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Saturday, October 3, 2009

Hey, what did I post last time?


Ah, so that's it.
I can't believe that I vent up that much here... ~laughs~ I'm kind of light-headed at the moment. I've got a talent of forgetting even the most alarming things that happened to me in an instant. I think everyone also does when they told their problem/s to someone.
So I stopped reading my romance novels. I should have done it a week ago, I realized lately. Finished 6 novels all in all. Many more to read. I'm sure to do some more after this semester.

Hey, guess what. I'm not... I mean, my mind's not associated with Joy. I didn't mean "not anymore" but I seemed to stopped missing all... about her, that is.
It seemed a very good motion of me blabbering my recent miseries... I know writing it was the best for me, I knew that since my last year in high school, but I somewhat hoped someone will notice and try to comfort me. *Oh, this don't really happen, do they?*

And I kind of not afraid to post it here, MyO, 'cause this is the only place in the internet where I know I'm safe. Safe from all the criticism of the people who knew me. Everyone here is so supportive. Maybe that's why I can't leave this place. ~grins~

Oh, not so recently I joined Facebook. Reggie insisted that I sign-up since he, Aniel, and Maricris already got one. (They're the most closest classmates I have.) So I joined. I didn't mean to invite any of them in my friends list but Facebook has a way of providing a very accurate list of who's who. The moment I got my account and told Reggie he'd already looked and added me into his list. I lamented for a short while. Then lamented even more when I began seeing my classmates adding me up after some days. It's not good to turn them down, it's bad. So I reluctantly accepted their offers.

I was planning of doing a public, very much public, journal there but only ended playing flash games with my "friends". And I got real bored. Barely visiting the site for a week. And won't probably back there unless I am so real bored with my busy messed up life. *When would that be? Likely when I got my laptop in school..? And doing really nothing.*

So, to finish this post, I'd like to say that I found the best site I could have, that is, MyO. And I hope the people here don't start fighting each other and stay keeping in touch with anyone they want to keep in touch with. ~comforts with letters~

And I really appreciate everyone's comment.

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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

This is bullshit!

This is so BULLSHIT!!!





I can't believe these things happening on me: my computer'd crushed (!), I got sick, I was not able to concentrate at school, and, worst of all, I think I'm into something forbidden by uncited law of nature!


This is the worst!
This is the worst!
Will there be any more ahead?
Will there be..?



My computer'd crushed...
My animes were all gone... and to think that I'm so overconfident of not copying any of them in a CD... *sigh* I can't download anything at the time... I'm still mourning over my lost animes...


I got sick!
Pretty obvious for me but I did not know that my sinusitis will be that pushy. Before, I was able to cope with my sinusitis still with full energy but this time I failed. I was in sickbed for 3 days. But the experience was really okay since there was a typhoon hovering above the country and I got less than 30 novels to read leisurely. Actually, I only finished 3 short romantic novels 'cause my head easily hurts.


At school...
Maybe 'cause of my upcoming sinusitis, I wasn't able to pay any attention at the teachers' lessons. But now, I'm definitely sure to give my best for the Finals! YEAH!


And finally...



I guess...

No, I think I like Joy now. *damn! I've said it!*
Yeah, that's it.
You see, I see myself as a bisexual who can show affection or be infatuated by the same or the opposite sex, even though I prefer girls over guys (my guys always talks about online games and nothing more). I've a few guys, very few, not much good-looking but has the airs of confidence, intelligence, and who're ambitious. And I mostly found these traits in girls, too. Girls here tend to do a painful job of giving their best in whatever they do to prove what they can be in the community, which I hardly see in some guys. I'd like to see some change but two of my dozens of crushes, a guy and a girl, left before the semester begin which left me so brokenhearted for 2 weeks. They're both intelligent which I feel is the most strongest magnetic force that pulls me to them... but they left me. What am I to them anyway? ~laughs~
So, now, I'd like to provide some explanation on why I came to like Joy but here's the only reason I could make: that in the past few weeks Joy tried to insinuate herself on me by those, I thought was, harmless nags.
I'm kind of missing her criticizes on me... She's brainy yet she don't use it in good terms. What does she know, I don't know. I just know she's not stupid. She's just so stupid not to use her assets.
And I still hate those times whenever I caught her typing relentlessly on her phone, whatever she's typing, even though there's a class going on. I hate the guy on the other end for making her like that. Give some respect! Damn it!
*damn it*
Do I sound jealous now? I hope that I'm not. But I always end up frowning whenever I saw her doing that. Damn! I want to throw her phone into the pond if that's possible! Which isn't... *sigh*
I'm so stupid to reveal my feelings here truthfully when my love for Joyce and Joy, from my first college school, were kept in the shade...
Why... I'm so open now.
Maybe a product of reading too much romantic novels.
*darn* That's why I hate romance!

