Monday, February 25, 2008

   .............why, man, why..............
Man......I feel like knocking myself out right now. The last week for about seven days, I've been under stress with my situation. It's so bad, and it was right after Valentine's Day too. (which made me pretty happy.) All because of a rumor that I caught into.

I'll explain in general with no specifics. (unless you want to PM me about it) One of my friends(labled A) has rumors going around about her. I ended up learning about it and told her since it seemed like something a friend should do. My other friend(labled S) told me about it too, except she said(that I was definately sure of)that this rumor was true. A and S aren't the best of friends, so I think this is kinda what started something. To what A told me, the rumor was indeed not true. So I felt that I needed to tell her about it. Well I know that I shouldn't of told A of what S said, but A was my friend and......I was just trying to be a friend, trying to clear things up. The next day, I asked S about it. Again, she says that it was true. So I figured that she was positive with the answer, as if she actually asked A herself. I pretty much thought that the two knew about the whole thing. I told A, and she flipped out on S,.....ummmm what just happened?.........all of this happened before the 1st bell rang.

S got furious with me about mentioning the call to A. Again, I didn't get what had happened. Talking with her was out of the question since sall she wanted to do was avoid me (expecially during lunch) So....I waited til the next day. I was really hoping that it wasn't bothering her. It still was. I tried to be as respectful as I could to her, asking if she wanted to talk about it during lunch. She said no. Why not? We could of discussed it easier then since it allowed time.

It was really bugging me. It upset me horribly that she was mad. I felt like getting sick. I again asked her. She wasn't doing much of anything. She got even madder at me. Again, why not? I wanted to explain myself, and....it was really bothering me. It upset me that she didn't give me much of a reason for why she didn't want to talk.

All of this was nagging me. I didn't mean to aoffend her. She knew that I wouldn't mean to hurt her. So why? I ouldn't handle this at all. My worryies at home and my worryies just made me snap. Luckly not verbally, but written.mJust why did she not want to talk? Did she not care? Did she just say that she didn't want to talk on purpose? It was just driving me crazy, expecially with all the negative thoughts that have been swirling around me being S' friend (complicated really) That's what made me snap; all of the negative thoughts and the fact that S was making them seem true.

Now, several days later, we still are not seeing each other. I'm afraid to talk to her since I blew up on her and see that she would never understand why I did it. I heard that she was crying because of it........please God no.....I didn't meant to. I thought that she was punishing me for something I didn't mean at all. I can't even relax hearing that she's upset. It keeps eating at me. I care about her to the ends of the Earth. If she knew me well, then she would see that I truly didn't mean to. This has got so crazy that not even my friends are talking to me. I didn't do anything to them. Please just gimme a break. Now I wonder if they are even my friends. I was always sympathetic towards them. no matter what happened. I'm not getting the same treatment back. So do they actually hate me when they should know that I didn't mean any of it? GEESH!!!! It was a misunderstanding. Just please help me. Everyone isn't even bothering to talk to me and I'm too scared to talk to any of them. I can't take anymore of this torture. Please God help me. I pray and pray and.....I just don't know........

Suika.......If you read....please....I'm sorry....I just want this to end.....I can't take any more of this..........I love the way you are. Who cares anymore of what anybody says of your childish, anime-loving ways. I'm the same way.......JUST PLEASE.......I.....Can't take this anymore.......
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Wednesday, February 6, 2008

   "God will mend the broken-hearted......."
I recieved some passages from Suika....They meant a lot to me.....since I've been taking a bigger fancy to the Bible ever since I got one. I also started to pray as well. It seems that the Lord answered my call.

Things have calmed down a little more in my house. Nothing I can say about that....except I wish I wouldn't be stuck in the house all the time. It's enough to bore someone. I haven't really done anything with my friends for awhile and I want to do something more than anything right now....sigh*...oh well...can't be helped...

