lungs. He runs around with the flaming bush stuck to his body and he eventually vanishes into the village. Naruto then kicks the Hokage in the groin and runs away.
Naruto: Close enough!
Hokage: AAAAARRRGGGGHHH!! NARUTO!!!
The kids all run away as the Hokage grabs his crotch in pain. Asuma stands over his injured father.
Hokage: That... damn... Naruto... what are you looking at, Asuma? You're grounded!
Asuma: You can't ground me; I'm an adult.
Hokage: Go back to freeloading in my basement, damn it!!
Asuma: Yes sir. O_o
~~~~~~~~~~~
The group of kids are now at the playground. Naruto stands atop the jungle gym.
Naruto: What else? Who wants to challenge me?
Sasuke: I dare you to kiss Sakura.
Naruto (jumps down): Heh heh! My kind of dare!
Sakura: SASUKE! Why?!
Sasuke: This is payback for all the times you stalked me, all the times that you spied on me in the shower, all the times you Photoshopped my head onto some naked fat dude's body...
Naruto: Actually that was me who did that last one.
Sasuke: I should have known. Only you would be dumb enough to put my Asian head on a black guy's body and think that it matches... now kiss Sakura.
Sakura (running away): Why me?
Naruto bounces after her like a lovesick Pepe Le Pew.
Naruto (French accent): Come back, my precious flower!
Sakura runs and runs until she bumps into Itachi, spilling the soda that he held in his hands. Itachi bumps into Kisame. This causes the shark man to drop his nachos.
Kisame: DAMN IT! Now I, uh, have to go buy more or something.
Itachi: Yeah. This sucks. You little ass-wipe, watch where you're going.
Sakura: S-s-sorry... wait! ITACHI!?! KISAME?!?
Kisame: Heh heh, she knows us and stuff, heh heh.
Itachi: Huh huh, check out her forehead. It's as big as your mom's butt, huh huh.
Kisame: Shut up, butthole!
Naruto catches up with Sakura only to see her on the ground before Itachi and Kisame.
Kisame: Whoa! It's that kid from Home Alone!
Itachi: No it isn't, dumbass. That movie is, like, 200 years old. That kid must be really old now.
Kisame: Maybe he doesn't grow, heh heh. Like that Gary Coleman guy.
Itachi: Our mission was to get nachos and soda. And this little dillweed made us drop them and stuff. You'll go get us some more... or we'll kick your ass.
Naruto: You can't beat me up! I'm handicapped!
Itachi (raises eyebrow): You are? Yeah right.
Naruto: The tag on my car that gets me good parking spaces says so!
Kisame: Heh heh, YOU have a car?
Naruto: Uh... does a Micro Machine count?
Fed up, Itachi grabs Naruto by the throat, raising him off the ground.
Naruto: I can't buy anything! I don't have any money!
Kisame: Oh okay. Then we'll have to kick your ass. Then you'll REALLY be handicapped.
Naruto: *gulp*
~~~~~~~~~~~
Naruto lays on the ground, covered with bruises and scrapes. His clothes are tattered and his chest has scratches all over. Sakura sighs as she looks down at him.
Sakura: This is my fault...
Naruto: Don't worry about it... but if you want to call it even, give me that kiss so I can complete my dare...
Sakura: .........
Naruto: I'm kidding! You don't have to! Just go on home, okay?
Sakura: THANK GOD! Oh... I mean... will you be alright?
Naruto nods. Sakura walks away, smiling to herself.
Sakura (thinking): He isn't that bad of a guy, really. A bit dumb, clumsy, disgusting, perverted, loud, cocky... hmm... but he has a good heart. I think.
Sakura's assumption is proven wrong once Sasuke and the others catch up to the beaten-up Naruto.
Sasuke: What happened?!
Naruto: Sakura... she couldn't keep her hands off me! Heh heh! She just grabbed me and kissed all over, tearing my clothes off! I had no idea she was so rough!
MISSION COMPLETE
CD Player
About two or three weeks ago, I burned a CD and didn't get around to listening to it to see if it worked. This is because of a combination of being forgetful and busy with other things. On Thursday, I finally got around to testing it out. I placed it into my CD player and the stupid thing wouldn't play. My CD player has a bad habit of refusing to play homemade CDs unless I take them out and put them back in repeatedly. After doing that for nearly ten minutes, I grew upset. My temper with machines is notoriously bad... which explains why I kicked the CD player with my foot (well, duh, you can't kick anything with any other part of your body). Then the little disc-drawer got stuck and wouldn't close. It was then forced shut and, as luck would have it, my CD started to play. Violence doesn't solve anything, eh? Ha.
