Friday, August 22, 2008

   I honestly don't remember the last time I was on here.

Time: 8:24 PM Mood: Tired/Suckish (which is normal these days) Song: Disturbia-Rihanna [Whatever Inspires You] ~*~ One of the first things I have to say is, I love you all to death. There is not one day that goes by that something reminds me of at least one of you. I don't care if I you're one of my newest friends on here, or if you're Zakuro-chan or Emmah. I love you all. I honestly do. I know I haven't been on here in God-only-knows when. I know that; and I regret it. I just...It's strange. Some days I feel like I don't need this site to vent anymore like I used to. Other times it's like this burning feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like, I need to talk to you guys. The familiarity of this place...It's so reassuring. So much more reassuring than the sophomore year I'm about to jump into. I don't even wanna go there. Anyway, how has my summer been going? This summer has been the worst summer of my life since the summer my grandpa died. (Which was last summer). But this time, it's not grief over a dead someone. Oh, he's very much alive. But that's what kills me. --sigh-- If you don't wanna be depressed, stop reading now. Anyway, yeah, it's still the same guy. The same old Poodles, eh? You ask. Oh yeah. See, something happened...on the last day of school. And it took everything I had to not cry right there in front of everyone...that day. But that's not what this is about. It's just this huge, pathetic case of self-pity. I just feel sorry for myself; because I am fully aware that I can't handle these feelings, I'm not strong enough, I'm not good enough for anyone, let alone him. I give him credit for one thing: He's helped me to realize how messed up of a person I really am. I see myself for real, now. And what I see scares the living shit outta me. I can't believe I beat myself up over a guy. A GUY. Yeah. And this problem just circles back to the "I'm-the-weakest-person-on-Earth" dilemma. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he hadn't been the first person I'd every felt that way about in my whole life. I'm sorry I'm forcing this on all of you. This whole thing is so stupid. I know there are people out there who are suffering a thousand times worse than I am, but here I am, feeling the lowest I've ever felt in my whole life, over something so STUPID. That's why I'm afraid of going back to school. If I go back, I might see him again. And then I might really lose it. I don't know what'll happen if I see him. That's what I'm scared of. What I might do. And you know what? No one's probably reading this anyway. Because I've let you all down, and practically ignored you all the entire summer. What's wrong with me? Wasn't my goal in life to be there for my friends when they needed me? --snorts-- Goes to show how I live up to myself, doesn't it? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...to all of you. I've failed you. I don't deserve--I never did--what you've all done for me. I'm crying right now; I am dead serious. I am sobbing hysterically...I don't even know how I'm typing this. I guess that's all I wanted to say. You guys; you awesome anime freaks; are some of the best friends I will ever have, and I love you so much. You have no idea. I'm so sorry.

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