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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

My life...
At home, I've been avoiding my computer so that I'll be able to focus on my upcoming oration which was supposed to be held today but Mrs. Saltoc had to attend a very important meeting so the date for the oration will be moved on next Tuesday.
I'm so prepared!

My life...
At school, I'm amazed first thing in the morning when Joy popped up like... a lady. (?!)
Well, not really. She just looked matured and... still a kid. She got her hair rebonded, I found out later.
Joy: *sat beside me*
Me: *moved a sit apart from her*
Joy: *starts talking ~amazing~ but I'm not listening* Here's something for you. *holds out a cute stuff chain*
Me: *surprised*
Me: *smiled inside my head*
Me: *not looking at her* Thank you. *I'm happy.*

Me: Reggie, she got me something.
Reggie: No way! Ally got something from Joy. *talking to Aniel*
Aniel: *shrug*
Reggie: Got me something, too?
Aniel: Nothing.
Reggie: Joy?
Joy: Nothing.
Reggie: Can I have this, Ally?
Me: Sure! *but I didn't give him the chain*

Me: Aniel, I thought I just asked you to kid around with Joy? What did you tell her?
Aniel: That you want a souvenir.
Me: What? No. I told you to kid around. Not really ask her to get me a souvenir!
Aniel: ... Whatever. *smiles*
Me: *silent* ... *grunt*
She: *talking to Reggie and Aniel* Actually, I remembered her. That's why I got her something.
Me: *frown*
Aniel: *smirk*
Reggie: Hmph. That's not fair. *began asking everyone for his souvenirs*

After class...

Me: 'ey, thanks again. *not looking at her*
Joy: Actually there were two of that. *pointing at my chain* Someone asked me to have mine so supposedly we should got the same chain.
Me: *remembered Joyce for the cellphone chain she gave me for my birthday*
Me: ...Who cares?

I don't know what happened next...


After school I realized that I thanked Joy twice.
What the~?
She doesn't need that!

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Thursday, September 10, 2009

It seemed that everything's gonna be fine.

Things have changed.
I changed.
Yet I felt that this wasn't true.

I forcefully diverted my attention into something else than someone. I had fun with my friends. I followed my instincts. No questions asked. Just living my life as if I'm free as the clouds floating high above.

No limits.

Where am I getting at?
I don't know.
Maybe I just want to blurt something.
Maybe I just want to state random thoughts.
Or maybe I wanted to talk to someone who'll just listen and comfort me. Someone who's a broad mind. Someone who will accept me after all and accepted me all along.

I've to find him.

I hope I could find him.

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Saturday, September 5, 2009

The rain didn't stopped today. The whole yard was soak with acid rain. It was cold. It would have felt so good to drift into a deep sleep but I was more absorbed into something. Time is running out, yet it felt as though I have the power to declare when the deadline would be over.

I've been thinking... and forcing myself not to think. I realized so many things that I unconsciously did which I misunderstood. So many mistakes were made these past few weeks. I'm an amateur.

I cleaned my tidy drawers today. Very briefly. I saw Joyce's first letter for me. I read the letter. So many questions ran inside my head after.
"Would she write again?" the best question I could remember.
It's been a month since she received my response. I wonder if I'm worth writing a letter with.

I could not produce a definite answer. Maybe I know it deep inside me. I just don't want to believe it.

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Friday, September 4, 2009

I've been thinking and ranting a lot about Joy recently. I won't have to pray for the end of it. Actually, I'm feeling it now. ~slight smile~

Yesterday was rough. I wasn't able to play with my computer. I got sinusitis, again. I slept yesterday afternoon for 3 hours. Another 12 hours from yesterday night up to this morning.