The day will come when my machines will rise up and kill me in my sleep.
Orthodontist
Years ago, I was a little boy with messed up teeth that needed to be fixed with braces. My teeth look pretty good now as a result. But during the years of repair, I hated wearing braces. My orthodontist was a giant douchebag who'd mock me and then lie to my mother whenever I'd tell her about it. He once left that gunk in my mouth that's used to make a sculpture of my teeth for extra long. That ended up with me puking all over myself. I doubt that he did that on purpose but it wouldn't surprise me if he did. I was reading another person's site earlier and was reminded about this man. I also remember driving past his office maybe 3-4 years ago to find all the windows boarded up as if a fire was there months or years prior to my stopping by. Karma strikes again.
Cairo customs prevents snakes on a plane
CAIRO, Egypt - Customs officers at Cairo's airport on Thursday detained a man bound for Saudi Arabia who was trying to smuggle 700 live snakes on a plane, airport authorities said. The officers were stunned when a passenger, identified as Yahia Rahim Tulba, told them his carryon bag contained live snakes after he was asked to open it. Tulba opened his bag to show the snakes to the police and asked the officers, who held a safe distance, not to come close. Among the various snakes, hidden in small cloth sacks, were two poisonous cobras, authorities said. The Egyptian said he had hoped to sell the snakes in Saudi Arabia. Police confiscated the snakes and turned Tulba over to the prosecutor's office, accusing him of violating export laws and endangering the lives of other passengers. According to the customs officials, Tulba claimed the snakes are wanted by Saudis who display them in glass jars in shops, keep them as pets or sell them to research centers. The value of the snakes was not immediately known.
Notes: I had to post the following image again because of that story...
The LS Rewind - August 24, 2006
That's it for this week. I'm not certain if I'll be here on Monday because of the upcoming holiday. In the event that I'm not, I hope that you all have a great weekend and Memorial Day!
Pic of the Day (v2.0) #249
Today's Series: Naruto
*flies away after consuming a Fizzy Lifting Drink*
LS vs. Fumes Today's Wisdom
A picture is worth a thousand words. My English teacher didn't agree with me when I gave him half of a photo of Gandhi for a 500-word essay.
No, that didn't happen, but that would have been cool... you know, besides the whole getting an "F" thing...
Response
Time to respond to some comments from yesterday.
Thanks for the comments about TNT yesterday. Hmm, I never thought about Totosai's ramblings
to be similar to my uncle. Totosai is a senile old man and my uncle is relatively young. I
believe there's a line between "senile" and "insanity". :P
I might not go to the wedding, but my cousin could feel insulted. Or he couldn't care less.
I have plenty of time to decide.
Goku wears an orange/blue jumpsuit... and yes, so does Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto, the creator
of Naruto, was a Dragon Ball fan growing up. Naruto's outfit's colors (in addition to the yellow
hair that resembles a Super Saiyan) could be his tribute to his childhood hero.
Effort
There I was, sitting in front of my desk, when a thought climbed into my mind. It got past all the bikini models and top-hat wearing owls that occupy my brain in order to grab my attention. The thought was: how hard we work in order to make something that doesn't last for long. A nice example would be an animator. They draw so many frames and only end up with maybe 3 seconds worth of film. Baking a pie can take a while and, if you're like me, the pie doesn't last for long once it is completed. Setting up dominos is a chore that lasts much longer than watching them fall over. This thought doesn't apply to everything in life, obviously. A house is built in months and it will last for years. Where am I going with this, you ask? I have no idea. There's a slight ant problem in my little home and I just sprayed the place with enough Raid to dissolve them into atoms. Perhaps the fumes are getting to my head... the dangerous fumes... the dangerous fumes that have a country-fresh scent...
American Idol
I'm not a giant fan of the show. My usual viewing schedule has me laughing at the audition rounds early in the season and then disappearing until the final episode. I saw the last 10 minutes of the finale earlier. Yes, only the last 10 minutes. I wasn't about to sit through two hours of filler. That Jordin girl won... but damn, she looked tall. Either that or the two guys next to her (Blake and Ryan Seacrest) were really short. Get Tom Cruise, Danny DeVito, Verne "Mini-Me" Troyer, Edward Elric, and that guy who played Carlton on "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" on the stage with them and you could have a live stage performance of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
The LS Rewind - April 6, 2005
SPECIAL REPORT - THE EVIL OF SQUIRRELS EXPOSED!
