Wednesday, June 22, 2005

   umm....yeah....you might wanna get some popcorn for this post...its kinda long...and i advise you guys to all go to the bathroom b4 reading this....lol...perhaps throw in a movie....lol

Worried/Stresed out/Depressed

Hey people, sorry I havent been here in awhile but yeah....I just havent been in a chatty mood and a mood for "sharing my feelings" lol. Anyhoo, now im here so ill tell you what has been oging on...I started in my room, i got the red stripes done and the red cieling, and i started on the black walls yesterday, but i cant do mych of that bcuz the smell of the paint is so much stronger than the red that i can only spend about 15 minutes in there every few hours when im painting the black....OHH!! I had TONS and TONS and TONS of food last night..I dont know why but i was really hungry and i wanted very different things...lets see, what did i have..??

Koga's Food List:
1-Mac and Cheese from KFC
2-a snacker from KFC
3-Medium fried from mcDonalds
3-a fruit and walnut salad from McDonalds(not very good...and not worth the price, just an FYI)
4-2 tacos from taco johns
5-Potato oles from Taco johns
5-some of my moms potato oles from taco johns ^_^
6-2 bottles of water to go along with the massive food load

That was my dinner last night, lol...and i had to pay for practicaly all of it...i spent about $13 on that food, lol. ^_^

Anyhoo, nothing else really happened...Oh yeah..this subject gets me real mad and stressed out and makes me cry so yeah..maybe i shouldnt talk about it.......

oh hell ith it ill talk. Well, I have to work on Thursday in the Lemon and usually, I would love to work ya know? But I really REALLY REALLY dont want to work on thursday. The spot they are working at is the Wheels, Wings, and Water Festival, and it gets really REALLY busy...so busy that there have to be like 8 people in that tiny little lemon working....i know...more help right? it wouldnt be as stressful, right?? WRONG! I dont work that way...the way i work is that the more people there, the more stressful it gets bcuz I feel like i have the world on my shoulders, and if somebody messes up, its my fault, and i feel like i have to take care of everybody and make sure that they are doing their jobs...that stresses me out completely...and the more people there, the more stressful it is bcuz and WW&W festival, there are 8 pople, and each person only does 1 thing...like one person shakes the glasses, 1 person sqeezes the lemons, 1 person cuts the lemons, etc. And my thoughts are./...if i screw up or do something wrond...it will be my fault for scewing up the whole system....If i mess up, the whole line of people will get backed up and everything will slow down, all bcuz of me. I know, messed up thinking but thats how my mind works...

I told my mom this stuff, and shes like, "no, itll be fun, youll have fun, dont be such a drama queen"
me:"MOM! i dont work like you do,, i get stressed out really easily!"
mom:"OH calm down...youll be fine, itll be fun."
me:"mom, you dont understande how im feelin right now so you really cant have any input but im telling you, if i workl there i will do 1 of 4 things...
1-shoot the customers
2-shoot the workers in the lemon
3-shoot myself
4-have a mental breakdown, cry, and quit the job"
mom:"paige nicole, you are going to work whether you like it or not!"

and then i got home, called travis and cried....she never listens to me...I told her a few months ago that i needed like pills for depression or w/e bcuz i was really depressed and started cutting myself a lot, and her response was, "Youre a teenager, you go through this stuff, youll ve fine" and I told her one time that i needed serious therapy bcuz i was severly depressed and my thinking wasnt right...I was contemplating suicide every day and everyminute i was thinking about dying and how wonderufl it would be to be dead...."Paige, youre a teenager, its just hormones" WHAT THE FUCK?!?! that woman never listens to me...she just blames being a teen and hormones...I told her that i think i had an anxiety disorder and a stress disorder bcuz i would get anxious around ppl for no reason...even people icve known for years, and even in the morning, waiting for the bus to come..i would almost have a panic attack bcuz i was so worried and shit....and the stress disorder thing..well, i already told you about that...but again, she blamed being a teen andblamed hormones....I told all of this to travis last night...and i started crying my eyes out...she just doesnt listen to me at all when it comes to that stuff....I tell her serious things and tell her things that i could need for illnesses and sicknesses but....she just brushes it off....that 4 monthsperiod when i was severely depressed and cutting myself non-stop....I wouldve killed myself, im sure of it...if i hadnt found travis...he comforted like nobody ever did...he made my life fun again and he became my safe house frm all of the shit with my ex bf (the stuff that was making me depressed)....God i love that man...if it wasnt for him i wouldve killed myself months ago, m sure of it...I even had everything all planned out about how i was going to do it...but then i met trav...and he saved me from all that shit....*sigh*

Thanks for listening to this extremely long post and my rambling...sorry to always go off on you guys..i know that you probably dont want to hear about this and dont really care but....thanks for listening to me whenever i ramble like this, lol.
Toodles!
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