Everything seems so normal, yet it should not be. I have to worry for my costumes for the upcoming oration. There's still this assignment in Electromagnetics which is to be passed on Wednesday. Good thing it was announced that there'll be a national holiday on Monday.

Last Thursday...
Me: *woke up early and brought Hello Panda for Reggie and Maricris*
Me: *on my way to school* Huh? *remembered* I don't have my first class today!
Me: *went into a computer shop and surf the 'net*
Me: *went into the school*
Classmates: Hey! You're early!
Me: Nah! *joined them*
Ananie: *holds a dangerous heavy book* We've got assignments from Mrs. Malveda.
Me: Urgh!
Ananie: Go to the tryouts tomorrow.
Me: I don't want to.
Ananie: Hmmm... Even if you don't go, we'd still be playing on the Sportsfest.
Me: No way.
Then we talked random topics. She rant about the 4th year students for nagging her, she's the secretary of the department. Even though I became a club president once, I've never liked clubs or departments when I'm the one who's charge. I tried to listen to her rants, anyway.

The lessons were very simple, I did not have to take notes. Even though I forgot all, there's still Aniel, my reliable source for notes, and possibly Joy's notes, too. But I won't look forward at the latter.

Time to go home. Unbelievably, Joy joined me and Reggie, again, for a walk till the gate. And very surprisingly I didn't exert any effort to just ignore her and walked straight to my destination.

Me: *about to cross the gate*
She: *already beyond the gate*
Me: *frowns* "She's fast," I told myself.
She: *stopped before me and looked up* Can I come with you at your house?
Me: *drop-jaw* "Amazing..." I thought while shaking my head in the tricycle.

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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I didn't expected anyone will ever read my post yesterday. *Ugh!* Now I'm getting kind of stiff. Stiff. S-t-i-f...f.
No, I think there's no need for that. Three people already read it. *sigh*

So, today was kind of boring yet frustrating in a way 'cause, first, I learned nothing from my worst teacher. Our first teacher, Mrs. Malveda returned our Midterm examination papers. I got 11 out of 40.
"As if anyone can get a passing score when you're not even teaching," I thought and believed that what's running in my classmates' heads too 'cause nobody even got closer to 18 points except Joy who got 14.
"It wasn't fair. Even a genius won't be able to solve that this way." I thought again.
Mrs. Malveda began solving all the problems on the board. I studied them carefully, trying to figure what's up with the lessons. I was caught in a train of numbers and formulas that kept scattering inside my head.
"Everything doesn't make any sense."
I wanted to ask someone, "Where was I when she discussed that?", "Am I absent?", "Am I present but my mind's nowhere on earth?" or "Is this the product of having only photocopies of theorems for the subject and no explanations?"
Man, just reminiscing about it depresses me.

So, the class ended and we got a 90 minutes break before the next subject. And my, ever so, favorite teacher, Mrs. Malveda took the wonderful opportunity and gave us 2 Electromagnetism and Vector Analysis problem to solve until 4pm today. I proceeded to the hallway with my classmates. I prayed and wished something would change the course of my day but nothing happened. So I sat with my classmates and stared out of the window, through the gate, and saw nothing but my mind's vision. It was blank, too.
"How did this happen? Oi, oi!" someone was tugging with my arm. I saw Archie smiling at me while pointing his right index finger at my answers in the last exam.
"Huh?" His smile didn't fade. I didn't know that I was deep in thought of... nothing.
I simply explained how to solve his question by the use of a calculator.
Then, I began solving the freshly given problems.


It was already time for our next class. I was able to answer a question. *sigh*

Now, the worst has came! Joy began talking to me again!!! *WAH! What's all the scheme I made last time? I don't want to talk to her anymore.*
Mr. De Gala arrived and started giving lectures instantly. "Very great! Distractions are the best, today! I am saved!"


Times up! Time to go home.