Squirrel alert causes A21 pile-up
UNITED KINGDOM (BBC) - A road crash involving four cars happened after a driver braked to avoid a squirrel, according to Kent Police. Officers said three cars ploughed into the back of an elderly motorist's car after he tried to avoid the animal which escaped unharmed. Some people suffered minor injuries and cars had to be towed from the scene. The A21 dual carriageway was closed at Pembury but reopened at 1000 BST. Police said it was not known whether the squirrel was grey or red.
Woman bitten after helping sick squirrel
JANESVILLE, Wis. (AP) - A 47-year-old woman who wanted to help a sickly squirrel ended up being scratched and bitten by the animal, according to a police report. She said she found the squirrel in her window sill about three weeks ago and it looked very small and sick so "she was trying to care for it," the report said. The Janesville woman said she tried to release the animal Friday when it got loose in her house and, when she picked it up, it bit her on a finger and scratched a hand. The Rock County Humane Society took custody of the squirrel, and the woman was advised to seek medical attention if she saw signs of an infection, according to the police report.
Notes: Thanks to The Assasin for the second story. Both of those articles are real too. My war against these vermin will never end...
The 16th episode of Everybody Hates Naruto is up tomorrow. It'll have that new-fanfic smell that you like so much.
Pic of the Day (v2.0) #248
Today's Series: Inuyasha I was going to use a different word instead of "roach", but that'd be too dirty, even for me... *taken away by the men in white coats*
LS vs. Weddings Today's Wisdom
After seeing another one of those damn Kidz Bop CD commericals, I now agree with the old saying: "children should be seen and not heard."
Response
Time to respond to some comments from yesterday.
Grimmjow isn't my favorite Bleach character (that'd be 11th squad captain, Kenpachi Zaraki). When I think about it, he's similar to Kenpachi... I wonder who'd win if they fought...
The Sesshomaru/Koga "touche" rewind picture got a good response. That didn't surprise me since that was my most popular image way-back-when.
Producer: Live from the feudal era of Japan, it's the #1 rated talk-show starring a bug-eyed blacksmith who can breathe fire... it's also the only talk-show starring a bug-eyed blacksmith who can breathe fire... he's The Geezer of Greatness, The Curmudgeon of Cool, he is....... Totosai!
One Man in Audience: *fart*
Totosai: Hmm? We weren't cancelled? I want to watch "Murder, She Wrote" dang it...
Producer: No worries. I got it saved on TiVo.
Totosai: You young'uns and your fancy technology. Back in my day, we couldn't record anything. You see, we didn't have TVs. No sir. If we wanted a show, we'd ask our parents for a nickel and go down to the theatre.
Producer: Let me guess. You walked fifteen miles in the snow?
Totosai: TWENTY-FIVE miles in the snow. BAREFOOT. After we amputated our frostbitten toes in the lobby, we'd watch a triple feature... and if we were lucky, one of the films would be a talkie! Sound was big to us then. Now you whippersnappers come along with your "digital" this and "high definition" that.
Producer: Just read the teleprompter.
Totosai: Oh fine, I get it. You don't want to hear the old man talk. *reads* "Today's ghost-- uh, guest-- is... one of the... most popular heroes... in anime history... please welcome... from Drag Queen BallZ"...
Producer: You mean "Dragon Ball Z", Totosai.
Totosai: I said that, dagnabbit! "He is the... hero... of heroes... Go Poo."
Goku: Ah, it's Goku, sir.
Totosai: Shut the hell up. What's with the orange outfit? You look like a prisoner.
Goku: Oh this? It's my gi. Master Roshi gave one to all of his martial arts pupils.
Totosai: You're what?
Goku: Gi.
Totosai: Oh I see. If you swing that way, that's fine with me, son. I'm not one of those close-minded old folks. I won't judge you.
Goku: I said "GI" not "GAY".
Totosai: Oh. Why is it orange? You look like a prisoner.
Goku: I explained this already.
Totosai: Did you just break out of jail? What were you in for?
Goku: I didn't go to jail...
Totosai: I hear that men do... things... in jail. But a guy like you isn't bothered by that, right? Since that sort of thing floats your boat.
Goku: I AM NOT A PRISONER AND I AM NOT GAY! Why don't you listen when I talk?!
Totosai: Huh? You say something? Who are you?
Goku: And people say that I'm stupid...
Totosai: Hello Stupid, I'm Totosai.
Goku: ...... *walks away*
Totosai: Come back, Stupid! The show isn't over! Wait... that orange outfit... he's a prisoner! An escaped convict! Call the police! O_o
Producer: Once again, you force a guest to leave... be here next week for another episode of "Tuesday Night Totosai"...