Valentines is around the corner...I've really never had a Valentine moment to think about before. I kinda wish I could give something to someone, but a girlfriend is out of the question for me. Some of my friends wonder if I would date someone from my school...I doubt they would find me worthy of it. Plus I find it hard to find someone at my school that relates to me....there was someone,(you know who you are...wink*) but.....I guess it doesn't hurt if I give her something anyway...Its the only girl I was planning to give anyway (maybe the other friends of mine if I can) If you read this.....well....you'll have to wait to see....

That's all I have....I'm better than ever! Hopefully, school will be cancelled tomorrow... Then I can get back on and have fun...
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Thursday, January 31, 2008

   ...............(tears in the rain) - -*
......................(looks to the ground in distress)....hmmm....Its been terrible. I'm fine at school, but at home.....I don't even want to be here...I try to make the best out of a good moment, but with some stupid argument, I get irritated. My mother seems to blow up at me because of my anger. My little brother and sister seem to always back each other up against me everytime we argue. Because of the arguement, I get irritated. I can't take them having the advantage over me all the time. I still get yelled at when I don't even mean anything wrong. It's as if they have more authority than me. My cousin seems to always prove me wrong when I'm trying to be logical about something. I can't play a game without having to worry about what someone says about it. My mother thinks that anime is getting to my head and should be banned from the house (not set in stone.....good thing) Anime is disliked in my house, therefore I can't talk to anybody about it because I'm the only one that likes it. The divorce thing bugs me everytime my mom and stepdad argue. It feels like I have to watch what I do all the time. Otherwise, I'll start trouble. I can't read manga, relax, play games, go on the computer, or use the phone because either I can't have privacy, the joy of it gets ruined, and/or it feels like I'm being watched.-__-..........Most of the time, I feel like crying.....crying in the rain.....where no one can see the tears running down my face.....hidden from everyone that doesn't seem to see the truth behind the rain.....the sorrow in every drop.....- -* It feels like....I have to talk to myself just to have someone to talk to....to vent....I go into the downstairs bathroom, sit down, and talk in a soft tone so no one can hear me.......so I'm away from the rest of my family.......sometimes, I just sit.....every negative thing that ever happened to me I seem to think about......I don't try to, but its just too strong....I feel weak......I wish just to leave from here.....from all of the pointless arguing......all the bad memories that I've experienced......and have all of my dreams become reality.....

All of it scares me.....- -*.....It feels like I can't talk to my friends about my problems because I wonder if they would even care or even want to help......They're always happy, never showing a hint of anger or frustration or worry.....I hate to even mention my thoughts because it seems selfish and a mood killer..... I was like this ever since kindergarden....having a hard time trusting anybody....now, it feels like a broken record, having to go back into my depression I've suffered years ago again. I try to blend in my happiness, just to try to forget about my worries. At school, I feel happier with no need to tell my problems to them. Even still, I sometimes feel alone, as if my worries hidden deep within me are trying to devour my spirit.

I don't try to hurt anybody.....I don't try to mean much wrong.......I don't ask for much......I try to be a helpful person in everyone's heart, hopefully earning their respect that I've longed for what it seemed like an eternity to do.........most of the time failing me......I feel.....alone.....Its like a nightmare.....I just want to scream it out of me and hopefully.....someone will answer me......I can't talk to my parents about this......all they would say is "that's life, get used to it"...."quit being a baby"....everytime it upsets me....

I can't take it anymore.......please........will somebody..............anybody answer me.......I'm finding it difficult to believe that this will ever leave........I feel like crying......I've been trying to pray more.......please...........someone.......I need someone......
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Sunday, January 27, 2008

   Finally over..........for now.
Well, I can't say that everything is better with me, but thanks to last Friday, being the end of the semester and all, I was glad. Sure, I didn't do well on my English and Geometry Exam, but at least I can start fresh for the next semester.

Lately, despite everything that was getting to me, I been.......happier. Ironic, yet true. I've had a few good things on my mind. I know it's a long ways from now, but I've been thinking of Prom. I'm not the guy that like to dance, but it sounds cool anyway. I don't know who's all going out of Suika, Ookami, Shiro, Ace, and Neko, but I think Suika's going. All of my friends are seniors, so.....I want to do something with them all before they leave school. It's important to me, so hopefully, I can go.

