Monday, July 28, 2008

   Heath Ledger and School . . .
Yeah, okay, I know this is coming out of nowhere and it's about six months later, nor do I expect anyone to read this or even care what I have to say, but I feel terrible about Heath Ledger having died. When it happened I was left disconsolate and isolated myself from everyone, including myself, and the way I felt, though, I have no idea why. Even my teachers were telling the counselors that I was acting differently.

I feel as though I have no right to be upset about it because I never knew him, never spoke to him. It's not as though he was family or friend. Who am I to feel bad about a stranger dying? It still eats away at me and I still hate thinking about it. Yes, I like him as the Joker, and to be honest, think he made a pretty sexy one, but I don't want to be superficial because I also care about the man who played that character, who wouldn't have been brought so scarily to life had he not taken on the role. I respect him for it and I had respected him even beforehand. I can't think of them as the same person so that's why it's painful for me to think of Heath but not Joker (pointless detail).

Please, anyone who does read this, understand what I feel and if not relate to it, simply respect it. I had to let this out, and just writing it a thousand times on a piece of paper hasn't helped. I want to know that some people actually feel the same, that I'm not crazy, or being shallow or being an asshole. Maybe I shouldn't have waited so long to say this, but I think it helps if at least one other person read this and understood and felt the same way because I'm not used to people understanding.

School is starting soon so I also have that over my head, too, and with both of those things put together I just want to break down and cry and I'm so sick of feeling this way. Maybe I'm just an idiot for feeling like this for Heath, but, God, I don't want to return to the hellish routine dubbed school either, especially when I'm already living in a different one. I can't sleep, I don't want to eat, all because of two stupid things that maybe I shouldn't even be worrying about in the first place. I just want someone to empathize with me because no one else seems to get it.

I've never had to deal with death before, and it would feel so wrong to accept Heath's death. Wouldn't he, or anyone, get angry if I didn't feel sad anymore, if I accepted his death, thought it was okay to move on, forget it? I feel as though I just can't do that, just can't accept it and get over it. It's just so hard. It doesn't feel right to just get over it like that, or not feel anything at all, to not let it bother me. Should it bother me? Should I accept it? Should I be over it by now? Is it even possible to still care for him without having to get upset and sad about it, because if it is, please tell me how to do it! I'm stuck down a creek without a paddle (if that even makes sense) and I don't know how to handle all this anxiety and uselessness. I'm opening myself up to anyone that reads this, so don't shun and despise me for being so unreasonably confused.

Before, I couldn't laugh, I couldn't smile, nor could I even cry. This must be an extremely slow recovery for me, much worse than any school experience has done to me, yet it's still another thing that leaves me dead inside as well. See? Aren't I absurd, getting so worked up over a person that I didn't even know!! I hate myself for it! I sleep in until twelve and am still left tired for the rest of the day thinking of all the worst scenarios and all the worst thoughts, and I just CAN'T make them stop and leave me alone. I'm just lost and stuck and I want someone to find me. Of course, some of these emotions are from build up, but majority of them are created by the very two reasons that these paragraphs have even come into existence on this web page. Maybe I need help or maybe I just need to get away or maybe I just have to endure longer, hang on longer, but it's something that is SO hard to do and I don't think anyone I know, or anyone in my family, comprehends that truth.
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Tuesday, September 4, 2007

   Sorry Everyone!!
I know I've promised to do a few requests for people and I haven't done ANY! It hasn't even been a couple weeks or a month, it's been an extremely long time.

God, I am sooooooo sorry!!!

I was running around this summer and now school is wearing me out already. It really doesn't take long. It's only been 2 weeks. If you still want me to draw your request (you know who you are, and I know you) message me, and if I don't here from you, I'll probbly still draw it anyways, but I don't want to spend time on something if I don't have to. I'm really sorry about this, I hope you guys forgive me, and I'll try to finish your pictures A.S.A.P.!!

I also know I haven't added any pics lately either, I just haven't been drawing lately; I'll try to get everything updated soon!
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Saturday, October 14, 2006

   Crazy FMA Dream
Okay, last night was pretty weird because I had a FMA dream with Envy and I don't even like Envy as it was portrayed in this dream, but anyway.

I was trapped in this huge mansion like place with so many stairs and a couple elevators and I was lost inside of it and trapped for about two years. NO and that wasn't all, there was a giant snake that lived inside the house and every once and a while I found myself being attacked by it and finally I found an elevator that led out of the massive house and I ran to the door and nearly fell out on the outside sidewalk. When the snake saw that I had escaped it glanced at me then made its way back inside the depths of the house.

Okay, then there was a guy walking down the street and he asked me what was up since I was sweating and out of breath, I told him and surprisingly he believed my story. He was beginning to fear the house himself. But we were walking down the street and then we saw a garage with its door wide open and with a light casting brightness in the night sky. We walked inside like idiots.

After we walked in, we saw Envy, Lust, and Gluttony inside. They were muttering something, but suddenly Envy snapped his fingers and then that giant snake thing came slithering from a hole in the back of the garage and it attacked me and the stranger I had walked with. I was too stricken with fear to move but the snake opened its jaws wide and caught the stranger in its mouth and gobbled him down its throat. It hissed then turned to me I started to run around in a circle and then I ran behind Envy and wrapped my arms around him and closed my eyes just because I was so scared. Then I said, “Leave me alone because Envy just said to!!” (This doesn’t make any sense because I shouldn’t have known Envy’s name but anyway)

It kind of worked because the snake just stared at me tasting the air with its tongue hissing at me and I just looked back at it too afraid to move but Envy tried to push me away and yelled for me to get off of him. For some reason he couldn’t get me off and Lust and Gluttony were just standing there watching intently but since I have problems the only thing I could think of for him to stop swatting at me was to run my fingers over the base of his *thing* (if you know what I mean) It sort of caught him off guard but he did stop and looked back at me.

I let go of him and he whispered to me that I was pretty hot. He lifted me up by the shirt and said to Lust and Gluttony that he would get rid of me himself.

He dragged me out of the garage into the house next to it and up the stairs and threw me on the bed of some big dark room. He crawled over me and started kissing me. (Yeah I’m sure you’re thinking this is strange) I wasn’t really concerned with what he was doing; I just didn’t want to die so I went along with whatever and hoped that returning his gestures would keep me safe.

Yeah so after a little while of making out and for some reason enjoying it I did what I did earlier and ran my hand over between his legs and then I ended up on top of him. We didn’t do the dirty-nasty or anything but I ended giving him a handjob. Then after that he let me go and said that he had killed me to Lust and Gluttony and that’s sort of all I can remember but like I said I don’t even like Envy, maybe Ed, but not Envy. And wow that was really long.

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Sunday, October 8, 2006

   Wazzup Everybody
Welcome to my site and everything in it and don't say anything mean about me or I'll knock you out

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