Invitation
I received an invitation in the mail, an invitation to a wedding. DAMN. I'll elaborate on my frustration in a moment. My cousin is getting married in the fall. I didn't even know he was engaged. Hell, I barely even know him. I think he sent me the invitation so that I wouldn't feel left out. How the hell did he get my address? He's never even called me once over the phone. Now, why the anger? Because I hate attending weddings or funerals or any event that would require me to dress up and sit around for hours doing nothing. To add to that, I have no dress clothes. None. A suit? Nope. A tie? Maybe... yeah, I have one. But as I look at my current wardrobe, wearing a necktie over an "Austin 3:16" t-shirt circa 1997 wouldn't be acceptable. I'm not sure if I'll go... my cousin probably doesn't even remember what I look like. I'll be the only family member thrown out by security... before my crazy uncle rants about getting carjacked or something.
Gum
Yuck. As you may or may not know, I always chew gum. I'm like a cow that chews cud, except that I'm not a co-host on The View. I'm currently chewing spearmint-flavored Extra, which claims on the package to have the "same long lasting flavor". Ehhh... not so much. The current taste in my mouth makes me feel like I just licked an ashtray. Blech. *spits gum out*
Man busted while drunk driving in wheelchair
BERLIN (Reuters) - A wheelchair-bound German stunned police when they pulled him over for using the road and found he was 10 times over the legal alcohol limit for drivers. "He was right in the middle of the road," said a spokesman for police in the northeastern city of Schwerin Tuesday. "The officers couldn't quite believe it when they saw the results of the breath test. That's a life-threatening figure." The 31-year-old told police he had been out drinking with a friend and was a little over a mile from home when a squad car stopped him as he passed through the village of Ventschow. Police said that because the man was technically traveling as a pedestrian, he could not be charged with a driving offence. "It's not like we can impound his wheelchair," the spokesman said. "But he is facing some sort of punishment. It's just not clear yet what exactly that will be."
Notes: First the drunk taking the driver's test last week and now this. It's like Germany is going for a record.
Pic of the Day (v2.0) #247
Today's Series: Fullmetal Alchemist
LS vs. Jaken
I suppose you are wondering where I was yesterday. There will be no BS excuse, Lol. I just
didn't feel like posting. Yes, you can call it laziness. Those feelings have subsided,
obviously. But for how long? That is the question...
Today's Wisdom
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game. OK... I'll buy that as soon as
professional sports stop using "win-loss records" and go with "how-you-played-the-game
records".
Response
Time to respond to some comments from the weekend.
I saw a few new faces in the comments area. Welcome to my site and I hope I don't scare you
away.
Whoa, I really wasn't expecting episode 15 of EHN to be so popular. Thank you everyone! It
seems that Gaara was the favorite again... I should use him more often, eh? Episode 16 is up this
Friday. Two new characters debut. I only told one person who they are. You can guess though.
Clue: one could be related to Jaws.
How can someone NOT like a sandwich? You can put anything you want on it! ANYTHING! Unless
you hate bread... bread haters.
To those who said the video wasn't funny and were disturbed/annoyed, good. My purpose for
posting that was to either make you laugh or disturb/annoy you... it did both to me when I first
saw it. And if you hated it, hey, at least it was free.
Rin: My lord, by that logic, if someone kicks you in the mouth, you can't complain since it is free.
Well... uh... hm... outsmarted by a 2nd grader...
Number 6
I was recently informed that I am currently #6 on myOtaku's popularity list. Cool. I don't
mention that or my number of visits these days unless I hit a number that interests me. The
number 6 does, since it is the same rank number as Grimmjow Jeagerjaques, the 6th Espada from
Bleach. I've said it before, but he's the owner of the coolest name in anime... ever.
Cirucci Thunderwitch and Dik Dik Van Dik are tied for 2nd.
Grimmjow Jeagerjaques
Dad
I did get to visit my father recently. He's doing a LOT better. He's smiling and laughing like
he used to. Dad's still a bit disagreeable, but that will never change. He's in a wheelchair now
instead of being confined to his bed. That's a big improvement. I guess that he'll be discharged
within the next week or so. Thanks to everyone for their prayers, supportive messages, and
anything else. My family and I truly appreciate it. ^^
There were no insane oddities at the hospital this time. No Mustache Madam, no 350+ pound woman
in her low-cut Daisy Puke shorts. Dang it. But I did see something worth mentioning on the way
to work this morning...
