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myOtaku.com: Keiko Inchihara
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Friday, July 28, 2006
Sometimes. Words are enough to make you regret being who you are. It's enough for you to just think, 'I failed him. It's somehow my fault that I wasn't his son.'
It seems that things seem to just be going wrong. Just horribly wrong. Everything I've ever done was to prove to him that I could be so much more than a rejected daughter. That I could make him come back and give me one chance. Afterall, you can't really pass judgement without giving someone a chance right?
In my unending quest to find my father, I got my hopes up. Skyhigh. Throughout this year, I've been rejoicing in finally meeting that bastard of a man who would be cruel enough to abandon his own flesh and blood to poverty while living it up with his own business in its prime. We had the lawyer, the paperwork, the private investigator. Hell I have his address. But... obviously someone who has a lot of authority over my actions has deemed this whole search meaningless and has decided to just drop the case.
I would love to get my ass over there to California and march up to his doorstep and give him a piece of my mind. But, more than that, I would have liked to ask why.
Why?
I want to know why he so forcefully denied that I was his child. I want to know if he has a family that he LOVES right now in California. I want to know why I wasted all those years trying to prove to someone who wasn't even there that I was worth a second-glance. I really wanted to see his face. It'll probably never happen now. I don't see the fairness in why someone has a say in whether or not I can ever meet my father.
I wish I had the money for just one flight to California. I'd dress up pretty too. I'd wear a skirt, something pleasant... and I wouldn't break down and cry. I'd sensibily ask for a moment of his time and present my reasons for being there.
I'd sit there calmly, all the while wanting to just curl up into a ball and cry because then I'd see that he clearly wasn't missing out on anything, and that I'd wasted 800 or so just to see someone who doesn't give two shits about me.
...and somehow, even now, I can't help but be selfish.
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