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Sunday, June 1, 2008

Hello everyone. Im still here.
Im trying, for mostly all of my friends that really do care.
Thanks Zaku, Emma, KD.

Love you all.

Im hanging on.

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Friday, May 30, 2008


Hello everyone. *Scratches head*
Well...there is alot to talk about. But few of it to post.

Well...what do I feel like saying on here.
I guess I should say the main thing.
Im this close to death again *holds pointer and thumb slightly apart* Summary?

Im dying.

But. On a better note....
That's odd. Like, *claps hand* "Change of subject!" =D
I dont mind it though this time if I do finally go. It's hard anyway, this life.
But does that mean Im just giving up? That Im weak? Im not sure. I know I have nothing to live for. Why is dying not a big deal to me?

It's getting hot here in Yuma. Fried chicken! Hah.
I have no humor....not today anyway. Hm

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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

If you ever hear my squeal my head off laughing, and crying out of complete happiness. One of the following must be occuring.

1.) I've just met Emma Mae, KD, Chance, or one of my closest friends from Otaku.

2.) Twilight the movie is gonna rock the U.S!

Sadly, though it could not be the first....
It is awesome...that it is the second!

Oh, I was disgusted with the actors at first, but I finished reading "The Host" by Stephenie Meyer today, so I decided to invade her web page, and remembering Chance talk about the previews I decided I would go and give them a couple runs in my mind.
I was amazed at how they really did pull off the characters in some sense!
Oh, I was extremely impressed with Carlisle and Alice!!! I just cant explain how happy I was/am! For the moments that I really do live for. They are the best, and I cant ever imagine...why I was so upset five seconds ago.

*Still watching movie* Look at Jasper! Wow...this is so impressing...Im gonna wear doggy ears to the movie with my friends Micah, Lisa, and Christopher.
We're still kidnapping Chris, right Micah? O.o'
I would think so. Him and his "Tiger Ears."
December 12th guys.

Emmet...was something else though. Not the best actor for the character in the world I believe.
James and Victoria's character just was out there in their actor's I believe nicely done. Freaky. lol

This is the one I watched....

When I move to Phoenix. Im gonna go to church with Stpehenie Meyer! XD Love being a Mormon girl!

Right that's it....
I just relized though.
Jacob doesnt have much show in Twlight....
(Of course, I dont care much for the actor.)


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Tuesday, May 27, 2008


Hello everyone! I'm aching evrywhere right now! I was so anxious to get home so that I could catch my bestfriend online, I ran straight from the busstop the 2 miles home! I wasnt even thinking about my ankle that I had sprained just a couple weeks ago. I dont think I mentioned that? Anyways.

Today at school...really actually sucked. I wanted to cry so much. I wanted to ditch and run away or something. So much stress over people. But everytime I end up saying, "No. I'm gonna prove them wrong."
But it's becoming more and more overwhelming the more friends that decide to leave me. And the more and more people that get cocky with me and throw me to the ground.
Mom made me upset last night, and when I get extremely upset with someone at home, instead of starting a pissy fit, I simply go in the front yard, pick up a stick, and start digging a whole. And that's exactly what I did. But I found that when I wasn't as stressed anymore, mom and completely locked me out of the house. I nearly had to sleep outside if I hadnt have managed my way into my brother's bedroom window.

But even when Im upset, I can still keep my heart pounding with a tad bit of happiness. Whenever I think of a special friend. Which is mostly when I think of someone like Emma, or KD, or just anyone who hasnt exactly just left me in the dust quite yet.

But there is more stress then those tears of happiness.

I also have doubt mom will really be disconnecting my internet anymore. But if the stress continues. I might dissapear of my own affair.
Im hungry...

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Monday, May 26, 2008


Isn't she pretty? I love her voice too! X3

I went back to YouTube after what seems five years. And I went through my videos. I never posted this one...not that it's important anymore. It is: "Old an expired" especially with credits but yeah. Im to lazy to delete and fix.

My countdown is gone. But that's beause my time is up. Mom is most likely disconnecting my internet.
Sorry my dears.

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Friday, May 23, 2008

Frequently Changing.

