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Monday, July 4, 2005

Half Alive
I feel drained.
I slept long, but still I have no energy.
Last night,
My whole being just shut down.
I couldn't talk.
I couldn't move.
I just stared.
I felt dead.
I still feel half alive.
And I thought I had a father.
But the man I knew is dead.
The alcohol ate his heart.

As he drove...I thought I was going to die. When my father dropped me off and drove madly away my mother came out and asked me what happened. My anger came before my saddness and I told her she blew it. Which wasn't true. She thought I was being fresh and started yelling at me. I went inside and locked myself in the bathroom. I cried and I felt myself slipping away. Something hardened inside of me.
After I came out she somehow got the story out of me, even though I was acting braindead. She apoligized profusely.
I had locked my emotions inside and the numbness swamped me.
This always happens.
I always end up hurt.
This time my hopes where too high,
I actually thought...
it nearly destroyed me.
Trust...hope...the ability to forgive...
nearly obliterated.
I ache...and I bleed...
This won't be the end of my dreams.
I will hope-
and I will limp on.

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