Thursday, October 7, 2004

Uniform Day

Ack....uniform day. I got busted for not having a good enough shave or a good enough haircut. Add that to my failing Algebra II and Free Enterprise, the fact that two of my teachers are racially biased against American Indians, and that the only classes I can pass with my eyes closed are the only ones I can SEVER MY HAND IN or get tetanus from rusted insignia pins... *shrugs* The girl I like most is...well....I am not sure on that front. My friend, Ron, and I are saving up every dime we can find for the Phoenix fund, and I've become agitated with my mother's goddamned whacko antics. Damned greedy bitch wanted to charge a SIXTEEN year old rent.... I'm trying not to think about smoking. I have so many friends who'd be hurt if I did, but my dad and mom are driving me nuts with their shit. It's all I can do not to raid the whiskey cabinet, much harder not to grab a smoke and light up. But I'm stronger than that, and I won't kill myself slowly and painfully. I'll let sickness do that when I'm 125, damnit.

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Wednesday, October 6, 2004

Tired all day

No song lyrics...too tired. I can barely talk on AIM. Put up the first chapter of a fanfic at FF.net, and I am currently making plans to be an Arctic Foxkin at the next Phoenix LARP....that's pretty much it, for now. I am no longer depressed. Just a little restless.

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Heartless...

Little impotent minds, You promised me hope, you promised me peace of mind. Now I'm all alone crying some tears That I wouldn't even think that could ever appear. And now I'm all alone in the darkness full of minds, That only tease, and never think of the pain that's inside... I feel like the Macintosh OS. "Find Program HEART.exe.....searching....file not found." Now, I run out to talk to a few friends, trying to get over the numbness, trying to show a little happiness or a little joy.... "You idiot! You're dealing with shit you shouldn't have to! Your heart is fucking gone!" Dad's bein' an ass, sleep's bein' elusive...seems like I ain't slept a wink in a week, though I know for a fact I slept a good four, five hours earlier. Now, it's just..... I've become so numb, I can't feel you there. I've become so tired, so much more aware. I'm becoming this, all I want to do Is be more like me and be less like you! Please, please, please don't blame yourself for this. You know who you are, and I know you'll read this. I know I'll get through this. I know I can live, I know I'll grow stronger from this. PLEASE don't hurt yourself or blame yourself over this. THAT would kill me, more surely than losing you could ever do.

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Tuesday, October 5, 2004

Sick, and feeling worse

I've put my trust in you, Pushed as far as I can go. For all this, there's only one thing you should know. I feel....numb. I cried my eyes out last night. I called home sick because I couldn't make the whole day without breaking down like I thought I could. My pillow is soaked, I need sleep, my throat is sore, my head's sore, my hands are crooked and bent... Breakups suck, every time. There is hope, though, we're still friends. And I haven't sworn off women (again) forever. No....I can't type anymore. I feel so numb, I want to cry. Again. ....*puts my head down and cries*

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Monday, October 4, 2004

I've made a mess....

Look around your world, pretty baby, Is it everything you'd hoped it'd be? The wrong guy, the wrong situation... The right time to roll to me. I fucked up last night. I asked a question I had no busniess asking, rushing something that needs patience...Oh, god, how the hell did I fuck up so badly? I can't even remember what kind of day I had, I was thinking about it all day. How the hell do you ask a girl to marry you out of the blue like that? How the fuck did I?!? I know I want to, and I know I love her, but HELLS, there wasn't a romantic setting or anything!! I was tired and had a headache and out of the blue, I proposed to her OVER THE PHONE!!! AND I'm only just going to turn seventeen in TWO MONTHS!!! I need some serious pills right now...I have a migraine that hasn't gone away since last night, haven't gotten any sleep, I even stayed awake during Free Enterprise and Algebra II. I asked her to MARRY me...and I meant it with all my heart, I love her so much. But GODS, how the hell could I fuck what we had up so royally?! Somebody help me....please, dear god, just help me... EDIT: Ron, I know what you're gonna have me talk about...I think. And I've managed to save myself from running around in circles, damning myself into the ninth circle of Hell. I'm gonna kinda chill on the relationship thing, kinda see where life takes me, I suppose. Of course, I'm setting it in stone that I want to join the Air National Guard....Security Forces. Pretty much for the fatality count, the glory, and the helping-people factor most of all....

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Sunday, October 3, 2004

Weekend painting...

I hit the ground runnin' with the mornin' sun. When a job needs doin', I get it done. I show up early an' I go home late. Everybody knows I pull my weight. I spent the whole day Saturday painting a house. Great for service hours, great for my tan, great for my strength....bad for my daily convo with Kei. Gods, that girl has the most profound effect on me... Ah, well. I'm talking to her as I type and I'm having a great time. Of course, my neck's buggin' me like hell, and I've actually tried that paprika hendl. VERY good, but also very, very dry. Good stuff, I recommend it, if you want a little spice for your dinner. On a lighter note, much lighter, I'm probably going to the Pheonix LARP event this month, this time as a new character: the Arctic Foxkin Matthew Talbain. I think this time I'll be Druid-Fighter, and Mick and I'll be running a gambling ring in the Tavern. Oh, yeah....service eeps like crazy.... *grins* I am officially a taken man. And I love being with someone else. Well, this closes my post for the day. I ain't got much else to say.