No Sale
When I reached the city on Monday morning, one of those "salespeople" approached me as I waited at
a red light. If you've driven through a major city, you know who I'm talking about. They're the
bums who try to sell you a newspaper or wash your windshield (or do something else if you're going
through the red light district) before the light turns green. They annoy me and I avoid making
eye contact with them... anyway, this guy was selling something really strange. He had a few
heart-shaped balloons and a white teddy bear. He was selling Valentine's Day goods in MAY.
It was the weirdest thing. He went from car to car, getting rejected left and right.
Jaken: Like you were with the girls in high school?
Grrr... *stabs Jaken in the eye with a screwdriver*
Jaken: AAAAAAHH!!!!
Rin: My lord! O_O
Ha ha! Don't worry, Rin. He's a cartoon character! He'll bounce back. Right, Jaken? Heh heh!
Jaken: *twitches violently on the floor*
Rin, cover him with a rug.
The LS Rewind - May 1, 2005
Today's news story is FAKE. It isn't real! It's made up! I didn't write it this time. Credit
goes to destinyssweetman. Thank you *bows* ^^
Woman tries to impersonate Kagura to impress Anime Character Sesshomaru
Weirdo Town, CO (DSM)- A woman who dressed up like Kagura, a character from the Japanese Animation
series Inuyasha, to impress another Inuyasha character named Sesshomaru, is behind bars tonight.
Freak E. Willis, 25, put on a Kagura costume, smeared her face with make-up, and headed into
town with large, razor-sharp fans. Willis entered Extremely Drunk liquor store on the corner of
25th and E Streets, where she tried to rob the establishment. "It was the latest robbery technique
that I have ever seen," said David Drunk, the owner of the store, "I’ve seen drunks, weirdos, and
stoners before, but I have never seen someone try to rob me to impress some gray-haired guy named
Sesshomaru." Drunk also said that Willis threatened him with a fan. When he refused to hand over
money and alcohol, Willis swung her fans around, breaking 9 bottles of hard liquor, 10 bottles of
vodka, and 7 bottles of gin. Afterwards, the woman screamed and begged for Sesshomaru to come and
rescue her. Police arrived moments later and had to taser Ms. Willis in order to subdue and bring
her to jail. She tried to escape, but was caught while trying to hit a guard with a small fan.
A note was found in her cell, stating, "Sesshomaru, please save me." Ms. Willis is now in a
maximum security prison, where she will face charges of robbery, assault on a peace officer, and
disturbance of peace. Bail is set at $15,000.
Pic of the Day (v2.0) #246
Today's Series: Read or Die
LS vs. Cheese Today's Wisdom
Money doesn't buy happiness? Spoken like a true poor person. *lights cigar with $100 bill*
Response
Time to respond to some comments from yesterday.
Justice is supposed to be female? Lies. Justice is a cross-dresser.
The picture of Yoruichi was the complete screenshot from the anime. Nothing more was shown... unfortunately.
I expected the "pervert" comments to come out after I posted the Yoruichi image and I was not disappointed. I'm a fair guy though. For the ladies, here's a picture of a shirtless man:
Yes, I'm biased. Is that a problem? You want a piece of me? Huh? *holds up fists* Come on!
Friday is upon us once again. Things always feel better on Fridays. A rabid mule could bite me on the groin and I wouldn't complain too much just because it's Friday. With Fridays come fanfics or at least that's how the game is played here. Today marks the premiere of episode 15/26 of "Everybody Hates Naruto", my spoof-comedy series that occasionally... okay most of the time... takes the characters out of their element and out of character to (hopefully) produce laughter from those who decide to read about their adventures. This episode is called "Camping Ninja". I think the title explains what's going on fairly well. It's also a bit longer than usual.
If you're new to the series and want to catch up (you have a lot of reading to do at this point), check out the archives. If you don't care for the series at all, skip over it like you always do. And everyone else, I hope that you enjoy the show. ^^
Mission 15: "Camping Ninja"
Those who seek to get closer to nature can do so by going camping. They take only the bare necessities with them into the wilderness. Basic shelter and various tools used for hunting are among the items carried with them as they brave the elements. The sound of the birds chirping in the trees, the smell of the fresh flowers growing from the grass, the gentle trickle of the cold water in a stream... these are a few of the things that campers live for. Of course, there are campers who would rather be somewhere else. Naruto Uzumaki is one of those campers. He marches along on a seemingly endless trail with a heavy pack on his back. Once his team leader stops, Naruto breathes a sigh of relief.
Iruka: All right everyone! Roll call!
Rock Lee: Rock Lee, present!
Shikamaru: Shikamaru here, would rather be dead.