Catch? I don't have the money to get in. I'm going to try to get a free ticket.(if the opportunity will exist again) If not, I could pay,even if it's way over my head. Prom's fancy, so that explains the price. I don't know of the price, but I'm in no huury at the moment. It's exciting me tremendesly!!!! I probably won't have a date......which is the sad part of all this. I kinda wanted to go with a certain someone, but if you read my previous posts, you would know more of it who it is. It doesn't matter, because she going to the Prom, (that I know of) so it's still great for me. It makes me happy that I'm going to try to come, since she's going. Lately, she's been boosting my initiative to go even farther than I should on things. Then again, I like her, so it makes sense why I feel this way.(blush red all over)

The family crisis at my house finally died down, so there's been less worries for me. The divorce idea still bugs me a little.

I'm sorry to all of my friends, who's sites that I haven't looked at too much, or left PM's, or signed their guest books, or left comments on. I don't get much time to do that much on the computer, so I at least try to answer any PM's any of you give me and post a taste of my life if I can. Gahhhhhh!!!!!........Oh well...that's life for yah! All of you take care!!!!
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Sunday, January 20, 2008

   .......................................
.............................(this is how I've been feeling lately)..........(I don't know what's wrong with me)............(It feels that I've been too overwhelmed to do any thing lately)..........(I haven't even had much time to get on the internet)..............(The only way that I've been able to is by pretending to do homework).................(I hate to say such things, but I want to stop worrying about everything)...................(I'm betting that none of my friends noticed me being exausted or frustrated or alone...since all most of them like to do is live anime,not life)...........(No matter how happy I try to become, there's always someone in my family that brings me down.)................(I'm afraid to talk with them about it).................(all my parents have been doing to each other is yell at each other).............(I just want to yell at both of them and tell them to stop)..................(I would of got in trouble just trying to prove a point to them).................(I hate typing as if I've been depressed all my life, but well thats what happens when you had no one to count on for the majority of you school life)...................I wish that I could do something fun for a change without having to give favors to earn it.........that's all it seems that I've always done..................I just want to be selfish for a change......not literally, but having to talk about my problems.............it feels that I always have to keep things to myself because I'm afraid nobody will even listen to me or even care to listen at all...................I don't know.............I just wish that Suika, Neko, Haze, Ookami, Shiro(school friends nicknamed)..........would listen to me or even ask if I'm alright.........Everyday, I've been tired, exausted, annoyed..........and they don't notice it............IM RIGHT THERE! ITS NOT THAT HARD TO NOTICE WHEN SOMEONE IS UPSET OR FRUSTRATED!..........What do I get? A one sentence say on what they think of it.........worse........a word...........yeah......At least some of my e-friends like Cosmic Rose are actually willing to give more input than just a sentence............................I've been an emotional wreck for as long as I remember and I've had really no one to tell it to.............I've always hidden it because......I just was sick of having to tell them rather them ask if I was alright...........but that's the only way to get them to know how I'm feeling........and I feel that its a little selfish to do............I can't even relax anymore......I always feel rushed to enjoy myself.................I just can't smile at school If thats not what I'm feeling................but I have to since everyone else talks anime, not life.......................I hate breaking the mood of my friends.........so I just don't say anything...........All I ever try to do is to be nice or helpful or generous or fun.............everyone just catches me being none of those..............

..........I just want to know If anyone even cares that someone is hurt or is in need..........This is what I get for fending for others when you can't even fend for yourself.............that's what I've always done..........never asked for much.........I'm not nice for no reason.........

..................I don't know if I'm going to post for awhile........I need to think this over........I don't want to post over my problems(even if thats what I've been feeling lately)..............I just want to hear that someone is there to help me up.......thats all friends ask for........I'm sick of being sad, tired, frustrated, alone on the floor................and I can't do much to stop it either.........all I can do is try to change it........if I can...
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