I did not moved. Joy was standing, waiting... waiting... I frowned, thinking of what she's doing and about to do. I'm losing time. It's lunch already and I'm starving. Reggie's out of the room talking with his co-officer.
"I have to escape this. This time without Reggie's help."
I stood and started going out. Joy walked and enthusiastically said, "Let's go!"

"I was caught."
She: "Come on, let's go."
Me: "..." I looked at Reggie. He's still busy with his business talks.
She: *made a sour face*
Me: "..." I resumed walking and called out for Reggie. "I really need his help right now," I thought.
Reg: "Wait a sec! I'm coming, too!"
*Does that mean I have to walk with Joy up to the gate...?*
I was about to start walking when she pops out of my view.
She: *asking me something*
Me: *cut her before she finishes her question* "You talking to me?"
She: *asked again*
Me: "Don't talk to me." I began walking. Reggie caught up and instantly Joy was in front of us."Unbelievable."
I was talking with Reggie up to the gate, painstakingly ignoring Joy as much as possible.

We reached the front gate. Time to say...
"Bye~~!"Joy broke my attention.

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Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Today was the awaited and anticipated day!

I woke up...
I was so startled by the alarm that my body instantly jumped out of bed.
"This is the day," I told myself and did my daily morning routine.
At school, I was amazed to see only 3 of my classmates waiting outside our room. Our beloved teacher in Circuits, Mr. Pamilar, was out with the Electronics I on a field trip. He didn't told us about this.
There's plenty of time to waste until 9am, I thought. I breathe deeply 'cause Joy was surprisingly already there with Aniel and Andrew.
There's plenty of seats available, too, but I wanted to seat beside Aniel who was just a seat apart with Joy. I've nothing to do, I guess, but to stand. *coward* So I chatted with Aniel while standing for about 15 minutes. Ananie, Maranan, and Gallarda appeared in the scene. I'm a bit uneasy now to stand and talk while they're all seating. *I breathe too deeply then.* I sat between Aniel and Joy.
Aniel and I talked about anything that could come into mind. I was bored after a very short while. Joy was beside me, relentlessly hitting the buttons on her mobile. I'm feeling a little bit dizzy but my curiosity was overflowing that I asked suddenly, "Are you always doing that?" She responded affirmatively. I forced myself to shut my mouth and don't talk anymore.
But I asked again, "What is your Zodiac sign?" I don't want to talk with her but I really wanted to confirm something. She loves precision and details so I concluded that she's a Virgo. But she told me that she's a Capricorn. *depressed for a while*
There's really nothing to do and I really want to finish everything between us.

*This is the right time. If you don't do this today, at this very moment, you won't be able to finish everything. Since she's here and not leaving...*

Me: "Hey, these are the answers for the Geometry questions you gave me. I wasn't able to finish all. There's still two numbers left unanswered."
She: *Yehey!* Thank you! No, it's okay. I'll just try to solve it myself.
Me: "..."
She: *Busy looking at my solutions.*
Me: "Do you understand everything? *I'm suggesting help for further talks but...*
She: *nod* "Yeah."
Me: "..."
I was looking into my bag then. I brought a Pocky chocolate-flavored breadsticks from my last trip to the mall to set as a farewell gift for Joy. I was having second thoughts if what I'm doing is wrong or right. Then I pulled the box. Set it on top of my notes she's holding and asked, "Do you eat this kind of food?".
Man, she looked dumbfounded after! She looked at me and started smirking, smiling, and laughing at the same time.
She: *frowning at me* "Seriously?"
Me: "Do you eat this kind of food?"
She: "Are you really serious?"
Me: "Do you eat this kind of food?" slight change in pitch.
I looked up at Aniel. He's smiling and likely unbelieving of what's happening.
Me: "I bought that in the Supermarket. I got Hello Panda for you. I'll just bring it tomorrow."
He: *Yehey!* Thanks!
Me: *sigh... I'm toast!*

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Monday, August 31, 2009

From a four-day vacation, I have to rest myself and think of nothing and start a new life tomorrow.




Wah!!! I can't! Everything's mashed up in my head!

Tomorrow, I'll be returning what Joy asked me to solve for her. *I accepted that task by the time I knew nothing from her.* I will also ask her to kindly return my "Lone Eagle by Danielle Steel" novel. Then I will end everything that concerns me of her.