Gaara: Up yours.
Naruto: Naruto, here.
Iruka: We'll set up the tents here. It's a great place, if you ask me. We have berry bushes to the right of us, a creek to the left...
Shikamaru: Mosquitoes all around us. This blows.
Iruka: Oh, Shikamaru! You'll love camping by the time we leave! Mark my words!
Shikamaru: I hate it when grown ups lie to children. Why don't you tell me the other lies about Santa and the Tooth Fairy?
Lee: Santa... what about Santa? TELL ME!
Iruka: This camping trip is vital for your ninja squads. Each of your teams sent one male member--
Naruto: HAHAHAHA!! You just said--
Iruka: I KNOW WHAT I SAID! *ahem* Each team sent one male NINJA to learn valuable survival skills that will be useful to you in field missions.
Gaara: I want to go home... I'm not even a Leaf Ninja. Why am I here?
Iruka: The judge says that this trip qualifies for community service. If you hate it here, maybe you'll think twice next time before you decide to shave all of the hamsters bald at the pet store.
Gaara: They had it coming.
Naruto (whispering): This is a horror movie waiting to happen. We're all alone in the woods and we have a murderer like Gaara with us...
Lee (whispering): Do not worry; Gaara will not kill anyone on this trip.
Gaara puts on a hockey mask and shines up a chainsaw that he pulled from his backpack.
Naruto and Lee: ...
Iruka: Shikamaru and Lee, set up the tents. Naruto, gather some water. Gaara, get some food for us. I'll make a fire to use for boiling the water.
Gaara (starts up chainsaw): Welcome to the jungle, baby! You're gonna DIE!!!
Gaara runs off into the forest.
Shikamaru: Quick! Let's move to another campsite before that psycho comes back!
Iruka: Now, now. Gaara is a troubled youth who needs friends. If we ditch him, it'd hurt his self-esteem. Now let's get to work.
Shikamaru: Self-esteem my ass... you don't want the Sand Village to sue us if we lose him.
Iruka (sighing): They refused to sign the liability waiver...
~~~~~~
Gaara slowly stalks a rabbit deep in the woods.
Gaara: Be vewy vewy quiet...
Rabbit: You know, what good is tiptoeing around like that when your chainsaw is loud as hell?
Gaara: Um... you have a point. Hey... rabbits can't talk...
Rabbit: *sings like the rabbit in the Skittles commercial*
Gaara: ARGH!!!! SO ANNOYING!!!! DIE!!!!
Gaara tries to slice the rabbit in half, but it jumps out of the way. He chases after the fleeing rabbit, cutting through all sorts of plants and underbrush to catch his prey. Gaara stops when a familiar woman stands in his path before him.
Kurenai: What are you doing?
Gaara: Hunting.
Kurenai: With a chainsaw?
Gaara: Extreme Hunting.
Kurenai: Listen, I have some food at my campsite. You can take some if you promise not to kill any animals. Got it?
Gaara: I don't know... I'm in a killing mood right now.
Kurenai: Ha ha, you won't be after you try some of my famous salad!
Gaara: Salad is for women on diets who're trying to slim down their huge hips so they can fit into an old dress from their college years. Now get out of my way!
Kurenai embarrassingly rubs her hips as Gaara runs off past the elite kunoichi.
Kurenai: Fine! Run away! And it's a dress from high school, not college! Shows what you know!
~~~~~~
Shikamaru and Lee have finished setting up the tents. Iruka boils some water so they can have it to drink later. Naruto's stomach burbles.
Naruto: I'm hungry! Where's Gaara?
Iruka: Be patient, he'll be back. In the meantime, snack on some of those berries over there.
Lee: I think those are poisonous.
Iruka: Nonsense! You can eat the berries! Watch!
~~~~~~
As the helicopter carries Iruka to the hospital, Naruto is left alone with Shikamaru and Rock Lee.
Lee: I told him so.
Shikamaru: Now what? This is such a drag... he said that we have to wait here until the substitute sensei he called for shows up. It'd better not be Ji--
Jiraiya: No need to worry! I'm an expert at camping!
Naruto: Really?
Jiraiya: Uh huh. I saw a women's camp not too far from here. We'll go there and steal all of their underwe--- food! We'll take the food!
Lee: No, we should not steal.
Jiraiya: Oh come on, imagine that we're pirates! It'll be fun!
Lee: Pirates? That does sound fun...
Lee goes into some bushes and rustles around. When he reemerges, he is dressed like Captain Jack Sparrow.
Shikamaru: Who are you supposed to be? A Pirate of the Scare-ibbean?