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Friday, October 1, 2004

Fevers suck...

No song lyrics for you today. Sicknesses suck. They sap your strength, leave you feeling like crap, and eat away at your cash. Yeah, it's a fever. *shrugs* Ain;t much of an update, I know, but still...I feel like crap but I promised myself I'd update every day. Sorry.

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Thursday, September 30, 2004

POCKY!!!

I'm the king of the ring! Come here and play with me, Me, the king of the ring! Bringin' you the energy... POCKY!! *nibbles my pocky* I got lotsa pocky, and lotsa ramen.... I've lived in this apartment nearly five years. FIVE YEARS, and I'm only just discovering the Asia Market around the corner. How the hell do I miss a store that sells my favorite ethnic group of foods?! More importantly, how do I miss it for FIVE YEARS?!?! Okay, all done with the Asian foods rant. I had an okay day, for once. Looked forward to getting out of the goddamn PLAN ACT testing to lunch, but Sarge had to count and recount the tests twice. It's okay, though, it got me through four more of Jonathan Harker's journal entries in "Dracula". Really good book, can't believe this is only the thirty-fourth time I've reread it. (Mem. Must get around to reading more, and try out "paprika hendl") Hehe...I love that book. Hate the movie, don't watch it. It's like...you watch the movie, and you start wondering what the hell you're on. Lunch was good, and I'm having stroganoff for dinner. Pops is in a good mood, and I'm not getting evicted. YAY!! REALLY GOOD DAY!!! KEI'S ON!!!! *goes to huggle my kanojo* Yep, this is a really good day.

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Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Days go by....

Daylight again, Following me to bed. I think about a hundred years ago. How my Fathers bled... When everyone's talking, and no one is listening...how can I decide what my life is going to be with everyone around me telling me what to do or how to do it? Mom wants me to be "successful, like her."..How the FUCK is tailoring to a drunk's every whim considered successful? Personally, what I'd call successful...wou;d be raising a daughter to the best of my ability, and then watching her and her husband raise on of their own and being the best they can be. THEn, I will consider myself a success. I care little for money. I'd prefer to have only enough to keep myself and a family alive than having too much for just myself....I want to be a family man that much. Today, I saw the way a young man held his baby daughter in the park. I saw how he looked at her, as if she were a treasure that he'd been gifted with by the Heavens. And to him, she was, I know. I can just tell that man is going to be a good father. That's what I want. To be able to hold a little girl and say, "I helped make this baby. I am a father, and I will do my best to raise her." I want that so badly, it hurts. I'm not going to go out and make someone a mother, though. Not that I'd have the opportunity. I'm avoided like the plague by everyone who really gets to know me. *sighs* Life really does get to you. The last really good day, by normal standards, I had was my tenth birthday. After that...well, I haven't really had a birthday since. I mean, sure, I'm getting older. I don't even recognize the face in the mirror anymore. But...like "One Headlight" says, I haven't changed, but I know I ain't the same. Maybe I'm being confusing...I don't know. All I know is that I'm starting to wonder what my lot in life is.

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Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Somewhere

When this began, I had nothin' to say And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me. I was confused, and I let it all out to find I'm not the only person with these things in mind. Home: Dad's driving me up the wall, again. One minute, he tells me he loves me and he doesn't care about money, that all of it's for me anyway. The next, he's yelling, hitting, and screaming at me about wasting money we don't have to waste. School: Again, I'm an outcast. No matter, I stopped caring long ago. I fit in nowehere here, even with Ron's group or Addison's group. They try to fit me in, but there's always a feeling of tension, that what I know doesn't matter to them at all. Steph's House: What was I on? What am I on still? Why do I keep going to this land where all I get is stares. From her parents; "Touch my little girl and die." From her brother; "Touch my sister and you'll regret being born." And from Stephy; "Touch me or you go through life alone." I took the easy way out and Now I'm facing life alone. Well, not really alone. Mick, Ron, and Corey are all there, as usual, but even then it feels tense between us. Especially with the question of my moving in soon hanging in the air. And then there's Imi, as we all call her. Though she does have her own problems, she takes time to hear mine out. Lucky she lives in England or I'd ignore all my brain's warnings and try to date her. And last, we come to the girl who's fast-becoming my best friend. And even closer than that, it seems. Kei, a regular firecracker. She can write, she can type, and she can joke. That's all I need, normally. She's older than me by a year and few months, but I don't feel awkwad. No, what made or would make me feel awkward nowadays would be that, if I DID try anything now with Stephanie like I did back then...I would be marked as a sex-offender. The court proceedings would happen sometime in January, because of our system, and by then...my seventeenth rolls around and I get branded as a sex-offender and child molester. Just because her parents don't like me. So, yeah, my life's kind of on tenterhooks right now. Meh, I got school now. Damned freakin' Algebra teachers, they all hate me, I swear. I need to find somewhere I belong.

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