So how do I start out this post?

So it seems. Just when you think things could get no worse than they were. Those extra terrible things creep up on you and destroy that extra 1% of your life that was left.

I feel like everyone is plotted against me.

But anyways. What would you call my current pain? It's worse than the case with Kenni. Yes. Much worse. Because this was a person who it seemed, helped me through that. And now it seems Ive even lost Kaoru. Though, with the case. He wasnt ever even there.

Oh but of course. Though I have a loss, I have a gain. I can build an even stronger relationship with the real Kaoru now. It seems that really, the only difference is first to last name, and rather if we shall classify the poor soul as a female or a male.
All the same. Emma is my friend. But of course, she had to be "Silly Jacob" and delete the Kaoru Hitachiin account. Emma, love, you could have left me at least that much. Dont you think?

I still feel so heart broken and hurt.

But on a different note. Well. There isnt much of a different note. I am so stressed now, it is absolutely rediculous. I cant posssibly even come to words on how I feel. Because it really cant be explained. I feel heavy, and tired. My head hurts, my chest and head throb. And I just want to cry. Over someone who never was even there.

My theme has changed. It could be absolutely pitch black right now and emo. That's how I feel by mounds. But, I suppose I wanted to live for the moment. What got me into the riceballs, Im not sure. Though I wish it was blue and not pink. The color I use is depended on my mood. Blue is how I feel. Not very soft pink at the moment.

Though earlier, my brothers and I were doing a very good attempt at a three way chorus of L's theme. So we had me doing the main tune, and I would snap when my brother Morgan would come in with the background filling, and I'd clap for Logan and his extra effect of let's call it, an alto version of the theme. It was fun.
Thursday is our choir concert. I want to school to be over with. Im so tired lately. Drama. Science project is due Tuesday. I dont know how I'll pull that off.

Hm..what else. Not much actually.
Im sorry guys. I know Ive been complaining alot lately. And all whoo whoo Im gonna leave. But... >.< Now I really think I am. Anyways, I have to paint some bedrooms I think today. I might be on...I might not. It all depends.

Love you all.

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Thursday, May 22, 2008


Wow I made alot of typos in that last post.
But I was upset.
And I still am.

I feel like crying every minute of everyday.
I wake up in the morning, and I'll take a minute to sit and think; "Today Im gonna put in an effort to have an awesome day! Im not gonna have anyone ruin it!"
But the second I get to school I get aches in my stomach and I feel like crouching down and crying. I really, really, wanted to today.

But I found when I wanted to- when I could.

I couldnt.

I was just simply, to say...out of tears.
Mom has me on several different types of depression medication. And boy, do I know I'm depressed. Because I don't know what over.

I still feel like I have no friends. No one to talk to. Someone who I thought of as (one of) my bestfriend(s) wont even answer his phone on my calls anymore. Though that makes me cry. I'll blow it off like I will do everything else.
Kaoru, I dont feel like you love me. But heck, I dont feel like anyone does. And I'm not amazing. How can I be anywhere like my amazing older brother Jacob? Especially when I'm sitting here, looking so pathetic. I love you though Jacob.
I bought "The Host" Monday. It took me forever to find it at Hastings. At first, I even thought it was possibly sold out. "Hey, it's Stephenie Meyer" I thought. "Not surprised."
But as soon as I was leaving they got another shipment in. I was happy. Im halfway through the book. It's a bit odd...but really good. I can't wait untill the fourth "Twilight" book "Breaking Dawn" comes out. I will literally camp out side one of my bookstores to get that thick black book. I absolutely cannot wait. 71 days as of today untill it comes out.

When the movie comes out in December, my friend and I will go see it out of curiosity. Im not too happy about the actors, infact, I E-mailed a complaint against their choice. My friend, (who is 17 so he picks on me like heck) Chris, was joking:
"They probably have caller ID, So they'll be like; "Agh! It's that one crazy girl again!""
I'm gonna make Chris read the series. But back to the point, when we go see the movie in Decemeber, we're gonna wear doggy ears and a tail to support the werewolves. I'll bring my poster board saying "Hot Dog" and pictures of a werewof and the words Jacob (Black) all over it. I love Jacob! He's the best! I was squealing all over him in the book. Of course. I love the vampires, too, I just- love Jacob more. Hahaha. My personal Jacob is real better than any fictional character though.
Ive got that huge science project to work on now.
I feel like crying too, so I should probably take a couple depression pills. Just a few weeks left of school. Vacation is what I need right now.