Jiraiya (rubs chin): Don't mock him, Shikamaru. Johnny Depp is a chick-magnet... hey, you got another one of those outfits?
Naruto: Pervy Sage! We're not trying to get a date!
Jiraiya: I don't want a date. I'm after some booty! *drools*
Lee: Yes, booty is what pirates call treasure!
Jiraiya: Umm... yeah... that's what I meant. "Treasure."
Lee: So that DVD sticking out of your backpack right now... the one that says "Booty Island 4"... that is a pirate movie? So it means "Treasure Island 4!" Right?
Jiraiya: Heh heh... yeah... now here's the plan...
~~~~~~
Kurenai is back at the women's camp. She is there with Tsunade, Sakura, Ino and Tenten. They are eating their lunches that were prepared by Tenten that morning.
Tsunade: Kurenai, you're not touching your salad. Is something wrong?
Kurenai (blushes): Uh, n-no! Nothing at all!
Sakura: Hey, do you hear that? It sounds like...
Rock Lee swings in on a rope, still wearing his pirate outfit.
Ino, Sakura and Tenten: *fangirl squeal* It's Jack Sparrow!
Lee: Hello girls, it is I... Captain Rock Pigeon!
There are a few moments of dead silence.
Sakura: False advertising! GET HIM!
They all throw food at him. While Lee dodges all of the food, Jiraiya stands behind him and catches the food with a large net. Naruto and Shikamaru smirk with approval.
Jiraiya: Easy as pie! *looks at females* Man, only two women?
Tsunade: YOU! I should have known that you were here! I smelled your AXE body spray from miles away!
Jiraiya: It's Tag body spray, thank you very much. And thanks for the food, suckers!
Tsunade: You perverted man-child! Why I oughtta...
Jiraiya: Hey, Tsunade. Dairy Queen made a new ice cream dessert in your honor. They call it the "Silly Cone".
Tsunade (touches chest): Oh... that... does it!!! You're going down!!!
Jiraiya: Not on the first date.
Tsunade: EWWW!!! That's not what I-- girls, let's pound them!
Naruto: Run away?
Jiraiya: Run away.
Before they can run, the sound of a running chainsaw fills the air. Gaara appears, covered in blood. He still wears the hockey mask over his face. Sakura jumps into Naruto's arms.
Sakura: AAAAHH!! It's a creepy serial killer with a chainsaw!
Kurenai: That's only Gaara!
Sakura: AAAAHH!! It's still a creepy serial killer with a chainsaw!
Gaara: I just ran through a pork farm... or a liposuction clinic... I'm not really sure.
Naruto: Hee hee... how long are you going to stay in my arms, Sakura? I'm not complaining...
Sakura climbs down and dumps Kurenai's large salad on Naruto's head. The distraction caused by Gaara allows Tsunade to get close to Jiraiya. This results with him getting beaten to a swollen pulp. Tsunade personally throws all of the males off the campsite and into the forest.
~~~~~~
The five defeated shinobi walk away in agony.
Jiraiya: Ouch. I'm so sore... camping sucks.
Naruto: Yep.
Shikamaru: Hey, let's go to that movie convention we passed on the way here. You guys already have costumes. Rock Lee is Captain Sparrow, Gaara is Jason...
Naruto still has the salad all over his body. Jiraiya's head is extremely swollen from Tsunade's beating.
Shikamaru: Naruto is Swamp Thing and Jiraiya is the Elephant Man. Let's go.
Jiraiya (grumbles): And who are you supposed to be?
Shikamaru: The designated driver.
Jiraiya: Fair enough.
MISSION COMPLETE
Video
I don't want to say what the video is about. Just watch it or you'll make me cry. It's only 40 seconds long. You can spare 40 seconds, can't you?! CAN'T YOU?!
Paper
My favorite food is the sandwich. Two slices of bread and something in between. Meat? Cheese? Peanut butter? I have no real favorite sandwich. As long as it isn't on rye bread, I'll eat it. For dinner, I made a couple of things I call "The Lazy Man's Grilled Cheese". Instead of frying the sandwiches in a pan on the stove, I toast the bread and microwave it with a slice or two of cheese. That's probably the most common way they are prepared now... but the best way is to fry them. My laziness wouldn't let me do that since I'd have to clean the pan afterward.
Anyway, I used cheddar slices that have these pieces of paper in between to keep them seperated. I forgot to remove the paper on one piece and it became part of one of my sandwiches. You'd figure that I'd notice after the first bite. Oh no, I ate about half of the sandwich (and the paper with it) before I noticed. More caution will be taken in the future. On a related note, that was the highlight of my day. Sad... sad indeed.