So, the program last Thursday was so tiring. Nothing's good, I guess. But I still watched everything, from my assigned to-be-assessed partipants up to the pageant. The pageant was the worst! Every contestant was just answering the questions without thought. They simply answer, even without thought, as long as the word "national language" was there that's fine. It's the worst.

The next day, August 28, it was my cousin's birthday. She partied with our other cousins. They were calling out for me, they say. I didn't know that. Maybe I was already fast asleep then.

August 29, my cousins, Enalou *birthday girl*, Mia, and Janine invited me to join them to go to the mall. I accepted their offer since I would literally be there to buy a certain lotion. We left by 5pm, very unusual I realized, and was in the mall by 6:30pm. I bought my stuffs and we ate dinner at Mang Inasal. Then I asked them if we'll be leaving after dinner. They told me that we're going somewhere first downtown. Ok. No questions asked.
When we're downtown I realized why we left our homes by mid-afternoon. They're going to the bar and they're not telling me earlier so that they'll have company. "The more the merrier."
Since I was not into that kind of gathering, they promised that they'll treat me anything I want. *Possibly a bribe.* I choose Mango Juice and Nachos. They had beers and Squidballs, I think. ~Time passed slowly~ I already finished my Mango Juice and wanted another. They treated me again. Then I finished my juice, again. Then I ordered myself another.
I can't believe the looks on my cousins' faces when I ordered my third drink. They all looked "losers"! *Hahaha!* They drag me into this, they pull me out! That's what in my thought first but I changed my mind and pay for the Nachos and a juice. I think they didn't expect me to be that famished. *At home I don't eat too much food. I'm very persnickety.
So, we got home by 3:30am.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to include that we went to the bar because Enalou wanted to celebrate her birthday with her friends who are working in that bar.

Today I finished my assignment in Speech and Dramatics.
My cousin, Evy, came home. She got a few days vacation before she goes back for her work.
I was able to chat with Mimay. I wanted to ask her some very indirect private questions but since it's already 11:50pm, we got classes tomorrow at 7am, she bade me good night. *sigh* My questions shall wait.

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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

So, today was the day!

One of my classmates was so depressed yesterday that she send us all a text message telling us that she read our module yet she can't understand any of it. At the end of the message she shared that she's looking forward to a failed exam score.
She was so pessimistic that I felt the same, even though I read, understand a little, and still don't understand most of whatever's in the module. I shared some symphathy with her but I had to think of my assigment on that subject which was to be pass today, too. I copied some of my classmates answers, and I believe that she didn't do that.
In the examination paper, every question was from our assignment. I felt overjoyed and lucky to just follow my instincts today. I can't believe at first that our teacher was letting us to copy anything from our assignment. She explained that, "I gave a hint. 'Maybe some of your assignment will be in your next exam...', Hehehe."

Man, I was so mentally exhausted that I spend my next vacant just looking at a slow page-loading computer.

Tomorrow will be the "Month of the National Language". I can't seem to understand why we still have classes tomorrow morning when we're supposed to be preparing for the programs. Well, attendance for the morning will cost a quiz in every subject we got. They know that no one will watch the program so they're using brute force.

My normal life...
It wasn't normal!!! *I think it's normal.* No, it isn't. ~coughs~ Finally, Joy stopped talking to me. *Hooray!* And I think the reason was yesterday's lab activity in Circuits. The class was grouped with each group having only two members. As usual, Joy was my lab partner, 'cause she won't stay away from me. ~whispers~ I was begging my other classmates to change groupmates but they all declined my plea.
So I was alone with her.
I don't know what's gotten into me, I was so irritated, agitated, and pissed... I was not able to hold back my facial expression as the same it was. I think I looked mad, plus my annoyed voice, another plus was my awkwardness. *sigh* I think that started the fire between us. She won't talk to me. I look at her, sometimes. She'd look at me, too, sometimes.
Even though I'm looking at her I can't see her face or eyes. I want to believe that she's really mad with me. But I also don't want that to happen. Actually, I want to be part of her life, I'm just a coward. I don't want to get hurt more and more. But I'm somewhat in pain...

"Don't make the same mistake twice."

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