By the way, my mother droped my cell in the toilet Monday evening on accident. So you cannot reach me on my cell untill this weekend. My house phone is available after 3:00pm Pacific time though to those who need to talk to me.

Thanks guys.

But I still will dissapear soon. I even know the day that I intend to leave.
So suck the love out of me while you still have me.

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Sunday, May 18, 2008


*ruffles hair*
I feel so stressed out!
*flops self on floor*

I have this gigantic science project that the fat old science teacher only gave us two weeks do anyway, presentation and all! And mine is do next Tuesday! If I fail this, well. I get my fisrt F and that F doesnt stand for just failing science. It stands for failing the 7th grade.

Gass prices are off the chart. And so is food now. I dont see how people think we are going to beable to keep up and afford this either! Its absolutely rediculous!

I feel like I have no friends. 0. Squat. Nothing.
I dont even feel recognized or loved by anyone.
I have no one to talk to. And Im still known as the "Japanese Bitch" at my school just because Im so obsessed. But now, I just set in the corner of classes and write FanFic, draw (it's more like scribbling now adays) or read.
I suppose though Im getting somewhere more with a wide spread of books now. Stephenie Meyer has a new book called "The Host" and that should tie me over for a month. At least until the 4th book of the "Twilight" series comes out. What will it be called again?

Montel Williams stopped his shows Friday. That upset me, because he really influences me.
I'll never forget on one show- a girl asked him; "If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?"
He answered immediately:
"Nothing because I love who I am right now."
He could have answered that he would get rid of that one disease that will eventually ruin his life completely. More than my little Diabetes has mine; He could have said
"Get rid of my Multiple Sclerosis"
But he didnt. He didn't even let it cross his mind. Because he doesnt think of how terrible his life. Or how much his disease SUCKS.
He doesnt letis life every second of every minute of every hour of every day, week, month, year!
And eventually. Neither will I.

I walk around though. Feeling absolutely horrible but Im gonna act like Im fantastic! Because if I act like I am. Hey, eventually Im gonna be. Because really.
I can be the most depressed person on the planet!
But then I can be the happiest person too!
Sometimes I feel comepletely alone.
And sometimes I can think "Ive got JayJay and Chance and Sareena!" and like, thinking just that. I get so happy! Like Im even smiling now.

Im thinking about one day; just completely dissapearing from hear. And all contact.
I wonder who would really actually miss me. And who would be like whoopie fliipn do. It was just that one girl.
I think I will one day. One day soon too.
This sounds really bad...but.

Decide if you really want me or not.

'Cause I might not be there next time you do want me.

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Saturday, May 10, 2008

"If I give you my heart...
Will you promise not to break it?"

Is that not pure innocence or what?

Im really upset. .__. Wonder over what? Hahahah. Yeah right. But, Im done crying over him. I really am sick of these little games. Sometimes I just wanna be like, "You know what *grabs Kaoru & Grant* I dont need you! Ive got better friends!" And that's how I really feel.

.w. I get meh kitteh today!! An orange tabby. I think I'll name him Peaches.

I got around to reading "Tuck Everlasting" Thursday. Wednesday I screwed up my right ankle pretty bad, so a book was about what I was limited to.
I took me a coupke hours to read it too. Good book. I fell in love with Jesse XD I guess I like brown haired boys. But I love glasses too. ^^; Anways, yeah. I cried. It was sad!

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Tuesday, May 6, 2008

My friend Hamchan!
Im laughing my head off right now.
Here we go Chance...ah, this is just hilarious.

Meet, Hamchan, Chance.


Im not even going to give the whole story behind that rat.
But Im laughing so hard Im gonna be sick!
It's hot...maybe I'll go in the pool...

This is show kyoot....

cute cat

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