Not-So-Happy Meal: Pot Found In McDonald's Meal
CHICAGO -- McDonald's Happy Meals are not supposed to be this happy. Keith and Andrea Irelan are planning on suing a McDonald's in Chicago after their 8-year-old daughter was given a Happy Meal with marijuana in it. The bag of marijuana was complete with a lighter and pipe. According to police, the drugs belonged to a 17-year-old boy who worked at the restaurant. He was fired and charged with possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia.
Notes: While reading that, I had an epiphany. I was wondering whatever happened to Mayor McCheese. I now believe that the Hamburglar, stoned out of his mind and having a severe case of the munchies, ate Mayor McCheese's head and buried the body in Toledo, Ohio.
The week is over. I'm out until Monday. See you then. ^^
LS vs. His Brain Today's Wisdom
Two's company and three's a crowd. Both are more than the amount of people who'd pay to see a K-Fed concert.
Response
Time to respond to some comments from yesterday.
Yes, Edge. I'm a bear who wears baseball hats. Curses, my secret's revealed! O_o
My father is doing fine. Whenever I see him again or hear anything different, I'll be sure to mention it.
On a few sites and in a few comments here, I've heard of people having dreams involving me. I don't think that's a good thing. The last thing you want is someone like me in your head...
An I.Q. of 155 can be considered high. Don't call me a genius though. I'm the same guy who thought it would be a good idea to cover a pimple with a Band-Aid, only to draw more attention to myself back in 8th grade.
Thanks for the suggestions. I think I know who to use for Totosai's show next week.
Dream
And speaking of dreams... last night, after the Sandman threw sand in my eyes and then went on to robbing my living room blind once I was knocked out (I miss my couch, you bastard), I had a dream. I don't remember too much about it except that it involved a soccer game and Yoruichi Shihouin from Bleach.
Sure, I could have found a picture that isn't so "revealing" but where's the fun in that?
I wish that I could remember what the dream was about. A soccer game and Yoruichi... hmm. If she was in it, it had to be a good dream. And that figures. I don't remember the good ones. If the dream involves a giant chicken that wants to box against me on a pay-per-view event, I'll easily remember that. But a dream involving a hot woman? Nah, I'll forget that one. My mind just loves to screw with me like that. If not for the fact that it'd kill me, I'd yank it from my skull and kick it senseless.
TV
I was flipping through the channels as I typed that last part. My TV stopped on the Power Rangers. Not the new ones, but the really old one with Jason and Tommy and all the other gender and racial stereotypes in spandex that filled my childhood with such joy. I guess I'll watch it since I'm a sucker for nostalgia. *watching* It's on Toon Disney for some reason. It isn't a cartoon, is it? They look live action to me. They have the acting ability of a ventriloquist's dummy, but they are live people. *keeps watching* Why does that Alpha robot walk like he has a wedgie? Can robots get wedgies? *keeps watching* Uh-oh, the monster just grew. I'm not sure why Rita doesn't make them large in the first place. *keeps watching* Now they're in a flying car that looks like Herbie the Love Bug's mutant cousin that never gets invited to the family reunions. This isn't as cool as I remember it... but I was 10 years old then... my head hurts now. TV off.
Chain Letters
I continue to get chain letters in my inbox. Enough I say! Does no one take my Vegeta warning seriously?! See that picture in my introduction above? Vegeta will really hunt you down and give you an enema with his foot! o.O
The LS Rewind
Today's news story featuring a complete idiot is brought to us by bunraku. Thanks for the submission. ^^
Man takes driving test drunk, fails
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German man failed his driving test after attempting the examination while three times over the legal alcohol limit, police said Tuesday. When the man arrived for the test Tuesday morning, both his driving instructor and the examiner detected the smell of alcohol on him, though the 27-year-old assured them he had not been drinking, police in the western town of Bendorf said. "But his driving was rather bad, so the examiner directed him to toward the police station without him noticing," the spokesman said. "Once there, he had to get out and take an alcohol test, which revealed he was well over the limit." The man will now have to wait "a long time" before he can take another driving test, the spokesman said.
Notes: I wonder how the eye exam went before the driving.
Examiner: Could you cover one eye and read the letters on the first line, please?
Idiot: D... U... I...
Episode 15 of "Everybody Hates Naruto" is up tomorrow. I need to tweak it a bit before the final draft is ready, but it'll be here for sure.
Pic of the Day (v2.0) #244
Today's Series: Dragon Ball Z
